Blended family or stepfamily?

There have been debates surrounding whether or not to refer to the bi-nuclear family dynamic as a blended or a step family. Most experts say that families rarely blend and therefore prefer to call it a stepfamily, and I partly agree. Rarely do families operate similarly to the Brady Bunch in which Mike and Carol Brady seamlessly blended his 3 children, her 3 children, a dog and a maid. To top it off, they experienced little to no financial strain, solved all family disputes in less than 30 minutes and both ex-spouses were dead. I’m sure we all know by now that this only happens on TV!

Although families rarely make as smooth transition as the Bradys, it is possible to successfully blend a family. It depends on when you start and how you go about doing so. Let me explain what I mean by this. The younger the children, the easier it is to blend a family. Younger children are often more accepting of a new mate than older children. As a matter of fact, experts suggest that older children are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering and often succeed at splitting up the remarriage. Experts go on to suggest that even attempting to “blend” a family with older children should be avoided at all cost.

Letty Cottin Pogrebin, in her book Family Politics: Love and Power on a Intimate Frontier, has this to say about older children in stepfamilies: “Beyond the complex interactions is one stunning surpise: the stepfamily configuration seems to increase the power of the child. That is to say, compared with other parents, remarried parents seem more desirous of their children’s approval, more alert to the children’s emotional state and more sensitive in their parent-child relations. Perhaps this is the result of heightened empathy for the children’s suffering, perhaps it is a guilt reaction; in either case, it gives children a potent weapon- the power to disrupt the new household and come between the parent and the new spouse.

This shift in power combined with permissive parenting and intrusive ex-spouses is a recipe for disaster, not a successful blend. So in this case, I agree; this type of family rarely blends. However, remarried couples have a chance to make a successful go at it if the children are younger (even if the ex is intrusive) and they focus on putting the right mix in the blender.

Many remarried couples focus on blending the ex-spouses together with the new spouses, but they rarely, if at all, focus on each other. They make it their life long goal to make sure not only that everyone is on the same page (which is good, co-parents need to be on the same page), but to make sure that they all become best friends in the process. They spend more time trying to get the ex-spouse (who is often times the ex-wife) to understand and accept their new union that their primary household falls a part before they even know what hit them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spoken to clients and friends of remarried households who spend the majority of time talking about how an ex-spouse doesn’t like them, their new spouse or the fact that they are remarried. When they do mention problems with their household, such as, my husband and daughter always seem to butt heads, I ask this question: “Did you implement the set of house rules I suggested?” “Ummmm…I forgot about those,” they reply. It’s a perfect example of remarried couples spending most of their time either fighting with the ex-spouse or trying to get her to accept the new union and not enough time on their immediate family. Who cares if his ex-spouse doesn’t like you. You probably don’t like her either. Don’t spend all of your time on this issue.

It is true that remarried couples need to let go of the myth of blending the entire family together. Research indicates that children thrive in happy marriages, whether first or second, and when the co-parents (step parents and bio parents) are consistent. All involved parents don’t have to be best friends in order for children of divorce to thrive. They just need to be civil and keep conflict away from the children. Think of it as working on an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents should adopt the same business model instead of forcing the issue of being “friends.”  If you couldn’t do this [be friends] when you were married, what makes you think that it gets better when you divorce and add two new parents? It’s unrealistic, unfair and recipe for failure.  Additionally, co-parents, meaning ex-spouses, must realize that you may never like each other or even stomach being in the same room together, but you can’t make it your mission to achieve this goal and neglect your marriage. Your first priority is your marriage. It doesn’t make any sense to work so hard to get your ex-wife to understand you, if your wife is feeling misunderstood.

Focusing on the members of your immediate household, including stepchildren, is a better recipe for success. First, work on your marriage, instead of spending too much time on your past marriage and ex-spouse. Make sure you communicate well, understand and support each other, are on the same page regarding discipline and dedicate time to reminding each other of why you fell in love in the first place. Spend time making sure your children understand that although they don’t have to like the new spouse, they have to respect him or her. Make sure all children know and understand the rules and consequences of the house as well as understand that both parents can enforce such rules. Carve out a little time to encourage the children to get to know each other better, if you both come into the marriage with children. All of these things and more, are the issues that should be put in the blender and grinded up to create a successful blend. If remarried couples would spend time in the right areas, then more families would blend. After all, it doesn’t matter how well you and the ex-spouse get along if your children are forced to go through a second divorce.