Reviving the Role of Fathers in Families

I STILL remember my father as a little girl. At five years old I would sit in his lap every night while rubbing on his earlobes until I fell fast asleep.  I remember him playing barbie dolls with me, cooking my favorite meals, calling me pumpkin and Kela Wela.  He was my protector who stood 6’4 in stature with a big deep voice and an even bigger heart. I also remember the times when he would annoy the heck out of me with his rules – no talking on the phone to boys until I was 16, no dating until my senior year in high school and anyone that I did date had better treat his pumpkin right. As a little girl, he made me feel as if I were some sort of prize and I used that feeling to determine my self-worth. From there, I developed my expectations of men. I knew how I should be treated and how I wanted to be treated because of the role that my father played in my life. Before he died, my parents were married for 26 years and whether knowingly or unknowningly, he played a crucial role in my development as an adult and a woman.

Whether society realizes it or not, fathers play an important role in the development of their childrens’ lives. According to researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore, children who have fathers in their lives have higher self-esteem, show fewer signs of depression and display higher academic achievements. Additionally, the children who perceive their fathers as supportive feel a greater sense of social acceptance.

The findings of this study applied equally to both boys and girls, black and white and to those with a biological father or a “father figure.”

Despite the findings of this study and similar studies about the essential role of the father in the family, society still chooses to downplay and/or not support or even encourage the role of the father in today’s family. According to the U.S. Census Bureau of 2001, 11% of married moms saw little significance in the father’s role in their childrens’ lives. 42% of divorced moms admitted to interferring with visitation with their childrens’ father because they did not think his role was important enough.

Persuasive suggestions, both direct and indirect, have become ingrained in our culture and lead many mothers and potential mothers to accept the idea that a male father figure just isn’t necessary, let alone ideal. The character of the father is becoming dispensable and the devastating result has been the continuous trivialization of an unequivocal meaningful and fundamental component of the family – daddy!

Now I’m not saying that we have to step back into the fifties where the whole family’s livelihood was dependent upon dad’s authortative role – his income, his mood and his final say. But, we can’t go to the other extreme either in which dad is seemingly not needed. The truth of the matter is that BOTH parents, mom and dad, are essential for the child’s development and neither role should be trivialized!

Fathers must be supported and encouraged in the family instead of being in continuous opposition with the mother or the legal system. This opposition has fathers fleeing altogether as they face the stark realization that over half of them will end up in a family law courtroom where inqequity within the system is extremely apparent. This same legal system has lost its ability to remain impartial and forces fathers who want to be involved and fight to stay involved (not the deadbeats), to financially support children, but strips them of their parental rights (not privileges).  

Earlier I mentioned deadbeat dads and although I loathe their limited to no involvement in their childrens’ lives, after research, I am not so quick to place the blame soley on them anymore. Perhaps their actions stem from a vicious cycle in which they saw mommy take care of them without daddy. As such, they may have rationalized that their children won’t be drastically affected by their absence.

Whatever the case may be, the father’s role needs to be uplifted,supported and revived. Just like we offer “what to know when you are expecting,” lamaaze, and even pre-marital classes in order to ensure that we give our children the best start possible; we also need to offer paternal parenting classes to teach the importance of their role as well as offer them support and encouragement.

As a society, we need to realize and emphasize the importance of BOTH mom and dad, especially in the blended family. Children of blended families face so many losses and it is crucial that both parents be allowed to retain their roles for the sake of the child’s development. At a time when these children need some stability and a sense of family cohesion, the socially and politically unjust and maternally biased legal system and/or the bitter ex-wife should not be allowed to destroy the lives of these children by encouraging the removal of an essential component of family - THE FATHER!!

To all of my dads out there, know that you are important in our families. Don’t be excluded. Speak up, step up and be the fathers that your children desperately NEED you to be.  And to my ex-wives, please stop making it difficult for dad to be in his child’s life, if he is truly trying to be a part of it. Whether you want to believe it or not, your child needs him and will be better off having formed a solid bond with his dad.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL OF MY BFSO DADS!!!