Preventing divorce in America
June 25, 2009 by Kela Price
Filed under Daily Dose
Health Care reform is often one of the primary subjects of any presidential election in which America closely watches to see if the new President will actually follow through. President Obama is no different. He is adamant about making sure that every American has access to quality health care and he has outlined a plan that inlcudes, but is not limited to, expanding health care coverage, promoting scientific and technological advancements and improving health care PREVENTION!
Prevention is a word we often hear in health care education campaigns; ranging from teenage pregnancy to heart disease. There are tons of campaigns educating us on how to prevent bad things from happening, right?? When it comes to marriage and divorce, however, there is not only little education on how to prevent divorce or what it takes to build a solid marriage, but there are very few resources to help couples who find themselves in that situation. Marriage counseling or stepfamily counseling is often not covered by insurance; making it extremely difficult for couples to get the help they need to stay together.
According to the Census Bureau report on marital status, the U.S. has the highest divorce rate and highest rate of single parenting in the world. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and remarriage has an even higher rate of divorce. With most of these marriages/divorces there are children involved and they are the ones who suffer the most. WE NEED A MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE CARE REFORM!
In the government’s quest to educate, prevent and reform everything else they need to realize that healthy families play an important role in that prevention. Don’t you think teenage pregnancy would decrease if we focused on keeping that young girl’s family together? What about our teenage suicide rate, drug and alcohol use and high school drop out rate? Wouldn’t those decline if mom and dad stayed together? Statistics prove that kids of divorce are at higher risk of the above-mentioned. So wouldn’t it make more sense to focus on teaching young couples how to maintain successful marriages in order to prevent divorce? We desperately need a divorce prevention campaign!
In many cases, there are couples who should’ve never been married in the first place, but it was easy for them to do so. My husband married his ex-wife at barely 21 years old, after only knowing her for a few months because he got her pregnant. Of course, after less than three years, that marriage ended in divorce, which was very hard and expensive to obtain. SO WHY WAS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE?? We need to demand and require extensive pre-marital counseling for any couple who wants to get married. It shouldn’t be as easy as going to the Justice of Peace and walking out the same day married. Couples need to be educated on the responsibility of marriage, and if they don’t want to take the time to take pre-marital courses, then they shouldn’t be allowed to get married. Those classes should prepare that couple for marriage and should include topics on everything from sex to finances – the two biggest reasons that couples divorce!
The above-mentioned may work for those couples who aren’t yet married, but what about the couples who are already remarried? Those couples need to be educated on divorce prevention as 2 out of every 3 remarriages end in divorce. Additionally, all couples interested in remarriage in which there are children involved, should be required to take blended family courses prior to remarrying AND they should be assigned a blended family counselor or coach to be available to them for encouragement and support.
Last but not least, we are all aware that when you leave the hospital after having a baby, they may give you some formula, post-pregnancy care instructions and a little blanket, but what they don’t give you is a handbook. As such, I think parents should be required to take parenting classes before the baby’s arrival.
If we spent as much time on the education, prevention and creation of healthy families as we do everything else, I am sure that our divorce rate, among other things, would take a nose dive. And so, I am creating a proposal for a new Healthy Families Reform Plan and it is my goal to take it all the way to Washington. As stated earlier, there are many campaigns involving the children of America, from education to teenage pregnancy, and healthy families play an essential role in the prevention of those things. As a result, we need to put more effort into the education and awareness of creating and saving healthy families.
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Another issue near and ‘dear?’ to my heart.
First off… I am not American. Yet our system in Canada is not much different in terms of lack of focus on prevention of divorce versus dealing with fallout of divorce.
My kids, family, friends, and I have all experienced the very high costs of divorce (emotional, financial, relational) so I speak from experience.
The divorce trend is such a complex issue… allow me to share some perspectives…. in no particular order….
1. “ENTERTAINMENT?”
On this subject I just have to shake my head. We have to put aside the debate of whether culture influences entertainment or entertainment influences culture. It doesn’t matter. Both are feeding the downward spiral of families and marriage.
2. LACK OF ADVERSITY
I find it is just way to comfortable in our society. Ya, I am 40-something so I grew up with the influences of a World War (my father is a combat veteran of WW2), the Cold War, Nuclear Scares, my parents lived through the Great Depression, and my grand parents were immigrant honmesteaders who settled in the Canadian mid-west early last century.
Now I was afforded an environment to grow up in that was not in these circumstanes specifically, but conditioned by them. The shadow of these circumstances was significant. It helped us keep in mind that life was not to be taken for granted. That families were essential to surviving adversity. People of this past era did not have the luxury of self-pity or excuse making that we have today that is so prevelant in divorces and broken families.
I also live in an area with a lot of immigration. It is no surprise to see cohesiveness in their families. They face the advseristy of immigration and adaptation together. Now I am not naive to say that they are all happy and functioning. But there is stability for children, support, and more financial stability in intact, supportive families.
Divorced families are struggling to provide stability for children and certainly we are also strapped financially. Look at our national debt-loads.
We are just too damn comfortable in this society. We are so comfortable that many walk away from marriages and families at the drop of a hat. We wouldnt do that as often if we were under adversity. Yet in doing so, we are creating our own adversity… messed up kids, addiction, debt, suicide, etc.
3. STRESS AND EMOTIONAL DISORDERS
Come on…. if there were one indicator that we are going off the rails it has to be the increase in stress and emotional disorders and the fallout …. including but not limited to depression, anxiety, bi-polar, addictions, eating disorders, obesity, sex-obsession, suicides and attempts.
With no stability at home, these and more are so much more likely and to presume that the lack of family stability has nothing to do with these outcomes is just plain naivity or denial.
The writing is on the wall and it doesnt take a scholar to read it.
4. CHURCH IS NO BETTER AN EXAMPLE
How so many Christians can run around saying they have “answers” to life’s problems is beyond me. And I am someone who does in fact believe the Bible.
Instead of preaching…. how about DOING and SHOWING that marriages can be good and families can stay together?
And here is the doozey for me that brings together two of my points…. “Christian Entertainers” who have these big divorce scandals. Come on now. What a crock. Even one of the artists who I have experienced as authentic, Steve Camp, recently went through a divorce.
Not to mention the fiascos like Amy Grant, Sandy whats-her-name (the hefty one), Bebe Wynans, and the high profile preachers like the 80′s scandal of the Bakkers and more recently Larry Leah.
I am not judging, I am just saying that if Christians were living the answers, I don’t think it would be as rampant and extreme.
Our divorce culture has woven to intricately into our society that Churches and other spiritual groups who profess the value of marriage and families are no better in terms of results. Who is influencing who here?
5. THE MOST MEANINGFUL THING
The most worthwhile that any of us can do … is to “DO the DOING” of building our own marriages in authentically stable ways.
HAVING and LIVING a good marriage is the only authentic way to influence anyone. Pressing through the adversities we all face and staying together and finding happiness and thereby PROVING that it can work is what will change the tide… as I see it.
It is too late for talk. Talk is cheap. We are drowning in talk, words, and theories. We need examples. We need authenticity. We need reliability. We need every day people with real results making it through real life marital and family adversity. Yes, I am talking about addictions, betrayals, health problems, financial problems, mood disorders. These are today’s challenges. If we are not prepared to face them then marriage as we know it is sunk.
I know I for one and my wife for another are not willng to give up very easily. Not as easily as society suggests or exemplifies we should. Not even as easily as we oursevles may have given up years ago.
We actively work on preventing the situations that put us at odds with each other. We don’t take dumb risks with our relationship or put it in harm’s way wherever possible.
This is all of the Preventing that we can do for now. And we hope it influences another couple or two and spreads out from there.
Ciao.
Chaz
Agreed. That being said, in addition to authenticiy and reliability, we also need accountability AND action. Couples should not be allowed to get married on a whim and without being forced to think deeply about their decision. There are ways to ensure this (I listed them in my article) that don’t involve a bunch a cheap talk, but ACTION! Additionally, we need to make resources available to those couples who are already married and desire to keep their families together. For many, in America, marriage counseling and stepfamily counseling isn’t even covered by insurance. Why? If the divorce rates continue to soar and our children are the ones who suffer because the parents can’t get the help they need. It makes no sense to me. We have to help the families who are already together and we have to prevent these shot gun weddings that only increase our divorce rate, single parent homes, and children with MANY problems as a result.
I think your reference to ACTION and my reference to DOING are speaking of the same thing. We need more than talk.
I agree that an cultural environment that influences us to start with wise choices in who we choose, when we choose, and the reality of the choice we are making (to marry) would be frankly the exact opposite of what we have now.
And yes, I agree that some of the environmental influences would be healthcare and social services providing support to starry-eyed wanna-bes. And later, if needed, support for staying together rather than paying for the costs of the fallout.
As an insurance broker of many years in my former life, I am left baffled why our Canadian system provides only a token allocation in most of our health benefits for counseling, yet unlimited prescriptions.
For example, my extended health benefits (through my private-sector employer, underwritten by a private insurance company) only provide for approximately 8 counselling sessions for my wife and I totalling about $1,000 in benefits paid.
Yet, there is absolutely no cap on prescription drugs. In fact, if our family incurs $5,300/year on prescrips, the Provincial Government Health Plan kicks in and covers the expense 100% with no limit.
Yet, there are no speakable benefits available to help us make a wise choice in spouse or to keep a family together.
My wife and I maxed out our counseling benefit plus paid probably another $1,500 out of pocket with the counselor in sessions leading up to us deciding to marry. The counsellor helped point out tough but meaningful issues that we should be realistic about before marrying, and then worked with us to close out some past baggage before we took the leap.
We have since engaged a counselor to help us with our blended family issues. Again max benefit is $1,000 from my ext health plan. Yet I could get unlimited prescriptions for anti-depressants or treatment for STDs.
So by virtue of what my healthcare system will fund, working my life into unmanageable depression or running around and catching clamidia are endorsed more strongly than building and maintaining a marriage.
I still feel that what we do as individuals is of far greater influence and importance than what our intitutions do. Yet it would be helpful if their actions encouraged and endorsed what helped us be a better functioning society.
Showing by actions, not just words, that families and marriages are important and worth investing in would certainly be a plus.
Ciao.
Chaz
Yep, we’re definitely in agreeance on the issue. It’s amazing how little emphasis is placed on investing in and maintaining a good marriage. And, we definitely need more examples of just that. I can especially relate to your example referring to leaders in the church. Honestly, I can totally understand how it makes some people lose faith in the church. I mean if they can’t do it…? You’re definitely right when you say we need more authentic examples; people who say marriage is hard work, but totally worth it. We need people who live that everyday to step up and the people that follow us. We need a healthy marriage, healthy family campaign!
Very insightful, Chaz!
Thinking of preserving marriage often leads people to think about preserving the intact, bio-family. I agree that is absoluely important.
Less common is talk about preserving stepfamilies. Traditional marraige preservation services are not equipped to deal with the unique needs of stepfamilies, yet they are falling apart at a rate much faster than intact families.
Imagine that you are a child and your parents divorce. Two years later, your dad remarries. A year after that, your mom remarries. Three years after that, your dad gets another divorce. A year after that, your mom does the same. And the cycle continues.
The fact is, almost all divorced parents remarry within 5 years, AND, nearly 70% of all those marriages end in divorce with the first 5 years. That means that a child is persistently in transition throughout the most important years;while they are developing critical social and emotional skills.
Our society needs to address divorce of both first-time married couples AND subsequent married couples so that our children of divorce can experience some stability before they are grown and gone.
Angie
(P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, I have been divorced twice, and am now married for 8 years. I am not being hypocritical of parents that divorce more than once. I just happen to know first hand how painful it is for children and I am dedicated to helping other parents avoid the regret that I feel.)
I totally agree, Angie, especially as a second wife, mom and stepmom, myself. We definitely need to support and perserve stepfamilies as I indicated in the article. That being said, we also need to take preventitive measures by tackling the problem before it starts. We need to keep families together BEFORE they divorce. Picture a child who doesn’t have to live through the trauma of divorce and remarriage at all. But again, I am well aware that there are stepfamilies out there; which is why they are apart of my Healthy Marriage and Healthy Family plan and those families should be assigned a stepfamily counselor to support them throughout their journey.
Thanks for our insight, Angie! We so greatly appreciate it.
Warmly,
*Kela*
Kela,
You are so right, I agree wholeheartedly about keeping the divorce from happening in the first place by taking preventative measures is so important. I am with you!!!
Di
Sometimes, the couples walk out of their marital lives easily, if their thinking clash, and end up with devastating consequences. But, if they opt for marriage help in such situation and change the way they think, they can create pleasurable and fulfilling lives for themselves.