Bad-mouthing your ex-spouse
June 28, 2009 by Diane Greene
Filed under Daily Dose
Today, after soccer try-outs, I decided to take my little boy and one of his friends to our neighborhood water park. As I was sitting on the beach end with my book, a cute little blond-haired girl came and plopped down next to me and started talking away! As she was talking about her cute, brand-new bathing suit that her mother had just bought her, I asked her what her name was and how old she was. She said her name was Kelly and she was 5.
Kelly was a funny little girl. At the beginning of our conversation, she very matter-of-factly told me that she has been told that she is a “great talker” because she talks all the time! I thought….”Well, you’ve met the right person because I LOVE to talk too!” I was simply amazed at her maturity level. Kelly went on about the new friends she made at Summer camp, etc. About that time, I told her I had to go check my phone but I would return. I had a book with me but decided to put it down because Kelly just seemed like she wanted to talk. Upon arriving back to my spot, Kelly was gone and I went back to sunbathing. A few minutes later, I felt a cold, wet tap on my shoulder and she informed me that she was back to sit with me. What came next really made me sad.
Kelly began talking to me about her mom and her dad. She said her mom was really “pretty” and her dad was really “strong.” She then told me that her parents were separated and her dad had begun seeing another woman. About this time, I was uncomfortable because I knew her dad was sitting about 25 feet away. I decided I would just sit and listen to her. Obviously, she needed to vent, I thought. She went on about how she loves her daddy but she didn’t think it was right that he was seeing another woman so soon and that her mom was unhappy about it. She also stated that she doesn’t get to see her daddy much but that when she does she tries to make sure that she makes him happy so that maybe one day he will come back home. Okay, BREAK TIME, I thought. I had tears streaming down my cheeks under my sunglasses. During this time, I kept looking behind me to see if her dad would maybe come sit with her, etc., but no luck. Little Kelly went on and talked a little more, but I told her that I needed to check on my little boy. I REALLY wanted to go over and tell her dad that he needed to get off his touche and spend some time with his daughter and not under the cool umbrella by himself. But, obviously, I knew that was not my place. But, my heart was absolutely broken for Kelly.
One thing that I couldn’t get over after thinking about Kelly all evening was
the mere fact that obviously her mother has subjected her to disparaging remarks about her father and further doing so by including Kelly in her grown-up personal life. It was clear that she was also making Kelly feel responsible for making her dad happy enough to return home. 5 year-old children should NOT have to ever feel this way or feel that they have to take sides with either of their parents. It’s not their responsibility to take care of us! Disparagement is one of the biggest issues in our family court system and happens in almost every ugly divorce or separation. I work in the legal field and have heard clients complain and seen Judges remark about it in court orders, but NEVER have I had a 5 year-old child sit down with me and speak it verbatim from her experience with it.
Maybe if someone is reading this post right now and is struggling with this issue in their current situation, no matter which end of the spectrum you are on, you will think twice. Disparaging the other parent in any situation is a huge NO NO! It is not only disrespectful to your child’s mother or father and to your own children as well, but it is extremely damaging to their self-esteem. Children want to emulate their parents. As my mother always said…Children Live What They Learn.
I wanted to share this with you today because Kelly really amazed me and has been on my mind all afternoon and evening. I will be praying for peace in her family.
Peace and Blessings,
Di
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
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Di….
I agree completely.
Your comment….
“…her mother has subjected her to disparaging remarks about her father…”
brings to mind that there are also many indirect ways to disparage that I feel are just as harmful.
Most reasonable people know that plain verbal badmouthing is wrong. I have experienced a more insidious forms of disparagement from my ex.
1. She allows the kids to over-hear open dialogues about her opinions of me that are peppered with her negative perceptions and untruths.
She openly commends herself for not having said, “Your father is a _____ “, or anything else that would be clearly identified as bad mouthing. And frankly, for this I am grateful.
Yet, one time recently, my daughter said the exact phrase to me that my ex used about me to family member. And there is much evidence of this with other quotes. The only place my kids would have heard these things is from my ex.
One time my daughter also made a remark about someone else that really she should not have made. I asked her where she heard it…. she told me she overheard Mom and another adult talking.
2. I also feel that disparaging can be done simply by the way the other parent is treated.
My ex’s use of avoidance makes a tremendous statement to my kids about what she interprets me to be. It is less meaningful now that they are a little older, but they do pick up on these cues, especially when they are little.
She treats me as if I was untrustworthy or in some other manner negative…. leaving the kids with the impression that this is how I really am.
3. And the last sneaky one that my ex has pulled a number of times is overstatement or twisting.
For example, my ex a few years ago booked a trip over Chritmas before she and I had any dialogue about how the Christmas time was going to be divided.
I put my foot down and told her that I would get a court order if she was going to proceed in doing these things without discussion. The next thing I know, my daughter (then 12) says, “Dad, why did you cancel our trip?”
My ex had no right letting my kids in on the fact that the adults where having a dispute… let alone blame it directly on me or say it in a way that made me look bad.
So my point…. disparagement of the other parent can come in many indirect forms.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I completely agree with you. It’s an understatement to say that parents have a lot to say about eachother in these situations. Indirect disparagement/bad mouthing is just as offensive and morally spiteful as if it were direct. What most parents who are guilty of this don’t realize is how by hearing these things, children end up distrusting their own feelings and they also have problems with self-worth as well.
In your situation, to me, when your ex indirectly does what she does, she probably believes that she is undermining your children’s own feelings for you to her gain. In actuality, she is doing the opposite and bad-mouthing almost always backfires on the offending parent.
Additionally, children view themselves as a direct reflection of their bio parents. If one is bad-mouthing the other, it makes the children insecure about themselves and causes them a lot of stress and anxiety. In my opinion, children of divorced parents have already experienced a huge loss. This just creates additional loss for them to deal with and ruins their self-esteem and self-worth.
Thank you Chaz for your great insights.
Thank you for sharing, and yes, it is so incredibly heartbreaking and frustrating when children are used emotionally like that. My husband’s ex and her family do the same with his son who is only 5. They will “feed” him opinions and remarks that his dad doesn’t have time for him, that his dad is irresponsible and unaccountable, that I am selfish and manipulative, and more and more. My husband sees his son 4-5 weekdays/week and has him every other weekend. He coaches his t-ball and soccer practices. This is NOT a deadbeat dad, but that is how he is portrayed. It’s frustrating because his son seesaws from being so open and happy and embracing to cautious and wary and reserved and uncommunicative depending on what his mom’s mood of the day is. It’s heart breaking seeing how his son becomes disconnected after a bout of badmouthing and how much he has to work to repair things.
Parents need to remember that when they chose to bring a child into this world, they chose to place someone else’s needs above their own. This does not change after the dissolution of the family because of divorce. Your children should come first.