Research has shown that over the past decade that happy people are more productive, faster learners and definitely more creative. Cultivating optimism within the blended family, especially when there are outstanding, unresolved issues, can be hard. There is hope!! I have been reading a book by author Sonja Lyubomirsky entitled “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want (Penguin Press) and also came across an article about her in my favorite magazine, Family Circle.
In her book and in the article, Ms. Lyubomirsky discusses the fact that many people assume that there is a feel-good gene in our equation and that you either “have it” or “you don’t.” She says that is actually half-true. About 50% of a person’s tendency toward bliss is genetic and the other 50% is totally up for grabs. Roughly, 40% is influenced by attitude and behaviors and the remaining 10% by circumstances. In these statistics is where I see hope for the blended family. If 50% is totally up for grabs, and you have more than one willing participant, then there is hope.
The following are some tips from Ms. Lyubomirsky to help cultivate happiness which everyone can apply in their households. Remember, you cannot expect someone else (ex spouses, new spouses, step-children, etc.) to apply these same behaviors, but you can apply them yourself and begin to reap the benefits of same:
1. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. Even on days when there aren’t as many as you’d like. Jot a list and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that there are more great things about your life than you thought.
2. LOOK AGAIN. Most situations have a bright side, somehow. As in, it stinks that your 9-year-old needed stitches– but weren’t the ER doctors and nurses awesome?
3. DON’T STEW. Good rarely comes of dwelling on problems.
4. NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS. Strong bonds benefit everyone.
5. GET LOST. In a book, a movie, a DIY project. Getting so involved that you lose track of time gives your brain a chance to recharge.
6. PURSUE A LONG-NEGLECTED GOAL. With PASSION!
7. COPE CALMLY. Manage stress in healthy ways, like by walking or talking to friends.
8. FORGIVE. Work on letting go of anger and resentment toward those who have hurt you.
9. EMBRACE THE SPIRITUAL. Get more involved in your place of worship or just in your personal relationship with your creator.
10. HONOR YOUR BODY. Exercise, meditate and LAUGH OFTEN.
Every person, whether in a blended family or just on a personal basis can benefit from the above suggestions. I know I will be working on a few myself. There are plenty more in Ms. Lyubomirsky’s book.
As Ms. Lyubomirsky says, the bottom line is how we choose to view the world is key. Close to half of our happiness quotient lies in the way we think and the way we act. Modeling these actions in our everyday lives and in our blended family lives is essential for us parents. I will say it again, children live what they learn and they will take the lessons that we teach them and apply them to their own adult lives.
In the real world, most blended families have a hard time building themselves back up after loss such as divorce, separation, etc. Taking the extra time to try to work together to obtain happiness after such loss can be obtained if that goal is understood and has like-minded people working together to achieve the same. If not all parties are on the same page, it can be extra hard but in my opinion, is still well worth the try.
Peace and blessings,
Di
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
I loved this article and it is so relevant to the blended family! In the midst of our sometimes chaotic worlds; problems with the ex, problems with the current spouse’s ex-spouse, problems with the stepchildren, problems geling as a family…we must learn to CHOOSE happiness. Dwelling on the negative only contributes to its power! Making a concerted effort and conscious choice to be happy is so empowering. Yes, you must deal with the negative; it’s apart of life, but don’t let it consume you. As I stated in a previous article; “All of our feelings and beliefs are truly based on our internal thoughts and conversations with ourselves. We are in control, whether we know it or not, and we do not have to allow our negative circumstances to dictate how happy we choose to be.”
Wonderful article, Di, we all certainly need to be reminded that happiness is a choice, from time to time.
Grace and Peace,
*Kela*
Hi – thanks so much for covering my book; I am glad you found it useful.
You may also be interested to know that a new iPhone app (Live Happy) based on my research (and The How of Happiness) has just launched. It’s very cool, and I hope you’ll check it out (and, if so inclined, write a review/blog/tweet/whatever about it).
I’ve been working with a company called Signal Patterns to develop this app. (Full disclosure: I’m not making any money off of it, but plan to use it for research at some point.) Basically, the app prompts and encourages users to engage in several happiness-increasing strategies using their iPhone. It will prompt you to measure your happiness on a regular basis, help you identify which strategies are right for you, and then actually lead you through them.
For example, you may be prompted to express gratitude by texting, calling, or emailing someone in your Contacts List. Or you can practice savoring by taking a photo of a person/thing/place you love, or by writing about a photo (e.g., recent vacation) from your Photo Album.
The strategies that Live Happy allows you to do easily on your iPhone include:
- Setting and Pursuing Goals
- Expressing Gratitude Directly to Someone
- Keeping a Gratitude Journal
- Replaying Happy Days
- Savoring
- Envisioning Your Best Possible Self (i.e., practicing optimism)
- Nurturing Relationships
- Recalling Acts of Kindness
Here’s more info on the app: http://www.livehappyapp.com
Link to download the free trial version: http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewSoftware?id=317894323&mt=8
I’d love to hear your feedback and, if you like it, do forward this to anyone else (friends/students, etc.) who might be interested.
All my best,
–Sonja
________________________
Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D.
Professor and Graduate Advisor
Department of Psychology
University of California
Riverside, CA 92521
My academic web site: http://www.faculty.ucr.edu/~sonja/
The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want (Penguin Press, 2008) Book web site: http://www.thehowofhappiness.com
My blog at Psychology Today: blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-how-happiness
Thanks, Kela. Dr. Lyubomirsky, I find your writing and tips very helpful to me in my personal life as well as in my blended family life. The article written up in Family Circle was awesome! I fully intend on going to the websites you mentioned and learning more! Thank you for responding and thank you for the great TIPS!
I am so interested in your research on happiness. As stated earlier, being in charge of your own happiness is so empowering and essential in the blended family. There are so many factors and people that we can’t control and trying to make someone act the way we want them to so that we can be “happy” is impossible. People always ask me how can they achieve peace within their family unit when their ex-wife or ex-husband is being a butthole. My answer is simple – you must learn to choose happiness despite what the ex is doing. By the same token, you must learn to model this behavior [choosing happiness] for your children’s sake. You can choose to focus on the positive or dwell on the negative; it’s all about choice.
At any rate, I think we ALL need to be constantly reminded of this. I can’t wait to check out your iphone app. What a great way to remind people to choose happiness.
Thanks Dr. Lyubomirsky
*Kela*