Divorce, remarriage and competitive children
July 30, 2009 by Kela Price
Filed under Daily Dose, parenting
Divorce and remarriage affects children in a number of different ways. Sadly, experts are confused about exactly how and offer conflicting advice to those in need of help.
The answer to this question is not an easy one which is mainly the reason experts are so confused. Many experts give the traditional answer that if your child is disobedient, doing poorly in school, has behavioral problems and/or is anxious and depressed, then you can conclude that the divorce is affecting him. But if he is not any experiencing any of those issues, then he is not. This is not necessarily the case. It is true that most children will react this way due to the stress of the divorce, but there are some who don’t. Some children will become overly responsible as they try to compensate for the loss of the parent. They feel the need to take care the custodial parent and be overly pleasing to both. Additionally, children whose parents remarry may become extremely competitive as they feel they are in constant competition with either the new spouse, stepsiblings or both. They might take out their aggressiveness and anger through sports. Their grades might actually improve because they want to prove that they are the best so that bio mom and dad will love and acknowledge them again. It’s important to realize that although being involved in sports and wonderful grades certainly aren’t a bad thing; the reason why is important. These kids are working overtime because they don’t feel good about themselves and are therefore trying to prove their worth. As such, if you notice this in your child, constantly reassure him that he is loved and supported to boost his self-esteem. It’s also helpful to reward him for his good grades and cheer him on at his sporting events to give him that recognition and validation that he is seeking.
That being said, when parents do a good job a managing stress and keeping conflict to a minimum, some children are actually pretty resilient when it comes to divorce. These children feel and function pretty much like children whose parents are still married.
As you can see there are a number of different ways that children react to divorce. It’s a stressful ongoing event and time in their lives. Parents, however, can minimize the stress and decrease their chances of developing emotional problems by working together to avoid high conflict situations. Parents must also realize that if you are experiencing a high-conflict, long, drawn out divorce, even if you both remarry, you can GUARANTEE that your children are experiencing stress as a result of it, in some way shape or form.
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My divorce and my ex’s remarriage affected 5 children directly…. 3 are mine, 2 are the Other Man’s.
I have seen each of the 5 respond quite differently. Gladly, my 3 all seem to be adjusting reasonably well. To which I attribute an abundance of extended family support and the fact that we mainly kept the kids out of the battle.
The other 2 kids, I am not so sure of. One in particular seems to have reacted by going boy-crazy. It appears she has had to compete with her step-mom (my ex) for the attention and affection of her father.
Now I am in a position where it is hard for me to look at this situation on an unbiased basis because I have a distaste for the guy my ex ran off with. So maybe I am a little tainted. It simply appears that he makes decisions in favour of his new wife and her kids over the interests of his own daughter.
I can only imagine how confusing and devastating this must be for a teenage girl. This does not excuse rebellious or extreme behaviour… I just don’t know who wouldnt react in some extreme way to a deep hurt like this.
And she has become extremely competetive in every area of her life. I can’t help but wonder if this is a reaction, at least in part, to her fathers treatment of her.
Amidst all of these complex and confusing times, I have found that the best thing I can do is keep things really simple and just be as genuine, loving, and caring to each of my kids. And to be this way in a calm and steady way.
They saw their mom leave for the other man. They saw their Dad spin out on booze and drugs. They knew our situation was hostile. Gladly though, they know these things are now in the past and that everyone is in a better place.
Authentically being a rock of whatever stability we can be is the best thing I feel we can do in these situations. Stability, authenticity and reliability are rare things in our messed up world and in the worlds of our kids during and after divorce. So I feel we are offering them a rare and wonderful thing.
And hopefully, this will help them to not feel they need to compete for our affection and attention… or with their new step sibling or step parents.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
Children of divorce often feel that they have to compete with the new “wife or hubby” in their bio parent’s lives. Most often, it is because they float around wondering where they actually “fit-in” now that their bio parents aren’t together and their parents have found new partners. Some children just feel the need to compete because they simply feel “left-out.” This may be the case with your ex-wife’s stepdaughter. The mere fact that you and your ex kept the children out of the “issues” of divorce has a lot to say about your parenting.
In my research, I have found that most children of divorce (I am a product of a divorced parents as well) experience most of their difficulties by just having to deal with the differences the bio vs. step family environment brings. Learning these differences can give us a feeling that we will be better able to handle our situations and help us to feel more in control but if we don’t learn about it, we are stuck in motion. This is what I feel most children (especially teenage children) go through. Unfortunately, most parents don’t necessarily understand themselves so it is hard for them to pass this down to their children. Or, should I say, during the turbulent times a divorce can take you through, it’s hard to see through the smoke to get to the solutions.
Alot of the times, parents and step-parents tend to forget that when the nuclear family (bio family) is broken and a step-family forms, it is formed out of loss. The forming of a step-family is often times seen by a child or a teenager as a final ending….a death so to speak of their family so they react a lot of the times in competitive ways as to say….”Look, I am still here.”
Endings are hard because they mean adjusting to loss or change. But, if work is done on the front end of a divorce (like you are providing and have provided) we will be better equipped to handle these types of situations.
Thanks for your great response.
Di