My wife is challenged by her body image. It is driving me nuts.I am a recovering alcoholic with a few years sober. I have done a lot of work dealing with my issues. So I know solutions are out there for seemingly hopeless states of mind. I am living proof to myself.
My wife is slender. Yet has body image issues. Let me say it a different way…. I am at a loss for how to understand and support her in this problem. I am finding it wearing and frankly, painful.
The constant comparisons and negativity really puts a damper on our relationship. The constant statements of ridiculous, inaccurate ’absolutes’…. such as…
- I cannot get into shape.
- Nothing I do makes a difference.
- I am fat.
- Men have it so easy.
- I should just get liposuction.
My wife works out regularly and is a tall, attractive size 4-6 depending on cut. So none of these statements are accurate. Not even close.
The 12-step program that I live teaches me to surrender. So this situation remains in a surrendered state. I also know that I did not cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it. I am weakening. Frankly, I am tired of hearing the statements that to me, contain a strong thread of self-pity. There are many underlying factors to these statements, but the one I hear the most loudly is self-pity. Many women will kill for a body like my wife’s and here she is wallowing. That’s how it sounds.
My wife has been to a special counselor for eating disorders…. but didn’t continue. She read one book…. said it was good, but does not maintain her recovering thinking and won’t pick up another one.
I have shown her blogs that she can read on a regular basis, but she does not follow through.
In my mind, she would prefer to live in the pain of her misconceptions. Or fear or something else is keeping her there. She does not seem to even want anything different. She reminds me of an alcoholic who would rather live with the pain of his drinking and thinking than even consider that there may be something different.
I do not want to nag her. Nagging never helped me get sober. I have put many things in front of her but she does not seem the have the willingness to pick them up. She seems to prefer to stay stuck then complain about her body to me. Her husband. Who finds her attractive.
This is really tough. Any suggestions?
Thanks.
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I think that most women can actually relate to what your wife is going through. When women get to a certain age where things don’t hang the same, you can’t get rid of that little cellulite no matter what you do and you have to work out to stay fit, we can sometimes be a little obsessive. And before you say it, thin women experience these issues as well.
Instead of or in conjunction with, (you might already be doing this, but continue if so) directing her to informational resources that might help her change her perspective about herself, try telling her she’s beautiful every single day. Encourage her to eat healthy (not getting enough calories is not healthy) and make sure that she isn’t working out obsessively. Overall, no matter how much it may be getting to you (I KNOW we can be so annoying when it comes to this type of thing), continue to be sensitive and show your support.
It’s a total misconception that thin women don’t worry about our body image – we do! I am 5’7, 124 pounds and a size 6, but I still realize that my body isn’t the same as it was when I was 20 something. I can’t eat what I want anymore, I can’t get rid of that cellulite on my booty and overall, the weight that I do carry is just distributed differently. Although I don’t obsess over these things, I won’t deny that it bothers me from time to time. As such, I can understand where your wife is coming from and maybe that’s exactly what she needs to hear – THAT SHE IS NOT ALONE! Let her know that I understand and tell her to feel free to shoot me an email if she wants to discuss it with someone who can relate. I can be reached at kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
Warmly,
*Kela*
Thanks Kela….
Your points are very helpful. I do continually tell her how great she looks and it is completely sincere. I think she looks fabulous and I suck at lying so she knows I am being genuine.
I do encourage her to seek out people who can specifically relate. I know in my journey through active alcoholism and all of the thinking patterns that go along with it, NOTHING made as big a difference as when I began to interact with people… mainly men…. who were going through the exact same thing.
There are a key reading from Narcotics Anonymous that is relevant to any compultive malady…
“The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel”.
There is simply nothing like a fellow journeyer who has or is is travelling the same road. All the kings horses and all the kings men could not help the compulsive behaviour of alcoholics…. yet when 2 drunks got together and began helping one another back in 1935, AA was born and spread throughout the world. The seemingly impossible was achieved. They got sober and stayed sober with the help of fellow journeyers.
Would the same not be true for a body-image sufferer? there is absolutely no substitute for linking arms with somone who has ‘been there’ or is still there too.
Many people in our lives can be as understanding and supportive as possible. There remains a distinct difference however between those levels and the levels that we connect on with another person who has experienced the exact same thing. Like yourself. Including blogs like BFSO regarding blended families. Your perspectives do not just come from onlooking into others situations…. you have lived / are living it.
I have 2 doctors I see regularly. One is a recovering alcoholic, the other is not. The non-a is extremely empathetic and wise, yet there remains a disticntion between his insights and my other dr. who has been through the same circumstances that I did.
I guess one of my frustrations with the body image issue is that my wife is so ashamed of it, that she is reluctant to reach out to others who can specifically understand on a first hand basis. Why? probably because she ends up comparing herself to those women too.
Again, not unlike many alcoholics. Thus the second “A” in AA. We seek to remain anonymous to avoid complications of the social stigmas of our alcoholism. Funny…. having been an AA for a while, I am actually proud to be numbered among them and am so grateful for the recovery I have discovered that I don’t care so much about anonymity anymore.
You had mentioned also comparisons to ex’s. Good point…. I remember the day that we saw my ex at an event and it appeared to all that she had put on a little weight. My wife was visibly delighted! So no doubt, comparisons are being made.
One last point…. that I find huge is the fact tha since she does not reaching out to others, I end up being her ONLY support and sounding board.
I know she could not bear the weight of all the support I need as a recovering alcoholic. I would tax the marriage to death if I did not have my AA people/program to call on which I still do regularly even after years sober…. not because I want to drink… but because my thinking goes back to old painful/ineffective patterns some times.
The relevant part of this whole post I feel is that to rely only on one’s spouse for support for an issue that has bigger needs than what that spouse can handle, become taxing to the relationship. Especially if it is an already complex blended family relationship. This is what I am feeling right now.
Bottom line is that I love her regardless and will do whatever I can to get through this with her. So….. will continue to affirm her and suggest she reach out to people like yourself who can relate.
Thanks as always Kela.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I, too, can relate with your wife. I also suffered with an eating disorder in the past and struggled with my weight ever since. Actually, I should say I have struggled with how I look. Like you, my husband tells me everyday that I am just what he wants, that I am attractive and that I don’t need to lose weight. I just work hard everyday to change my way of thinking on the matter. Are there days I still feel fat? Of course, but I don’t revel in my thoughts anymore. I don’t let that control my life. I just think it is in a woman’s nature to worry about how she looks. I totally agree with Kela’s advice. Reassure her every single day. And, as Kela suggested, I, too, am here for her if she needs support anytime! You’re a good hubby!!! Keep on supporting her.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
diane@blendedfamilysoapopera.com
Thanks Di…
It sure seems to be a common thread among many women…. if not most.
I will continue on the same path and be sure to be affirming.
I am hoping to have my wife make contact with you and Kela at some point soon.
Regards,
Chaz
Chaz,
This post really hit home with me. I am your wife (not really but you know what I mean). I have struggled with my weight my entire life. My thoughts of self pity subsided a little toward the end of high school when I lost weight and then again after having my first daughter when I lost more weight. After years and years of this depression, self loathing, and pity I now know that it goes sooooo very much deeper than just losing weight. There are deep imbeded reasons for my feelings and why I would eat at certain times.
Although you state your wife does not have a weight issue and it is more of a body image issue I’m sure there are deep feelings she has or something has happened in her life for her to feel this way. I also know it is very hard for you as her husband and you feel like you are doing everything you possibly can. I respect that and I applaud you for that. It is the little tiny things that make all the difference. It may seem like just “too much” for you and maybe she’s doing this for attention or something. I can honestly say, from experience, that she probably truly feels this way about herself and wants to know that you love her and are attracted to her.
I run a fashion business and it is my very passion in life. For someone who has struggled and struggled with self esteem issues and body image issues throughout my life it was very hard for me to step out and start my own company. Especially in this industry that will chew you up and spit you out if you gain an ounce. Then I just woke up one day and told myself that it may be scary but I HAVE to put myself out there to make a living of the very thing God has given me passion for. I happen to weigh more now than I ever have in my entire life and I am getting out there and doing more than I ever have and I am very proud of myself.
Mine is a weight issue and I will tell you that after having my 2nd daughter I truly would not leave the house unless it was for work and that was it. I didn’t want anyone from my past to see me and think “oh my gosh, what happened to her? She used to be so pretty.” It definitely took its toll on the relationship with my husband because I can truly tell you that he loves me unconditionally and I just could never understand why. It would take me hours, literally, to get dressed to go anywhere. Yes, I love fashion but it wasn’t because I was just having so much fun trying on clothes. I would cry and cry while I was trying to find an outfit to just go to dinner. Then when we’d get there I was so upset because I hated what I finally had picked out because it made me look bigger that I would ruin a nice evening my husband had planned. Like I didn’t deserve him if I weren’t a size 2. We’ve been together for 10 years and married almost 6. I get it now. He loves me because I am a good person, a good mother, and a good provider. I now know that I do deserve him and I do deserve my girls and I do deserve to be happy no matter how much I weigh.
Now the journey for me is to be healthy. I have 3 beautiful girls (who I write about all the time – I know!) and I want to be around and be healthy for them. So if I lower my blood pressure and lose weight at the same time by taking care of myself the right way then that’s an added bonus.
My advice for you is this: love her! That’s all you can do. I know it’s hard and I know you get frustrated because when you look at her you can’t begin to understand why she sees herself differently than everyone else sees her. But she does and until she wakes up one day and sees that she is beautiful to her own self you just have to be patient. Keep doing what you are doing and remember it is the little things that matter. Leave her notes on the mirror saying that you love her or send flowers for no reason to let her know you love her. It’s not so much her issue that she has with herself it is the love you show her that will help her overcome this. And you will too. Know you are doing the right things!
I hope this helped a little from another perspective. Thanks so much!!!
What a beautiful post Julie! Thank you for sharing that with us! And, your husband’s shirt said it all last night! “My wife is HOT!” Fabulous post!!!
Di
Hi Mother of 3 (Julie?)…
It does indeed sound like you experience many parallels to my wife.
I do believe as you suggest that it is a deep and complex issue. And yes, she does have hisgory of childhood trauma that remains impacting on her life today.
I know that we can have emotional wounds that get covered over with time, denial, or whatever and never heal. Whether we know it or not, we can end up compensating for them throughout our lifetime…. often in ways that may not even seem connected.
Hey…. I despised my fathers alcholism yet I became one… so plenty of evidence to support that the underlying factors can show themselves in some pretty unpredictable ways.
I guess the part that I find so challenging is that something is blocking her from getting effective help. She married me, a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict, who she sees work diligently at recovery and get results. I am glad to have been blessed to beat the odds. Most guys with these problems never make it back. Most die or go on living miserable lives.
Yet somehow she is reluctant to believe that recovery is available for her. This is the part I have found challenging.
So yes, I will go on loving her. I will take this challenge a day at a time, just like my sobriety and recovery.
I hope to have her connect with some of the ladies who have offered to be points of contact and support. But do not want to be pushy. I know I could not be helped until I saw the need and was ready.
So thanks for the reply and input. Sorry for being a while getting back to you.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
Thank you for your post! This is more intimate a subject than most may think. It affects so many aspects of people’s lives and those around the person having these feelings.
You are right. This issue your wife is having is along the same lines as what you struggled with during your time of addiction. There is something that just “clicks” one day and you wake up and say you just won’t do it anymore or that you can’t do it on your own and you seek help. This is something that you had to do for yourself and she has to do on her own as well.
You said that she helped you through all you went through (I commend you so much for coming through that by the way!!- amazing strenght!). We are by nature nurturers and care takers. Sometimes we just take care of everyone else that we leave ourselves out. Or we are so focused on solving everyone elses issues that ours go unnoticed or just get swept under the rug. I know you don’t want to hear this but it just takes time and she will come around and realize that you are her rock as she is yours and be comfortable with that.
Most men wouldn’t even take the step you did to write about your feelings and your wife so just by doing that you’ve helped her in more ways than you’ll know.
Keep us updated and I would love to help her or speak with her when she is ready!!
Thanks again!!
Julie
By way of an update…. things have got a lot better I am grateful to say.
My wife did some naturopathic therapy that helped her anxiety over this issue and we have talked a lot to help her look at the thoughts that were lying to her about how she looked.
She is doing much better and we continue to look for solutions.
Thanks.
What great news Chaz! These types of issues are so hard on women and your wife is extra lucky to have a great husband behind her to fall back on!! Keep up the good work!~