As the end of the Summer nears, so does the 6-8 weeks of Summer visitation time you spend with your children and step-children if you are the non-custodial parents. More often than not, hearts are saddened when its time to pack them up again and send them back, but for some stepparents, its actually a time of relief. I know that last sentence may be a little hard to swallow for the many step-parents, including myself, who do not feel that way, but unfortunately it is something that is a reality for many.
Case in point, a co-worker of mine (we will call her June), every single day at our lunch hour during the Summer, she describes in detail, as she puts it, “her 8 weeks of Hell.” June’s step-daughter and step-son come every Summer. June and her 14 year old step-daughter bump heads (most of the conflicts come from the child not abiding by the house rules, playing two ends to the middle between her mom and dad, etc. etc. – most normal things children of divorce experience). June and her step-son do just fine and enjoy one another.
While my co-worker’s husband is rolling out the red carpet treatment, June is dreading the inevitable squabbles, guilt-trips (June’s children live with June and her husband and the step-daughter resents it), temper-tantrums (yes, she still has them at 14) and the constant arguments about the re-establishment of the house rules.
Let me just say that June isn’t a mean-spirited person by far and is actually one of the sweetest people I know. It’s just that she, like many other step-parents, have a hard time dealing with teenage step-children who already have pre-formed opinions (mostly due to their pain from the divorce but also due to their custodial parents’ disparagement of the step-parent), emotions and feelings; not to mention June’s step-daughter goes out of her way to come in between her dad and step-mom. The anxiety June feels before Summer starts is so bad that she has even mentioned that she hopes that her and her husband are short on money that Summer so they don’t have to send for her step-daughter. This statement will seem very selfish to some, but it is a sad and true reality of how hard it is sometimes to blend families. It is not only hard on the children of divorce, but on the step-parents as well, and unfortunately BFSO readers, it is more common than we think.
In defense of June’s step-daughter, I recall one of my most poignant memories as a young 10 year old child. It was the Summer of 1977 and my siblings and I had to travel to California to spend the Summer with my dad, stepmother and her 3 children. I think this was the hardest Summer of my life. Here not only had I not seen my father in more than 4 years, I had to walk into his new life, with his new family that was so different from our old family, and I was scared to death. I was jealous, confused and I did I mention that I missed my mom terribly? None of our feelings were taken into consideration ever and on top of it, we were to immediately get used to living in a strange home for the next 8 weeks. Talk about stress!
In our discussions, I realized that June really wants to change the situation she and her step-daughter are experiencing? In my opinion, first and foremost, instead of rolling out the red carpet (my husband’s ex wife calls this the “Mr. Fun” syndrome) when your child arrives, it’s more important to keep your home functioning as it normally would when they are not there. Rolling out the red carpet may seem special at first, but it really actually makes your child feel more like a visitor once the “fun” wears off. Instead, make them feel like they are coming Home.
If there are issues like the above in your blended family, here are some tips to help you get through the storm:
1. Communicate with your husband/wife about what is going on. Get on the same page and stand together about your house rules, roles, etc.
2. Spouses need to spend alone time together to focus on themselves. VERY IMPORTANT.
3. Do your best to get to know your step-child. Take baby steps. If they don’t respond right away, don’t write them off. Keep in mind that divorce and remarriage is an extremely hard transition for children and especially for teenagers.
4. Look into family counseling.
5. Read this book: One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies by Lisa Cohn. This book is AWESOME!
Remember, transitioning is hard enough for children who switch every other weekend, let alone have to leave their moms, dads, friends and homes in another state or town for 6-8 weeks at a time. Nurture your step-children if they will allow you. If they don’t, just be there for them and be that listening ear when they are ready. As for June, her step-children are back in Colorado and she and her step-daughter made good progress this Summer and they both made a promise to be better to eachother in the future. Baby steps…….
Peace and blessings,
Di
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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Great post. I think sometimes people jump the gun criticizing step parents for feeling stressed out during and relief after their step children’s visit. I love that you discussed here how you felt yourself as a child of divorce.
It always makes me sad when I read blogs from stepmom’s discussing their negative feelings during their step children’s visits. I’ll give you an example. I’ve read comments and blog posts recently detailing how stepmoms didn’t like their stepchildren and that they don’t enjoy their visits. They felt like their household was disrupted and that the children (who are young and evidently loud) must be allowed to be loud at their mother’s house because that’s how they behave at dad’s.
I like to offer another point of view (naturally, being a child of divorce). Kids know when they’re not liked. They feel it in their bones. Don’t we all? And they will respond to those feelings. I’m not saying that all step parents need to like their step kids. That’s not realistic. But understand that there *will* be a response to that feeling. Also, just because a child behaves a certain way at one parent’s house doesn’t mean they are permitted or encouraged to at mom’s. In using the above example, my kids are loud. I wish they weren’t. I shush them all day long. I constantly remind them to use their inside voice. We discuss being respectful of others daily. And my kids are still loud. And they’ll be loud at someone else’s house too. It’s who they are and a behavior that isn’t easy to simply ‘fix’. Kids aren’t controlled, they are guided and taught. It’s a process and just because a child isn’t there doesn’t mean the process isn’t occurring.
Lastly, I always cringe when I hear step parents talk about the children disrupting ‘their household’. I understand it in a cognitive sense. The household is theirs, just like my household is mine. But the mindset perpetuates the feeling that the step parent’s house is not the step child’s home too. Yet it seems like most divorced parents want their children to think of their house as ‘home’. Again, kids sense the slightest notion even if they can’t pinpoint or articulate it. And too many children of divorce still think of the houses they reside in as ‘mom’s house’ and ‘dad’s house’ instead of ‘my house’ or ‘our house’.
Nobody needs to be jumping on step parents for simply feeling however they do. However, they need to deal with those feelings responsibly (as June did) and remember they are indeed the adult in the situation.
Thanks for a thought provoking and interesting piece!
Carolyn,
Thank you for your response! I appreciate your thoughts and you are absolutley right! You touch on many subjects that I will be doing more writing on in future posts. Your key word to me is “responsibility” and the adult parties involved in the divorce need to realize that step-parents not only have the right to have their separate feelings because they, in most cases, are not the reason for the divorce, but that they themselves are dealing with a whole new realm of difficulties in being “step-parents” and their feelings need to be validated.
And, I totally agree with you about the fact that children feel/know when they are not liked. One of my mother’s famous lines growing up was “children live what they learn.” If a child senses and is shown that they are not liked, they will act out those feelings. I was not liked by the step-mother I mentioned above in my article. I knew it. I knew she thought me and my sibilings were just “pain in the a_sses” and we were disrupting her life for 6 weeks. She resented us. And, I am more than sure that we all probably acted out (something we NEVER did at home with our mom). Needlesstosay, after that Summer (which I was in the 4th grade), I didn’t see my father again until I was in the 9th grade.
Again, thank you for your insightful response. I always enjoy reading your comments. Have a blessed day!
Di
Di and Carolyn,
You are both right when you suggests that children sense when they are resented (I don’t think dislike is the right word), but this is exactly why we must understand, sympathize and SUPPORT every member of the stepfamily; not just the kids, the ex-wife and the husband. People don’t realize that stepmothers literally have the hardest job and most complicated position in the stepfamily, yet when she “acts out” and verbalizes her feeling, her need for understanding, we demonize her.
Let me offer you both another point of view, as both an ex and a wife. Mothers, whether step or not, usually have the responsibility of running the household. In my case, I have a bio son and a bonus son, who are only 3 months apart. My bonus son has been apart of my life since he was 4 years old. When he wasn’t visiting, it was just my son that I had to take care of. I had to get him up, fix breakfast, take him to summer camp or school, back and forth to activities, help with homework, make dinner, go to work, take care of him when he was sick…all the motherly duties. My husband’s job was/is less flexible, so while he is there when he can be, I do most of the day to day and early evening activities with the kids. So when my bonus son visits, my duties double. At the same time, I have to deal with an unappreciative, difficult ex-wife, a husband (for the first few years) always did things to make it easier on her, like suddenly changing the visitation schedule, but NEITHER of them had to deal with the brunt of the changes – I did! Picture stepmom trying to convey these things to her husband, but he thinks I should just along with it because it’s for his child and an ex-wife who is attacking, intrusive and also thinks that I am doing what I am supposed to and therefore should just be happy about it. Can you see why a woman in this position would be resentful, angry, frustrated and evil, even? She is not being heard and the arrangement may work for everyone else, but not her. Kids don’t understand this so I can see why some would just chock it up to their stepmother not liking them.
As a result, it is imperative, crucial and of the utmost importance that we stop discounting the stepmother’s feelings or immediately writing her off as evil. I am not evil, but in the past, when I didn’t get the support and understanding from my husband that I desperately needed, I did have my evil days and both of my children felt my wrath at that point. I literally felt like I was doing it all alone. It’s natural to feel resentful and frustrated when you feel overwhelmed, under appreciated and not supported; even bio moms feel this from time to time, yet we don’t write them off as evil.
At any rate, for the past 6 years (we’ve been together for nearly 10) my husband and I have been on the same page. He took the time to understand my needs, offered me the support that I needed, started making decisions with me about our household, instead of his ex-wife and overall, our communication has gotten stronger. As a result, we are ALL (well, not his ex-wife) so much happier, including my bonus son. We have a WONDERful relationship, despite his mother’s interference and overall, our bond as a family is stronger. All because someone actually, God forbid, paid attention to my needs and offered me the support that I needed to be strong for my family.
As an ex, I offer support to my son’s stepmother because I know that she does most of the work when my ex is out of the country working. If when my son wants to go over for the weekend and she says, “I’m sorry, but I’m tired and I just don’t think I can handle two boys (they have a son, too) this weekend,” I don’t bite her head off, tell her that her house is my son’s house, too, and he can come over whenever he likes. I don’t write her off as evil and tell her that she must not like my son. I understand and ask her to give me a call when he can come over. And overall, I make every attempt to understand her position as the primary caregiver of the household AND I tell her that I appreciate what she does for my son.
Thank you both for your great insight. Hopefully by attempting to understand all view points we can get that much closer to strengthening stepfamilies.
Warmly,
*Kela*
I absolutely agree!! The word “consideration” is very important as well. Thanks for the great example and different view. I have also had times as a mom and step-mom where I was stressed and I could have given an impression to my children that I resented them as well when in actuality it was never about the children, just about the stress. I do have to say, I think all moms (step or bio) go through this from time-to-time in dealing with being the primary caretakers.
Thank you for your helpful comment.
Di