After reviewing our interview with Dr. Wednesday Martin I realized how tired I get of having to re-live my past over and over again. Of course the best thing I’ve ever done in my life has been having my oldest daughter who came out of my past. I don’t regret anything I went through because I have her. But living in a blended family can have its breaking points.
I am obviously divorced for a reason and I have moved on to have a very healthy happy marriage with my husband. Yes I am a part of a blended family but that doesn’t mean I have to live in my past. Writing for the Blended Family Soap opera has been a very cathartic experience for me and one which I enjoy so very much. As a matter of fact, it has blessed my life in more ways than I could imagine. When I write about issues I have within my own blended family they are geared toward my ex-husband; the issues we had to bring us to our divorce and the issues we currently face trying to raise our daughter.
The more I read and wrote the more upset I was getting because I kept having to live those past experiences and go through all of that again. It has helped me to overcome some issues and has helped me to help others – BUT I don’t want/have to live there.
I am a wife to a wonderful man and a mother to 3 amazing daughters now. I was blessed to meet my husband and have 2 more children with such an amazing man. This is my focus in my life now; my husband and my girls. Yes, living in a blended family means that we all co-parent together and try and be on the same page. At the same time, however, I don’t live over at my ex-husband’s house and he doesn’t live at mine. There has to be some space there. As much as I loved his family and my ex-mother- in-law who passed away – all of that is my past. It is HIS job to make sure my daughter has all of that now from his side, and of course his wife’s job as well because that is their family- not mine any longer.
I can’t nurture my own marriage and raise my girls as someone’s ex wife. And using the term current wife/husband just sounds like I’m some stop along the way for my husband or him for me. Titles, titles, titles! I know they have their place, but sometimes they can do more harm than good.
Was I previously married and did I have a child with that man? – Yes, we were married for a tad over a year and together for 5. I just feel that my life now is worth writing about as well.
I live in a blended family and my husband has been a part of my oldest daughter’s life for over 10.5 years now. My husband is also a great father to our 2 biological girls and a great father figure to my oldest daughter. He gets the everyday duties with her, like homework, making her clean her room, making sure she’s eaten, and picks her up from volleyball practice. Though my oldest daughter has her biological father in her life, it is nice to have a male role model to live with day in and day out. This is my life now. It all works, we all work, and we are blessed for that.
So I’m taking all of my titles and throwing them out the window because in order to make my blended family work I need to live in the present – not the past!
The first step to attaining any sense of self-confidence, strength, or sanity is by taking responsibility for each and everything in your life and this boils down to choice. When we choose good for ourselves, we create good for ourselves. Everything in life is a choice!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
Great post and a great outlook! It’s hard in this situation, not to live in the past because the boundaries between the past and the present are so blurred. What is past and what is present? The past is in our lives every day in the form of the kids and the ex.
It’s great that you are concentrating on your current situation and letting your ex and his wife sort things out at there end re: their family (I wish our BM would – she seems to think that it is still her right to control the childrens activity within my husbands family!)
Anyway, great post.
LBM xxx
Thank you La Belle! I’m so glad you found it helpful. This is something that has taken me a while to figure out so it didn’t happen overnight. As a mother it is hard to trust your baby to anyone else besides you – even her own father. I guess you just figure no one can take care of them like you can so at times the bio mom can feel like she has to oversee any and everything that goes on in everyone else’s homes. I have to admit I was guilty of that as well. Maybe just give the BM in your situation time and she’ll come around as well. I know it has to be hard for you and your husband. It says a lot that you have found our blog and want to read up on how to help your own family. That’s what we are here for and welcome ALL of your comments any time!
THANKS AGAIN!!!
This post was very enlightening because to me, it proves that even in the most harmonious blends, the individual family members desire some level of individuality and separatism, so to speak. Even though they may all get along, it proves that they are not one family, but separate parts working to benefit the whole. It’s okay to want to establish an identity that is separate from your ex-spouse, his new spouse and your extended blended family even though you may get along perfectly. As a matter of fact, it is HEALTHY to do so. Julia’s right, you can’t fully embrace your future if all you harp on is your past; whether that be being bitter because of it or working too hard to try and establish this harmony for ALL that is overwhelming, exhausting and even unrealistic in MOST families. Your time is better spent and your children will be better if you work to establish and maintain your second marriage. Give them the benefit of witnessing healthy marriages instead of working too hard toward this unattainable goal of an environment where everyone loves each other (ex-spouses, new spouses, etc) just the same.
Additionally, I must also piggy back on Julia’s suggestion that you give the BM time. While it’s certainly okay to do so [give her time], realize that you don’t have to just accept her actions in the mean time. It’s unfortunate that our society’s suggestion to take the high road, give her time, she’s hurting…is so unilateral. It’s okay to acknowledge how BM might be feeling, but not at the expense of how her actions make you feel. Your feelings are important too and the fact of the matter is that he is YOUR husband and she shouldn’t be involved in planning activities with his family whether she feels she can do a better job or not. Again, it’s certainly okay to say “I’m sorry for how you must be feeling,” but at the same time I won’t tolerate your need to control the children’s activities with MY husband. It’s okay to have sympathy for someone, yet be firm. Having sympathy doesn’t mean that person gets the green light to walk all over you and do as they will with your husband and family.
Thanks for your comments and I love your blog!
Grace and Peace,
*Kela*
I’ve actually seen this in action. A wife getting stuck living in the past because she is continually focusing there. And in this case is was also her husband contributing to the process by his focus there (oh alright, I’m referring to my dad and stepmom).
I remember my dad saying to me once, “I sometimes have a hard time having a relationship with you because of things that go back to the divorce” (which occurred when I was three). That dumbfounds me. My stepmother has corresponded with me trying to resolve issues we have and discussed her unhappiness with paying child support and my visitation schedule (She and my dad married when I was eight). Neither of them moving forward and I think it’s directly related to what you refer to here. The inability to claim their own lives and family. Allowing themselves to be tethered to a divorce.
I’m glad you have made this revelation and that you are going to consciously move forward in your life. It’s important to your family, your children and your own well being that you do.
Carolyn, your insight is always appreciated, especially since you are a grown up child of divorce. I can’t imagine how it made you feel to hear your father say that it’s sometimes hard to have a relationship with you due to the divorce. When I read that, as I always do, I tried to put myself in your father’s shoes. The only thing I can come up with and compare it to is when a woman rejects her child or or refers to her child negatively by saying, “you are just like your father.” As a matter of fact, I know some women with grown children who noticeably treat their male grown child differently because he reminds her of the pain and the very person that she experienced that pain with in her past. It’s unfortunate, sad, unfair…but unfortunately very real feelings that some parents of divorce feel. Overall, it all boils down to living in your past (just like you said) whether you’re remaining bitter because of it or trying too hard to make sure that everyone is “fixed.”
One more thing…as far as your stepmother and her unhappiness with child support and a visitation schedule, it’s important to make sure that you get the entire story. As a stepmother myself, I have been unhappy and won’t tolerate a visitation schedule that is only convenient for my husband’s ex-wife and my stepson. In a stepfamily where both partners bring children into the marriage, it’s crucial that everyone be flexible in order to operate in the best interest of all kids and new spouses. A visitation schedule that may have worked when it was just my husband and son had to be altered in order to accomodate new family members. My husband’s ex-wife was/is not happy with that. I must also say that I tried to be flexible at first by just going along with their program, but it put me in a situation where I was doing all the work; taking my son to school and then taking my stepson to work with me while they [my husband and his ex-wife] just carried on as usual. So of course I was unhappy with that visitation schedule and demanded that it be changed, but it had nothing to do with my stepson and everything to do with the visitation schedule.
*Kela*
Fantastic outlook! I am addicted to your site