After reading several books, articles, and blog posts, written by women giving advice to stepmothers, I’ve concluded that most do more harm than good. All of them, I believe, have good intentions; to aim to teach stepmothers how to successfully blend their stepfamilies, because of course, the responsibility falls mainly on them.
I’ve read and heard people give advice like, “work on trying to build a relationship with your stepchildren,” “try to understand where the ex-wife is coming from,” “try to understand how your husband feels,” “you can be that mediator or voice of reason between your husband and his ex-wife,” “remember that divorce is hard,” and finally, “be patient and everything will work out.” All of this advice leaves stepmothers feeling like they are actually the problem. It gives them more responsibility for a divorce they didn’t create in the first place and indirectly reaffirms the myth that we are all wicked. How? Because you are telling us stuff that we already know. We already realize that we have to try to get to know our stepchildren. We are not heartless creatures who need someone to tell us that. The fact of the matter is the reason children often don’t like the stepmother is not because she is not doing everything to forge a relationship with them, but because of the divorce itself; which means that none of this is the stepmother’s fault, but the bio mom and dad’s. Yet, all of the advice makes it seem like it’s something that we’ve done or are not doing.
The advice that suggests that stepmothers be understanding of how the ex-wife feels and give her time to adjust is also counterproductive as the problem is not that we don’t understand (as women, especially if we are already mothers, we usually do), but it’s her intrusive behavior that gets under our skin. So again, it’s nothing that we are or aren’t doing. It’s completely natural to react, feel hurt or angry at someone who is constantly attacking you and/or your marriage and while we may understand where she is coming from, the behavior is still UNACCEPTABLE. Understanding or sympathizing with someone doesn’t mean that she gets the green light to whatever she chooses, no matter how damaging it can be to your marriage.
And I’m not letting husbands off the hook because the same applies to them. Of course we understand where our husband’s are coming from. We know that they just want their children to be okay, but that doesn’t mean that we have to accept everything they do either. We are their wives, partners for life and should always be treated as such and NO ONE should be allowed to interfere in our marriages…period. This means that we make decisions that affect our household together; there is no more going over to the ex-wife’s house to fix the kitchen sink, tell her to call a plumber; there’s no more allowing your children to disrespect us because they’re hurting, stepmothers are adults and giving respect should be demanded (whether they like her or not). You took vows to honor and protect your marriage and it doesn’t make you evil or a bad father for doing so.
The other piece of advice that is almost laughable is telling stepmothers to be patient; to which I personally want to reply by giving that person a good firm kick in the butt! Telling me to be patient is implying that I am not already being patient. I’ve been sticking with my husband, despite his difficult, intrusive ex-wife, financial strain due to numerous back and forth court battles, a child who, for the first 4 years, demanded (verbally and via his actions) that his parents be back together again, a husband who jumped (for years) at his ex-wife’s every whim because he was afraid she wouldn’t let him see his son and much more, for nearly a decade now, yet I’m still here. I’M PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING!!! If I wasn’t, I would’ve told all of them where they could go a long time ago and most stepmothers experience battles that are years long when their husband is in high-conflict with their ex-spouse. Once again, it’s not that we aren’t already patient; we’re frustrated, angry and fed up because we have been patient for so long.
It’s so important to offer support and good advice to stepmothers if we are ever to truly understand the stepfamily dynamic and help stepfamilies flourish. Currently, ALL of the responsibility falls on the stepmother and she receives absolutely no understanding. She is taught to be everyone’s punching bag because they are hurting due to the divorce. She must love, nurture, encourage and support everyone, including the ex-wife, yet she isn’t given the same and even demoralized, if she expects it in return. Not to mention that she is taught that everything is her fault anyway. His kids don’t like you because you’re not being patient. His ex-wife is difficult and intrusive because you are not being understanding. Your husband caters to his ex-wife’s every whim because you, you evil, wicked stepmother, aren’t being understanding of his needs. All of this is wrong, bad advice for stepmothers and leaves them feeling even more frustrated, overwhelmed and like failures. It makes her feel bad for wanting to be respected by CHILDREN; wanting the ex-wife to butt out and not wanting to share her husband with her.
Stepmothers are not wrong and wicked for wanting, demanding even, the above-mentioned. And they are not wrong for reacting to such unreasonable behavior. Everyone must understand that divorce is hard on EVERYONE, including the stepmother and if everyone else gets a free pass to be wicked and evil due to something that they created themselves, then the stepmother gets a pass to react to something that she didn’t create in the first place. The stepmother is not the reason for everyone’s hurt, so stop treating her as such. Remember, in the majority of cases, the divorce happened BEFORE she came along.
Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband’s divorce was not all your fault and it isn’t your responsibility to fix it so don’t beat yourself up trying to. Your husband’s and his ex-wife’s emotions are their responsibility to take charge of and not allow them to affect their children or YOU. You can be understanding and supportive without being everyone’s punching bag.
Overall, when did our society start encouraging people to act and do as they choose just because they’re hurting? This is exactly the advice that is constantly spewed to the stepmother by saying that his kids are mean because they’re hurting; his ex-wife is disrespectful and intrusive because she’s hurting; your husband doesn’t pay attention to your needs because he’s hurting. What is this teaching our children? When they are hurting, they can go and slap little Susie at school just because they are hurting? It’s unacceptable behavior and totally unfair to demand that any one person accept it, from everyone in the stepfamily, and happily at that.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I feel so much better now!
Thank you very much! Great article!
ABSOLUTELY! Finally someone who gets it and is honest about it. My husband’s ex is an absolute witch who routinely manipulated situations to make me look bad or feel bad. She just wanted to take out her disappointment and anger on me because they were busy being ‘respectful’ to each other. It went on for years until she wanted to – after not allowing her son to spend an entire weekend with us because it was ‘too long’ – send him on our single family holiday for 10 days so she could take off on a sex romp with her new boyfriend. I got so mad I finally called up, backed her into a corner and made it clear that we would not be taking her son off her hands for yet another dirty weekend. She was so surprised I haven’t heard a peep out of her since. Stand your ground stepmoms, it’s not your fault and it’s not really your problem.
Thanks for your feedback ladies! It amazes me how people seem to think that stepmoms are so evil for demanding respect, consideration and understanding. Some readers (ex-wives of course) have even told me how cruel I am because children don’t understand all of this and they are just trying to make it better for their children. To that I’d like to reply that they don’t “understand” divorce either, but that didn’t stop you from getting one. You weren’t willing to go the extra mile to help save your marriage for YOUR children, but you expect me to put up with any and everything for YOUR children. Nope, I’m not going to. There are basic, universal rules in my house and one of the most important is respect…period. I demand respectful behavior from my bio son AND my bonus son, and I don’t automatically have to put up with disrespectful, rude behavior from anyone, including my husband’s ex-wife. It’s not wrong for stepmothers to put their foot down and demand respect. If you expect it (which most ex-wives do), then you should be willing to give it; it floats both ways and I’m not going to apologize anymore for saying that. Stepmothers, you are not evil for demanding the above-mentioned, so don’t please don’t buy into that myth.
*Kela*
Beautifully put.
Yes, great article. I have been demonized by my husbands ex wife to the point that I was actually banned from the home I help pay for because his ex wife wouldn’t let the kids stay with us because I was there. She has badmouthed me and my husband all over our neighborhood (even though I have never done that). Truly, I don’t like her and I am starting not to care if the kids come at all ever. I feel bad for my husband who is a good father and loves his kids. I am sick of the ex manipulating the kids emotionally. She won’t let the kids come to our house now-which I tell my husband is illegal. I am advising him to seek a legal custody agreement. I am not abusive to the children. I almost divorced my husband over this, but sought counseling and we are in a marriage class. We are setting boundries for our marriage. Nobody likes it, but too bad.
Amen and amen!
Wow
My heart is beating so fast. YAY! Thank you for writing this and for everyone’s post! It is so nice to not feel crazy and alone. It’s so nice to have someone who truly understands what I live with day in and day out!
I’ve felt like I was in the Twilight Zone/Rosemary’s baby (you know how things kept happening around her and when she went to her husband he brushed it off as nothing).
I realize the EX’s are insecure… leading to controlling and out of control etc. But our men should stop this at the boundary line that is OUR RELATIONSHIPS! ARG
Such frustration! What is this hold these manipulative, delusional woman have over them???
My Fiancé (4.5 years) has been brutally threatened with her threats of suiting him for 100% custody of their (now 11 year old) son. All the while he was not allowed to bring him home for 6 months, all in order to get him to choose between his son and me. We finally got him back and that just all went to crap 3 days ago. She’s back to her ways but this time she used her son to call and tell his dad that he doesn’t want to come to our house. She didn’t call the father to find out if whatever her concern had any validity. Apparently if the boy comes home with a problem at school with a mate, she’s just going to go into the school and demand the child removed from every possible interaction with her son?!? Man, can you say helicopter mom? Can there be a word stronger than Overprotecting Mom? I am SO SICK of my man referring to her as a protective Mama bear! ARG
She’s just pissed that she isn’t able to control him since I’ve come along (Her frustrations seemingly went into overdrive after he asked me to marry him).
He still needs to divorce her yet he cow tailed to her for the first 6 months of this year in fear she would sue him for sole custody, yet she already was withholding their son. She snipped back at him “well you could have come here to see him”. She honestly expected him to hang out in her house! They shared 50/50 custody all of his life up until this point. We met with lawyers and they told him that even if he went to court for custody, even with the worst case scenario, he’d have more rights to his child than what he’s allowed her to impose. She thinks she’s the judge and jury and all the while she’s majorly messing up this beautiful child’s head with parental alienation tactics. Disparaging the father, disparaging me in front of the kid. Dividing his loyalties, dividing his heart. Filling his head with negative ideas of her opinions and agendas… and she has no clue how that behavior doesn’t fit into her perfect image of her mothering! Sad, very Sad.
Why do these men let these women mess up their children? Why do the men let this continue? Why don’t they stand up to them? Why don’t’ they protect them? Why isn’t there a damn boot camp to send them to?!?!
Everyone tells me that I shouldn’t write her. I’m so sick of this crap though! Why is it I’m suppose to just take this like a punching bag?? Why is it she thinks she gets to control who he has in his life? She cheated on him for a heroin addict when their child was a toddler, seriously! She came home to him with hickies on her neck and no remorse towards him. She should be thankful that he didn’t take his son then, he would have won a court case a lot easier. You’d think she’d show some kindness. I don’t know how this woman can put herself into such a delusionary state thinking she’s the good parent… more or less the good person!
This is all so sad, he needs a good lawyer a straight jacket and some toothpicks to get her to open up her eyes. I doubt there’s much hope for her, which means there’s little to no hope for their son.
Hi Valli,
First off, thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m glad you have found comfort in knowing that you are certainly not alone in how you feel. There are many who have felt or are currently feeling the exact same way. We’ve all asked ourselves the same question; why does he [our husbands or partners] allow her to do these things? Certain experts and myself have our own theories. Check out this article to hopefully provide some insight as to why men allow this to happen – http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com/wordpress/index.php/1374.
I’ve been where you are right now and the best advice I can offer you is to let go of anything that the ex-wife is or isn’t doing and focus on your partnership and eventual marriage. I know it’s not fair, her actions make you spitting mad and you feel helpless because you can see what it’s doing to the child, but stepmothers need to realize what they can control and what they can’t control and what they are not obligated to “fix.” Often times we spend too much time trying to “fix” the things that we didn’t break in the first place and neglect our marriages/partnerships with our husbands/partners. Working on your marriage/partnership will allow you two to better understand and communicate with each other and that’s most important. It presents a unified front to both your stepson and his ex-wife and strengthens your relationship.
Also, it’s important for you to set boundaries with your husband. Calmly tell him what you will and won’t stand for, if his or his ex-wife’s actions are affecting you. You don’t have to be anyone’s punching bag and it’s okay to stand up for yourself.
Thanks for reading and feel free to stop by anytime to leave a comment.
Warmly,
*Kela*
Thank you so much.
As much as I wish he would stand up and fix this, especially for his son. It’s his job to do. I do prod him and ask him if his intentions align with his actions. I try to keep him honest, but I fully accept that he has to find his own motivation.
What frustrates me the most is the inability to defend myself.
She comes by his desk (they work together) usually with an agenda, in this brief encounter she’ll make claims about what she perceives of me and/or my actions. She NEVER approaches me directly in any way. She’ll say things like… “Oh Valli tells you not to answer my calls, you don’t need to answer… I know she does”. He sits there (clearly surprised by her surprise visit) like a deer in the headlights (he’s passive aggressive with a huge “fear of confrontation”) and even though he’s emailed her many requests to do approach him at work she continues to do this. End result is that he usually doesn’t course correct her claims and assertions and she walks away with an even more negative perception of who I am. She then uses this to fuel her agenda to drive me out of his life by dangling custody of their son over his head. I’ve compared it to being in some foreign country, jailed with no representation.
Everyone tells me that I shouldn’t write her with how I feel. Why?? Yes it fires her up, but hey, at least I got my truth out. I personally don’t feel there’s any way to appease her, so what’s the point in living in fear that if I say something to rock her boat that she’ll pull custody away (she has no legal right to do so, no papers have been signed).
It’s also very hard to keep our focus on us when she is constantly inserting herself upon him, manipulating anything she can find out through her son to use against us and it’s very clear after each one of these incidents. I have to sit him down and talk sense into him again. It’s horrible. Just horrible.
I need advice from Stepmums on the altenative when you have done everything to be kind and nice to your stepchild and their other parent underminds you constantly.
Because I have said no to some requests I have got comments like “Well she is not my Mother” etc.
Now I find myself in an possible situation. The man that I share a daughter with, a home and debt, I doubt. He refers to me and our daughter by their names? his daughter told him something that I said – that I did not – and when I told him that it was not the fact he did not believe me.
we now find ourselves in a financial bind. His Ex is trying for Child Support through the Government. If she suceeds she will sink us finanically even though my Step Daughter is now working full time.
I had money before I met my partner. i put all I have into our home. I choose to stay at home to look after our 3 year old daughter and him now I will have to get a job to pay for Child Suuport.