It’s no secret that everyone at one time or another has had conflict in their lives, whether it be with members of your immediate family, your friends or your work colleagues. Blended/step-families are no strangers to the same types of conflicts. Often times, it is the children within these families that experience the most pain and conflict, and most of the time, parents are so wrapped up in the pain and emotions of their divorce that they unintentionally forget about the adjustments their children are having to make. More often than not, they themselves do not understand the emotional effects that are taking place with their children until it either spirals out of control or causes resentment, both of which becomes damaging to a child’s self worth, self-esteem and confidence.
The first tool that parents seem to turn to when their children are experiencing conflict is counseling. At first glance, this seems like the right thing to do, correct? Not always. Some have even suggested that a child being rushed into counseling, alone, can actually cause more harm than good.
In an article I recently had the pleasure of reading by Gary Direnfield, MSW, RSW in Adoption Week E-Magazine (Blended Family/Kids in Distress: What to Do?), he discussed this very subject. Mr. Direnfield suggested that all parents (including step-parents) attend counseling first, together. However, I am very aware that a great majority of people would not find this idea appeasing and would not be attainable. If it’s not attainable, he suggests separate counseling for the parents, but with the same counselor. Mr. Direnfield’s advice is simply put. Kids in distress? PARENTS GO TO COUNSELING FIRST! After reading his article, and with a little more research, I would tend to agree.
Counseling is an opportunity to resolve conflict through open communication. For example, if we have a problem with a friend or a co-worker, usually one person will initate communication to try to resolve the situation or you will talk to your supervisor. As parents, in the eyes of our children, we are charged to have all of the answers, and unfortunately, quite simply, we do not always. Sometimes we need help. Parents obtaining counseling before their children during times of conflict will be able to not only diffuse distress in their kids lives, but also learn how to better effectuate their own communication skills as well and amongst each other. As Mr. Direnfield so eloquently wrote, for children in distress, in the context of adjustment to a new blended family, rather than just sending the children off to counseling, parents and their partners should enter counseling or for a lack of a better term “parent education” first.
Obviously, BFSO readers, I realize that every persons situation in their respective blended families is different and the circumstances surrounding same need to be taken into consideration, but I tend to agree with Mr. Direnfield’s opinion that parents should attend counseling either first or along with their children in times of conflict to help open up comunication and hopefully find resolution.
BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this matter!
Peace & Blessings,
Di
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I loved this article and I partly agree with Gary Direnfield’s advice. I do agree that parents should attend counseling or parent education on how to deal with their child who needs counseling before their child goes to counseling. My ONLY problem is when “experts” offer advice that only seem to fit one type of family. There are some stepfamilies, like my own (with my husband and his ex-wife), where it’s not possible for ALL involved parents to go to counseling together first. We tried it. It was horrific, totally unproductive and we didn’t even discuss the real reason we were there, which was my stepson. So in our case, it was more beneficial for us to go separately, but to the same counselor. My husband and I went and then his ex-wife and her husband went. This kept the focus on the child instead of on our conflict, which really had more to do with their high-conflict marriage and divorce than it did the child.
So I guess I would like to hear more options from experts, instead of assuming that all stepfamilies are in the same place. As I’ve said before, there is no one size fits all approach to dealing with stepfamily issues and more types of solutions should be offered so one type of family doesn’t continually feel hopeless and helpless.
Thanks for the insightful article!
*Kela*
This article is just one of the reasons I think your site is a great resource. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve mentioned the BFSO on my stepmom blog re: an Awesome Girl award I’m sending your way: http://www.erinexperiment.com/2009/10/w-e-s-o-m-eawesome-awesome-tot-tal-ly.html
Yay!!! Thanks for the award and the compliment, Erin! I was perusing your blog this morning and saw the award. What an honor and wonderful compliment. We are truly flattered by it and I am just preparing a post to pass it on.
Thank you!
*Kela*
Thanks Erin! Your blog is fabulous too!
I think this is an interesting approach. I was not sent to counseling the years immediately following my parent’s divorce. Mostly because I internalized everything and everything seemed to be going swimmingly until I reached adolescence. I have often wondered though what resources my parents accessed to help parent me better during those years. Because I suspect that since I wasn’t acting out, they assumed things were fine and that they were doing great.
I wish all my parents had educated themselves more and dealt with their own conflicts more productively.
Carolyn,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I, like you, internalized much of my pain and anxiety when my parents divorced and when I became an adolescent, I didn’t act out per say, but I did a create a few situations for myself that my parents had to deal with that were, in my feeling, a direct result of the emotional turbulence a child of divorce experiences. Especially when their parents do not get along. Counseling would have helped them to better communicate which in turn would have led to a more productive relationship with us.
Thanks for responding. Your insightfulness is always so helpful!
Di