When going through a divorce, be prepared!
October 14, 2009 by Kela Price
Filed under Advisory Board
Below is a conversation I had with a reader, offering advice as she prepared for her divorce. Be advised that names have been changed to protect her confidentiality.
Reader: This Wednesday, we have child support court at 1pm. Currently, we are maintaining separate households, and I know that the court will establish visitation and address child support.
I am writing you because I was wanting to know if you have any tips on how I can ease the transition for the kids. Boy is 2 and Girl is 7 months. A major concern of mine is that Ex-husband hasn’t developed much of a relationship with Girl. Also I am going to need a divorce lawyer, as well. I am thinking that it should be a fairly simple case since we have no assets to divide. Any input or thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated. I have not told anyone of my discussion except for my parents. Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
My Response: Frequent contact and maintaining some sort of routine will be essential to easing the transition for your babies during this time. It’s important that visitation pick up and drop off times are strictly adhered to. Additionally, it’s better for them to have similar surroundings at both mom and dad’s house. For example, they should have a room at your house with some of their favorite things, as well as a room at dads’ house with some of their favorites. Basically, it should feel like home no matter where they are laying their heads for the night.
It might also help to start reading some kid friendly books to them regarding divorce. I’ve included links to a few below. The first one, Where Am I Sleeping Tonight, is for slightly older children (3rd or 4th grade), but you could “dumb it down” so to speak, for Boy. It will help to answer his questions or address his frustrations in a very matter of fact type of way. Remember, the children feed off of your emotion. If you embrace this change, your children will eventually embrace it. If you act anxious, nervous, heart broken (in front of them), then they will pick up on that as well.
As far as the visitation is concerned, I can definitely relate to your concerns. My son was 3 and a half when his dad and I parted ways and his father had never really had any involvement in his life. He is an overseas basketball player who works in Spain for 10 months out of the year. As such, he never had the opportunity to bond with him prior to our break up. The courts took this into consideration and awarded him frequent short visits, as opposed to longer overnight visits, during the summer months. As a matter of fact, this is automatically taken into consideration when deciding visitation for infants and toddlers. Attached are the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines concerning infants and toddlers. The courts usually adhere to such guidelines.
Regarding the attorney, I’ve recommended a few below. I’ve only personally used one of them, but the others are highly recommended.
Overall, be advised that it will be a huge mistake to go to court unprepared and without an attorney. No matter how simple the case may seem to you, I’ve always found that they are a lot more complicated than what we might think. Protect yourself and your children’s best interest by getting a good attorney in the very beginning. You’ll find that it will likely save you tons of money in the end.
Let me know if you have any additional questions. I’m here to help. Oh and check out those links to those books below.
Grace and Peace,
Reader: Court went very well and a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that the order is in place. I really appreciate all that you have done and as you stated it does pay to be prepared. Ex-husband tried to say that he made 6k less a year then what he makes but because I had the last pay stub that was mailed to the house I was able to dispute that, and he also stated he had the kids 3 overnights a week but because I kept a calendar of when he did and didn’t keep the kids I was able to dispute that as well.
God is good and I know this is only the beginning of the end. I look forward to getting my life back on track and I hope to have everything in place by the end of the year.
Thanks again!
My Response: I’m so glad that things went well for you!!! I’ve been keeping you and your family in my prayers. Additionally, I am SO glad that you were PREPARED!!! I can’t stress this enough to my clients who are going through a divorce. Often times, we don’t want to and can’t even believe that our former spouses would even be capable of such things, but divorce seems to bring the bad out in almost everybody. All of sudden they are lying about income (it happened to me), lying about visitation (it happened to me) and lying about the amount of money that they pay to take care of the child (it happened to me). As such, I always tell my clients to expect the possible worst (be prepared to defend yourself), but pray for the best.
Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book. Just for comfort, support and encouragement, check out the excerpt of my article on “Divorce Parties” here. Embrace this change so that you can move on, for yourself and your babies.
Good luck to you and your family! I’m so glad I could help.
Kela
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
“21 Quotes That Will Change Your Life!” is the latest (and first) eBook creation from Today's Modern Family writer and The Joyful Mind Project contributor, Aisha Quinece. It’s 94 pages long and filled with inspirational quotes, stories, reflections, and insights specifically designed to help you grow while creating the life you always knew was possible.
To receive your FREE copy today, all you need to do is SUBSCRIBE to her newsletter, “Create Your Life” or, follow her onto Facebook and LIKE her page. Visit www.aishaquinece.com to do so.
"My hope is that the book inspires you to continue making meaningful changes in your life while making a positive difference in the lives of others." ~Aisha
This is great advice! My husband went to court sans attorney when he divorced (broke), and The Ex got sole custody, with him having one overnight a week. He was devastated but had no idea what he was getting into.
In the end, after she took his son away for two years, he spent five times as much on lawyer just to get back some visitation. No one should EVER go into a divorce court without a lawyer, even if things are “amicable.”
If I could offer only one piece of input to situations like yours it would be for the adults to understand that visible conflict and pain between the adults should be kept away from the kids.
Keep them out of any battle, disagreement, or adult issues to the best of your ability. They are kids… do everything you can to let them be kids and not have to participate in adult issues.
If you can get help from extended family or community, take it. I can tell you that as a child whose parents divorced in the early 1970′s, when it was a-typical, my grandparents provided stability for us.
Then, when my marriage came to an end in a fairly dramatic and high-conflict way, I am glad to say that my kids had extended family, friends, and church community to provide stability in their lives.
Neither situation was perfect by any means. Thats ok. I saw some of the conflict when I was a kid and so did my kids when their Mom and I divorced. But gladly it was limited and grandparents and other family were there to normalize things for them.
And it doesnt take much. Just one uncle, aunt, neighbour, family friend, anyone reliable can make a world of difference to them. It did to me. I remember those days.
And maybe the timing of this reply is less than coincidental. Last night, I took my teenage daughter shopping for her birthday gift….
Keep in mind that her Mom and me had a HIGH-CONFLICT divorce complete with betrayal, her re-marrying very early after the fact under questionable circumstances, virtually no communication between us, and then me spinning out on booze and drugs in the process. Add a bloody and expensive court battle and families for a time divided against each other. Yet… only a few short years later, my kids are thriving in school and socially.
…So last night, after a delightful shopping trip with my daughter where we chatted and laughed… then a nice dinner. She gives me a kiss on the cheek when I drop her off at the end of the evening and an “I love you Dad”.
There are many, many more positive stories like this. I attribute them much to my kids being allowed to grow up as normally and supported as possible during in otherwise difficult circumstances.
Glad to see you reaching out for input and support. Accept all you can and apply it. It does make a huge difference.
Ciao.
Chaz
Oops… meant to mention something about lawyers.
A good lawyer can help a great deal. A lousy lawyer can screw things up royally and your kids will pay the biggest price.
I had a great lawyer. She tried all means possible to keep us out of court and negotiate between counsel. My ex, unfortunately, had a man-hating vindictive cow (sorry, my bias is showing here), who simply threw a bucket of gas on the fire.
Some lawyers I am convinced exist to serve themselves. The bigger the shit-storm, the bigger the legal bill and the more important they feel. Certainly not all, but some.
If possible, find lawyers who seek to keep you out of court and negotiate, mediate, or some other form of low-conflict resolution. If you both have lawyers of this description… run with it.
However, if the other side drops the gloves, circle the wagons and protect yourself with a good litigator. Issues of pride interweave divorce and custody battles and it can quickly become about many things other than the kids. Adult agenda can take over… and that can be the agenda of the parents or the lawyers so be cautious.
My lawyer did her best to keep things amicable but when ex’s lawyer threw gas on the fire, my lawyer responded with skill and expertise of the law and stick-handled the case like Gretzky on a break-away. She stuck to the facts and the best interest of the kids. I won the court battle (well… nobody wins but the judge ruled in my favour) based on facts, not drama. Keep in mind that I am the recovering alcoholic, yet even so, the judge saw that I had been an exemplary parent prior to spin-out.
I cant account for all judges but the ones I have seen do not have time or patience for courtroom drama and bs. They want to know and will appreciate the concise verifiable facts. Not hearsay, not conjecture… they want facts.
One last thing… document everything. Every phone call with the date, time and content. Also ever dollar spent, all time with kids, all witnesses to events. Document all attempts you make to work amicably. If anyone of an official capacity such as a doctor, counselor, teacher, cop, social worker, minister, etc are witness to anything relevant… document that as well and seek their cooperation via an affidavit. This will cost you little to nothing but will represent the credible facts rather than the drama and hearsay.
This all too will pass! If you are going through it, keep a day at a time in focus. The mountain is too big to picture all at once but you can go over it a step at a time.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I, too, like you, was a product of divorce in the 70′s. You’re right. The first people that came to our rescue were our grandparents and we did spend time with them in order to avoid some of the high conflict my parents were experiencing. So, I agree that extended family should play a part in helping ease the process for the children.
I also agree whole-heartdly about having a lawyer. Never go into family court without counsel. Unfortunately, the opposing lawyer (if there is one) will undoubtedly go out of his or her way to make your life miserable and, unfortunately, a lot of the time they do not have your childrens best interest at heart — only their client. If they did, they would never suggest no contact or limited visitation (to good and established parent) and all of the other idiosychrosies they place on people who go unrepresented. Obviously, each case in our court system is different based upon their individual circumstance, and I am only talking in reference to the comments above, but I one piece of advice I would give to every mother and father and that is to always seek counsel when it comes to your children. That’s one bill you will be glad you paid in the long run.
Peace & blessings,
Di
I came across your article, and feel very grateful you included my book, “Where Am I Sleeping Tonight?-A Story of Divorce” in your resources. I taught 4th grade for 35 years and wrote the book to help families have a vehicle to be able to discuss this very difficult pain that comes to families through divorce. Thanks for the service/information you provide.
Hi Carol!
Thanks for writing that very helpful book. I frequently recommend it to clients who have young children and are experiencing issues due to the divorce. Thanks for caring enough about your students to write it!
Warmly,
*Kela*