Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors
October 30, 2009 by Diane Greene
Filed under Stepfamilies
Divorce is war! Unfortunately, on both ends of the spectrum, some parents cannot seem to get away from battling one another. They live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children. Granted, they have become ex-spouses, but they fail to realize that they have not divorced their children.
Albeit hard, during and after divorce, one of the most important opportunities for growth, confidence and self-esteem that you can provide for your children is to encourage a healthy, strong relationship with your ex-spouse. Doing so will not only save your children the burden of carrying emotional baggage unnecessarily, but it will encourage your children to be non-combatant, confident and secure that although their parents are no longer together, they have a great relationship with both parents individually. Children who are encouraged and who enjoy healthy relationships with each parent are less likely to break the rules or to pit one parent against the other should an issue arise.
As a child of divorce myself, I always felt a sense of entanglement. There was a lot of disparagement around us children. Quite simply, the disparagement always made me want to defend the other parent. It also made me feel the need to be with that parent more than the other which eventually led to my playing two ends to the middle between them. My parents’ actions, at times, made me feel as if I had to choose who to love more. Being made to feel that way made me feel like I was a defector.
Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take. They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel. As parents, we have to do more to take responsibility during these times and not allow the disruption to cause more damage than it has to. We have to commit to co-parenting effectively so that our children do not have to share in all the pain that divorce brings. It’s not adequate to assume that your children will just ”get over it” after we as the adults “get past it.” That’s simply not fair. We have to emphasize that their relationships will not change with their individual parents, but will only get stronger during the process.
I will reiterate again, children live what they learn from us as parents. It is more than worth the effort, if we decide to walk off the battlefield that divorce prepares for us, make the necessary changes to co-parent effectively and encourage our children to have healthy relationships with both parents in order to save our children from the many unnecessary conflicts that may befall them, and so that they will never have to feel like a defector.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
“21 Quotes That Will Change Your Life!” is the latest (and first) eBook creation from Today's Modern Family writer and The Joyful Mind Project contributor, Aisha Quinece. It’s 94 pages long and filled with inspirational quotes, stories, reflections, and insights specifically designed to help you grow while creating the life you always knew was possible.
To receive your FREE copy today, all you need to do is SUBSCRIBE to her newsletter, “Create Your Life” or, follow her onto Facebook and LIKE her page. Visit www.aishaquinece.com to do so.
"My hope is that the book inspires you to continue making meaningful changes in your life while making a positive difference in the lives of others." ~Aisha
Di…. naturally, I agree.
I guess my unique twist on this is in dealing with a non-cooperative ex. Who does not define healthy interaction and exemplification for the kids in the same way I do…. or in fact, anyone else in our immediate circle including her own family.
But we do have on fundamental down… we do not overtly bad-mouth one another, other than a few heated times for both of us.
So the best I can do is my own part. And in this, I have become satisfied and at peace. I have given up trying to persuade and/or control her. I know readers are likely gasping right now and saying, “What? Chaz tried to control his ex??!!! It can’t be!”.
Of course I did! And I do my best to constantly remain on guard for this type of behaviour. It is so easy to slip into when the other party is being overtly unfair and others around the circumstance, including her own family endorse and agree that this is the case. So I have a viewpoint that is co-signed by people who would otherwise be on her side…. can you imagine how hard it is not to gloat and make powerplays for control?
The control efforts are part of the battle that we need to avoid. Including the subtle ones. And also the subtle suggestions that we are upset, dissatisfied with, or angry at the other parent… such as huffing at the mention of their name, going silent in a conversation that includes mention of them, snyde gestures or facial experessions, subtle sarcasm then quick insincere apology, or allowing kids to “over hear” conversations between adults about the other parent with whom we are at odds.
None of these are overt badmouthing… they are far sneakier than that. But I believe they are equally damaging. I have been on both the giving and receiving ends of these behaviours. They add no value to divorced parenting.
The best things we can be is an authentic, growing, healing, productive person. Stress on ‘authentic’. Kids will then draw their own conclusions based on what they see or experience. Nothing will be more impacting than their own conclusions. For the positive or negative. So all we have to do is ‘BE’.
Ciao
Chaz
Chaz,
I absolutely agree with you. Something you said is very powerful, “Nothing will be more impacting than their own conclusions.” AMEN!!!! That is what happened with me when I became a teenager. I drew my own conclusion that my dad wasn’t the beast my mother had made him out to be since I was 6. I then held on to a lot of resentment for a very long time.
I admire the fact that you can own up to your mistakes in your divorce as well. It is liberating to own your mistakes which in turn gives one peace. I have experienced that myself on many occasion. Two people rarely see issues in their relationships the same way but learning to accept that persons faults or decisions, albeit as long as it is not something detrimental to the well-being of the children, is just something we each have to do because at the end of the day, we cannot control another persons thoughts, attitudes or perceptions in any situation. We can only control ourselves and how we directly deal with that situation. I also totally agree with you regarding disparagement in other forms (as you listed above) outside of just vocal remarks where you are correct, very sneaky is an understatement but I have seen this over and over again working in the legal field and having read numerous declarations over the years. These types of actions hurt the children involved and sometimes ruin their self-esteem and in the end they resent that parent. Children are smarter than we give them credit for sometimes and they can certainly read between the lines.
Thank you for your insightful response. It was very thought provoking.
Di
Thanks for the post, surviving divorce with children can be a challenge.
I’ve experienced how surviving divorce financially is hard.
Thanks for your comments Cory. Many people are aware of the financial strain that divorce can leave on your life. Your divorce survival kit is a great idea! Send us a free kit, we’ll do a product review and start recommending it to readers and clients!
Warmly,
*Kela*
Very exciting and what a good idea!