Healthy marriage or healthy divorce?
October 25, 2009 by Kela Price
Filed under Love and Marriage
Supernanny Jo Frost
I love the show Supernanny with Jo Frost, the intuitive nanny who is much more than just a nanny. She literally brings families together by opening up lines of communication, teaching parents how to better understand their children and teaching couples how to work together. What I admire most is her “tell it like it is” approach. She’s very understanding and sweet, yet she doesn’t hesitate to put a parent in his or her place, especially when she feels as if his or her actions are negatively affecting the children.
The season premiere aired on Friday and it featured a stepfamily; husband and wife with three biological kids and the wife had a daughter from a previous marriage. The stepfather appeared to be contributing to the problems of his biological children and stepchildren by under disciplining his biological children and over disciplining his 13 year old stepdaughter. After careful observation, Jo-Jo didn’t hesitate to tell him to start acting like an adult. She told him that his kids need him to act like an adult and be the father/father figure in the household. She didn’t let mom off the hook either. She basically told her that her permissive parenting was ruining her daughter and she and her husband needed to start working together to present a unified front for her.
Jo-Jo often tells parents that their children need them to stop making excuses and to think about their futures and the life skills they need to develop to become strong, well-rounded adults. I couldn’t agree more with Supernanny and this is often my message to clients and readers when they reveal that their households are in total chaos due to all the stepfamily obstacles that many remarried couples face.
Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife who spends more time trying to develop a loving relationship with her ex-husband, but is fighting with her husband about discipline in the household; or a remarried dad who reveals that he feels obligated to fix his ex-wife’s kitchen sink, allow her to be intrusive or spend time with her and the kids because of the kids, I pose this question; “Is it more important and beneficial to your kids to show them what a healthy divorce or a healthy marriage looks like?” Their usual response is silence, followed by an “I get what you’re saying now.”
Our society has been conditioned to believe that it’s better for children of divorce if we spend all of our time getting the divorced parents to live in harmony rather than developing and nurturing the remarriage. I’m not saying that it isn’t beneficial to the children to see the divorced parents being on the same page and working together to co-parent between two households, but getting them to love and live in harmony is an unrealistic expectation that shouldn’t be made priority over everything else. Divorced parents who are remarried shouldn’t spend the majority of their time trying to show their children what a healthy divorce looks like instead of showing them what a healthy marriage looks like. Like Supernanny says and most ex-wives say to stepmothers, “remember that you are the adults and it’s time to start putting their needs above your own!” Doing so, [putting their needs above your own] means considering their future beyond the divorce. They need to see a husband and wife being affectionate with one another, working together to run their household, and disallowing external factors, such as ex-spouses and guilt to wreak havoc on their marriage. Why? Because this is hopefully the future you want for your children and because you failed to show them with your first marriage, take the opportunity to do so with your second.
Ultimately we want to see our children experience happy marriages in adulthood, and in order for that to happen, we must show them what that looks like. Additionally, working too hard to show them a healthy divorce could send the message that divorce is an option. For example, I recently had a conversation with my husband, who is a child of divorce, and he said that he didn’t think divorce was so bad because of what he witnessed with his parents divorce and how he didn’t see his remarried mom and stepdad interact. As a result, with his first marriage, he was divorced in less than 3 years, but he spent all of his time trying to make it work after the divorce instead of working on building a marriage with me. He thought he was doing the right thing because of the examples he had from his childhood. Divorce, instead of marriage, in his opinion, required the most work and therefore making the divorce work was his number one priority.
In a society where 50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce, we need to do something different. More time needs to be spent on nurturing our marriages as opposed to nurturing our divorces. Our children need to see healthy examples of marriage, instead of putting all of the effort into showing them healthy examples of divorce. Remember, we want them to live happily ever after…marriage, not divorce! BFSO writer and counselor, Diane Greene often says that children live what they learn and this is so true. So, what are you teaching your children? Spending all of your time working on your divorce may make you feel better by ridding you of the guilt over divorcing in the first place, but in the long run, what are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them how to make a marriage work or how to make a divorce work? If so, which one do you think will be better for them in the future?
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This is a great thought provoking post! Great job, Kela!
Wow, this is a mouthful!
I have come to a similar conclusion that exemplifying a healthy marriage to my current wife is the best example I can give my or her kids.
The opportunity to have a good relationship with my ex is very limited and frankly, I have surrendered any efforts to develop a relationship with my ex. She just doesnt want it so the best I can do is not fight.
Not fighting with the ex is only an example of neutrality to my kids. I do not want to train them by example to be neutral to others. I agree it is far more important for them to see and experience an authentically functioning marriage between their Dad and his wife. Even if Dad’s wife isn’t their Mom.
My step kids are in a position right now where their Dad, although he has been a fabulous Dad in many ways… has recently taken up with a new girlfriend who he has made his priority over them. It is sad and unfortunate.
He recently cancelled a scout night where he is a leader and son is in the troop… in favour of having his new love interest come over. It is even more complex given that son has some socialization issues and scouts is one of few things he has during the week that allow him to interact with peers in a healthy environment.
For lack of a more compassionate label, the father is behaving like a selfish bastard. He is a pathetically desparate puppet on a string for this new chick. He is doing the flailing “I am affraid to end up alone” thing and putting the whole thing way out of balance. Now his love life is none of my or my wife’s business… but the kids are.
They have vocalized that they feel displaced by the woman who has not endeavored to relationship build with the kids in the least. She is just there. Always present. Staying over in Dad’s bed right off the hop.
What message is this carrying to the kids? I dont know. I do know that their Mom and I never shared a room or bed in their presence until we were married.
She also never cancelled plans with them at the drop of a hat to spend time with me. And we slowly got to know each other (me and the kids) over time by having planned, finite get-togethers like a couple hours at a beach or park doing things together.
Sadly, their Dads new girlfriend has been thrust upon them with no consideration for a realistic timeline for them to adapt and accept. Oh ya, and she barely speaks english. So how does the relationship get built?
I have no idea all of the messages this carries to the little gaffers, but they can’t all be good ones. Again though, the best thing their Mom and I can do is have an authentically good marriage and treat each other with kindness and respect. And staging it wont cut it. We have to BE it. Kids can spot unauthenticity from accross a crowded room.
I agree with super-nanny. The adults need to behave like adults. Kids by default are kids (deep eh?). And if it takes a neutral party Alpha-Female to tell a father to ‘grow the f#*% up’…. then so be it.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I think what’s most important about your comments is to point out the clear distinction between exemplifying a healthy marriage and just saying to hell with your kids. Each time I say don’t create a marriage that revolves around your kids, but instead allow your kids to revolve around your marriage, many think I mean that you show little regard for your children at all. Of course I don’t mean that it’s okay to choose going out to dinner with your wife over your son’s first basketball. What I mean is that it is NOT OKAY to put your marriage last and create a world where EVERYTHING revolves around your children. It’s important to still be a couple; have date nights, hold hands (in front of the kids), and present a unified front. This doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your children. It means that you are not neglecting your marriage. It’s all about balance. Chaz, I hope your stepchildren’s dad learns to find that balance and I’m glad you and your wife have found it.
As always, thanks for your comments and insight.
*Kela*
Kela… great distinction…. rather than putting your marriage ahead of / in place of kids, we are just making sure it doesnt come last.
Reminds me of an AA tradition we have. It says “Our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends on AA unity”. Some take this to mean that AA groups are placed in an exalted position over the individual. Yet, the way the tradition was formed was by a discovery that if there was no fellowship or organization of AA, the individual had nowhere to go to develop his/her personal recovery.
A more detailed writing of this tradition states that the individual alcoholic comes immediadley next in priority.
I suppose similarly, if the couple doesn’t remain intact and functioning, the kids wont have the strength of the parents to draw on. And may end up in another divorce situation.
I suppose this is also different for an existing couple versus bringing a new love interest into the picture. A new person needs to be brought in wisely. No different than hiring a new employee and just letting them take over. Even if they are hired as a manager, it is unwise and unproductive for them to take over and change everything at once without consideration to how fast and effectively the rest of the staff can adapt.
I agree, balance is essential.
Ciao
Chaz
Chaz,
I totally agree, a new girlfriend or boyfriend must be gradually introduced to the kids. Although the kids should have not veto power over who stays or goes, their feelings and the intrusion of their space (their home) must be taken into consideration when making dating decisions. It’s a big change to have someone new in your home and life without the least bit of time to get used to the mere idea. It’s unfair to the child and immediately causes resentment and a wealth of other problems.
I like your comparsion to AA as well! It seems as if it [the recovery process] does so much more than teach you to live a life free of addiction.
Thanks for sharing,
*Kela*