Why Did I Get Married?
November 18, 2009 by admin
Filed under Love and Marriage
Marriage is HARD work and love alone is not enough. It requires nurturing, attention, patience, loyalty, understanding and trust, among other things. Remarriages with children are even more difficult, due to the external forces (ex-spouses, children and emotional baggage) that often times make it difficult for couples to make their marriages a priority. But, it really isn’t that difficult at all and it’s crucial to make your remarriage, just as you would your first marriage, priority number one! Why? Because if your marriage fails, your blended family fails and your kids have to experience a second divorce. It’s as simple as this - families can’t and won’t blend if the marriage isn’t the first to blend. If the ex-spouses get along great, but your marriage is headed for divorce, then it is highly likely that you’ve put too much energy into your divorce and not enough into marriage.
I’ve talked to many wives who have stated that they feel unsupported by their husbands. They feel as if what his ex-wife says holds more weight than what she, his wife, says. They feel as if their husbands walk on eggshells around the ex-wife, but have no problem stating their opposing view to them, their wives. Simply put, they feel as if the fear of them (husbands) not seeing their children, forces them to be more of a partner to their ex-wives than their wives.
Then I talk to the husbands who say that they feel they HAVE to do everything their ex-wives say because they just want to see their children. They are not trying to neglect their marriages and often believe that they make their marriages a priority simply because they are still married. Many believe that their wives need to be more understanding of their situations and realize that it’s nothing personal, they just want to see their kids.
The advice that I offer to these men is this: Marriage is extremely personal! Your wife wants to feel valued as your partner; the co-captain of the team in which you are the captain. Not as a bench member on a team in which you and your ex-wife are the captains. How much sense does it make for you to always think about not upsetting your ex-wife, for whatever reason, when your wife is constantly upset? Expecting your wife to just always understand and put her feelings aside is taking her for granted. Your wife shouldn’t be solely responsible for understanding your situation (divorce). It is your ex-wife who needs to understand and respect your marriage. Simply put, your marriage comes first because blended families don’t fail, (re) marriages do!
The question is how do you fix it? How do these couples begin to repair their marriages so that they don’t end up in divorce battle number 2? What I recommend is something that my husband and I do quite often and it has helped to strengthen our marriage immensely. I tell them to sit in front of each other at least once per month and ask this question - Why did I get married? Then tell each other the reasons why they chose to marry the other. This gently forces couples to bring back all of those happy feelings that led up to them marrying in the first place. It puts the focus on them instead of the drama. It allows them to look into each other’s eyes and remind each other of why they fell in love in the first place. Often times couples allow the drama of ex-spouses and the obstacles of blending a family to consume them, and their marriages are an after thought. This simple exercise allows couples to constantly remind each other of why they love them, and it allows them as individuals to remember why the other should be valued as his or her life partner.
Below are some other tips to help you pave your way to a better marriage.
- Communication. Communication is essential in any relationship. From discipline to money matters, constant communication is key in order to make sure you remain on the same page.
- Find a way to deal with your issues. If you’re too upset to talk about your issues face-to-face, use a problem box. Write down your problem and place it in what you and your spouse know to be the problem box. This way you can communicate your problem without having to actually verbalize it, and your partner can digest it without your eyes glaring at him or her. When things cool down, address the problem, face-to-face.
- Remember to make decisions that affect your household TOGETHER. No, your spouse shouldn’t be expected to sit down with you and your ex-spouse to discuss things like choosing a school, doctors or dentists. But, issues such as visitation schedules and discipline in the household should be discussed with your wife.
- Your spouse is your life partner.Remember that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner!
- Treat the relationship like you are the best of friends.Remember that your spouse is the person that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and you should treat the relationship like you are the best of friends. Just being life partners and making decisons together gets redundant in a very short period of time. Building a marriage with a strong foundation of friendship will last a lifetime. Do fun things together, laugh together and be goofy with each other. You’ll begin to notice your relationship becoming stronger and more loving after doing so.
Our certified stepfamily coaches/counselors focus ONLY on all issues of divorce, remarriage and the step/blended family. Whether you just got a divorce and are in need of a co-parenting plan, are about to get remarried and are in need of an entry play or are currently immersed in your blended family and are in need of a recovery plan, we can help. For a consultation, please send an email to counseling@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
Author Rob Flood credits the principle of first response for helping to change his attitude and heal his marriage. He says that the course of any conflict is determined by the responder, not the initiator. Remember, as the responder, you can choose how the conversation will go. Are you interested in being right, and being heard; or are you interesting in hearing your partner/spouse in order to resolve the conflict? If you both make concerted efforts to hear each other and then respond accordingly, you will discover that you'll be much better at resolving conflict.
This is an EXCELLENT post!
Kela…
A sad thing I see is people setting themselves up for failure in thinking marriage will “make them happy”.
Without an understanding that marriage requires the “nurturing, attention, patience, loyalty, understanding and trust, among other things”, you mention at the beginning of your post, I would say that most of us would just be playing house awaiting the eventual misery of a loveless marriage or divorce.
As I have experienced it, marriage starts with us as individuals taking responsibility for ourselves. And then bringing the best “us” we can to the marriage to bring happiness and function instead of simply expect it.
I also believe that for someone to leave one marriage and get into another one without doing some very deep soul searching over a period of time and with the reflections of others who can give them perspectives they may be blind to on their own, that they are kidding themselves once again.
No matter how bad the other person was that we left or got left by, we owe it to ourselves, our new spouse, and our kids to make concerted efforts to learn something deep and meaningful about our part in why we ended up in a painful marriage in the first place. Even if our part was just poor selection of a partner (which it seldom is as simple as that), but even if it were, we are in huge risk of a repeat.
I agree with you. A blended family does not fail. A marriage does. And a lot of people will invariably be hurt by this second divorce.
Ciao.
Chaz
“As I have experienced it, marriage starts with us as individuals taking responsibility for ourselves. And then bringing the best “us” we can to the marriage to bring happiness and function instead of simply expect it.” I LOVE that statement, Chaz!
Many remarried couples that I speak with often believe that because they chose a different person or that because they are different from their spouse’s ex-spouses, that their marriage will automatically be blissful, assuming that the problem in their past marriages was the OTHER spouse and not them. You’re right, it’s rarely that simple! So I say focus less on what ex-spouses, mother-in-laws, siblings or anyone else is or isn’t doing and focus more on bringing your best self to the marriage. It is at that point that your marriage will have a chance of survival. A blended family does not fail; a marriage does, and you’re at increased risk for failure if you always focus on parties outside of the marriage OR you expect things to be different just because the person you married is different from your ex-spouse or you are different from his or hers. Marriage alone will not make you happy. It’s the people who participate in the marriage, who put in the work to make the marriage happy.
As always, thanks for your insight, Chaz!
*Kela*
Kela…. I have sometimes wondered if it would not be wise to forewarn couples who are anticipating marriage that in spite of what you feel right now about how much you love each other, that you will one day have feelings of the darkest nature about your spouse. The dark feeling may be momentary, it may be prolonged, but will likely include resentment, distrust, being unapprciated, being ignored, or any and all manner of pain and dysfunction.
And then simply prepare them for the reality that this is typical of any two people in a relationship. And that if these feelings do show up, to not panic, to not take it too personally, but to realize that this is just life and that now that they are here, it is time for the real work of marriage to start.
I did something of this nature with a colleague. I had trained them as a novice and in the course of training, I told her, “since we work together in a high-pressure environment, it is inevitable that one day we will disagree and be hurt or bothered about something. It is just a matter of when. So in advance, sorry. And I am willing to work through whatever it is whenever it shows up”.
Sure enough, a few months later we had a barn-burner of a disagreement. I said something that they took very personally. It was an innocent comment that was oblivious, but indeed hurtful.
When it happened, I first apologized and took responsibility for what I said and my oblivion. I then asked her if she recalled the conversation about one day us being at painful odds. She said yes. So I said, “well it appears that day has arrived”.
Although we laughed, we both realized at that moment that this was just a normal eventuality and not to take it too seriously or personally.
We had a few of them afterwards and all were surmountable.
On a grander and far more important scale, is it not wise to expect that at some point, amidst all the moving parts in life, that we will be at some point at odds with our spouse? And perhaps painfully so? Is this not a near-certain eventuality? Esepcially with the extreme dynamics of blended families with step kids, step parents, differing values, age issues, financial issues, etc, etc?
I am deeply in love with my wife and she is easily my best friend on the planet. I love nothing more than to spend time with her. We talk and laugh constantly. Yet we still have our moments. We still get upset from time to time and feel pain.
Each taking responsibility for our individual parts and not taking the fact that we go through problems and pain too personally has been an amazing journey. We do not fear conflict very much. We both know that if we get in it, that it too will pass. And this does not mean the issue will just fade or be swept under the rug. We just know that with the complex lives we have, it is bound to happen and we move THROUGH it rather than let it derail us or our marriage.
Frankly, if we never had conflict or pain, I wouldnt trust the relationship. One of us would have to be less than honest with ourselves and the other if we never had an argument, disagreement, or conflict of some kind. It is just human nature.
But the mature, balanced, and healthy person can get through those times. I am way better at it now than I was in my first marriage. I have brought a better me to my new marriage. One that had learned a number of things through trial and error and a lot of pain.
This is one of the perspectives I feel blessed to have in my marriage. This is one component of the best “us” that can make a huge difference.
Anyone can sign up for a relationship to take. But the ones that are most likely to last and find find happiness and function are those who show up to bring something. To give. And how can we do that unless we have made ourselves healthy, mature, and balanced?
My experience anyway.
Ciao.
Chaz
You’re right, Chaz! Conflict is any relationship is inevitable and it’s how you move through it that matters. The key here is acceptance; accepting this as a normal part of life and marriage. People argue, couples argue and it doesn’t mean that you’re automatically headed for divorce or that you should run for the hills. It just means that you’re normal, and it’s how you react to such situations that will dictate whether or not you’re doomed for failure, but not the situation itself.
*Kela*
Fabulous article Kela! I’m sitting at a marriage retreat this weekend - something my husband and I are a part of because his office is responsible for hosting this event two or three times a year (Strong Bonds is for military marriages - most of them are RE-marriages). We just finished watching parts of Mark Gungor’s video, “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” and one of the things Gungor suggests is to press the reset button - very much like what you and your husband do once a month. This reset helps brings things back into balance. It allows for communication and forgiveness to take place.
Well said Kela!
Peggy
Thanks, Peggy! I think that many couples, whether they are remarried or not, take for granted that marriage is something that you have to work at. Either the drama from past marriages and/or the struggles of blending a family or the day to day obstacles of work and life get in the way, or both. Whatever the case may be, it is so important to bring things back into balance in our marriages by pressing that reset button. I love Mark Gungor’s philosophy and I know that pressing that reset button has certainly enabled my husband and I to remain connected and in love.
I love those marriage retreats. What a fantastic way to make a conscious choice to work on maintaining your marriage!
*Kela*