Establishing expectations between the stepmother and divorced mother
December 15, 2009 by Kela Price
Filed under Daily Dose
Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.
Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.
There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?
Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?
Divorced Mom
When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?
Stepmothers
What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?
When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.
After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.
Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.
Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”
BFSO readers, we want to hear your opinions on the matter. Stepmothers and divorced mothers, what are your expectations of each other? Have you clearly thought about them? Are they realistic? Are they what’s best for your children and not just YOU? Let us know by chiming in on the discussion.
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
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What is bugging me about the two posts is that Wednesday’s post did not sound like she was saying that the stepmom’s perspective included explaining that she should be able to treat the stepkids like sloppy seconds, that she had a problem with the mom talking to the dad about kid-related issues, or that she thought she should never have to talk to the mom at all.
Jen’s post — the divorced mom’s perspective post — sounded like it was saying that putting the kids in the middle in a way that was detrimental to them and subtly encouraging them not to like their stepmom — was part of the divorced mom perspective — that it was linked to and fueled by feelings of jealousy or fear — and that it might not have been a good thing, but that part of understanding her perspective was understanding why a mom might do those things.
Wednesday’s post didn’t have anything I can remember about how if a stepmom did things that hurt or their relationship with their mom, it was part of where she was coming from as something mom needed to understand — other than possibly being distant from the kids. That doesn’t seem anywhere near putting the kids in the middle or undermining their relationships with their parents. She also didn’t say that the mom needed to reach out to the stepmom to make her feel more secure so that she would find it easier to act in the kids’ best interests. It sounds like that’s what Jen’s post was saying.
One of the things that is really bugging me about the discussion about mom-stepmom conflicts is that it keeps being framed as “both sides are equally responsible”. In any given relationship, it could be the mom who is acting out, or it could be the stepmom who is acting out, or both women could be acting out, or neither. I don’t hear that being said. I hear it always being couched in terms that make both sides equally responsible in some way for any misunderstandings or conflicts or hurtful actions.
If the mom is doing things that hurt the kids or undermine their relationship with their stepmom, it is not the stepmom’s fault — even if the mom feels threatened by or afraid of the stepmom. It is not the stepmom’s responsibility to make the mom feel better so that she will treat the kids more maturely. If the stepmom wants to reach out to the mom and try to soothe here and heal the situation, great. If not, acting maturely is still the mom’s responsibility.
I keep hearing stories about moms who feel threatened and afraid and jealous acting out. Mom acting out is not stepmom’s fault.
And of course, a stepmom acting in ways that hurts the kids would not be mom’s fault, either. Soothing her would not be mom’s responsibility. (Although it would sure be nice to hear moms talking about ways they could help stepmoms feel more comfortable. That’s an area of discussion that seems to get skipped over frequently!)
Kela, this post is fantastic!
Key point: After expectations comes acceptance.
I believe that both parties place too many unrealistic expectations on the other and when one party can’t meet same, the other tends to begrudge. I once read a quote that said “being open to possibilities is empowering; falling into expectations is crippling.” A lot can be learned by both an ex-wife and a step-mom by reading that quote. Accept your new life, be empowered do not allow your emotions to control you.
Di
Jill,
Thanks so much for your comments. Let me proceed by clarifying a few things. I did not mean that Wednesday said or implied in her post that the stepmom should or is treating the stepchildren as sloppy seconds. I did not mean that either party should reach out to the other to make each other feel better about their respective issues. I was merely indicating that when i sit down with a stepmother/divorced mother duo, I pose these types of questions to them. Not those exact questions, but questions based on the information they provide to me. I used those questions based on the Wednesday and Jen’s posts. The questions aren’t implying that either party would answer yes to any of them. It’s just a way to get the conversation to move from blame toward solution. When you say we should cut each other some slack, what does this mean? When you say that I should understand why you put your kids in the middle (and many ex-wives do because they feel threatened), what does this mean? Often times, when we start this type of conversation, who ever is at fault, whether it’s one or both parties, begins to take a long hard look at themselves. And many times it provides a sense of relief, especially when a stepmom replies by saying, “of course it doesn’t mean that I’m going to treat your children as if they are sloppy seconds.” I hope I’ve clarified those statements a bit.
You’re absolutely right when you say if the mom is doing things to undermine the kids’ relationship with stepmom, it’s not stepmom’s fault. And I think it’s an unfair and unrealistic expectation for stepmom to have to reach out to make mom feel better, on top of everything else that she has to contend with. That being said, I do think there are some things that mom should be doing in order to make stepmom’s life easier. However, it doesn’t involve mom calling stepmom to stroke her ego by telling her that she is now the lady of the house. It merely involves mom doing what she should be doing anyway and that’s giving her children permission to like their stepmom and encouraging their relationship. It involves mom not allowing her insecurities to become her child’s insecurities. It involves mom not allowing her emotions to affect her co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband. Those simple things would make stepmom’s job easier because it frees the children of any loyalty binds that they feel as a result of mom’s behavior.
Lastly, I don’t think everything that any of us say (from me to Wednesday to Jen or anyone else who speaks on these issues) is absolute. We are merely offering different perspectives that may not be applicable to every single situation. When I give examples, they are derived from either my own personal experiences or those of my clients and readers.
Again, thanks so much for chiming in on the discussion. What is clear is that discussion is needed.
Warmly,
*Kela*
This is what I think about the whole issue – (and I read both Wedensday’s and Jen’s articles)
I am a firm believer in personal responsibility. It is only when we claim 100% ownership for our lives, when we stop blaming, complaining, making excuses and justifying our behavior that we can move towards healing the rift and resolving the conflict.
Whether your the mom or the stepmom (or in a lot of cases, you are both!) owing your relationships is critical. I own my relationship with my husband, his kids, my kids, his ex-wife, my boss, my neighbors. I am responsible for what I think, say and do. I am the creator of my own circumstances.
If my expectations are unreasonable, I will have unreasonable outcomes. If I have fuzzy wants, needs and desires, I will have fuzzy outcomes. What goes on between my own two ears determines 90% or more of my outcome.
The ONLY person I can control is me. I can’t control anyone else. What I think about, I bring about. Because thoughts become things.
If I’m thinking the Ex-Wife should be doing or should not be doing, I’m setting myself up for a colossal failure of epic propotions because I am clearly at war with reality. The Ex-Wife does what the Ex-Wife does and no amount of me “shoulding” to death will change anything…but it will keep my knickers in a bunch.
One of the tennants of Covey’s Seven Habits is “Seek First to Understand then to be Understood.” Richard’s Ex-Wife and I have both done a lot of listening to each other. We are not at odds because we’ve both realized a few truths about being a mom and being a stepmom. We’ve also realized something very important about each other – we are more the same then we are different.
I have to get ready for work now…I could write a book about this stuff.
You may want to check out the series of articles on Self-Deception and Self-Betrayal that I’m re-running on my blog this month.
Peggy
http://thestepmomstoolbox.com
Hi Peggy,
I always enjoy hearing your perspective on the modern (meaning blended or step) family. Often times, after carefully reading your posts and comments, I agree with most of what you say. There is just one point in your comment to my post that I disagree with, if I am understanding it correctly. I definitely agree that we are in charge of our own feelings, thoughts and emotions; however, I disagree that if I have warm and fuzzy feelings and desires, then my outcomes will be warm and fuzzy as well. Many stepmoms will tell you that this simply isn’t the case, including myself. Sometimes the outcome simply won’t be warm and fuzzy no matter how warm and fuzzy my feelings are. Sometimes you can be warm, fuzzy, friendly and loving, but your stepchildren still won’t like you. Sometimes you can be open-minded, sensitive, over accommodating…but the ex-wife still won’t be receptive to those feelings. Sometimes you can want to and do everything in your power to make everything better for everyone else (it’s that “fix it” syndrome), but everything still won’t be “fixed.” It’s how you react during those times that is most important, while still keeping your expectations realistic. And part of maintaining realistic expectations is knowing that your warm and fuzzy desires and feelings just might not bring about that outcome. As I stated in the article, expectations AND acceptance of your current reality is essential. We can’t live in a world of how things should be. We must just accept what is and then move forward.
Always a pleasure,
*Kela*
Hi Kela,
I didn’t write “warm and fuzzy.” I wrote “fuzzy” – as in unclear. If what I want or desire in life is unclear, my outcomes will be unclear.
So please note my comment had nothing to do with “warm and fuzzy” feelings.
Thanks,
Peggy
(PS – my first comment was pretty quick – I’m at work – so it came off a bit abrupt. I think knowing that I was not referring to “warm & fuzzy feelings” but being unclear changes the context in which you read my comment. Pollyanna I am not
Hi Peggy!
It definitely changes the context in which I read your comment! That’s why I wanted you to clarify what you meant by that statement. I thought you meant warm and fuzzy desires. Now that you cleared that up, I totally understand where you are coming from. Your expectations of yourself and other stepfamily members definitely have to be clear and aligned with your current reality. Thanks for clarifying that statement.
*Kela*