Why is it ALWAYS about the moms?
September 23, 2008 by Kela Price
Filed under Advisory Board, Daily Dose
I had a long conversation with a reader, Amy, a few weeks ago. Some of you might remember her as the outspoken ex-wife who wasn’t too happy about my Wives Wars article and didn’t hesitate to let me know. However, through our written dialogue, she raised a very good question – “Why does it seem like it [the blended family] is always about mom and step-mom raising the kids while dad just kicks back and watches?” Although I referenced a similar notion in that article [“If we can get the women to act like adults (usually men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there”]. I never deeply pondered Amy’s question until she brought it to my attention.
Because so much of the breakdown in communication occurs between the wives, I think it’s necessary to examine potential reasons why this happens.
There has been tons of research on the topic of how women and men communicate differently. Women tend to lead with their emotions, and men would rather lead with facts and logic (so they say). When it comes to women and their children, they are born with a protective instinct that can be compared to a mama bear and her cubs. Often times this instinct is based on an emotional response to the situation instead of being based fact and logic. As such, when the second wife enters the picture, many ex-wives react to their inability to control the situation, and when one loses control, fear sets in. When fear sets in, anything having to do with logic and fact goes out the window. All that woman is concerned about is protecting her children from someone that she doesn’t know. And, don’t expect her to trust her ex-husband’s judgment because in her eyes, he doesn’t use good judgment. This is called the mama bear syndrome.
I can relate to the mama bear syndrome as I experienced it myself when my ex suddenly remarried. Although my ex had only known his current wife for a very short time before they married, and my ex spent most of the year out the country; thereby he lacked the experience in raising our child. I still don’t know if my initial reaction [feeling a bit threatened by her presence] would’ve been any different. To me, his current wife symbolized the end of my son’s family. His parents would never be back together again, and consciously or unconsciously, that’s what every child wants at some point in their lives. Not to mention that now my ex would now be primarily taking advice from her, about MY child; a child that she didn’t even know. Although I wanted my life with my ex to change (that’s why we broke up in the first place), I didn’t want my son’s world, as he knew it, to drastically change. As a result, I will honestly admit that I didn’t give her much of a chance in the beginning. But, I had to take a step back, check myself and realize that (1) it wasn’t about me (2) this is the woman that he chose and the ring indicated that she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon (3) it doesn’t matter how sudden their marriage was, maybe she could be a positive integral part of our son’s life (4) I was pre-judging her, instead of getting to know her for myself.
The next reason that the wives seem to keep the war going is what I like to call emotional baggage. Usually this is something that many ex-wives have so much trouble letting go of. Emotional baggage consists of those irrational thoughts such as; she [second wife] is going to replace me; my children may like being with their father more than me; now my ex won’t listen to me anymore, etc. Notice all of those me statements? You can’t have all of those me statements, but still think that it’s about your children. Don’t weigh down our plane [blended family] with your emotional baggage. Check it before getting on the plane. And, this is not Southwest, Northwest or American Airlines, you check more than one bag. Now, just because you can’t bring your emotional baggage on the plane doesn’t mean that you can not or should not deal with that baggage. You can deal with it in your own way, but not in a way that affects everybody else on the plane.
Ex-wives aren’t totally responsible for the breakdown in communication between the ex and second wife. Second wives and divorced dads also add to the conflict. Step-moms have a tendency to over do it in the beginning. Yes, it is possible to over do it. We get caught up in being the best step-mom that we can be. We get caught up in fixing “it,” because in our eyes it must be broken, that’s why the divorce occurred in the first place. As such, we also have the tendency to butt in when it’s not our right or business to do so. Step-moms need to step back and let the biological parents lead. Our job is to be there as support. Our opinions are certainly relevant and valuable, but at the end of the day, bio mom and bio dad need to be communicating the decisions that are made for their child. I always say that if (in most cases – when) we go to court, the step-parent isn’t going to be allowed to speak for his or her spouse. So, don’t start off allowing the step-parents interfere to the extent that it keeps you from civilly communicating with your ex-spouse.
My ex’s wife was guilty of this is the beginning, and it didn’t help our relationship. Every time we discussed an issue of visitation, child support or any other matter that I should have been discussing with him, I was discussing it with her. This made me resent her even more. After all, I shouldn’t have had to discuss such matters with his new wife, who had only been on the scene for a hot minute. Well, it doesn’t matter if she had been on the scene for several years. Certain matters should be handled by the biological parents. In her defense, however, I could tell that she was only trying to help, but it didn’t. Like I said, when we ended up in court, we [the biological parents] were expected to communicate our issues to the Judge and each other. She wasn’t even allowed in the court room. Therefore, I shouldn’t have been expected to discuss those issues with her outside of the courtroom.
One of the final reasons that second and ex wives can’t seem to get along is because divorced dad is all over the place. I realize that dad is automatically placed in what seems like an impossible position in the blended family. His ex-wife will often feel that his loyalty should be to her because she is the mother of his children. But, his current wife will feel that his loyalty should be to her because she is his wife. As a result, many divorced/remarried dads seem to “side with” whoever he’s talking to at that time. He’s easily led, sets no boundaries for his ex-wife and lacks control of his family. My advice to these dads is to man up. It shouldn’t be that difficult to know what to do. Your second marriage vows should be no different than your first. Your loyalty should always be to your wife! Your only responsibility is to remain an active parent in your children’s lives and treat your former wife with respect and civility. It doesn’t mean that you have to do whatever your ex-wife says. Set boundaries. She should not be allowed to wreak havoc on your marriage just because she can’t get a grip on the dissolution of her marriage and family. You are the head of your household (the one your wife lives in), so act like it. Instead of giving in to your ex-wife’s every whim, thereby making your current wife lose trust and faith in your relationship, take the appropriate measures to remain an active parent in your children’s lives. Remember, just because you married your current wife second doesn’t mean that those vows should be any less important than the first. By that same token, remember that just because you divorced your first wife doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t be treated with respect. She shouldn’t be told to “get a life” just because she expresses concern for her children. Trust me, you want the mother of your children to love her children with every ounce of her being. Just because you get married a second time doesn’t mean that she all of sudden doesn’t know what to do with HER children or that she shouldn’t continue to express concern for them. She’s glad that you’re happy, but her opinion as it relates to HER children, still counts!! They are still her babies, and if you got married ten times, that wouldn’t change – remember that!
As I listen to, speak with and lend advice to other blended family members, if they only retain one thing that I say it would be this: “If one looks deep enough into their problem, he will recognize himself as both part of the problem and part of the solution.” If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that the blame of blended family issues can not be placed solely on one person within the blended family. We ALL add to the breakdown in communication and in many cases, the demise of our blended families. The problem is that we want one person to take responsibility for it. But, we all have to hold ourselves accountable and be responsible for the mistakes that we make within this family structure. If we all focus on ourselves (I know, it sounds selfish) instead of each other, then our hearts and minds will be more free to focus on our children.
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Perfect….this blog is so relate-able (Is that a word?!?!). I have felt some of the ways you blogged about and said some of the comments myself.
It is good to know I am not alone in my feelings in this mess.
Thank you so much! It is so good to hear that these posts help others in some way. This is the primary reason I began writing in the first place.
I almost spoke my mind again, and then I remembered you premised your post by writing “I think it’s necessary to examine potential reasons why this happens.” POTENTIAL being the key operative:)
Just kidding. Great post.
Would you expand on the “loyalty” issue though? I think in this case it is a construct that needs further defining. Many times the “loyalty” factor appears to be the cause of a great deal of chaos. It seems to be a hard concept to understand and many times is a very close relative to control. Almost like it is a “control issue” for the “ex-wife” and a “loyalty issue” for the “second wife” and either could be interchangeable… both eventually ending up with DAD.
If you ask me DAD has the ultimate control… He just kicks backs and watches the puppets dance… playing on the emotions and heart strings of the women who care for his children. Facts and Logic? please… if it were about facts and logic there were be no issues. Fathers carry just as much emotional baggage as mothers, the only difference is women talk about it and men stew in it waiting for the best way to stick it to the woman that he perceives to have hurt him… unfortunately the best way to hurt a woman is playing on the emotions and heart strings attached to the children… what most men don’t realize is that by playing on those emotions and heart strings they are greatly hurting their children and cheating them out of a strong and loving mother. But then again, I guess keeping mom weak and insecure is all about HIM… but what does he care, in his eyes step-mom should be “mom” and what better way to build one side up than to tear the other down…
Wow, I guess I do have some bagagge too:)
Amy
One FACT holds true that you just have to remember Amy is that it doesn’t matter what he sees in his eyes about the step-mom, the fact will always remain that YOU ARE THE MOM and you should always try to stand strong and never let anyone make you feel insecure as a mother regardless of the situation. As Blendingin said, the ex-wife should be respected and there should be civility but you can’t expect his loyalty to be with you that is not interchangeable. That is rightfully for his current wife as it should have been when you were married to him. But, you should expect his respect and if he isn’t giving that to you, then you have to just be the bigger person by moving on and doing what you have to do regardless for your child, regardless.
I know that this is a bit off the subject, but this is JMO on a portion of your post. I am in a different situation because I am allowed in the family court–thankfully. I am glad that the judge has deemed me important enough to be able to sit in on the proceedings. Truthfully it is hard for me to see why all stepparents would not be allowed to do so. I can understand perhaps not being allowed to speak–but simply being present? Furthermore, I am currently helping raising my stepsons. If my husband was attending any other kind of court date, I’d be there to support him, and this is really no different. It was the judge who okayed me to escort the boys back and forth to see their mom. My objective is not to step on toes, or meddle in affairs that don’t concern me, but more so to be there for the children as much as I reasonably can. If both parents make a choice not to communicate, then either party should be accepting of another party intervening.
Amy, you’re right, the loyalty issue is often a control issue for the ex-wife and a loyalty issue for the second wife is actually a loyalty issue. Once again, as indicated in the post, I think we have to shift our focus from what the other party perceives to what our own issues are. Don’t worry about someone else’s emotional baggage. You just make sure that you’re responsible for your own. As I stated in a prior comment, if we check ourselves, thereby changing our behavior, you might be surprised at the subsequent response that you receive from the person you’re in conflict with.
Ex-wives must remember that their ex-husbands (operative word being ex) no longer have an obligation to be loyal to you. His only obligation is to treat his former wife with civility and respect as well as remain an active parent in his child’s life. And, that’s all you should want as the mother of his children. His loyalty should always be with the woman that he is married to! She is no less deserving of this because she married him second or because you are the mother of his children.
I also think that we should remove our defenses as this is another form of emotional baggage that makes us form certain opinions that aren’t based on fact [in his eyes the step-mom should be mom]. Let’s be honest, you know that all of you guys are thinking that it would be better if the other would just disappear. Meaning, they think their lives would be better if you’d disappear and you feel the same about them, or at least about her. It’s a natural fantasy when you’re in constant conflict with someone. However, it doesn’t mean that all of their choices or decisions that you make regarding your child, are solely driven on this premise.
I don’t agree that DAD has the ultimate control. He can only play you like a puppet if you allow him to. Just like an ex can only wreak havoc on a marriage if you allow him or her to. The ultimate control lies with you. You can choose to feed into their insecurities or your own, for that matter; or you can choose to check your emotional baggage before getting on the plane, so that you can do what’s in the best interest of your son.
Loyalty is really a simple issue as it relates to the blended family. It is us that make it more complex than it really is. However, even though it is simple to understand, it isn’t insignificant. It is important to his second wife because she needs to feel secure in her marriage. It is important or should be important to his ex-wife because she needs to know that he will always be there for their children. Loyalty is not about making you feel like you’ll always be mom. You should know that already. If you feel your motherhood is threatened, that is your issue. It is not a loyalty issue.
Great post! I must admit that I took quite the opposite approach to my own situation. I let my stepdaughter lead the way of my relationship with her. I am a stepchild and I didn’t want her to resent me the way I did my step-mom.
My husband and I agreed that we would each deal with our own ex. There is no reason that either of us should be dealing with each other’s ex’s. Although, after almost 7 years together, I would like there to be some type of decent relationship between my husband’s ex and me. I don’t want to be her friend, nor make any decisions “with” her, but I would like to be able to contact her regarding little things that have already been decided.
Being on both sides of the fence here, I am not competitive, nor am I the enemy. I want the happiness of the kids to be in the forefront of everyone’s mind. It’s not about the parents…it’s about the kids. I think sometimes that’s what’s forgotten in the grand scheme.
Morocco, I agree that your case is COMPLETELY different! In your case, the mother is absent (being in jail is absent, to me) from her children’s lives. Therefore, you have had to step up and be mom. Of course, you should and need to be present in the court room. But, this is not the case with everyone. In my case, for example, as indicated in the post, I should not have been discussing issues such as child support with his new wife. That is completely inappropriate, especially when he was capable of speaking for himself. Once again, the step-parents should be there to support their spouses, but not to interfere to the extent that it prevents the biological parents from communicating. A child deserves parents who can communicate in a civil manner. They deserve parents who get along. The biological parents can’t fully workout their communication issues, if their spouses are always communicating for them. Support your spouse, but don’t take over. This DOES NOT benefit the child. Once again, though, your case is different.
Blendingin, I agree. I think sometimes resentment can build on both sides, the mom resenting the stepmom for “meddling” and the stepmom resenting the mom for not wanting to communicate with her. And sometimes the husband can resent the exwife for causing problems and/or resent the new wife for not allowing him to have the ultimate say.
I am in a difficult situation because I know that deep down Eliza probably resents how much I am involved in my stepsons lives. She actually stopped allowing him visitations when we started DATING, so I know that she is not happy with the role I have. So sometimes this makes me a bit sensitive.
I have always pretty much stayed out of certain issues–such as child support because that is something that really doesn’t pertain to me. It does have a direct bearing on our finances, but I just accept that as a part of the deal. I firmly believe that fathers or mothers should pay child support for common sense reasons.
Honestly I have stopped trying to influence my husband when it comes to her because it is futile. She is his exwife and he knows her better than I do, so I just have to trust that he will make the best decision for the kids. He was able to communicate (although it was vry minimum) with her before me so I don’t feel the need to rescue him now. She knows that this is the stance I have as far as their relationship goes, but she does not want me to support him. It sounds weird, but early on Eliza used to tell me bad stuff about him, I’m assuming so that I would take her side.
Your post points out a key concept, communication. This is a basic skill that we all should have in our arsenal no matter who we are dealing with.
I like being the support and not the ruling factor. I have tried to be her support in her present situation, but she really hasn’t embraced that offer.
Morocco, I commend you for being a great step-mom. Right now Eliza may not appreciate you in her private thoughts she does if she really loves her children because no true mother wants her child to be without her and for obvious reasons she can’t but her pride stands in the way of telling you. You are a great person for all that you do for your step-sons!
I do agree as far as the loyalty, but I am glad you added to the children as well. It is important that when father remarries that as much as his committment and “loyalty” (I really hate that word) is to his new wife, BUT it should NEVER leave his children and if new wife makes a decision that is not in the childen’s best interest then father should be able to say
“no”.
Loyal to a fault. I have seen many people that are loyal to the point of it being very emeshed and almost sick relationship due to loyalty. I think it breeds the “them vs us” mentality.
Amy
Blendingin,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your post “the loyalty issue is often a control issue…”
EVERYTHING we have struggled with on our end is in complete relation to that post.
I really don’t know what else to say about it other than it was a truly wonderful representation of where a husband’s loyalty should lie- with the children and his wife. Just as my loyalty lies with the children and my husband.
I also want to say, just so that it is absolutely clear, I do not sit around here making decisions and battling them out with Amy while my husband sits back and enjoys the ride. It seems that people are getting that impression. When it comes to his son, my husband makes his own decisions. He of course runs everything by me so that I am in the know, and if it is regarding something that will directly affect me and/or the child he and I have together I do have my input and we discuss what is best for us all around and we go from there. All in all, when it comes right down to it, he has the final say and I support him 110% because I am his wife and I’ve got his back.
As far as a response in relation to Amy’s comment. Well, I just have a really hard time reading them anymore. She seems to be under the impression that my husband has nothing better to do with his time than to devise ways to ‘get back at her.’ And what really disgusts me is that she thinks so little of my husband that she honestly believes that he would use their son as a means of doing so. Amy, get your head out of your ass because it has NOTHING to do with you. My husband and I do not sit down with our morning coffee to ponder what we can do to hurt and upset you today nor do we say anything negative about you in your son’s presence. The only person cheating your son out of a strong and loving mother is you, because you waste so much time and energy playing victim to a scenario that doesn’t even exist. You’re right, you do have issues.
I’m sorry if this all sounds so harsh and very not in the spirit of working together and listening and communicating but quite honestly I’m sick of getting on here and reading a bunch of lies and “oh woe is me.” Forgive me for not wanting to facilitate it.
Family Blend~
Thank you for your kind words. I totally understand her feelings–which is why I have tried to reach out to her despite our past. Sometimes I try to imagine being in her shoes and I have a difficult time just going there. I know I would have a horrible time being away from my son for such an extended amount of time.
Also, in case anyone is wondering, these are the things that Amy greatly disapproves of that she wishes we would concede to “out of respect for her.”
1. She has expressed much anger over the fact that my husband refers to me as ‘mom’ in her son’s presence (he refers to Amy as “your mom”). Her son asked him one day why he calls me mom and he replied “So that your little brother will know to call Danielle mom.” He then went on to explain to his son that he is welcome to call me whatever he wants when he is at our house (Danielle or mom) because we believe that is his decision to make.
2. She has also expressed much anger over the fact that my husband and I agreed that it would be a good thing for me to attend school meetings. We felt that it would be helpful for me to be familiar with his school setting, his teacher, and the scope of his education so that I can play a part in helping him grow and learn and so that he knows that I am interested and want to be involved with that part of his life.
3. Not too long ago there was an article in the paper about my husband and Amy was rather upset that he did not mention her name in recognition of being his son’s mother. The particular line went like this: ‘P’ has a son that will be starting school in the fall. ‘P’ also has another son with his wife, Danielle, that is 6 months old. She thought it was his intent to make it look like I was her son’s mother. I guess she would rather had it go like this: ‘P’ has a son with his ex-wife Amy that is going to school in the fall and another son with his current wife, Danielle, that is 6 months old.
As you can see, the 3 biggest things she wishes we would concede on have little or nothing to do with the well being of her son or out of what is in his best interests. They are things that are centralized around her ego and insecurities. She keeps repeating to us that we need to ‘give credit where credit is due.’ Well, her son is an amazing kid but you know what they say about how it takes a village… We are not trying to ‘come in between her and her son’ as she has stated to us, we are trying to build OUR family and do what we think is right. Again forgive us, but her selfish wants and needs are at the bottom of our list.
Two more things worth noting.
1. Amy has primary custody, therefore she has the final say in all decisions regarding her son that are not exclusive to what goes on inside my husband’s and my house, with the exception of the fact that she decides child care when neither parent is available (she had it written as such in the custody agreement).
2. Amy and my husband communicate with each other more than Amy and I communicate (I think we have sent back and forth 5 or so emails over the course of this past year and a half). She asks for his input, he gives it, 90% of the time she shoots him down, and the decision is made…by Amy.
I felt the need to add more clarification to the workings of the situation.
Morocco, you’re absolutely right, resentment can and often does seem to set in on both sides. I also like the fact that you mentioned that you trust your husband enough to make the best decisions for his children, therefore you are there to support him, but not to take over.
As far as Eliza is concerned, it certainly doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that she is just hurting and jealous of the position that you have in her sons’ lives. She also likely feels guilty because she is unable to be there for them. It appears that you are totally mindful of this, especially since you have tried to reach out to her. I completely admire you for dealing with your situation, but still not losing that compassion for another human being; no matter how hurtful she has been to you. You are definitely a BFSO oscar winner!
Danielle,
Thanks for your input. I can tell that you needed to get that off of your chest, and I ALWAYS appreciate honesty. Furthermore, I believe it’s essential that you be tactfully honest with the person you’re in conflict with (in your case, Amy) in order to work towards a resolution.
I understand and can relate to your position as a second wife and step-mom. Although it is difficult to deal with, at times, try to remember who has control of YOUR family. It isn’t Amy. You and your husband appear to have a marriage that is based on communication and respect, so although Amy may be a bit annoying; it hasn’t seemed to threaten or control your marriage. I have talked with sooo many remarried couples where this is the prominent issue. The second wife doesn’t trust her new husband because she feels that he allows his ex-wife to constantly interfere in their marriage. I may be wrong, but this is the conclusion that I’ve derived based on your comments. It is so fortunate when these issues don’t put a strain on your marriage.
Secondly, I will ask you to re-read the paragraphs on the mama bear syndrome and emotional baggage. Sometimes it’s helpful to understand why people have certain emotional responses to certain situations. When we don’t understand the actions of other people, often times we react inappropriately. When we do understand it allows us to stop being defensive, let go of the anger and not take it personally. It is then that we see that the other person’s response to the situation really isn’t about us; it’s more so about them. It is at that point that that person’s actions don’t matter at all. Then you can begin to do what is necessary (despite that person’s negative response) to start the healing process for your blended family.
That is all I will say for now because I don’t want to draw too many conclusions without having the full story, and I don’t want this blog to make anyone feel unsafe to share their side of the story. I’m all about solutions, not just bickering. Now, I do believe that we have to move through the bickering in order to get to a solution. So, if the both of you are truly interested in a solution, then let’s keep talking. I really think you are or you wouldn’t be here. Just remember to be HONEST with yourselves about your own feelings and insecurities and to COMMUNICATE respectfully. If you abide by those principles, then you will often have a more favorable outcome. If you are always honest with yourself, many times you won’t even bother voicing your insecurities. Do you guys see how that works?
Thanks again, Danielle! I appreciate all of your comments.
Blendingin~
Thanks for the oscar, LOL!
I do want to remind everyone. Sometimes I am not writing about my particular situation. I am writing my feelings and thoughts. Sometimes it is based on my life, sometimes others lives I have worked with, sometimes just plain playing devil’s advocate. Danielle, what you read here had little to do with you and your husband. When I am refering to my own situation I usually premise it with… “in my case”, and even then, I have a life outside of you and your husband, so it is not always refering to you and your husband, but toALL of my experiences.
Anyway, I am glad you were able to vent, but please remember that just because your husband treats you with respect and loves you does not mean that he treated me in the same way. There is a history and there is a reason why I feel the way I do.
I don’t think that your husband sits back to devise ways to hurt me. He knows what buttons to push and when to push them. There is not much thought in it anymore.
I am a strong and loving mother. I have been from day one. If your husband had that kind of control over me to make me weak and insecure, we would still be married.
Yes, there are times when I have a weak moment and he can get to me, I am human, but I don’t have to live with it everyday anymore.
I come to these posts because I believe in the purpose. I enjoy reading your vents and thoughts, as I do everyone elses, we all have a voice and I am glad there is a place to have one.
Amy
Amy and Danielle,
Believe it or not, reading your posts will one day help two other women in your same situation find their way into a more communicative relationship and help them to work toward building bridges together. It may not seem like it now, but it will. I think the mere fact that you are here and listening to one another is a feat in itself and you like Blendingin said, this is the start of the healing process.
Amy, please try to keep in mind that the man and husband your ex-husband was to you when you were married to him is very obviously not the man/husband he is now to Danielle. People change. You need to try to let go of that defense and move past it to allow the blended family process to begin to flourish, which in turn, will promote more healing between you and Danielle’s attitudes toward one another.
Danielle, I agree with you that you should be able to attend your step-son’s school conferences, etc. I think it’s important that your step-son know that you care about him not just when he is with you and your husband at your home and during visitation time, but ALL the time. In my own experience, Motherof3girls and my husband (her ex) promote that idea as well. All four of us (parents and step-parents) attend everything that involves my step-daughter’s schooling whether it be a parent/teacher conference, a chorus play or her soccer games. It is very important to Sasha to have all four of us there.
Amy, as a step-mom, I can tell you that it means a lot to me personally to be involved and informed about my step-daughter’s progress in school, etc. I would be offended if Motherof3girls didn’t allow me to be present. I feel that my and her step-father’s presence shows my step-daughter that we are on the same plane as her parents and that we all four care about her well-being. I am also a mother and an ex-wife and I wish that my ex-husband’s new wife cared enough about my older boys to be involved the way Danielle is involved. That wasn’t the case and it was disheartening.
Danielle, in reading your post, I think that the issues that Amy says she has and the fact that you are posting here show that you want to try to work on the issues. The issues you brought up that Amy wants you to concede on seem like small things that can be worked through. It comes down to this — are we a motivator or a demotivator to the blended family environment. I feel that both you and Amy are on the right path. I just encourage the both of you to keep on talking. It really will open up doors for the both of you to communicate more effectively and efficiently and the person who will gain the most out of this will be your son/step-son.
I agree with FamilyBlend, the issues that Danielle mentioned seem like small things that can be worked through. Having said that, I don’t believe that they are issues that Danielle, her husband and Amy have to work through together. We just have to work out some issues all on our own. And, if what Danielle said in regards to Amy’s issues is indeed true, these are issues that Amy must work on. This is the emotional baggage that weighs down the plane. Sometimes no one else can handle your baggage but you. Furthermore, they should not be expected to. Danielle and her husband’s only obligation is to each other and then their child. It is not to Amy. They don’t have to continually put in effort to make sure that Amy feels better. This is Amy’s job! Deep down Amy knows that it is in the best interest of her child to have all the parents who are involved in her son’s life to be present at school conferences and other important events. She knows that she doesn’t need to be acknowledged in an article that’s about her husband. And, she knows that if she is doing her job as a parent, that she will never be replaced as his mother. These are simple things that ex-wives don’t need to be reminded of, and if they do, it’s not their ex-husband’s and his new wife’s job to do so.
As I stated in some of my posts, it is natural to experience some of the feelings that Amy is feeling or may have felt at one time – I have had similar feelings as an ex. But, I NEVER made it my ex’s and his new wife’s problem. Once again, I had sense enough to CHECK MY BAGGAGE before getting on the plane, as well as sense enough to CHECK MYSELF before letting frivolous concerns come out of my mouth.
Lastly, I think many of Amy and Danielle’s issues can be worked on together, if they work on themselves individually, first!
Hi Ladies~
I have learned much from reading both you and Danielle’s postings. Please do not take this the wrong way when I say this, but you have to let go of the past. You have mentioned several times that you had a bad past with your husband. And I am not taking away from that experience that you had with him–but, you have to let it go. The past is just that. As much as he might have hurt you, you just have to let it go (I know it is easier said than done, but it must be done). You are not with him anymore so you don’t have to focus on that time with him any longer.
Concentrate on continuing to be a great mother to your son. It is draining to ponder over things you can’t change or things that have already occurred. Make a new future for yourself and let history have its place.
Danielle, I agree with Blendin. It always help to try to observe things from the other side even if you feel that they have no point. Try not to take her feelings to heart. She has already admitted that she has issues, which was a big step in my eyes (don’t we all have them?!). I come to find that nobody wins in the blame game. I know in my personal situation that we all have probably done something to foster the current relationship that we have. I urge you all to take this opportunity to come together for an important cause–the wellbeing on your son/stepson.
Also, don’t feel the need to defend your husband. Eliza would often say things about my husband that made me so mad because I knew that they were not true. I finally put a halt to her commentary when I acknowledged that I was not a part of their marriage and did not have the inside scoop on the way things really were. I explained that it was an experience that only she and him could comment on. I also let her know that the husband she married was not the one I was currently married to. Oddly enough, she seemed to accept this. I had to do this because I realized that me alone defending him would not change her negative opinion of him. She has to change that perspective on her own terms. I know that she will probably always think of him negatively as long as she is holding on to baggage–her problem, not mine.
I wish I was able to communicate this candidly with Eliza. Please ladies don’t let pride get in the way of establishing a civil relationship.
Respectfully,
Morocco
Amy, I agree that in your recent posts you didn’t say “in my case” but I read the emails you send to my husband and what you are writing on here sounds very much like the things you have expressed to him. Forgive me for making that correlation but you HAVE accused him of trying to make you weak and insecure, you HAVE accused him of trying to tear you down, and you HAVE accused him of using your son as a means of trying to ‘stick it to you’. Just because you choose your words carefully when posting on here so as not to reveal that this is how you feel in your situation doesn’t make it any less true.
Blendingin, thank you for your response. I am not about bickering either. I posted what I posted because everything said about our situation up until that point had been so vague (not to mention for the most part false). I appreciate everyone’s perspectives and suggestions and I think that for us to take full advantage of other viewpoints, specific issues need to be laid out on the table.
Familyblend, thank you for your perspective. I feel a little better knowing that not everyone thinks it is such a horrible thing for me to want to be involved. I love my step-son like he is my own. I am not trying to take anyone else’s place, I am just trying to step up and be an active part of his life. In my opinion, there is no such thing as too much love and support- especially from a parental figure.
Thanks for listening and taking the time to respond:)
~Danielle
Danielle,
I completely agree that you should be apart of your stepson’s life in every way possible. We (my husband’s ex wife, my husband and I) are in constant battle over this issue. She, for some reason, doesn’t feel like I should be apart of his life either, and it only hurts my stepson. All he knows is that I am never present for the important moments in his life, but of course she doesn’t explain why. She has often said that she feels like she will be replaced if I’m allowed to get too involved. So for that reason, she makes it her life to keep me at bay. I can tell you from experience that IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. I consider this form of PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome- which Diane and I will talk about in our next post) a form of abuse. No child should be alienated from his parents (biological or step) just because the person alienating the child has issues.
What I will say to you Danielle is this: the bickering can only continue if more than one party is engaging in the battle. There are some things that you just don’t have to fight about or explain. It doesn’t matter what the other person thinks or how the other person feels. You know in your heart that you want what’s best for your stepson, so continue to base your actions on that alone. If you want to go to school conferences, then go and you need not offer any explanations unless there is a court order ordering you to do so. Only bicker when you have to, not just because. Do you understand where I’m coming from? If Amy was upset because your husband didn’t mention her in the article – SO WHAT! You don’t have to fight about it or explain. Just let Amy be upset and don’t take it personally. If Amy is/was upset because your husband references you as mom to your stepson – SO WHAT! Amy can’t tell you what to do or say in your house, especially if those actions aren’t negatively affecting her son.
So Danielle, say it with me…SO WHAT! Don’t let Amy’s actions due to her perceived issues affect you, especially when they don’t affect you!
My point is, both Amy and Danielle need to learn to let go and move on. Amy needs to get a hold of that emotional baggage, and Danielle needs to learn to not let it affect her. Every action does not necessarily warrant a reaction. Sometimes it’s just best to do or say nothing, especially when we realize that the other party is clearly dealing with issues of his or her own.
Danielle said something that is so powerful:
“there is no such thing as too much love and support- especially from a parental figure!”
This is the motto of our blended family and if everyone will focus on this one powerful thing….it will solve a lot of problems for blended families.
Diane
Amen, Diane! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT, ESPECIALLY FROM A PARENTAL FIGURE. The BFSO belief is that all children deserve to love and be loved by both biological and step-parents.
I don’t know what to say. There is always another side. I can say to everyone that the worst thing we can do is to listen to only the view points that validate our own pre-existing view points. All this does is create an imbalance and promote the distruction of the blended family.
Be careful in stroking an over inflated ego as it can only create more chaos. School is a VERY private issue and one our son’s father and I agreed to discuss. I do not mind if step-parents want to be involved, but when it is done with a total disregard for me as a parent, I have a problem with it. I hope for you, Danielle, that you never have to be the “ex-wife”, hopefully if you are ever in the position you will have a step-mother who is kind and considerate of your feelings, one who can promote rather than tear down, one who can look at you objectively and not based on her husband’s POV. I wish for you all the things that I have never had from you. It is not about you taking over, our son knows who is mother is.
Thank you for listing your POVs, but remember they are YOURS. I have tried to tell you mine, but you do not care and have just dismissed them as false. I welcomed you to the family when I first met you, I did not judge you at that time, but I am judging you now. Don’t tell me to get my head out of my ass and then say you love my son as your own. What a crock. We all have issues, I have always acknowledged mine and I deal with them, maybe it is time to take a look at your own.
Amy
Amy,
Don’t shut down on us.
I think you are taking our comments too personally when actually we are only telling you what we think can help both you and Danielle.
A point of view or POV as you put it is just that….”A Point of View.” But, that’s not to say that the ideas and comments posted here aren’t designed to help you or to maybe inspire both you and Danielle to have more open dialogue. It has been long said that it is always easier too see things from “the outside looking in” because when you are the one involved in a situation, things can get foggy because of all of the emotional issues involved. So, to clarify, if I tell you WHY my point of view relative to step-parents being able to be a part of their step-child’s education is so important to me, you might be able to understand Danielle’s point of view a litte better but it is certainly not put there to judge you. Do you see where I am coming from. Our comments are not to judge you at ALL but designed to give you a different perspective so that you might be able to see things differently in order to appreciate it them.
Again, communication is the key. You headed in the right direction….just keep on talking.
Diane
I do also agree with what Danielle said as well: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT, ESPECIALLY FROM A PARENTAL FIGURE.
Children do have a right to be loved by BOTH biological and step-parents.
Form what I read on these sites, “Love” has not been the issue.
Amy
Diane, I do understand, I was responding to how Danielle seemed to take your comment. I agree with parents all being involved, but if it is not a UNITED front, then it should just be mom and dad. Otherwise, it can really hurt the children. We live in a small town. Stereoptypes run haywire, and when a blended family does is not UNITED they are stereoptyped as “broken” and the children suffer. And I am NOT fake, and tend to wear my hear ton my sleeve, so I can NOT merely ACT UNITED. Our son was hurt by their carelessness and they didn’t even realize it. He doesn’t understand why we can not attend events together. Neither do I.
I am glad that she has a support in her husband, I attend these events on my own. I may be strong, but I am not invincable. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why it is not simple. If we can’t be UNITED then it needs to be just mom and dad. Otherwise you are overstepping your bounds and it DOES hurt, not only me, but our son.
This was our son’s first year in Kindergarten. Yes, it is “MY” issue I get it, but why rub salt in the wounds? I am human and deserved to be treated as such. Go ahead and say it is all about “me” and not the children. When are you going to get that if a parent is hurt and not a 100% it DOES effect the children. Stop telling me to move on. Stop telling me what I say is false. and START being a POSITIVE CO-PARENT!
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
Amy
Love usually is not the issue Amy. What we are trying to accomplish on this site is the creation of happy blended families. In order to have a happy blended family though, as Blendingin said in her previous post, ALL PARTIES have to check their emotional baggage in before getting on the plane or else it’s not going to happen! So, what I am seeing a lot of from you is emotional baggage. From what I can see, you still have emotional issues about your ex-husband that you haven’t come to grips with yet. You have to work on these issues yourself FIRST so that you can put the past behind you in order to work toward your future as a happy blended family. In my opinion, I feel like you are experiencing what Blendingin calls the “Mama Bear Syndrome.” Read this paragraph of her post on this below:
________________________________________________________
“There has been tons of research on the topic of how women and men communicate differently. Women tend to lead with their emotions, and men would rather lead with facts and logic (so they say). When it comes to women and their children, they are born with a protective instinct that can be compared to a mama bear and her cubs. Often times this instinct is based on an emotional response to the situation instead of being based fact and logic. As such, when the second wife enters the picture, many ex-wives react to their inability to control the situation, and when one loses control, fear sets in. When fear sets in, anything having to do with logic and fact goes out the window. All that woman is concerned about is protecting her children from someone that she doesn’t know. And, don’t expect her to trust her ex-husband’s judgment because in her eyes, he doesn’t use good judgment. This is called the mama bear syndrome.”
_______________________________________________________
With the last two sentences being the most relevant to what I am trying to say to you. You are not trusting your ex-husband and Danielle because of what your perception of your ex-husband used to be, not for who he is now. People change, people grow and they learn from their mistakes.
I am saying this to you because I have experienced the same situation you have. I have had Mama Bear Syndrome myself and when you read the next article that will be posted from myself and Blendingin, you will see why some of my personal experiences led me to change.
Diane
This is probably one of the most powerful and insightful comment forums that I’ve read on blended families. I pray that it will be a healing tool to bring about change and peace for everyone involved.
Thank you Stacy. Your words are a blessing and we hope to continue this for a long time.
Diane
Amy, just because I don’t give you the amount of ‘respect’ you feel that you deserve doesn’t mean that I am incapable of loving your son like I love my own. There are many people in my life that I love but I don’t much care for the other members of their families (including their parents). That is one of my favorite things about love, I get to decide who I give it to. I give it based on the person- not where they came from. As far as you judging me in the beginning, you did judge me from day 1- you judged me based on a bunch of hearsay. You say you welcomed me, but you welcomed me so long as I played by your rules. You say you’re judging me now, well I have 2 words- SO WHAT. The only people whose views of me really matter are my husband, my son, and my step-son. As far as having issues goes sure, I have some issues- everyone does- but I don’t let them control me or my life or the lives of the people surrounding me. I didn’t bring any baggage on board because I like to pack light- it makes things far less complicated.
You’re absolutely right, Blendingin, I do just need to let go and move on. I need to not let Amy get to me because she has no control over me. I need to continue living my life for what I think is best for my family and to hell with anyone who wants to tell me I am wrong. Thank you for the support, it is nice to know that I am not alone. After this comment posts I am through with defending my husband and myself. I will wash my hands clean of trying to make sense out of something that I can’t understand- no matter how hard I try. I will, however, continue to post occasionally because I have found a wonderful bunch of women that I seem to have a lot in common with. It has been a wonderful help to me to talk to those who have been there before.
Thank you all so much:)
Danielle, I respect your complete honesty. Amy, I respect your honesty as well.
I hope that the both of you will continue to allow us to help build a bridge for the both of you and one day the both of you may decide that it’s time to cross that bridge. It doesn’t have to be together as friends or anything of the such but as co-parents in a blended family that works. I believe it can happen because you both are willing right now to have dialogue. You know it really helps to vent and to put all of your cards on the table. With understanding, eventually comes respect. It takes a while, but I believe the two of you are on the right path.
Our next article is going to be a good read and probably doesn’t apply to the two of you directly but has a lot of good information so please stay posted and don’t forget that this forum is always open for the two of you to dialogue and communicate!
Diane
Danielle, I am so glad that you will continue to visit and gain insight from these posts. I’ve learned that it does help to not feel alone when dealing with blended family issues. Once again, it’s the reason we decided to create BFSO and we are so glad that it is helping in some way. So, please come back to visit us. By the way, didn’t that “SO WHAT” feel good? It’s all about empowerment. I want you to realize that you have more control and power than you think. We all have control over our own choices, actions, and lives in general. Choose to use that power in a positive way and you’ll be amazed at the outcome.
Amy, I hope that you gain a sense of empowerment as well. I truly understand how you feel, but you must learn to not let your emotions control your decisions. You must also learn who is responsible for ridding yourself of your pain. It is not your ex-husband or his new wife. You have the power to do this all by your lonesome. Please, take some time to think honestly think about not only how you feel, but your subsequent actions as a result of how you feel. I understand that if a mother is not 100% it affects her child. But, you must learn that IT IS NOT DANIELLE’S OR HER HUSBAND’S JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU’RE 100% That’s your job! Your ex-husband’s only obligation now is to his son. I really hope that you understand where I am coming from and don’t take offense to what I am saying. I am truly here to support both you and Danielle, and I hope that all of you can work this out for your son.
I definately don’t take offense to what is said.
I had a HUGE sigh of relief when Danielle wrote that she will no longer be defending her husband. I realized that my feelings and baggage around that were checked before I get on the plane, but when she was defending him, I felt like I needed to jump off the plane and get my baggage. Believe me, I would much rather pack light as well.
I think for me that is really where I would get frustrated. It is not and never has been Danielle personally that I have a problem with, it was her defending her husband. I know the loyalty thing and what not, but I noticed that when I became upset it was usually because she was trying to defend him. I know it was and is hard for her to see him upset, but they should have delt with that instead of her defending him. I should not feel I have to re-open my baggage every time she defends him and in time I won’t do it, but it was fresh and new and will be for a while, it has only been just over a year since all of this has taken place.
Anyway, I guess it would just be nice if we could all check the baggage, and yes, that also means not defending her husband, as believe it or not, that IS baggage too. It is emotionally charged and when we are defending we are not truly open to positive change.
Also, I do know that love is separate from feelings. I love my son completely even though I do not respect his father’s decisions at times. But even though I do not respect the way he treats me or the decisions he has made and makes regarding our relationship as “co-parents” and our son, I respect that he has the right to do so and will ALWAYS promote him as our son’s father and have not and will not allow my feelings about him to change that.
I used to hate when my mom would tell me “I like “your friend”, but I don’t like the things he does”… it never made sense to me. I have always tried to accept people, flaws and all. I try to believe that people are ALL basically good and deserving of love, and no matter what I CHOOSE to let people be who they are. If I don’t agree with it… SO WHAT:)
Danielle, Thank you. Thank you for caring for our son when he is with you. thank you for loving him. Thank you for reading the words I have written (even if you don’t agree), and thank you for loving our son’s father enough to defend him, You are welcome to be involved in our son’s life and activities and if I have never formally said so I am sorry, and I am doing so now.
It is not about understanding. It is about caring enough to listen. Thank you.
I can let the past be the past and accept things as they are RIGHT NOW. Not last minute, not last week or last month or last year. RIGHT NOW.
You said you are going to stop defending yourself and your husband and I agree to stop defending myself as well.
I also will not be writing much more, but I will keep reading and commenting from time to time, as Danielle said, “I have found a wonderful bunch of women that I seem to have a lot in common with”.
Thank you for your honesty and your comments and responses.
Take care,
Amy
Amy, thank you for being completely honest and for being able to see that sometimes those words….I’m sorry and thank you…..are so so powerful. Having a listening ear is so important because most of the time in the midst of our emotions, we become deaf to what the other party is saying.
You are doing the right thing. And, please don’t stop communicating. This has been a great forum for you and Danielle and I am glad that the two of you are going to continue to comment.
God gave us an amazing gift as women, we can come together, find our similarities and make change happen within our lives. The BFSO congratulates you and Danielle for taking the right steps toward the happy blended family.
WOW!! I was literally almost brought to tears while reading your message, Amy. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! I know how hard that was, trust me, I know. From this point on, I hope that you both will continue to pack light! Sometimes a simple “I’m sorry” or “thank you” is all one needs to hear. Danielle, I hope you will be open, from this point on, to communicating with Amy. Your son/stepson needs and deserves parents who get along, so continue to put in 100% effort, for him.
This is what BFSO is all about – working with blended families to help them work through their issues in order to create a cohesive unit for themselves and their children. It is truly empowering when each person within the unit feels empowered instead of helpless. I hope that Danielle and Amy both feel empowered at this point. Amy, you can let go and be in control of your own happiness. Change is hard, but it’s inevitable. You have to embrace the change, and move forward so that you don’t stifle your son’s ability to do the same. Danielle, you can let go of that anger as well. You don’t have to fight all the time just because you feel as if someone is attacking you or your husband. I hope you realize from this point that often times it’s not about you at all. You have the power to not let someone else’s issues affect you. So both of you, say it with me…SO WHAT! Now didn’t that feel good???
I am proud of you both. Please come back to visit us, comment from time to time and let me know how you guys are doing. Not only will your experiences help someone else, but I want to continue to offer my support.
1,000 Blessings,
Kela
I am so in awe of Amy and Danielle. Both of you ladies should be commended for being so willing to open yourselves up to each other, work on things, grow and evolve.
Keep up the good work and I’ll be praying for you both.
AMEN and AMEN AGAIN!!!!
I’m almost scared to post this but I don’t agree with Danielle and her tactics AT ALL!!! It is all to familiar to me and I don’t like it one bit. I am so tired of the way that they make Amy feel and the games that they play “In the best interest” of the child involved.
I so wish that I wasn’t busy with work and I totally missed out on this one. Amy, I feel that I let you down and was not her to help you.
I must say that in the limited responses that I have heard Amy, is so eeriely mirrored to my own experience that it is scary and I feel so bad for Amy. Like her, I had no one who understood how I feel and I began to feel bad about myself because of the hateful words of others, who only said those things to me to make me feel bad about myself. I hoped that once T had her child she would loosen her grip on my son but that didn’t work and for some reason Danielle (In her own words) reminds me soooo much of T and I am very sad for Amy that you have to deal with that.
Danielle ~ you have your own child, how would you like it if someone did the same thing to you that you do to Amy??? That is her son, she can do and say what she wants – she is looking out for her son. Just as you would do for your own child. How about you take care of your own child and let Amy take care of her. BTW – do you confer with Amy about decisions for your child? Will Amy be allowed to attend your child’s school meetings too?? I asked T if she wanted me involved in her marriage and she said NO, then I told her to stay our of my relationship with my son’s father (her husband)!!!
From what I have been reading Danielle sounds alot like T. I don’t like T and I don’t want her around me, when she is around things just seem to go down hill. She says she wants what is in the “best interest of” K-boy but if she really wanted what was in the best interest of K-Boy then she would knock her s&@t off and leave it be. I see how she is with her son and she is sooooo protective of J-boy, and that is fine – that is allowed, but when I am protective of K-Boy then I am bad and I am insecure and all that other BS that I have to listen too. It is ridiculous and uncalled for. Danielle ~ if you really cared about your stepson you would lay off and wait for Amy to be comfortable with you being there. That is in the best interest of your stepson, to have a mother that isn’t being bothered by his stepmom. Just leave Amy alone ~ please!!!!
I don’t know if it is because I am PMSing but I was getting very upset when I was reading the comments.
Amy ~ email me…serendipitous223@yahoo.com
Serendipitous8, did you even read through all the comments before making your post?
Amy does say and do what she wants for her son. She is the final say in everything regards to her son as she has primary placement and that is just how it works.
As I had written earlier, I DO NOT CONFER WITH AMY ABOUT DECISIONS REGARDING HER SON, she talks to my husband, and yes, he talks to me, but ultimately they are the ones that hash it out. (again, like I said earlier, she and I have emailed a total of 5 or so times in the past year and a half and they had little or nothing to do with making decisions)
Would I confer with Amy about decisions with my child or allow her to come to school meetings about him? Absolutely not. Why? She isn’t of any remote relation to my son what-so-ever. She isn’t his step-mom. He isn’t a member of her household. She doesn’t have visitations with him. She isn’t anything to him, so even throwing that out there as a comparison to the situation is like comparing apples to zucchini.
Thanks for your opinion, but may I suggest that after you take a breather and settle down maybe you should read down through all these posts again, I think you’re missing my standpoint.
Amy- thank you for your apology and I apologize as well. I wish that you could understand that I am not trying to push you out and that I just want to be the best step-mom I can be to your son:)
Thank you for that email about the cookies at the airport, it was a very very good story and something that we all could learn from:)
Thank you for listening to me too, you’re right- it’s not always about understanding but the willingness to listen.
Take care
Serendipitous8,
I would have to agree with Danielle on this one. Danielle does not have to work with Amy in regards to her (Danielle’s) son because Amy does not take part in raising him. Danielle, however, does have a hand in raising Amy’s son.
If Danielle didn’t want anything to do with Amy’s son, everybody would be in an uproar right now. It’s unfair to put Danielle, a step-mom, in this position. You want her to be involved, but not too involved. You want her to love him like he’s her own, but not love him too much so that it gets in the way of your ego. It’s a no win situation. In my case, when I tried to take a backseat and just let my husband deal with his son, his ex-wife said I was being cold and insensitive and just didn’t care about K. But, when I tried to take a more active approach (simply showing up at certain activities, talking to my stepson more about his life, voicing my concerns about certain issues that he was having with their divorce), then I was trying to take over. All in all, Danielle just wants to be there for her step-son, and that’s NEVER A BAD THING! Even if she might (I’m not saying that she has) goes about it in the wrong way, her intentions are good. If an ex-wife is feeling that the step-mom is trying to take over, then respectfully communicate that to her. But, trying to cut her out or drastically limit her involvement in your child’s life is NEVER THE ANSWER. That, in and of itself, is a form of parental alienation. Remember, that child needs ALL OF YOU to thrive. I don’t care who biologically created the child. The fact of the matter is that he needs EVERYONE (including the step-parents) to be on the same page in order to adjust in a happy and healthy manner.
Serendipitious8 – Thank you for trying to support me and although some words are harsh, I know it was in the name of trying to make sure that all voices are heard. Every situation is different. I do feel sometimes that people are harsher to bio moms in some of the blogs, and even in the good posts there still seem sort of a jab at bio moms to just but out. Our son loves Danielle very much and for that I consider myself very lucky. I like to hope that we are all doing the very best we can and at some point we all have to accept that is as good as it gets.
I do also get what you mean about your comparison to her son and I don’t see it as apples and zuchinni , as really other than a piece of legal paper, there is no “real” difference in the relationships between myself and her son and her and my son. There are no blood ties between her and my son and no blood ties between her son and myself other than the blood ties that ind our sons together.
Although I would never even think of being invovled on a personal and school level with her son, I likely will cheer him on at events and take our son to see his events. The only difference is that I have no choice whether or not she is invovled with my son because she is married to his father, but she and her husband have every choice to make sure I have little or no involvement with their son.
It is really in how you look at it. Yes, it hurts when I can not enjoy my own son’s personal and school events as his only mother figure and it hurts that I have to share these very personal family events with another person who is not his blood relative, BUT I chose to get divorced and so lost the ultimate choice over who attends personal events for my child. Daniellle is not divorced and thus does not have to share any of her son’s events with anothe mother figure.. It sucks, YES, but I suppose that is my punishment for getting divorced, Not being able to be my son’s only mom.
It is not ideal, but it is real. I do believe that Danielle just wants to be a part of our son’s life. She isn’t “taking over”. yes there have been some trying times and some power struggles, but they really are just growing pains. I would rather share all of our son’s events than to hold bitterness and anger for no “real” reason.
Danielle, thank you. I don’t feel that you are pushing me out, I never have felt that way. I know you just want to be the best step-mom you can be and I have always appreciated that and thank you very much for doing so.
Amy
Please do not assume that I do not know what a stepmother does. In my case, I know for a fact that T is the head of the house, she is the final say in her house, she is the one that pays the bills, and she is the one that takes care of K-Boy most of the time when he is at their house. She has K-Boy majority of the time that he is at their house, she is the MOTHER figure when he is with them. I don’t have any issues with that. If A decides that he isn’t going to spend all his time with K-Boy and if he decides that he isn’t going to step forward and be the father when K-Boy is with them then so what – more power to them. I don’t have a say on how they run their house and different strokes for different folks. But do not think that I don’t know T contributions and what she does for K-Boy when he is with them.
At the same time, when there is a parent meeting for K-Boy, his biological parents are the ones that go to the meeting. My hubby does not go and guess what…he doesn’t cry about it; he does get out in front of everyone and pound on his chest asserting his position in K-Boy’s life. Actually he doesn’t say a thing about it; it doesn’t matter to him because he knows that even though he is not at the meeting showing A, that he is here, he knows that he is a huge influence in K-Boy’s life without being at that meeting. But for some reason, T’s (and some other people) take issues with not being at meetings.
The way I see it is that everyone involves knows that the other people are there, just because we don’t want to talk to them about stuff and do not what them somewhere, it doesn’t mean that we don’t know that they are there and what they are doing behind the scene. We do and we get it but when it comes to it being a huge issue when they are there then that is counter-productive. If T goes places she is constantly saying stuff that only makes the situation worse. When she is around, things have a way of going down hill. And I will not have that negative energy around me and I definitely will not have it around K-Boy!!! It would be nice if she could control her mouth and that she is present at parent meetings but she is very unpredictable and that is why I don’t want her at things with me.
Sport events, award ceremonies, first days of school and school programs are times when K-Boys family must be there – that includes T, A and all of K-Boy family. When K-Boy has a sporting event you should see the crowds that come out to watch him play – all parents should be there for those events – no question about that. And I am not talking about these things when say she should not be there for those, the things I don’t want T to be at are parent/teacher conferences and really that is it. I don’t have a problem sharing K-Boy’s accomplishments and skills with anyone, I don’t care that T is there at these things – I just don’t want her to start stuff with me at these event.
Like I have said before, I don’t have any issues with T being K-boys life – I have a problem with her being in my life with her behavior. She started things on the wrong foot and she keeps them going. I have HUGE issues with that.
Again don’t think that I don’t see that she is there and that I don’t acknowledge her involvement in K-Boy’s life but when it comes to meetings in close proximity of each other – she is not wanted.
This is how I feel regarding MY CASE – everyone is different and I am just seeing similarities in my situation and Amy/Danielle situation. I am almost 8 years into this and I have heard all the same things before from T, hopefully your ending will be better then mine. That is all I am saying.
You’re absolutely right, that is YOUR CASE, but I don’t see the resemblance in Amy and Danielle’s case. All I see are two women that are hurt for very different reasons and need to communicate that open and honestly in order to attempt to seek understanding. Danielle, in my opinion, isn’t try to do anything to Amy by just wanting to be present at such events (parent teacher conferences). However, Amy is trying to make her presence known by asserting that she should have mentioned in an article that pertained to her ex-husband, his new wife and their children.
As I stated in this very post that we are commenting about, sometimes step-moms perform or want to perform certain actions, with the intent of being the best step-mom that she can be. There is no malice in that! It might hurt the ex-wife for various reasons, but there is no intent to hurt the ex-wife. I didn’t detect anyone pounding their chest or anything in order to confirm or announce their presence. All I see are two women who want the same things for this little boy, but are having a tough time trying to figure out how to achieve these goals together.
By the way, I am almost 8 years into this as well, and I have received nothing but a negative response from my husband’s ex-wife. I have always tried to allow my step-son to navigate our relationship, and when his mother isn’t involved we have an EXCELLENT relationship. He trusts me with things that he doesn’t trust either of his biological parents with. Any parent, biological or not, who gets in the way of this type of relationship by way of parental alienation, is not operating in the best interest of their child.
Just to clarify blendingin. I never asserted that I should have been mentioned in the article Danielle referenced. It was not ME that needed recognition. I felt that if you are going to give credit, give it where it is due, not just to the programs THEY were involved in. There are a whole host of programs our son was involved in, BESIDES those metioned in article. Please don’t make assumptions based on an article you did not read and do not know the context of. Besides that; it was the article that made it sound as if Danielle was our son’s mom that I was hurt by. Her husband acknowledged (after I brought it to HIS attention) that it may have sounded that way. All I would have wanted would have been for him to have been man enough to say “Hey I just read the article in the paper, I know it sounded a little like Danielle was our son’s mom… THAT IS NOT HOW I INTENDED IT sometimes the media puts their own spin on things.”
Yes I know that it is NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY to say things like that, but how far it would have gone toward builfing a positive relationship, rather than just allowing it to happen and for me to DEAL WITH IT.
I did not intend on trying to “defend” myself on that, but I feel you completely took it out of context.
Anyway, just did not want to be misrepresented.
Amy
Once again, Amy, I base my assumptions off of what I am told – that is all I can do. I didn’t take anything out of context. I know that I have not read the article, but I do know what Danielle said, and this is the FIRST time that you have refuted her statement. Although it has been mentioned more than a few times in these comments. I don’t know what programs that you are referencing, but I do know the information I was given. And because you just admitted that you are aware of how the media puts their own spin on things, why was it so important for your ex to say anything to you? By your own implication, it was the media’s fault and not his, right? And, he is not stifling positive relationships when he doesn’t do such things. Once again, sometimes it is just YOUR issue and no one else’s. Who cares what the MEDIA said in the article? You know that you are your son’s mother, and if you are constantly threatened or hurt by trivial things (such as whatever was in the article – you said it made it SEEM like Danielle was your son’s mother, not that it was directly stated) then I must once again, candidly state, that it is YOUR issue, not something your ex-husband should’ve, could’ve or would’ve done. Pick your battles! There are some mothers out there who just wish that their child’s father wanted to be a part of his or her life. Don’t waste your time bickering over things that don’t affect YOUR CHILD one way or the other. As a matter of fact, if such a situation arises the next time, ask yourself this question; “How does this affect my child?” If it doesn’t, let it go. Whatever was mentioned in that article (I know I haven’t read it) did not affect your son. So, if you took time to bring it to HIS, HERS, OR THE WORLD’S ATTENTION, then you made it about YOU and not about him.