Why is it ALWAYS about the moms?
September 23, 2008 by Kela Price
Filed under Advisory Board, Daily Dose
I had a long conversation with a reader, Amy, a few weeks ago. Some of you might remember her as the outspoken ex-wife who wasn’t too happy about my Wives Wars article and didn’t hesitate to let me know. However, through our written dialogue, she raised a very good question – “Why does it seem like it [the blended family] is always about mom and step-mom raising the kids while dad just kicks back and watches?” Although I referenced a similar notion in that article [“If we can get the women to act like adults (usually men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there”]. I never deeply pondered Amy’s question until she brought it to my attention.
Because so much of the breakdown in communication occurs between the wives, I think it’s necessary to examine potential reasons why this happens.
There has been tons of research on the topic of how women and men communicate differently. Women tend to lead with their emotions, and men would rather lead with facts and logic (so they say). When it comes to women and their children, they are born with a protective instinct that can be compared to a mama bear and her cubs. Often times this instinct is based on an emotional response to the situation instead of being based fact and logic. As such, when the second wife enters the picture, many ex-wives react to their inability to control the situation, and when one loses control, fear sets in. When fear sets in, anything having to do with logic and fact goes out the window. All that woman is concerned about is protecting her children from someone that she doesn’t know. And, don’t expect her to trust her ex-husband’s judgment because in her eyes, he doesn’t use good judgment. This is called the mama bear syndrome.
I can relate to the mama bear syndrome as I experienced it myself when my ex suddenly remarried. Although my ex had only known his current wife for a very short time before they married, and my ex spent most of the year out the country; thereby he lacked the experience in raising our child. I still don’t know if my initial reaction [feeling a bit threatened by her presence] would’ve been any different. To me, his current wife symbolized the end of my son’s family. His parents would never be back together again, and consciously or unconsciously, that’s what every child wants at some point in their lives. Not to mention that now my ex would now be primarily taking advice from her, about MY child; a child that she didn’t even know. Although I wanted my life with my ex to change (that’s why we broke up in the first place), I didn’t want my son’s world, as he knew it, to drastically change. As a result, I will honestly admit that I didn’t give her much of a chance in the beginning. But, I had to take a step back, check myself and realize that (1) it wasn’t about me (2) this is the woman that he chose and the ring indicated that she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon (3) it doesn’t matter how sudden their marriage was, maybe she could be a positive integral part of our son’s life (4) I was pre-judging her, instead of getting to know her for myself.
The next reason that the wives seem to keep the war going is what I like to call emotional baggage. Usually this is something that many ex-wives have so much trouble letting go of. Emotional baggage consists of those irrational thoughts such as; she [second wife] is going to replace me; my children may like being with their father more than me; now my ex won’t listen to me anymore, etc. Notice all of those me statements? You can’t have all of those me statements, but still think that it’s about your children. Don’t weigh down our plane [blended family] with your emotional baggage. Check it before getting on the plane. And, this is not Southwest, Northwest or American Airlines, you check more than one bag. Now, just because you can’t bring your emotional baggage on the plane doesn’t mean that you can not or should not deal with that baggage. You can deal with it in your own way, but not in a way that affects everybody else on the plane.
Ex-wives aren’t totally responsible for the breakdown in communication between the ex and second wife. Second wives and divorced dads also add to the conflict. Step-moms have a tendency to over do it in the beginning. Yes, it is possible to over do it. We get caught up in being the best step-mom that we can be. We get caught up in fixing “it,” because in our eyes it must be broken, that’s why the divorce occurred in the first place. As such, we also have the tendency to butt in when it’s not our right or business to do so. Step-moms need to step back and let the biological parents lead. Our job is to be there as support. Our opinions are certainly relevant and valuable, but at the end of the day, bio mom and bio dad need to be communicating the decisions that are made for their child. I always say that if (in most cases – when) we go to court, the step-parent isn’t going to be allowed to speak for his or her spouse. So, don’t start off allowing the step-parents interfere to the extent that it keeps you from civilly communicating with your ex-spouse.
My ex’s wife was guilty of this is the beginning, and it didn’t help our relationship. Every time we discussed an issue of visitation, child support or any other matter that I should have been discussing with him, I was discussing it with her. This made me resent her even more. After all, I shouldn’t have had to discuss such matters with his new wife, who had only been on the scene for a hot minute. Well, it doesn’t matter if she had been on the scene for several years. Certain matters should be handled by the biological parents. In her defense, however, I could tell that she was only trying to help, but it didn’t. Like I said, when we ended up in court, we [the biological parents] were expected to communicate our issues to the Judge and each other. She wasn’t even allowed in the court room. Therefore, I shouldn’t have been expected to discuss those issues with her outside of the courtroom.
One of the final reasons that second and ex wives can’t seem to get along is because divorced dad is all over the place. I realize that dad is automatically placed in what seems like an impossible position in the blended family. His ex-wife will often feel that his loyalty should be to her because she is the mother of his children. But, his current wife will feel that his loyalty should be to her because she is his wife. As a result, many divorced/remarried dads seem to “side with” whoever he’s talking to at that time. He’s easily led, sets no boundaries for his ex-wife and lacks control of his family. My advice to these dads is to man up. It shouldn’t be that difficult to know what to do. Your second marriage vows should be no different than your first. Your loyalty should always be to your wife! Your only responsibility is to remain an active parent in your children’s lives and treat your former wife with respect and civility. It doesn’t mean that you have to do whatever your ex-wife says. Set boundaries. She should not be allowed to wreak havoc on your marriage just because she can’t get a grip on the dissolution of her marriage and family. You are the head of your household (the one your wife lives in), so act like it. Instead of giving in to your ex-wife’s every whim, thereby making your current wife lose trust and faith in your relationship, take the appropriate measures to remain an active parent in your children’s lives. Remember, just because you married your current wife second doesn’t mean that those vows should be any less important than the first. By that same token, remember that just because you divorced your first wife doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t be treated with respect. She shouldn’t be told to “get a life” just because she expresses concern for her children. Trust me, you want the mother of your children to love her children with every ounce of her being. Just because you get married a second time doesn’t mean that she all of sudden doesn’t know what to do with HER children or that she shouldn’t continue to express concern for them. She’s glad that you’re happy, but her opinion as it relates to HER children, still counts!! They are still her babies, and if you got married ten times, that wouldn’t change – remember that!
As I listen to, speak with and lend advice to other blended family members, if they only retain one thing that I say it would be this: “If one looks deep enough into their problem, he will recognize himself as both part of the problem and part of the solution.” If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that the blame of blended family issues can not be placed solely on one person within the blended family. We ALL add to the breakdown in communication and in many cases, the demise of our blended families. The problem is that we want one person to take responsibility for it. But, we all have to hold ourselves accountable and be responsible for the mistakes that we make within this family structure. If we all focus on ourselves (I know, it sounds selfish) instead of each other, then our hearts and minds will be more free to focus on our children.
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I am sorry to say but I think that I have lost faith in this website. It is nothing personal, and you guys have great intentions. It is just that so much gets misinterpreted, over analyzed, and taken out of context. I have realized that unless you are having an actual verbal conversation in which you can clarify along the way, it is almost impossible to iterate a complete point in the manner which it is intended. I think that Amy and I have both wasted so much time backtracking and correcting and elaborating that we aren’t really getting anywhere. We just find ourselves getting upset over and over and over again because what we meant to say the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd time isn’t any more clear the 4th time. There was so much I wanted to say in regards to my PAS post because I don’t think it was received in the way that I intended, but I realized it would take me another week and a half of posting to try and re-explain and I have far more important things I need to be spending my time, energy, and brain power on.
Like I said, I appreciate what you all are trying to do but I think it may be hindering more than it is helping at this point. Maybe someday when things aren’t as heated and we are all a little more relaxed, then Amy and I can sit down again and chat but until then, attempting to talk on here is just causing more confusion and stress than it is worth.
Amy- feel free to email me at any time, I think Blendingin was right when she said that “the bickering can only continue if more than one party is engaging in the battle.” I know that she meant that it takes two to argue, but if you get a bunch of bloggers in on it (even with the best intentions) it seems to only make matters worse.
Thank you again everyone, and take care
Thank you for your point of view. On this, mine is different and it did affect our child indirectly, which is why I brought it up to begin with.
Anyway, the past is the past.
I was just trying to make sure I wasn’t misrepresented on your site as that would be wrong. And I know you would not want to open healing wounds, so please don’t
Amy
Danielle, I do agree and the same goes for you. Things will be fine with us.
take care and have a good one
Amy
I certainly don’t want to open any old wounds, and don’t have the power to do so. Only you guys can do that by making certain comments on these posts. All we (the people reading the comments) have the power to do is just that, comment on it. We don’t live your lives and therefore, we can only comment on information that we are privy to.
Danielle, I completely agree with you! Once you do get a bunch of bloggers in on your life, it does have the potential to go haywire because everyone has and is entitled to their opinion. I do think that this blog served its purpose for you and Amy, however, because it has gotten you on the track to communicate, even if it’s just a little better. From this point, you and Amy need to to communicate! It still doesn’t mean that you can’t come back to visit us as I appreciate your insight and I’m sure other readers do as well, on the posts. But, it does mean that we (bloggers) don’t need to be involved (to the extent that we are) in your lives any longer. I really believe that you and Amy can take it from here.
Amy, I’m glad that we can agree to disagree, but still communicate on certain points. I hear what you’re saying and understand your position on most points; I simply just don’t agree with your subsequent actions as a result. But that’s okay because that’s what communication is all about. Everyone is just not going to agree on everything all of the time, but I do think we learn a little more each time about our individual situations and ourselves, both through agreeing and disagreeing.
Best of luck to both Danielle and Amy!
1,000 Blessings,
Kela
Take care and thanks for all the comments and insights.
Amy
Danielle,
I can honestly say I haven’t gotten through all of the posts from you and Amy but I would be doing you and myself a disservice if I didn’t let you know that from an ex-wife’s perspective, I do not agree with everything Amy has said. There are some things I do agree with but not everything. Some may think I am strange but as a woman who has been a single mother and now a mother again in my second marriage, I want my daughter’s step-mother involved with the decision with my daughter. I do invite her to parent/teacher conferences, and I do invite her to other school meetings as well as my husband. Just because my daughter lives with me full time doesn’t mean that my husband has more “rights” to her than her step-mother. I want my daughter to be helped from all directions and for that to happen some meetings need to be attended in person by all parties. THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION ABOUT MY OWN FAMILY. I am quickly realizing this is not the norm but the more help the better. Education is the most important thing to me and if she is having a problem in a class or needs extra help I sure want her step mother and step father there to hear what that issue is and we all can work with her to solve it. If it were a behavior issue I feel the same way. She is ALL of our concern and we all need to help her.
There are things my ex-husband and I discuss first and then discuss it with our spouses but those things are rare and it is mostly out of respect for him being her father that I talk to him first. Life is so short and I don’t intend to waste my energy being upset with every little thing that happens over at his house. Some ex-wives feel threatened by the new wifeand so they find ways around the issue by finding little things to get upset with the new wife for instead of just saying they have an issue with anyone new being around thier child. Could be a child issue or it could be with the ex-husband. No matter what happens or how nice someone is or if they bend over backwards to help, until she softens her stance on that issue, it will be very hard to get through and have a relationship. Most won’t admit it but deep down that is the issue.
Amy, I will say that I have been in your shoes too. As I have stated before there are a few women I wouldn’t want around my daughter because of some things I have witnessed for myself. My ex-husband obviously came to his senses and found someone that was a better fit for he and our daughter. Who knows I could be the one having the same conversations you are having but it didn’t turn out that way for us. It is so hard to see someone with your child. I do not know you or Danielle personally and I am not pretending to but you both have come so far just over this blog. Of course this is not something that can be fixed overnight but you guys have a great start. Communication, communication, communication is KEY. Everyday is a learning experience.
Amy shouldn’t be made to feel as if she is being attacked and either should Danielle. We are here to help each other and I say this all the time, as women we need to do more to help one another and bring each other up–not down.
Please have a wonderful day!
Serendipitous8, in my opinion, you are being counter-productive with your words and with what we were trying to accomplish with Danielle and Amy. You say you know about step-moms, but in fact, it seems as though you really don’t. If your husband doesn’t want to be involved with K-Boy’s schooling or feel the need to be present at his meetings than that is HIS choice. That doesn’t mean that his step-mom has those same feelings. My question to you is if your husband did want to be involved, would you simply tell him NO? Quite frankly, I, personally, can’t see WHY he doesn’t want to be involved. Your issues with your son’s stepmother doesn’t have to spill over and directly affect your posts regarding Amy and Danielle, your situations are just that YOUR INDIVIDUAL SITUATIONS. If I sound harsh — I apologize, but I feel that Amy and Danielle have accomplished a lot and your comments are counter-productive to both sides seeing their accomplishments. I am a step-mom AND a bio mom to a child whose father is remarried so I have been in both positions. I totally agree with Blendingin’s comments and don’t even need to respond at all, with the exception of the following:
Danielle and Amy,
I think the two of you have made great strides. Danielle, you could not help the fact that the husband you married had a child from a previous marriage. Amy, it is not Danielle’s fault that she is a step-mother. It’s almost as if Serendipitous8 believes that Danielle has this grand plan of taking your son away by trying to be a good step-mother. When she took her vows to her husband, she in turn took vows to him to be a responsible parent knowing he had a child. I admire any person who is willing to step-up and not step-back in a situation like this.
Amy, I feel Danielle’s involvement can only help your son in the future. I think your idea of limiting her so that you can have the perfect “only mother scenario” defeats the blended family purpose. Your son knows who his mother is. No one can replace you nor do I believe Danielle would want to replace you. Do I think there are things that only the bio parents should discuss or handle. Absolutely. But, in these days and times where children are suffering and day in and day out having more and more peer pressures, etc. in their lives, for me, and I believe Julie’s (my husband’s ex), our daughter having 4 parents in her life that love her unconditionally and support her no matter what, makes all the difference in the world to Sasha. Sasha is a better child for it and if she were able to tell you that herself, she would.
You and Danielle’s position and how far you have come has been amazing and this blog was designed to help not to harm. I hope the two of you know that. Unfortunately, you have some bloggers that have tunnel vision and can only see one point of view. Keep on talking and communicating Danielle and Amy.
Danielle, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but keep being who you are and have been to your step-son. Keep letting him know every day that you love him unconditionally and that you appreciate both of his father and his mother. He will always love you for that.
Amy, keep being the great mother that you are and always remember to keep your heart open. You are a mother bear just as all of us are and I appreciate your honesty and openness. Stay true to the reason you got on this blog in the first place and why you first researched the happy blended family. No one can replace you in your son’s life but Danielle can enhance your son’s life as well.
Both of you keep on keepin on! Stay in touch!
Diane
I want all of you readers to know that EVERYTHING I say is with nothing but love! Apart of supporting each other as women, as Julie stated, is learning to check ourselves as well as each other. Sometimes we just need to hear the truth, no matter how difficult it might be to hear. I believe in and truly appreciate honesty, even if it counters my viewpoints. Once again, that’s how we learn about each other, our respective situations and ourselves. And, I expect, accept and respect complete honesty in return. This blog was created with an intent to positively affect blended families. Unfortunately and realistically, you have to weave your way through the hurt, including the opinions, sometimes harsh judgments and even your own pain, before getting to the good stuff.
Kela
I totally agree with Motherof3girls and Blendingin! I appreciate all viewpoints even though it may be different from my own!
Be blessed always!!!
Familyblend ~ Don’t assume something that is not true. This comment below is absurd – Don’t speak for me or try to interpret something like this:
Serendipitous8 believes that Danielle has this grand plan of taking your son away by trying to be a good step-mother.
Danielle can NEVER take Amy’s son away from her!!! NOTHING Danielle will do will EVER change the way Amy’s son feels about her, even that means Danielle being the best step-mommy EVER. Amy is smart enough to know this, just as I know that I have a bond with my son that will NEVER change no matter how many time T is the best little step-mommy. And with that, my son has a very strong bond with T – a bond that I encourage all the time no matter how much I think she is a bad person and does crappy things that only make the situation worse.
IMO – Danielle sounds just like T and some of the things Amy says sounds just like things they wanted me to say. I have heard it all before and I’m just stating my opinion!!! It is my opinion, Amy and Daniell can and will do whatever they think is best for them and their situation. That is the thing about an opinion, I’m not telling them what to do.
Serendipitious8, with all due respect, please do not misuse and twist my words. If you read the post again you will see that you left out the full sentence, it reads as follows:
“It’s almost as if Serendipitous8 believes that Danielle has this grand plan of taking your son away by trying to be a good step-mother” with emphasis being “It’s almost as if.” I didn’t say you actually believed — it was hypothetical.
Nobody is saying, not me, not Danielle, not motherof3girls nor Blendingin that Danielle was trying to take Amy’s son away or that nothing she could do would change the way Amy’s son feels about her. You are taking things way out of context and making a mountain out of a mole-hill by referencing my post the wrong way.
You reference YOUR situation with T and you say that you encourage T’s bond with your son, yet you refer to her as, “the best little step mommy” and call her a “bad person.” All I was saying is that you shouldn’t bring all of YOUR anger for T into Danielle and Amy’s situation. It’s not fair to Amy and definitely not fair to Danielle. This blog is about helping people, and yes, although I do respect your opinion, I also know that it’s not about ME or YOU. So, just like you feel for Amy, I feel for Danielle and Amy. I see both points of view and I try to give them ideas that might work. I gain my knowledge from experience and I am happy to try to help them and all of our readers find peace and happiness within a blended family.
I don’t want you or any of the readers to take the things I say the wrong way — and if you have — I apologize — I am here to do my best to help. I think that if you join in our discussion with a more open mind about T then maybe some of your ideas and thoughts might change and you might find yourself being less angry.
Be blessed!
Diane
Okay, comments for this post are being taken in a direction that totally misrepresents the mission behind this blog. If you want to help, then offer your comments in a respectful manner or not at all. From this point on, if any other comments are posted that I feel go against the BFSO mission and belief system, then THEY WILL BE DELETED!