Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)
September 26, 2008 by Kela Price
Filed under Daily Dose
Tuesday morning, I, Diane, was watching Good Morning America and the guest being interviewed was Alec Baldwin. He was speaking about his new book, which comes out today, entitled, “A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce.” In this book, Baldwin discusses Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), or one parent turning their child against the other. Although I believe this to be a real issue in today’s society; I will stand by the fact that some people don’t need to have children because they aren’t capable of being good parents. But for most of us, this is not the case, we just need to learn how to reconcile our feelings in order to co-parent effectively, thereby making PAS a non- issue.
Everyone knows that with a nasty divorce, more than likely a nasty custody battle follows. Often times the divorcing parties don’t take their child into consideration while engaged in such a battle, and as a result, he or she ends up caught in the middle. This type of behavior can lead to barriers being put up by one party which imposes on the other parent’s relationship with their child. Sometimes, like Baldwin, some almost give up and lose the will to keep fighting for their parental rights and in the end, the child suffers irreparable damage.
I, Kela, have watched my stepson suffer from PAS for years now. It is what motivated me to do some thorough research on the topic. Additionally, I want to be absolutely sure that I never alienate my child, even if it’s unintentionally, from his biological father. It is imperative that we understand this phenomenon so that the children caught in the middle don’t continue to suffer.
PAS is a complicated concept that historically has been difficult to clearly identify in court. Cases involving PAS are filled with accusations and counter accusations which are eventually dismissed as nothing more than hearsay. However, psychologists, therapists and other mental health professionals assert that PAS is much more than hearsay and there are signs and symptoms that one can look for in order to identify it. Below are some criteria that you can follow to determine whether or not PAS is an issue for your blended family.
Access and Contact Blocking
Access and contact blocking involves the active blocking of access or contact between the child and absent parent. Most mothers will try to defend their actions by claiming that they are just trying to protect the child. She may argue that the absent parent’s parental judgment is substandard and, therefore the child is much worse off from the visit. Access and contact blocking usually occurs when the alienator feels attacked and/or is trying to prove a point. It is a form of control that has nothing to do with protecting the child; but, has more to do with protecting their own ego.
In my (Kela) case, if my husband and his ex-wife don’t agree (which is all of the time) on a matter that pertains to their son, the first thing she does is block phone contact and visitation. There is no discussion and my husband has no control. Her claim is ALWAYS that she’s just protecting her son’s mental health. She will also appear to be trying to work towards a solution. But, while they are working towards the solution SHE determines whether or not my husband will see his child. My husband went 6 months without seeing his child and has only seen him 15 hours (5 hours per month) in the last year. Crack heads get more time than this with their children! In her eyes, they are only working together if he agrees with her.
Access and contact blocking can also come in the form of the alienator working to limit contact with the parent as well. This is often done when the alienator claims that other events (birthday parties, funerals, weddings, ect.) should take precedence over visitation with the targeted parent. The message to the child when this occurs is that the absent parent is treated less like an important family member and more like an annoying acquaintance that the child must see at times. This type of behavior can have a detrimental effect on the child’s relationship with the absent parent.
Emotional Abuse Allegations
False emotional abuse allegations is another very common form of PAS. Often times what actually occurs in a difference in opinion that the alienator frames as “emotionally abusive.” For example, one parent may let the child stay up later than the other. Or one parent might introduce a new significant other to the child before the other parent feels that he or she should. Both examples reflect a difference of parental opinion that is now described as emotional abuse by the alienator. Although these examples may seem insignificant, it is a suggestive theme of how the alienator uses difference of opinion to keep the child away from the absent parent.
Deterioration in Relationship Since Separation
The least identified, but one of the most important criteria is the deterioration of the relationship between the non-residential parent and the child since separation. It has to do with the existence of a positive relationship between the minor child and the nonresidential parent, prior to the marital separation; and a considerable deterioration, of it since then. If a father has a good and involved relationship with his child prior to the divorce, and is clearly trying to maintain a positive relationship with their child; but there has been a substantial change in their relationship since the divorce, one can naturally assume that alienation has occurred. Healthy and established parental relationships do not erode naturally of their own accord. THEY MUST BE ATTACKED! As such, any dramatic change in this area almost always indicates that the alienation process has had some success. If this puzzle piece is left out in court, the court can be easily fooled into thinking that the existing relationship is representative of the true parent-child relationship. It isn’t an easy feat to correct this perception, once it’s been determined by the court. I (Kela) believe that this is the reason why Judges often group all absent fathers into the category of “deadbeat.”
I (Diane) was guilty of alienating my son from his father. I was hell bent on trying to prove something to him because he hurt ME, not my son. Sometimes we confuse lashing out because we’re hurt with trying to protect our children. At any rate, I alienated my son from his father for 6 years. When I finally did come to my senses and realized that it wasn’t about ME, my son only got to spend a year and half getting to know his father before he (his father) was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident. My son was only 10. I made a HUGE mistake by convincing myself that I was protecting my son when in actuality, I was only trying to protect my own feelings.
The above criteria can exist together or independent of each other as well. And, if all or some of the criteria is present, but alienation is unsuccessful, it doesn’t mean that the act of alienation didn’t occur.
Parental Alienation is a common phenomenon in which early intervention is essential. If allowed to continue, it can be destructive to your child’s well-being and mental health. Often times, the targeted parent (usually the father) washes his hands of the situation and walks away – gives up, thus greatly increasing the chances of successful alienation.
Side Note: PAS can only occur if the targeted parent is and has been doing everything in his or her power to maintain a relationship with his or her child. Don’t claim that you’re a victim of alienation if you choose to spend a limited amount of time with your child, call him once in a blue moon and try to avoid your responsibilities as a parent.
Characteristics of An Alienator
- They are obsessed with destroying their child’s relationship with the nonresidential parent.
- They have succeeded in enmeshing the child’s personality and beliefs about the other parent with their own.
- The child will parrot the alienator rather than express their own experiences from personal experiences with the nonresidential parent.
- Their (alienator) beliefs often become delusional and irrational. No one, especially the court, can convince the alienator that she is wrong, and anyone who tries is the enemy.
- They will often seek support from family members, friends, co-workers who will share their beliefs that they are victimized by the other parent. The alienator’s supporters are often seen in court hearings even though they haven’t been subpoenaed.
- They have so much anger because they believe the nonresidential parent has victimized them and whatever they do to protect the child is justified.
- They work so hard and sometimes succeed, in getting the court to punish the nonresidential parent with court orders that would interfere or block the parent from seeing his child.
- The court’s authority DOES NOT intimidate them.
- The alienator believes that she is protecting the child at all cost.
- The alienator will not want to read this post because the content will just make her even angrier!
REFERENCES: The Florida Bar Journal, VOL. 73, NO. 3, MARCH 1999, p 44-48
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I’ve had issues with this…. I actually wrote a blog post on my situation awhile back (http://adventuresindivorce.wordpress.com/2008/08/05/tough-titty-said-the-kitty/) and someone left a comment and brought to my attention that was an example of PAS.
Throughout my separation and divorce my ex has attacked my character and bad-mouthed me to anyone who will listen, INCLUDING my kids. I know he does this as a form of “sour grapes” but he takes it way too far telling my kids (mostly my son) both factual and fabricated information that he does not need to be made privy to. I am very cautious about telling him about what’s going on in my life because I know the moment he gets mad at me, he will twist it all around and end up telling my son (who lives with him during the school year because he’s closer to his high school) something negative. It is the most frustrating and infuriating thing because there’s nothing I can do to stop it, and my Ex has no sense of right and wrong when it comes to this (his response is “What? I’m just telling him the TRUTH.”)
Luckily we don’t have the issue of one or the other trying to keep the kids away from each other (yet…. we’ll see what happens when I get into another serious relationship). But I still worry about his actions to try and turn my kids (particularly my son because he’s 14, which is an age where parent/child relationships break down ANYWAY) against me.
Anesidora,
I just wouldn’t share anything about your personal business with your ex husband unless it directly relates to your children. It’s none of his business and some people thrive on twisting the truth. I think your son is old enough where you can sit down and talk to him and tell him that you are not going to be able to control what his father tells him but that he (your son) should know that he can come to you with his feelings or questions and that you will always tell him the truth. You should explain to him that people are different in their beliefs about what they do and do not tell their children about grown folks business. Explain what your beliefs on the matter are and that way he will have that level of understanding with you so that when his father does give him some insinuatory informatio, he will either ignore it as his dad is being hurtful or he will come to you and ask you about it himself.
If this is a continuing problem in the future, I would petition the court to make him stop his behavior as it is harmful. Most courts will have that written into their orders in the first place about making disparaging remarks about the non-custodial parent and visa verse, so if it is not currently in your existing court orders, I would make sure it is placed there. If it is and he continues, I would take him in on a contempt of court basis and explain to the Judge what is going on and that you want it to stop. At 14, the Judge will most certainly talk to your son about it if it is requested.
Stay strong.
Anesidora,
The most important thing you can do to maintain a relationship with your son, despite the PAS, is to be honest with him. In my experience, it didn’t help when my husband’s ex-wife was feeding my stepson information and then requested that we not discuss anything with him. We started discussing certain issues with him, anyway. Now, we didn’t divulge all of the gory details, but we were honest. For example, when my husband and I got married in Mexico we were all set to take our stepson with us (he was already paid for). But, his mom got the court to interfere stating that he could not go. He thought that we didn’t want him to go (wonder where he got that from?). We sat him down and explained that his mother did not want him to go, but we really wanted him to be apart of our wedding.
My point is that the alienator has a funny way of alienating the child and then placing you in the position to have to divulge information that you normally would not have, if the child wasn’t told things that he shouldn’t have been told in the first place. As a result, the targeted parent often just goes along with it in order to prevent from confusing the child even further. THIS IS THE WORSE THING YOU CAN DO! Be honest with your children. At 14, your son is old enough for you to be honest (to a certain extent) with him. Like familyblend said, sit him down, explain to him what your beliefs are, reinforce your love for him and make sure you tell him that you are here to answer his questions, honestly, whenever he wishes to ask them.
Most importantly, maintain a positive relationship with your son. Call him every night, attend all of his events/activities, and ask questions. Let him know that you still want to be an integral part of his life. I’m sure you already know this, though
. This way, it won’t matter what your ex says because your actions will say the opposite. When your son gets older he’ll figure it out for himself.
I was a victim of PAS growing up as a child of divorce. My mother was a malicious mother and I can tell you that it really affected me and my life. The kids are the ones that get hurt. Take it from me, I spent 25 years in therapy because of the PAS, I personally experienced. I am now 40 and I’ve resolved the issues of the PAS and forgiven my mother for it.
It is all about control. Co-Parenting is NOT a competition. I have always put aside my personal feelings about my daughter’s dad and allowed her to make her choices about visitation, since the age of 2, she’s now 9. He is not a consistent part of her life, but she knows that it’s not because of anything that I have control over.
My stepdaughter is 15 and I really feel that by this age the child should be pretty much determining their own visitation. Unfortunately, it’s all in the mom’s control and if she wants to be controlling, inflexible, malicious and not put the child first, there’s really not a lot that can be done. We’ve consulted attorney after attorney and they all tell us the same thing…there’s nothing we can do.
Think of the kids first! Put your personal feelings aside, treat the other parent like a business acquaintance. Believe me, it works well and it makes life so much easier and less stressful.
Thanks for letting put in my 2cents.
Oh yes, great post ladies. Thank you for bringing light to this.
We are living with PAS and I can you that it is a real thing. The description of the alienating parent describes Eliza to a tee. She has really worked a mojo on the boys. It is tough undoing this damage, more so than I think many could imagine.
Eliza has made it her mission to turn the boys against him, and to be honest, had we not recieved custody of them two years ago, she would have completely succeeded. Eliza has done MANY, MANY things to brainwash them and here are only a few: She has told them that my husband has never paid child support for them, badmouthed him non-stop, had him falsely arrested (she said that he slashed her tire in front of her children. Of course it was not true and this came out in court and the charges were dismissed. She was only slapped on the wrist for perjury) when they were removed from her custody by CPS for neglect, she did not tell my husband (we had to find out via a former acquaintance), blocked him from visiting his school and obtaining any academic information about them, had my oldest stepson call him to tell my husband that he hated him, threw the dollar out the window that my husband gave Ethan once when he had lunch with my oldest stepson at school (it was for him to buy an ice-cream snadwich, but Ethan pocketed the money), she has told them over and over that he does not want to be a part of their lives–although she refuses to follow the court ordered visitation and would transfer them from school to school when the administrators would inform her that he could exercise his parental rights, she often lied telling people that he had no parental rights, she moved out of town for a year without providing an address or a phone number, she has encouraged the boys to look to her brothers as their father, when she intially went to jail, she had her husband call my husband to ask him if he would give up his parental rights and in exchange for this he would not have to pay child support, tried to get restraining orders that included the kids as a legal way to stop his parental rights, my youngest stepson said the night she went to jail that she pulled them aside and told them that they might have to come to our house but instructed them that they did not have to listen to us because their father didn’t love them and really didn’t want them, and threw a cup of kool-aid on him in front of the kids when we went to her apartment to visit them.
When my oldest stepson was 10, he asked his dad why didn’t want to pay his mom child support for them. My husband informed him that he has always done this. Well, apparently he informed Eliza and she was furious. She had her brother come to our house to address the situation claiming that he should not talk adult business with the children!
On the CPS report she listed the father for my oldest stepson as unknown, but provided my husband’s name for their youngest son but said she had no contact information for him. I am assuming that this was done to prevent them from trying to contact him.
He has filed countless coontempts on her, but the court does not seem to care as they never enforced his visitation. She was very skillfull at started an arguement to divert the attention from the fact that she was really in contempt. The court always fell for her ploy.
When she went too jail, she did not want the boys with us. She refused to have the child support stopped and my husband had to take her to court to do so. When our attorney visited her in jail she refused to sign the form that would have immediatedly terminated the child support because we would not pay for her collect calls. It took five months to get an emergency order.
My oldest stepson has the most severe case. I feel so sorry for my husband sometimes. You would think that after two years that they would see the truth, but unfortunately, the oldest one is still holding on.
Sometimes I am amazed at the extent she went, driven by her hatred of my husband no doubt. In subtle ways she continues her indoctrination by writing things like Mommy+Ethan+Evan+Carl=Family on the outside of her envelopes. While she is right to a degree because she is their family, too–but where does that leave dad, stepmom, and our son?
Does she see how much she had hurt the boys–how much she has robbed them of? Was her behavior intentional or unintentional? We thought for sure that the courts would throw her in jail for a short while or at the minimum, fine her. They did NOTHING!!! We have went for years without seeing the boys. the few times over the years that she would allow my SIL to get them, she instructed her that we were not allowed to visit with them or pick them up. During this time, we would see Ethan maybe 3-4 times a year and that was because we would have lunch with him. I even stopped going because I knew that she did not want me there and I thought that she would at least allow my husband this right if I stayed away. WRONG. She would pull them from the school anyways. Evan was not school age at this time so we rarely saw him.
Every blue moon she would allow the to come over for a few hours or spend the night. Eventually the contact had to be intiated by her as she would call private and we were not privvy to her address. When my husband would try to visit them at her house, that would eventually turn into a police report with the claim that he was stalking her–not simply a man trying to see his children.
I know that this is long, and really, I could write much more but form what I have written I’m sure you all can get the picture. It is so stressful living in the aftermath of this. It is painful. We try everyday to undo what she has done.
You are so right, Morocco, the aftermath is quite painful. Well, we’re still going through it. I often find myself banging my head against the wall (not literally) trying to wipe away my husband’s pain after he confesses that he misses his son, with tears in his eyes. My stepson says things like, “It isn’t right for them (he thinks it’s the court system) to keep me away from my family (us) for this long.” It’s going to be a challenge to undo what she’s done! For a moment, I feel so helpless, but I am all about solutions. So, I am determined to at least shed some light on this very real issue that destroys relationships between children and their families.
I guess the solution is just time.
Time and awareness.
Funny that when my parents divorced 46 years ago there was not a name for what my mother did to my father and to me to alienate me from him.
Then 23 years ago a woman not unlike my mother made a baby. I successfully gained the privilege to raise her at the tender age of eighteen months and did so for five and a half years. My many years of psychological therapy helped me.
But I had not overcome completely the effects of having parents that did not know how to love and had been attracted to a woman as vicious as each and both my parents.
She found the Justice for Children-(JFC) organization in Houston Texas which proceeded to ‘help’ her get our daughter back from me. JFC not only rejects parental alienation but is also sexist and plainly evidenced by statements on their own web site and in the May 2, 2007 Houston Chronicle interview of one of their newer recruits Atty. Alene Levy, from the law firm of Haynes and Boone, Llp. Note: Mom was out commiting three felonies while she got their help.
JFC threw at me two lawyers from the prestigous law firm Fulbright and Jaworski, Llp. I had none. Its been now seventeen years that my daughter has not been able to pick up the phone to speak with me after I raised her successfully for those precious years. She had been flourishing but when she was returned to her mother she floundered. She dropped out of high school and soon made a baby that itself had no dad.
So you zealots, tell me PAS does not exist. anbd get yourselves out of the courtrooms of America.
Peruse http://www.paao.org and read Amy JL Baker’s Adult Children of Parental Alienation.
Excellent article, you guys and I would like to offer my own experience.
Stacy, I too was a victim of PAS growing up. My biological father ‘denied’ me at birth. (I put this in quotes because over the past few years I seriously question the validity of it.) My mother, while I was growing up and to this day, will tell me nothing of this man other than ‘he is an asshole’ and ‘just because he helped create you doesn’t make him your father’ and other such negativity. It never really bothered me to not have him in my life though because my mom did a very good job at making me believe I wasn’t missing out on anything. She placed much emphasis on the fact that she was mother and father enough for my younger brother and I and we didn’t need to have anyone else. (This wound up coming back and biting her in the ass when she married my step-father but that is another story.) I never gave much thought into finding my bio-father because the way I saw it, if he did want anything to do with me he would have tried as hard as he could to be able to. But Blendingin, you’re right. Sometimes mothers will stop at nothing to keep the fathers away and eventually they just give up. You see, recently I found out a lot of things from my older sister (who has a different father) that are contrary to what my mother had always told me and a lot of things that she omitted so as to not make her look bad. It makes me furious that because she got hurt and couldn’t accept it and move on with her life- I missed out on having a father, a half-brother, another set of grandparents, and who knows how many other family members. There is a whole other side of me that I don’t even know and where in there had been lies made to “protect me” there is confusion, anger, and emptiness. Honestly, I don’t know where to go from here. I am afraid to try and contact him (I know his name and have located his whereabouts.) What if he is everything my mother says he is? What if he denies me again? What if he’s a good man that gave up to save his sanity? What if my mother were to find out? She would be so angry and see it as me being disloyal to her that I’m a traitor. What would my step-father think? He has been the only dad I’ve known since I was 10 years old, he was the one that gave me away to my husband when we got married. So many questions. No good, definitive answers. It really sucks.
I am not all consumed by this, it may sound like it but it is just something that pops around in my head sometimes. I turned out just fine and well with all things considered. I didn’t wind up needing therapy and I don’t see where it had any great negative effect on my life, I am just confused and disappointed and feel let down by the one person that was supposed to do what was best for ME.
All in all, when I read this article and reflected on my experience and then thought about all that we have been talking about recently I came to a bit of a conclusion that may help Amy to see my side of things a little clearer. I forgot that when I got on the plane I did have baggage, I have the purse that I always carry with me. It’s one of those things that has become such an extension of myself that I don’t even realize it’s there. This is why I am so defensive of my husband. The situation between Amy and my husband is no where near what my personal experience was, but I guess there are times that I make the correlation with some of the things that are said and done and I let my past and emotions get involved.
I am sorry Amy, that my defensiveness about my husband angers you. It was never my intent to make you think that I think your feelings about my husband aren’t real. I know they are very real. I just hope that from reading this you can understand why I try to hard to advocate for the other side. Not just for my husband, but for your son as well.
Thank you all for listening
Also, having said all that I can honestly and with complete confidence say that IF something were to occur and my husband and I were to get a divorce, there are only 3 things that would prevent me from allowing him to see our children (or agreeing to a 50/50 split, for that matter.)
1. If he were to ever physically or emotionally abuse our children.
2. If he were to become a deadbeat and not want to see the children or provide financial support.
3. Time/location constraints making it impossible to have equal time.
I just could never live with myself basing my decisions on anything other than those 3 things. I would never want for my children to grow up and have to wonder what could have been. To wonder why they didn’t have more time. To look at me and resent my selfishness. To wonder what their father had done so wrong that he and they both got punished for it. He could be the worst husband in the world and hurt me to no avail but so long as he is a good father to our children and his heart is in the right place for them that would be the only thing that would matter.
Danielle, I remember you telling me this when we first met and I have known that there is hurt attached. I am sorry had to go through that.
I am not your mother. I appreciate you helping me to understand why you want to advocate for my son’s father and for my son, but they are not victims of your mother’s cruelty.
There are many people who have been in your situation that become advocates for the other side, but please be careful to look at each situation individually. Advocating for fathers and 50/50 splits does not make PAS go away. It will not make your feelings about your own situation go away.
Amy
Danielle,
I’m sorry that you had to go through that, and now I understand why you feel the need to advocate for your step-son and husband. But, you’re right, that is emotional baggage that you brought on the plane. I’m glad you’ve discovered that now. Maybe it will allow you to let down those defenses in order to start communicating more effectively with Amy. It looks like you’re really trying to do that now.
Amy, I understand your position as well, and thank you for stating it in such a way that doesn’t put Danielle on the defense. You stated that you sometimes wish that you could be his only mother figure at important meetings such as parent teacher conferences, his first day of school, etc. As a mom, I can COMPLETELY understand this. And, now that you stated that in a respectful manner, maybe you and Danielle can compromise? Maybe you, Danielle, can allow Amy to have these special moments with her son? Even though you may like to present for everything, you don’t have to be. Why not just go to his school plays or sporting events, and allow Amy and your husband to attend the parent teacher conferences, alone? I’m sure your husband will share important information with you when he gets home. Amy has extended a branch to you, so to speak, by saying that she will no longer oppose your presence at all of his events. Why not extend the other and compromise on this issue? As a mom, I’m sure you can understand how Amy feels. This is all new to everyone (it’s only been a year), including Amy, and everyone needs time to adjust.
All in all, it’s all about communication and respect. Amy’s right, it isn’t always about understanding, it’s about that willingness to listen and communicate in an attempt to understand. You and Amy have certainly made strides from your first posts as I see you guys trying to listen and communicate. Hopefully, one day, you will eventually understand each others’ positions. For now, just take it step by step, remembering those key principles; communication and respect.
Danielle,
I so appreciate your honesty. While reading your post, I realized that you have actually brought out some feelings for me about my mother and father. It really hurts when you sit and think about how two people can make children, but not get along enough to raise them together, even if they (the parents) can’t live together. The reasons you stated about not allowing your husband visitation if you were to divorce are the only reasons someone should keep their children away.
I think due to my experiences (as I posted in the article) and the mistakes I have made are a true reality of the fact that “children live what they learn!” I learned that behavior from my mother and I withheld my child from his father as I stated, much to my regret because he passed away after having our son back in his life for only a year and a half. Just to clarify for the readers, we had recently gotten married at that time and our lives were great! But, that year and a half was not fair to my son’s father and I deeply regret it.
Thank you Danielle for bringing out some truths. We don’t have all the answers and sometimes our readers are just as much inspiration to us as our articles are to you all!!
Have a blessed day!
Diane
Familyblend,
I commend you for being honest about your past mistakes. Mistakes can be learning tools if we allow them to be.
Thank you, Morocco! I appreciate you words.
Amy, your statement about advocating for fathers and 50/50 splits does not make PAS go away is correct, but in Danielle’s point of view, her husband (as long as he wasn’t doing any of the things she stated in her post) should have a 50/50 split because he is a wonderful father — no matter what kind of husband he ended up being to her. Of course, her advocating that premise is not going to make her feelings go away, but I commend her for being open and for apologizing to you just as you apologized to her. This is where the happy/healthy blended family begins for your son and Danielle’s step-son. Getting past hurts, insinuations and pre-judgements by being able to see each others’ situations and reasoning behind their feelings.
As you stated, “Danielle’s husband and your son are NOT victims of Danielle’s mother’s cruelty,” but in fact all three of you have been. Danielle’s underlying fears and feelings put up walls and defenses against you that probably shouldn’t have been there which she has now realized and took the great step of apologizing for just as you were able to do in last week.
I commend you both for how far you have come and I am so proud that we have this forum for people like the two of you to open your lines of communication up. Now, I think it will be so much easier for the two of you to start communicating more and as Blendingin said, making more efforts toward compromise.
Be blessed!!
Diane
I am a mother who is being alienated. My ex was fine until he got remarried. I am not sure how, but his wife, whom I had never personally offended, has taken up her own personal priority of “protecting” my girls from me. My communications with their father must run by her before an answer is sent. She has enrolled the children in schools and day care programs, listing me as a person NOT to have access to them (I have joint legal), she tells them that she is a better mother than me, etc., and monitors my phone calls with them. They have attempted to get contact information of my boyfriend and people close to me, by citing a non-existent court order, and have threatened to expose things to them for the purpose fo harming my relationships. It has now been 8 years since he and I divorced. He and she are on their 3rd attempt to get a counselor to say that I should not be in their lives. I have been attacked in court, claiming I am mentally unstable, false allegations of mental illness, false accusations of neglect and abandonment, ANYTHING and everything. It has come down to doing what can be done to disable me, financially, from visiting the children. (I live in UTah, they live in CA-I travel to CA to visit with my girls 1 weekend out of each month)
I have limited access to them as it is, and fought to make sure he had to let me call them each night. They spend 15% of their time with me (despite my efforts to change that), and their father, and especially their step-mother still work to reduce that more, by claiming that they are protecting them from me.
I have never harmed, abused, neglected, abandoned, or otherwise affected my girls in a negative way. I have fought to have the little time that I have, despite receiving notices of ex-parte motions to cease or further limit custody and visitation. (Ex-parte=emergency hearings IN CALIFORNIA which I made sure I traveled to attend, with less than 24hrs notice) he has failed at each attempt.
Now, my soon to be 10yo is starting to parrot their opinions of my choices. I am hearing the same arguments from her that I hear from them. I actually got criticized by my daughter for not voting for who her dad and stepmother are voting for. I have been hung up on, and told that I was putting her through “guilt trips” when I was exercising my parental position by telling her that ignoring me was not acceptable, and that it bothered me. (That occurred when she was 8). Come to find out, her step-mother was coaching her during those conversations, telling her that she didn’t have to talk to me if she didn’t want to.
If my daughters get into trouble with me for doing or saying things that I feel are inappropriate, or we have a disagreement, their step-mother engages in special treatment to take advantage of the situation, promoting herself as the better mom, that she loves them more than I do.
This is how I am living this very day. And it frustrates me, now that my 9 year old is showing signs of distancing herself from me, that some say PAS doesn’t exist.
Kyndrad77, thank you for your post and sharing your situation with us. Albeit, I am not an attorney, and don’t claim to be, I worked in a law office in CA for 8 years in the family law division so I know all about the ex-parte hearings, notices, etc. Have you asked the court to do psychologial exams on the girls? You may have to pay for them if you request them, but during those exams, the psychologist can determine if the children are being swayed or even if PAS is occurring. By your entry, at the ex-parte hearings, I see that the court was not swayed by your ex’s attempt to further limit your custody. I guess my question would be, is the reason your ex has primary custody because you decided to move out-of-state? I know the court looks heavily upon that. Regardless, you still should have outlined visitation during summer breaks, spring breaks, holiday’s, etc. All states have mandated guideline schedules for the non-custodial parents during those times and it should be written in your orders. If he is not following them to the “T” then I would suggest that take him in on an ex-parte notice. In my experience in the State of California and in all states it can be argued as well (and my own children’s court orders are from there), an acute denial of visitation is grounds for a change of custody because it directly affects the well-being of the child, unless the denial is due to an extenuating circumstance (i.e., drugs, alcohol, etc.). Healthy children need both parents.
I know this is frustrating for you. I would say that you should, if you can, hire a good attorney in California in the county/city where the court’s jurisdiction resides. I would be relentless on this matter.
One more thought. Also, you can ask the court to appoint an attorney to represent the minor children due to the parties alienating visitation. If an attorney is appointed, I can assure you, he or she will get to the root of these problems. The children’s attorney may also ask the court to order that you and your ex get psychological exams as well. So be prepared for that just in case.
Thank you for your input. I am going to look more into getting an attorney for the girls. I need to get familiar with the jobs of these attorneys. I called a family member after reading this and she said that doing this would also help making sure that the biases don’t continue to affect my case negatively. Right now, I am trying to maintain regular contact with this new counselor, as he has made statements that counselors have suggested no contact between myself and the girls in the past. Obviously I never knew that my girls were seeing a counselor in the first place until after the fact.
I feel very confident that I have nothing to worry about here, I have tried to be what I consider a very good mother to them, and not make choices that served only to support whatever resentments I have toward him.
I have already gone through the process of having psychologists analyze me.
That was the round in 2006. It took three letters from psychiatrists and psychologists stating that I do not have mental health problems, or anger management problems (one of his tricks), to finally get the judge to tell him to leave me alone. These antics have a lot to do with why it is taking so long to get fairer visitation rights. He’s been really good at distracting the court with unfounded accusations.
Well, at least now I know what he is capable of, which is good and bad. The good is that I am less likely to be blind-sided, the bad is that I know what I am dealing with is not healthy, and my kids live with him and his wife.
In all honesty, I know that it isn’t him primarily, but I do not excuse him because he is allowing it.
Thanks again for your advice. I will certainly be looking into those options.
Just so you know, when you have joint legal custody, you have the right to be listed at your children’s schools, you also have an explicit right to their medical records. I would get a copy made of your original court order that grants your joint legal custody and type a cover letter to the counselor that your children go to. They have to send you a copy of the report. You should demand copies of their regular report cards and medical records from their general doctors as well.
I see by your post that you think that most of this is coming from his new wife and not so much by your ex. Please remember that your husband’s new wife is only capable of controlling what your ex husband allows her to control. Keep your head up and stay focused on the most important issue and that is your daughters. Just continue to do what you have to do and do exactly what the court asks of you. Don’t give up on trying to get more visitation. The State of California is all about the encouragement of both parents being a part of the childrens lives.
Also, at your next court date, you should ask that your case be referred to Family Court Services (mediation). That way, a court mediator will speak with the girls, you and your ex and they will be able to determine if your visitation is being hindered and what affect it is having on your children. 99% of the time, the court will make their orders in conjunction with what the court mediator’s recommendations are.
Keep us posted on your progress.
Diane