Divorce and Befriending Your Child
January 2, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under parenting
In the 21st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent. Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them. In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved. Parents are not parenting. Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being. Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families. I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options. It’s utterly ridiculous. Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.
For example, I recently read a news story about a parent who even allowed their underage teen to throw a party for other underage teens and even provided alcohol for the teens because it was their belief that the teens would be safer drinking it at their home under their supervision. Some of the teens then left the party and decided to throw small boulders off of an overpass into oncoming traffic, injuring and almost killing the motorists being subjected to such behavior. When questioned by the police and given alcohol testing, they explained that they had been at a party at a friend’s home where the parent provided the alcohol. The parent’s behavior in this situation not only teaches a bad example of parenting but inevitably hurt their child and other children involved in this situation.
As stated above, another situation that is not uncommon in the modern family is that of a parent who confides in his/her child about everything related to their divorce. Usually, the non-custodial parent is on the receiving end of the chaos that this type of confusion can cause. The other person harmed is the child. Children do not need to know about all the pain your ex-spouse caused you. They do not need to know how much child support he/she may or may not have paid. They do not need to know all of their other parent’s personal business, their faults or their imperfections. When one confides in a child about this type of information, while they think that they are securing their place in their child’s life, they are really only accomplishing the exact opposite. A lot of the times, these types of parents will allow their children to see them frequently cry so that they (the children) will feel responsible for their parent’s happiness. In essence, they are making their child feel guilty, insecure and unworthy because no matter what that other parent has done or not done, the child shared between them is a part of both of them. Does a parent do this on purpose one might ask? I don’t think that is always the case, however, I do feel that there are those few that do completely understand what they are doing. They use their children. The age old adage applies here, “children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in” and not only do they become a product of the insecurity you are teaching them, they also become rebellious. Hence, in the end, you have to try harder to be their parent because you have actually made them feel as if they are equal.
Remember, all of your feelings are okay – how you act upon those feelings are not. Be a parent, not a friend. When your children are grown, there will be plenty of time to be their parent and their friend. BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this issue. Do you think it’s okay to be your child’s friend? Do you think it’s appropriate? Or, is your stand that a parent is just that a parent and should remain firm in that role? I invite your comments and dialogue.
Di
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Diane, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Parents should not be friends to their children. If you put yourself on a peer level with your child, it then becomes difficult to discipline and enforce rules because friends don’t do that, parents do.
My husband’s ex-wife is a perfect example of this. In her efforts to be a cool parent, she lost control over my stepdaughter (SD). SD has learned to use her mother to get what she wants, but dismissives her otherwise when it comes to rules and respect. That attitude is now directed at every adult in her life. At 18 now, she has turned into someone I do not like, because she hasn’t had a firm hand disciplining and guiding her through her teen years into adulthood and is selfish and manipulative and focused entirely on what she can get from people.
There is only so much a non-custodial parent can do when the child is with them very infrequently.
I’d be curious to know if a custodial mother being a friend impacts kids differently based on gender.
Katherine:
Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I totally agree with you as well, there is plenty of time in the future, when children are grown, to share a friendship. While parents are rearing their children and they happen to fall into this trap, children end up feeling as if they are equal with their parents and they pretty much feel as if they can treat their parents any kind of way. I have seen it many times. I have a co-worker that the scenario you described is happening now and it is a custodial mother and her son. He has absolutely no respect for her because she was too worried about being the “cool mom.” So to answer your question, I think it goes both ways (gender speaking).
Again, thank you for stopping by and feel free to come back and comment any time! I enjoy your input.
Di
Hi again!
Thinking more on this, although the ex has been the cool parent, it didn’t have a noticeable impact on the character of my two stepsons. Sure, their house has always been the hangout, kids coming and going constantly, no structure or order, but they’ve never developed the attitude that SD has.
Something that crossed my mind later today is wondering if my presence in the kids lives affected the ex’s parenting of SD at all. I’m 12 years younger than she is, so I wonder if her efforts at “coolness” were in any way to compensate for a perceived threat from me – to make sure SD liked her more?
Absolutely. I am sure that her insecurity played a major role in her decision early on to befriend her daughter as opposed to parenting her. She probably feared you would take her place somehow. That maybe you would become a better friend to her daughter and that she would somehow lose her. Unfortunately, those same insecurities led her to befriend her child and that then led to doing more harm than good with your SD by your description of her current actions. One of the main reasons I wrote this article is because your story is like so many that I have heard before from parents. It becomes relatively hard for a child, tween or teen to take their proper place after they have been allowed to think and act on the same level as their parents.
Stay tuned Katherine, as I will be writing another post here in the next week or so with tips on handling these types of situations with your children and step-children. Thank you so much for giving me such thought-provoking comments.
Di
The distinction between parenting and friendship with our kids is critical.
Let me start off by saying during my chaotic time of emotional distress during the ugliest phase of my divorce, I made certain disclosures about money and feelings about my ex to my kids that I shouldnt have. This was not typical for me. I was just such a mess at the time and my judgement was skewed. These were mistakes.
Rewind to a healthier time when I was functioning as a parent in our then intact family… and Fast Forward to today when a great deal of healing has taken place and much water has passed under the bridge… I draw a clear line between friend and parent.
I am a friend with my kids in the sense that I have fun with them. I am one of the go-to people in their lives. I am approachable and will always listen and they know it.
It is essential to remain the parent though in the sense that we are the leader and example. It is ok for us to have weaknesses and it is ok if they catch glimpses of them. We should not however openly share them openly and repeatedly with our kids. They are looking to us for strength and guidance. We are the captains of their ships and the waters are stormy out there. Culturally, emotionally, economically, relationally, and health/safety-wise.
More than ever, it is essential that we as parents and adults have our own communities of support for being strong parents and adults in today’s world. Our kids should not be part of that support group. For me, I have my wife, many trusted/mature friends, and my 12-step groups. I also do a lot of reading and blogging. And most importantly, I have a tangible relationship with God as I understand him.
From these resources I draw my strength, share my fears and feelings, learn and grow. So I can then take the strengths and BE the parent to my kids and step kids.
Children can sense on many different levels the stability of a healthy parent who leads rather than buddies their kids. I believe we are there to be their rock that they can anchor to. We dont have to buy or win their favour by being their buddy. Friend? Yes. Buddy? No.
By that I mean that we are friends with our kids in that we are approachable, likeable, interactable, trustworthy, and fun. I distinguish that from being buddies in that we do not give full disclosure of issues of our adult life, intimate feelings, weaknesses, fears, and we do not try to unduly win their favour by giving them things like booze (as per the example in the original post) or lavish them with stuff.
Stuff won’t help them become a functioning person in or society. If we lavish them in an effort to be their buddies, they will sense the weakness in this. Maybe not now, and maybe not on a conscious level, but they will know something isnt right. We will be teaching them weakness in doing so. Or as Di put it…
“children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in”
Learning happens by what they repeatedly see, hear, experience and sense on subconscious levels in a variety of circumstances. So our main job is just to BE mature, strong, wise, responsibe parents first.
If we can add approachabilty and fun on top of that, then in this sense we can be their friends.
My take anyway.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
Great analogy. Friend vs. Buddy. I agree, being approachable is absolutely necessary, however, like you mentioned above about being the captain, and as the old saying goes, not everyone can navigate the ship, especially your children. Children, whether they are being bratty, hard to deal with, disrespectful, etc. all want boundaries whether they know it or not. They need discipline and rules. I more than absolutely agree that parents should confide in either their spouses or their adult friends when it comes to issues that children should not be a part of. It is unhealthy for parents to assume that their children need to know all of their business and a lot of divorced parents think that this is a way to secure their identity with their children if they involve them in every aspect of their life, including parenting. They make the children involved feel responsible for their parents feelings. Like Katherine described above, the bio mom in her family lost complete control of her daughter after trying for so long to be the “cool parent.” As you stated, our role is to be a stable provider not just financially but emotionally as well for our children. We are the teachers and they are the students. As long as we stay on our job, what they learn from us will either take them down the path of success, or down the road of failure.
As always, Chaz, thank you so much for your valuable insight.