Divorce After 50 is On the Rise
January 19, 2010 by motherof3girls
Filed under Daily Dose
AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) conducted a study regarding divorce after the age of 50. Elizabeth Enright wrote an article delving into this study which was featured in AARP magazine for July/August of 2004. She writes “Divorce over 50 is on the rise. Women do the walking. Men don’t see it coming.”
Many individuals stay in a marriage for the children. They wait until the kids are grown then they make their move. Elizabeth Enright states that women often recognize the danger signs of a problem marriage earlier than men do. She goes on to say that one is more likely to leave a marriage earlier in proceeding marriages if they have been through a divorce before. In the AARP study 66 percent of women initiated the divorce after the age of 50 as opposed to 44 percent of men. This study also found that the men stayed in an unhappy marriage for the kids and the women stayed because of financial worry.
58 percent of men stayed for the kids whereas only 37 percent of women stayed for the kids. This isn’t a knock on the women by any means. These numbers reveal a very hard unwritten truth among men: “Why do men worry more about the children than women do? Because women take for granted that they’ll stay close to the kids. Most experts agree that men of all ages have more to lose in a divorce, especially when it comes to children. According to our survey, 42 percent of the men said that their worst fears after the divorce involved their children, with most of these men worrying they’d lose contact with their kids. In comparison, only 15 percent of women had these fears. “For men, it’s a well-founded fear,” says Vetrano, who lectures on elder divorce law nationally. “Men lose their children a lot.”
All of this brings up an interesting perspective that, at 34 with three kids under the age of 18, I hadn’t thought of prior to reading this article. I am fascinated by these statistics and would love to know how you, our readers, feel about this topic. What are your feelings on this personally? Do you have first hand experience (man or woman) with a divorce after the age of 50? Did you stay just for you kids? If so or if not, then why? Please share your views as we would love to expound on this growing epidemic as proven from the article above. To view this article in its entirety CLICK HERE.
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Increase in over-50 divorce does not surprise me. It is simply rampant. And there are fewer and fewer barriers to divorce in spite of more and more options to work through difficulties in marriages.
Frankly, few people even flinch anymore at the news of a couple divorcing. Even in groups that traditionally were pro-marriage like church groups. Divorce rates are not much different.
I hate to sound selfish in saying that I have chosen to focus on the one marriage I can have the most effect on… mine. I do not prostheletize the sanctity of marriage anymore. I would rather just live a happy and functioning marriage and let that draw others to ask what works for us.
Not to say for a second I dont care. I to does break my heart when a marriage goes off the rails. Especially if kids are involved. I believe deeply that kids suffer far more than what we realize in a divorce. I think increased rates of youth and teen violence, depression, suicide, and pregnancy are pretty telling of the impact of the devaluation of the family through ease and frequency of divorce.
The snowball is rolling pretty fast and is gathering a lot more snow, speed, and momentum all the time. Personally, I think one day there will be a widespread and rude awakening about the impacts of divorce. And perhaps marriage-saving and marriage-turnaround will come into vogue. Just as divorce seems to have over the past 3 decades or so.
So I will do my part by loving my wife, making the best choices possible in my marriage, and offering the hand of concern and assistance to anyone who wants to reach back. No matter what age.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
You made some really good points, especially about how society no longer seems to flinch at our increasing divorce rate. Additionally, divorce is hard on children, but statistically, what has had more effect on the rising rates of teen violence, depression, suicide and pregnancy is not only divorce, but also marriages (with children involved) in which the parents are fighting all the time, bitter and overall, completely dysfunctional. Also, statistics have proven that children can thrive in divorces where both parents make sure not to create loyalty binds and encourage and support the relationship with both parents. Children want happy co-operative parents no matter where they reside. What they don’t want are parents who fight all the time, no matter where they reside. This is why it is so important to focus on the married couple in today’s society. It’s important to give them tools and resources to help them communicate better; tools to help them work out any issues before irreparable damage has occurred; remind them to keep it hot and spicy; remind them that challenges are normal and it doesn’t mean that they are doomed to fail; and overall, give married couples the support they need to thrive and be happy. If marriages aren’t the first priority, then the family will fail…period. If mom and dad aren’t happy, they can’t make the kids happy, no matter how hard they try. If mom and dad aren’t on the same page, then they can parent correctly, whether it’s a bi-nuclear or stepfamily.
As always, thanks for your insight!
*Kela*
Hey Kela…
A side point. You mentioned kids witnessing parents fighting, etc. I can’t imagine that this has changed much over the years. I highly doubt if there were ever a day when couples got along any more or less. I doubt there was ever an era of marital bliss.
If anything, marital fighting has probably softened somewhat given that exiting the marriage is now acceptable, particularly if there is perpetual conflict and especially if there is violence.
It was only a generation ago that marital violence was tolerated or kept in the closet. And who a generation ago or longer ever thought of the notion of “Emotional abuse”? Yet I am sure it happened throughout history but people just put up with it.
There was a popular radio show back in probably the 40s or 50s called, “The Bickersons”. It is frankly hilarious. I have heard spots of it on an oldies station. Am sure Youtube is a good source of old recordings.
It is about a couple who continually and brutally bicker. There is a link to an ad pic here… http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/7c/Amechelangford.jpg
Note the angry and hostile expressions in this otherwise comical picture.
My point is that there is little new under the sun. I presume The Bickersons radio show was a parody of real life marital strife. And why would people find it funny if it was not rooted in relevance?
And I guess my further point is that I can only presume… and I have nothing statistical to back this up…. but I can only presume that since tolerance for hostility and violence has gone down, that perhaps kids see less of it in their intact families. People just dont stick around for this as much anymore.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I agree that children in this day and age see less violence than in the 40’s and 50’s; however, my statistics regarding children in unhappy intact homes in which their parents argue all the time, had nothing to do with violence. There are many intact families where mom and dad simply do not get along, but stick it out for the kids. For example, there is no communication; dad has been sleeping on the couch for 5 years; they snap at each other all the time; and overall, you could cut the tension with a knife when you’re in the room with them. Statistics have shown that these types of situations have an effect on the children. From cutting to promiscuous behavior and acting out in school, these kids are affected by their unhappy intact families. Parents don’t have to be hitting each other for them to be affected. On the other hand, statistics have shown that children of divorce, whose parents are co-operative, don’t create loyalty binds and encourage their relationships with their respective new families THRIVE! It just proves that children want parents who make every effort to get along and co-parent effectively, be it intact or stepfamilies.
Warmly,
*Kela*
Kela…. I dont doubt what you have found out in the stats. I suppose I just find it hard to imagine and I havent often seen people staying together with prolonged tension in the air. I have seen so, so, sooooooo, man marriage come apart over that or less. It doesnt take physical violence. Perhaps my experiences are not a representative sample.
I will say this… I strongly believe my first wife packed it in because she was affraid that she may end up with what her mother had. She had often said to me that she hated the way her father treated her mother and he was so lucky to have a loyal woman like her who put up with his demanding and disrespectful ways.
When our marriage got to the point where she felt we were not relating in the happy and healthy way that we did in the first several years, she may have felt that we were on the pathway to what she saw in her parents and packed it in.
In saying this, I do not put the blame on them. I admit that we had come to a place where we took each other for granted and the level of involvement and intimacy was fading. We were both so tied up in kids, famiy, work, finances, and I was unknowingly dealing with depression. We lost our connection and started treating each other poorly. And poof. One day she quit. And moved on to another man. And to a large degree, I set her up for it.
I say all of this to say first off that my experince has been that people pack it in for many far “softer” reasons than abuse and infidelity. Today it is ok to leave because you are “not happy anymore”. So I find it hard to see that people stay together unders such tension.
And certainly, I agree that kids with amicable divorced parents are more apt to be modeled decent, mature, functioning relationship behaviour than bickering, tense, hostile parents who are still together.
I am trying to provide this for my kids and I suppose slowly things are getting better. They are also being modeled… or at least we try…. a functioning, happy marriage between my Wife and I. I know they are happy for us, happy to be around us, and great friends with my wife.
Not sure what goes on at the other house. Who knows.
After a bad falling out with my ex and her new guy a couple years ago, I determined to be amicable no matter what. And to the best of my ability, I do behave this way to them. They do not reciprocate but that is their issue.
Oh well. Just doing what I can.
Ciao.
Chaz
Hey Chaz,
I completely agree with you. These couples don’t tend to stay together, but unfortunately they stay together long enough for their kids to witness their hostility toward each other. And some stay together longer than that, for the sake of the kids, which is what the entire article was about. It’s also unfortunate that these same parents remain bitter and hostile after the divorce (I would imagine it’s because it built up during the years they were married) and continue to harm their children. I am hoping that educational and informational resources such as this very site will help make our families better.
As always, thanks for giving us something to think about!
*Kela*
I loved reading both of your comments on this Chaz and Kela. My neighbor’s in his 60’s, decided to separate from his wife (haven’t actually divorced yet - but is in the works) after 45 years of marriage, 3 children, several grandchildren and great-grandchildren. About 10 years ago, they were awarded custody of their two young grandchildren due to one of their daughter’s constant drug abuse. One day, the husband decided that his daughter was more important to him than his wife. He informed his wife of 45 years that he had purchased a new home, in a new town over 100 miles away, and left her with no income to raise these grandchildren alone. Needless to say, the daughter he so believed in has since had 2 more children, both born on drugs and taken away by the state and put in foster care, and he still feels his choice to leave his wife was the right one. So, all in all, the statistic the author stated above holds true for this example. More than likely, this gentleman was unhappy for a long time in his marriage, but held on for the sake of the children.
Di
I guess important to draw a distinction between…
“hanging in for the sake of the children” (meaning at status quo in the ongoing hostility)
versus
“making it work with consideration to the fact that we are responsible for the childrens’ wellbeing so we will use that as one reason to find the best solutions possible to save our marriage and make it happy again”. (ok a little wordy).
If parents are being hostile, it stands to reason that at least one is being selfish and immature in some way does it not? If this is the case, is a choice not being made, whether knowingly or not, to maintain immature, selfish behaviour at the expense of the kids?
Put me down for a yes.
Many of us tend to be dismissive of Dr. Phil as being a shallow celeb TV Dr. To me, he has one salient point that had been his tag line for years… Get Real! As a society, we adults really need to give our heads a shake and realize how our selfish immaturities are harming our kids.
I am not pointing the finger. I have been selfish/immature, and I have experienced growth at a great cost and pain. And growth never ends.
My heart hurts for the kids who are perpetually hurt by parents hostility. Mine included. They deserve so much more.
Adult…. about time we started acting like…. adults.
Ciao.
Chaz
My wife initiated divorce after 25 years of marriage (because of family inheritance issues/control). I didn’t see it coming… I believed we could work it out - I was wrong. Funny thing… I missed her at first but eventually realized it cost her in the eyes of our children - they saw who initiated it, who tried to work it out, who waged war, made false allegations, etc. and who lives in a house vs who had to move to a small apartment. My two adult sons are extremely gun shy of marriage after seeing what the family court system and their mom did to me. Marriage is about love, divorce is about money/custody. While I’m concerned my two sons are gunshy of marriage, I’m glad they see it for what it is… a legal contract that gives the state unmitigated power over your finances, children, retirement, standard of living, etc. Nowdays women feel they have the right to be happy all the time and if they aren’t it’s their husband’s fault and they divorce him… how naive, immature and selfish is that? Funny thing is, it never occured to her I wasn’t happy many times during our marriage but didn’t consider divorce as a solution - I’ve discovered most women who file are “me monkeys” who believe the world revolves around them and “their wants”… notice I said wants, not needs.
I whole heartedly agree with you when you say; “women feel they have the right to be happy all the time.” I, however, am going to take it a step further and say people in general, husbands and wives, feel that a marriage is supposed to be blissful all the time. When they encounter obstacles, because they’ve set those unrealistic expectations, they crumble and think that divorce is the only option. It is extremely naive to think that marriage or life for that matter, works this way; it doesn’t. The truth of the matter is that marriage is about two people loving and supporting each other as they move through situations in their lives that will evoke a wealth of emotions; happiness, sadness, anger, depression…a married couple is bound to experience many, if not all of these during their marriage. Additionally, both parties in the marriage must realize that your spouse is not and simply cannot be responsible for your happiness. If you view your marriage this way, then you’re right, when you aren’t happy, you’ll blame the other person and opt for divorce.
Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for stopping by!
Kela