Super Stepmom Syndrome
January 16, 2010 by admin
Filed under Stepfamilies
I was watching Dr. Phil the other day; a show about overwhelmed moms. They talked about everything from discipline to co-sleeping to the expectation of having to do it all as moms. One mom confessed, “Most days I hate being a mom and just want to run away.” Dr. Phil replied with this question, “How many of you moms in the audience can relate to this mom, please stand up?” The entire audience of women stood up. Dr. Phil then assured her that she was definitely not alone and proceeded to tell her that she needed to learn when to let go, allow her husband to assume more responsibility and take some time for herself. He assured her that the world or her family would not fall apart if she did those things as we all have to recharge our systems, from time to time, in order to maintain our sanity. “Children need a mother, not a martyr,” he said.
Dr. Phil is right. It certainly isn’t uncommon for many moms to feel overwhelmed and at times, feel like hanging a “FOR SALE BY OWNER” sign on their children’s chests and place them in the driveway. As moms, we often do feel the need to do all and be all for and to everyone. Our emotions cause us to go overboard in wanting everyone to be okay that we often times allow those emotions to guide our decision making. In the process, we neglect to take time for ourselves. Can all of you moms out there relate to what I’m saying?
Now here’s a thought: STEPMOMS OFTEN FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY, except the feeling is magnified times 10! Stepmothers feel the pressure and expectations from all angles; their husband, his kids, the ex-spouse and her kids as well (if she has any). As a result, some have a tendency to react to the emotional stresses within the stepfamily by becoming over-involved. It’s called the Super Stepmom Syndrome.
Stepmothers who suffer from Super Stepmom Syndrome step into the marriage trying to do it all. She wants his kids to automatically love her; the ex-wife to be her best friend; her husband to realize what a fabulous mother she is to his kids and EVERYONE to be one big happy family. She wants to be involved in every single aspect of her husband and his kids’ lives. She doesn’t want to be left out of any decision, whether it directly affects her or not and she wants to be recognized for being the mother of the year; the one who is keeping the family together and at peace. Her intentions are good, but she can be just as forceful and intrusive as an intrusive and forceful ex-wife!
Super stepmoms need to first learn that they are no more entitled to every single area of their stepchildren’s lives than the ex-wife is. There are certain decisions that will not require your input. For example, you are not automatically entitled to be at every single parent teacher conference just because you are married to your stepchildren’s father. If you are invited, then that’s fine. But if not, don’t push your way in because you think you’re the new sheriff in town. Your spouse can inform you of anything that you need to know regarding the conference. Otherwise, let the biological parents handle that situation.
The next thing super stepmoms need to learn is how to relax and the art of when to make a point, and when it’s not necessary to do so. For example, if your husband invites you to that school conference, but his ex-spouse has a major problem with it, then step back because it’s not a battle that you just HAVE to fight. It’s the super stepmom’s insecurities that make her prone to fight for that sense of control. She might fear that if she isn’t involved in every single decision with her husband and his ex-spouse that her husband might do something stupid; something that she might not be able to live with. Additionally, she might even fear that she might wind up looking like the bad guy if she doesn’t prove that she loves her husband’s kids, and therefore wants to be involved in every aspect of their lives. All of these misguided fears and insecurities often end up backfiring and causing her a significant amount of undue stress.
Just like those moms on Dr. Phil, super stepmoms need to realize that you don’t have to be everything to everyone in order to prove your love or keep an illusion of control. It’s healthy to just focus on yourself sometimes, and the more issues that you can let go of and allow the biological parents to handle, the better you will be for your stepfamily. Like Dr. Phil said, children need a mother/parental figure, not a martyr. Letting go and stepping back, in certain areas, doesn’t mean that you are a horrible step-parent. Remember, that every parent, including step-parents, need to recharge, from time to time in order to maintain their sanity. Ericka Lutz, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting, offered some great tips for the super stepmom in her book.
- Don’t take over.
- Don’t try to do and be everything; you’ll only fail.
- Try to do less and you’ll achieve more.
- Be a duck and let society’s expectations roll off your back like water. Nobody out there knows the reality of your life.
- Work to build a relationship with your stepchildren. Don’t pretend like there’s a wonderful relationship when there’s not.
- You cannot change EVERYTHING.
- In certain areas, remember that you might have some influence, but no control.
Relax, relate and realize that learning the art of letting go can be a huge stress reliever. Work on building trust with your spouse so that you can allow him to handle areas in which your involvement is not required, instead of trying to control handle every situation. You will find that it enables you to be who you NEED to be, not who you or society thinks you HAVE to be in your stepfamily, without losing yourself in the process.
Our certified stepfamily coaches/counselors focus ONLY on all issues of divorce, remarriage and the step/blended family. Whether you just got a divorce and are in need of a co-parenting plan, are about to get remarried and are in need of an entry play or are currently immersed in your blended family and are in need of a recovery plan, we can help. For a consultation, please send an email to counseling@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
On Saturday, September 25, from 10 AM to 1 PM, Wednedsay Martin, author of Stepmonster and Rachelle Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother, will be giving a workshop for stepmothers. The event will be held in NYC, at the Parkside Lounge of the Westside YMCA and costs $75 in advance and $95 at the door.
If you are a modern mom in the NYC, mental health professional, family law attorney, girlfriend of a man with kids or a divorced dad who wants to improve his relationship with his girlfriend or wife, I highly suggest you attend. For more information, please email rachelle.katz@gmail.com.
I know of many mothers and step mothers who feel they need to do it all. I hear a lot of comparisons made of themselves to others they observe. And unfortunately the comparison is not to what they know of other mothers, but what they think.
In my experience, every mother “loses it” from time to time when the kids are acting up. Every mother questions their value and ability as a mother. Every mother worries that they are not doing all they can. Every mother compares themselves in a self-critical way.
Now these are not always to dangerous or harmful degrees. My point is simply that I have heard it over and over. My kids are now all in their teens. I have been hearing and seeing these things since they were babies by their mother and the mothers of other kids of the same generation.
So I hope there is some solace in the fact that it is at least typical. I have also observed that many mothers are happy to share their burdens with other mothers who can relate.
My step son has special needs. I have never seen anything like the bonding in a dialogue between mothers of children with special needs. They all empathise and support. None criticize or judge.
I think the unanimous stand-up of mothers in the Dr. Phil audience is pretty telling of this point.
Mothers and step mothers, give yourselves a break. You are probably doing a lot better than you think.
Ciao.
Chaz
I seriously appreciate this article. I have been a stepmother to a 7 year-old daughter and am a new mother of a 6 month-old son. I have found myself surfing the web a lot lately for guidance and have been pretty disappointed. I am finding that there really isn’t a lot of research out there on how to cope with all of the responsibilities/stresses associated with being a stepmother. It is ironic to me, personally, because I grew up having a stepmother between the ages 5-12yo. I thought that I would be more compassionate than I am finding that I am. I am totally overwhelmed by the situation and feel as though my husband just doesn’t want to hear it. Everyone says “I knew what I was getting myself into.” They are clueless! I was clueless! I find myself cycling between trying to be the perfect stepmother/wife/mother, to completely giving up and just focusing on me and my son. Being a stepmother is truly a unique and extremely challenging role.
Marcie,
I am so glad that you found the information helpful. I know from experience how difficult it can be to find that balance as a stepmother. Just as you said, it’s a challenge to figure out whether you need to be the perfect stepmother/wife/mother or just focus on yourself. What I want women to realize is that in order to be a good mother/stepmother/wife…you have to be good to yourself! Being good to yourself means setting healthy boundaries; learning how not to over exert yourself; learning to say NO and be okay with it; and most importantly, realizing that doing the aforementioned doesn’t make you a bad mother, stepmother, wife or person. It just makes you whole and better equipped to handle the challenges of step/motherhood and wifeyhood. Trust me, Marcie, it gets better once you learn to release those unrealistic expectations that society places on you and that stepmothers often place on themselves.
Thanks for stopping by! I wish you and your modern family the best of luck.
*Kela*
Hi,
I appreciate this post and was just wondering if anyone had any constructive advice about HOW to better handle being a stepmum?
I have a 10 year old stepson and 13 year old stepdaughter. My partner and I have a 4 month old son.
I’m 40 years old and my biological clock exploded last year. My partner didn’t want anymore children and I was in the process of going through IVF, using donor sperm, because I wanted to be a mother very much. My partner and I broke up through the process.
Because of complications, I had nearly four hours of abdominal surgery in order to prepare my body for IVF and during my recovery my partner decided he did want to have children with me and fortunately I got pregnant right away. Unfortunately, he changed his mind about wanting to have a family with me but I was already pregnant.
Although I had a dream pregnancy and subsequently gave birth to a very happy, healthy little boy, homelife has been very upsetting and stressful. We have tried to make it work and are still together however I’m really struggling with the whole ‘blended family’ situation.
His two older children are his main priority, which I completely respect and understand, but I would appreciate some input as to where my son and I are supposed to fit in to all of this?
What are some tools people have used to make a happy life from such a bad start? How do my partner and I make a life for ourselves that is not always in constant conflict about his kids? (They are reasonably good kids and although I have a lovely relationship with the 13 year old girl, I sincerely struggle to love/like his 10 year old boy.) I appreciate they have a rough trot not having Mum and Dad together however the boy plays on this and his behaviour and attitude is difficult to live with the majority of the time. Please be aware I try and be understanding, compassionate and loving towards them but inside I’m feeling resentful and wondering how I got myself into this mess!
This is all coupled with the fact that I’ve been told I might be suffering from PND and I’m in the process of seeking medical attention to manage this. Whereas I used to go into reclusion previously when I was depressed, this is not an option anymore because there is nowhere to go and I will be damned if I allow children to be submitted to some ‘depressed crazy lady’ in their own home. We have them one week on, one week off and when the kids are here we play happy families and put off talking about or coping with ‘my condition’ until the week they are not here.
My partner is at a loss to know what to do with me and we’re both miserable. (We don’t get the kids until tomorrow so my partner has left me at home for the day to sort my head out before the kids get here and the week starts all over again.)
Some tips would be greatly appreciated.
Regards,
A
Hi Adrienne,
Thanks for stopping by! Your situation is a complicated one, but not uncommon so you shouldn’t feel alone. As a stepfamily counselor and stepmother, I would suggest that you and your husband get some marital counseling from a therapist who is qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. That being said, the advice that I would offer right now is to work on your marriage. By fixing the communication issues that you and your husband are obviously plagued with, you will in turn make your family stronger. What you can do is perhaps change your approach. Instead of approaching your husband as if he’s the villian and you’re the victim, approach him with the mindset of collaboration, not confrontation. Don’t tell him that you feel as if his kids are his priority and you don’t know where you and your son fit in. Instead, express to him that you want to make your marriage and family stronger and you think that you might need a third party to help you get there. Use “we’re in this together” language instead of “we’re against each other” language. You will be surprised at how simply changing your approach can open up feelings of understanding, thereby changing the direction of the conversation.
Additionally, read some of our articles on Stepmothers. It provides many tips and testimonies regarding what you can do to protect your mental health. It starts by taking care of you and releasing responsibility to its rightful owner. When the kids come this week, instead of using the entire week to play “happy family” leave him with the kids and go get your nails done, go to a movie or spend a couple of hours with your girls. These are things that biological moms do and it’s okay and healthy for stepmothers to indulge themselves as well, even when it’s your husband’s weekend or week to have the kids. Finally, don’t give in to societal expectations of who a stepmother should be. You don’t have to be the fixer of all things. It’s enough for you to love your husband and support him in his dealings with his kids and his ex-wife, but you don’t have to take on all of their problems in order to be seen as a successful stepmother.
The best of luck to you and your family,
*Kela*
Thank you for this article. I got married 2 years ago to a full-time dad and we have a 10 year old little girl. She lives with us full time and goes to her mom every 2nd weekend. Her mother does not contribute anything financially and does not even call during the 2 week gap to speak to her. he is a very loving father and always has been which I have always found very attractive. His first priority is his little girl and we have set that out right from the start of our relationship. The challenge is that I am expected to be the parent but not treated or repected like one. He often says that I am quite strict with her but I can assure you that if she were my own child I would be even stricter. I have my own business and cover more than half of the monthly household expenses for the 3 of us. I drop her at school every day on my way to work and fetch her 2/3 afternoons at 4pm after work. On the days I fetch her I handle the homework, things needed for school etc. I make dinner every single night, handle the organising of her social and our social calendars, book her playdates and holiday camps etc etc. I know it is appreciated but very often I feel depressed (which I have never felt before) and taken for granted. I will never measure up to her biological mom even though I do more for her. In fact she has been living eith me longer than she lived with her mom. I cannot talk with him about the things that really upset me about the little one who is very indugled and disrepectful. All she has to do is flutter her eyelids and turn on the waterpipes (which she can do at wil) and she gets all the attention and sympathy she wants. He becomes very defensive if I ask him to speak to her about something or address an issue I have with her. Are there any statistics about what percentage of full time stepmothers are depressed? Are there any statistics about what percentage of full time stepmothers also have children of their own?
Thanks for stopping by Pisces. There are tons of stepmoms in your position; ones who feel taken for granted and under appreciated. Most continue with the behavior because they feel obligated to do so, and yes, there are too many who wind up on antidepressants because of it. However, most need to realize that they put themselves in that position and can remedy the problem by setting boundaries, establishing realistic expectations and more importantly, learning to say NO! I’ve heard many stepmothers say that they weren’t even sure that it was what their husbands expected them to do because they had never had an actual conversation about it. He never said “I expect you to make dinner every night, solely take care of my kids’ social calendar…So many stepmothers just assume that it is what they need to and should be doing in order to be a good stepmom. I encourage stepmoms not to fall into the super stepmom syndrome trap and instead, set boundaries and expectations for both your husband and his kids, early on. There is nothing wrong with telling your husband that you expect him to do certain things for his own kids. Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly okay for the stepmom to contribute to the family, but it should be a healthy contribution - not one where she bears all or most of the responsibility for kids who aren’t her own. More importantly, when you need a time out, take one and do it without guilt!
Check out this article on Protecting the Stepmother’s Mental Health for more helpful tips: http://www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/3016.
Warmly,
*Kela*