Relationship Communication 101
January 21, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under Love and Marriage
In all aspects of a relationship, whether that be in your marriage, your relationships with your children, your friends and even at your place of employment, there has to be a certain level of communication in order to avoid conflict and to sustain healthy relationships. Simply put, without communication, there is no real relationship.
With that being said, communicating isn’t always that simple, even among people who may have lots in common and share the same views. This is because to err is human and we all make mistakes. There are several mistakes that people make when communicating, which in turn can cause a great conversation to get ugly rather quickly:
1. Aggressive communication to impress outsiders. Frequently, people will make the mistake of trying to get their point across by trying to over-talk the other party and making the contents of their communication known to all those around in order to convince people to take sides.
2. Misinterpretation. You take every thing your spouse is trying to say to you and misinterpret it. For example, your spouse initiates a conversation about good discipline within your modern family and you twist it by thinking he is attacking your personal parenting skills. You then let him have it and both of you are frustrated and upset.
3. Communicating but not hearing. You don’t like, and have no interest in the subject in which your spouse or loved one is trying to communicate with you about so you purposely put them on “mute-mode.” At that point, you aren’t paying any real attention to the conversation at all. End result — no communication at all.
Some helpful tips to alleviate these problems with communication include:
- Attentive listening. Paying active attention to the conversation and showing real interest shows great respect for the person you are communicating with. It is very satisfying for a spouse to know that they are being not only listened to, but heard as well. True listening allows you to feel and understand your spouse or loved one’s needs and feelings.
- Use non-accusatory language. When addressing problems or issues between you and your loved one, begin the conversation by removing the world “You.” The word “you” when used in conflicting conversation, can be taken as accusatory at times. Instead, start with “I feel” or “We.” Remember, a statement about your personal feelings is hard to challenge and therefore allows for less of a defensive reaction from the other communicator.
- Patience. Lastly, When you are angry, misguided or have misinterpreted something with your spouse or loved one, sometimes it is best to leave certain things unsaid for that moment. When things cool down and you, your spouse and/or loved one is more approachable, then you can revisit that concern. But, for the time being, let it go.
Good communication is one of the keys to building any successful relationship whether that relationship be at home with modern family, at school with your friends and teachers or in your marriage as well.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
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I spend a lot of time thinking (or perhaps OVERthinking) the things I say, particularly in my marriage. Basically, the way I look at it is what is best going to get me what I want? To me, it’s how I say something, why I’m saying it, and particularly when I’m saying it. I choose my words carefully, and think about how those words will be received and interpreted.
I don’t believe in lashing out in anger, saying things I don’t mean, might regret and can’t take back. I don’t want my words to get lost in the emotions that are coming out. I also like to consider whether my words are helping or hindering a situation.
I don’t discuss everything on my mind. A good girlfriend or my mom is oftentimes the target of what I’d really like to say to my husband. This helps me diffuse my feelings, sort through them, and get down to what I really want to address. I also do something I call “screaming in my head”, to keep my emotions in check when speaking with my husband, particularly when it comes to his kids. What I’d like to say to him and what I actually say to him are two different things.
It sounds like a lot of work, and it has been, but my communication style is becoming second-nature to me, and the payoff is huge. My style has also forced my husband to communicate differently, whether or not he is aware of it. If I’m not screaming at him, he’s not screaming at me. We can disagree and may have hurdles to overcome to get to a compromise, but it’s not hurtful in the process.
Katherine:
When I was young, my mother used to always say “think before you speak.” I whole-heartedly agree with you. Discussing issues during a heated exchanged very rarely gets your true point across because your emotions play such a huge role in your reactions. Another great point in communicating is being cognizant of how you are speaking to your spouse (i.e., are you talking “at” them or “to and with” them.)
As always, thank you for your thought-provoking comment!
Di
Is communication not what connects us? Is it not the link that forms a relationship? My take is yes.
I have tried to be in relationships without meaningful communication. It just doesnt work. You become two people co-existng in parallel in the same vacinity. But you are not functioning with any synergy. This describes experiences in my marriage, friendships, school, and work.
I am sure many of us have worked with othes who “don’t play well in the sandbox” with others. I recently worked with such a person. Virtually everything was his way only. Yet he was not in charge. And if it wasnt his way, he avoided involvement. There was no teamwork whatsoever. We worked in parallel and often against each other. Yet we were supposedly co-managing a sales team and department. It was pointless. But unfortunately we needed a couple of his specific skills so there was value in keeping him on. So I took another offer and moved on. No communication….no relationship… no team work… no point.
There is a book out called, “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team”. Basically documenting 5 observable team-busting behaviours. The team I left practiced all 5 of them. The two biggies for me were Absence of Trust and Fear of Conflict. These dysfunctions appear in marriages too. And any other pairing or grouping of people.
Funny how something so fundamental as communication is still a high-ranking issue in relational dysfunction.
My wife and I do our best to practice good communication. Including the points you make above. It is easy sometimes to not actually listen and connect. It is part of the taking for granted thing that we can all suffer from over time.
On the flip side, really communicating and hearing each other is the most amanzingly synergistic process for building intimacy. When we learn to really communicate and hear, see, and know our spouse, the connection and attraction is amazing. And, well… this sets the groundwork for other amazing things in a marriage too. Nudge-nudge.
Having communicated and not communicated in relationships, to me the question is, if we are not communicating, what were we hoping would keep the relationship together and functioning?
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
Amazing points! I totally agree. There is no “I” in team. I have also found a great sense of intimacy with my husband when I know that he is truly “hearing” me and my concerns and vice verse. I feel much closer to him and way more connected.
And, as you say, without communication, there is no functioning relationship. It just can’t work.
As always, thank you for your insightfulness. I always enjoy reading your comments.
Di
Di… I guess so many of us go back the fundamental self-centredness from which we as human beings came. I mean this manifests in our communication dysfunctions when we are more prone to wanting to be heard rather than hearing the other person.
Whether we see it as the basic self-centred “sin nature” as many religious theologies may suggest, or the “self-preservation” instinctual coding from an evolutionary standpoint, when we lack communication we are putting self first ahead of the relationship.
Which again begs the question…. if self is of greater importance, what is the point of a relationship? Is it to take from? Are we being parasitic in nature by hooking up with another person so we can draw from them what we feel we need and want? Scary huh?
Yet is this not how so many relationships go? Two people taking from one another? Not judging…. been there.
To quote St. Francis of Assisi…
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
Now this was what… 800 years ago that he wrote this? And we as a society are still fairly oblivious to it.
Wow eh? Not much new under the sun.
Glad some lights have come one. I’m with St. Francis (Frank to his friends)…. I hope to bring to my relationships a desire to understand more than to be understood.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
That quote was deeply beautiful. Inspires me to make even more of an effort to “understand” rather than to be “understood.” It’s about making the sacrifice to openly be an extension of your spouse, to step into their shoes, to listen and to feel what they need from you and to give of yourself so that you can openly receive the blessing of a truly sound relationship in return.
Thank you for sharing those amazing words above.
Di
Di…. can you imagine living by these ideals… and doing so from a position of strenth rahter than need?
I think an unfortunate thing that happens a lot is that when someone does in their life seek to be giving, they often end up getting used as a doormat.
But imagine bringing these principles of selflessness to a relationship with a foundation of strong self-worth and enough balance and maturity add value to the relationship in these ways. And not do so in a clingy desperate way?
Wow! Imagine two people really getting ahold of this. That would be quite a relationship.
What a thing to strive for!
Ciao.
Chaz
PREACH CHAZ!!
Well Di…
I guess I am kinda preaching. And I know it is to the choir.
Think about it. How many people strive for things in life that are hard to get, like wealth, fitness, fame. Yet their lives are a miserable disaster and their relationships suck or are grossly hurtful or dysfunctional… or dont exist at all.
Imagine pouring our energies into being the best person as we have been discussion above. And doing so in a genuine, healthy way. What a rare, yet amazing and powerful thing!? And what amazing foundational groundwork being an incredible “realtionshipist” would be to the rest of the areas of our lives.
I know that some much of my work success is attributable to what I learned in recovering in my relationships and rebuilding in a new marriage.
My wife just launched a new phase of her business that she often says she never would or could have done on her own. Now I am not bragging on me… we did it together. But it was a direct result of a functioning, synergistic, and authentic relationship. And she uses the same principles in dealing with staff, colleagues, and clients. And gets results.
And the same goes for parenting. We are enjoying things we never dreamed of in our parenting / step-parenting. And it all stems out of where our marriage is at. Dont let me give the wrong impression…. Far from perfect. But what is going well is incredible and has incredible impacts on other areas of our lives.
And to have a great marriage where you actually are fond of the other person and want to see them and be with them is amazing. This, I presume, is what marriage was meant to be.
I just can’t say enough of it. And if it took a blow up of my first marriage, and a lot of pain and mistakes to learn to become a better person who could function effectively in a relationship, then I would have to say it was worth it.
A great marriage is not fluffy fairtale stuff. It is powerful. Incredible.
ciao.
Chaz
Wow, Chaz!
You just provided our readers with a great example of what I mean by making your marriage a priority and I LOVE IT! You’re right, marriage is not fluffy fairytale stuff. It can be powerful and incredible, but with hard work. More importantly, once you are truly on the same page you will find that other areas of your life begin to come together, like parenting/step-parenting. Focusing on your marriage DOES NOT mean that you are neglecting your children/step-children. You are actually becoming stronger as a team so that you can be better parents! Thanks for sharing that with us, Chaz.
Warmly,
*Kela*
Chaz,
YES! I agree with Kela, what you said is not just true, but a fine example of how a true husband/wife team can have extreme success in not just their personal relationship but in life as well by focusing on the most important aspect: THEIR MARRIAGE.
I am so glad to have your insight and that you are so willing to share your experiences with us and our readers.
Thank you,
Di
Di and Kela….
Happy to pass along what has so freely been given to me.
This is one of the principles of life and recovery that blesses the giver and recipient. If I had only ever received teaching and guidance to benefit myself and my marriage, I would feel selfish.
To me, one of the catalysts of any piece of wise advice is to give it away after applying it to your own life. Not preach, share. Not require, suggest.
Sharing takes the effectiveness of truths learned and applied to a new level of internalization and outcome.
Thanks for all you do with this site. The topics are lively and relevant. The dialogue and guidance is wise and helpful. So thanks!
Ciao
Chaz
Chaz,
Just so you know, when I say “preach” I am saying it with all good intentions because what you are saying is so effective and needed to be heard. Something else you just said is so powerful…”giving away wise advice after receiving it and applying it to your own life.” Giving after receiving in order to bless someone else is a lesson most people never learn. Thank you.
Di… no problem… didnt mean to disect definitions… I think we are on same page.
Funny my wife said to me tonight that she has seen a notable difference in my mood in past several months for the positive (I have struggled with moodiness most of my life but gotten so, so, soooo much better), and we discussed what all may have contributed to the improvement.
We determined that the amount of sharing by way of in-person dialogues, phone calls, and blogging I do has likely been a big part of how I have managed to grow. This is what I mean by giving it away. But only after we have applied it to ourselves… otherwise would be meaningless and possibly hypocritical.
There is a well-known dialogue between Bill W (founder of AA) and his wife. It took place after weeks or months of Bill taking in drunks and working with them to get and stay sober. The effort got little to no results and Bill was disappointed and said to his wife that his efforts were not working because no drunks were staying sober. To which she replied, “But you are”.
This was first time in many years Bill W had been sober for any more than a few days and here he was sober for months. Even though what he was giving away was not getting any immediate results, the act of giving wholeheartedly blessed the giver.
I believe this is a powerful Universal law. It appears in most major religions. Call it Karma or the Law of Sowing and Reaping as the Bible puts it. They all observe the same law.
In my life, this is nothing to be taken lightly. I dont mean dont have fun with it. But realize it is extremely powerful and extremely effective in personal growth and achievement of any kind.
This to me is what preaching is. Sharing what you have received. Lovingly, liberally, and from a sincere heart that wants to give for the sake of giving.
Ciao.
Chaz
ABSOLUTELY!!!! Chaz, you have a great ability to uplift. That is why you see your life shifting because you have been unafraid to take the steps forward in your life and share what you have learned in the past so that others can benefit. God is blessing you!! And, I too, believe in Karma and the law of reaping what you sow. That point, along with the point about Bill, was extremely powerful to me.
Thank you for uplifting me!
Di