Negative Influences on Your Marriage
January 31, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under Love and Marriage
Ask yourself this question…”Do you allow outside friends, family members or even ex-partners/spouses influence your marriage or relationship? At times during any relationship, we all have weak moments where we allow drama to dictate the trials in our lives. Unfortunately, during those same times, outside influences will always try to wedge themselves between our relationships with, at times, shady advice and cloudy guidance.
In some relationships, one of the biggest problems with outside influences can be a person’s own family. Usually our parents and family feel that because they believe they always have our best interests at heart, they get the right to have an all access pass into our lives. Often times, they push themselves too far into our personal relationships with our mates and with our children, even to the extent of trying to raise our children. They want a say in every situation and every decision. I have even heard of family members who have actually advised their loved one that it’s time to end their relationship or marriage.
With all that being said, however, one might ask where does the real fault lie in this situation? My answer is simple. If you allow these outside influences to be the deal breaker in your relationship then you, as an individual, are completely at fault. If you personally allow an outside influence to become the demise of your relationship and you know for example that this particular person has their own personal issues and storms going on in their lives and further, you even know that they don’t really know what’s best for your family, then you have to personally take ownership for the stress this causes in your relationship.
One tip I like to give is to pay attention to the advice you get and who you get it from. Always ask yourself…”Is the person from whom I am seeking advice telling me the truth, or simply what I want to hear?” Also, just because a couple or person has been married for 25 years or in a steady relationship for a long period of time, doesn’t mean they are truly happy. For example, do not allow your parents’ relationship to be an indicator as to how you should handle your marriage, children or relationship. If someone really is committed to helping you, they wont enable you just because they love you. They will let you handle your own personal problems and relationship.
Here are some tips to keep outside influences out of your relationships:
- Instead of communicating about your problems with others, rely on each other and communicate together.
- Only take advice from couples or people you personally know have a strong, successful relationship. Or, in the alternative, seek a private counselor or pastor.
- Compromise until you find a solution. Try to find a happy medium when conflicts arise. It can’t always be your way or the highway.
- Surround yourselves with positive influences.
- Distance yourself from negative influences which cause conflict in your partnership.
- Understand your union. There will always be challenging times in any relationship. Communicating concerns, respecting and honoring your differences will allow you and your partner or spouse to understand one another, completely.
The most important people in your relationship are you and your partner. Eliminating negative outside influences will not only rid you of unnecessary stress, it will strengthen the bond within your relationship by leaps and bounds.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
Our certified stepfamily coaches/counselors focus ONLY on all issues of divorce, remarriage and the step/blended family. Whether you just got a divorce and are in need of a co-parenting plan, are about to get remarried and are in need of an entry play or are currently immersed in your blended family and are in need of a recovery plan, we can help. For a consultation, please send an email to counseling@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
Author Rob Flood credits the principle of first response for helping to change his attitude and heal his marriage. He says that the course of any conflict is determined by the responder, not the initiator. Remember, as the responder, you can choose how the conversation will go. Are you interested in being right, and being heard; or are you interesting in hearing your partner/spouse in order to resolve the conflict? If you both make concerted efforts to hear each other and then respond accordingly, you will discover that you'll be much better at resolving conflict.
This is superbly written, and I agree 100%. There are far too many outside influences these days - family, friends, work colleagues, social networking sites, the media etc etc. Whilst it’s sometimes helpful to get marriage advice from family and friends, the downside is that they are often not in a neutral position and can’t offer it objectively.
There are only two people that will determine whether a marriage is successful, but others can put a spanner in the works at any time.
LH,
Thank you for stopping by! I agree. It is often hard for family to be unbiased after one has confided in them (say for example an infidelity). Then, what usually happens is when you as a party to the situation decide to either “forgive” your spouse/partner or “look past” a mistake, etc. they vow to never be that lending ear again or to help you again. At times, relying on family/good friends as your support system for your marriage ends up being a double-edged sword and causes more confusion.
Another good point you made, social networking sites are great for just that…networking, but as of late, have had some serious effects on marriage and relationships. I have another good article in the works regarding this same subject. Be on the lookout and again, thanks for stopping by!
Di
This is such a simple thing yet so huge. I have experienced it both ways… with both positive and negative people in my relationships.
We often set ourselves up for failure by listening to or even being around the wrong people. It is widely believed that 90% of communicatin is non-verbal. If this indeed is the case, then even being in negative environments for prolonged periods can be damaging. Even if we know they are flawed and see the error in them.
I believe we absorb thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes on conscious and subconsious levels just by being around them. This would include:
…Being around conversations where there is spouse-bashing or suggestions of betrayal, selfishness or dishonesty.
…TV! How much of our “entertainment” that we fill our minds with suggests to us that certain negative things are ok? Such as dishonesty, betrayal, negative thinking toward family members? Then we wonder what happened when things fall apart.
…Parental and family role models. I believe this is huge. Bigger than it is often given credit for. I believe we have learned and been conditioned on levels we are often barely aware of about how to function in a relationship by being in the environment of our parents and family on a prolonged basis.
How many of us find ourselves one day being alarmingly similar to our parents regardless to how much we swore we wouldn’t be? (Chaz nods agreeingly). Why? Simple, its what we saw, heard, felt, experienced on all levels. It got programmed in whether we wanted it to or not.
If this were not the case, why do so many cheating spouses have backgrounds of their parents having cheated on one another. Or abusive spouses who were once abused or saw abuse in their home. Or alcholics?
The good news is that starting with awareness and some brutal honesty about the fact, we can re-program our thinking. It takes a lot of time, effort, and commitment, but we see success stories all around us for those who have had the lights come on and have been willing to do what it took to walk the journey.
Ciao.
Chaz
I hear you loud and clear Chaz! You’re right and my favorite quote is “children live what they learn.” Whether we like it or not, we can become a “product of our environments.” How many of us at the lunch counters at work have to sit and listen day in and day out to our co-workers and how terrible their marriages and family lives are. It can manifest itself all around us. However, one thing I have done to distance myself from negative influences at work is just simply by having lunch by myself. Once in a while, I will still go out with those same co-workers I describe above, but very rarely. And, you’re right, television is the biggest culprit! Let’s not even get started on how inappropriate some television shows are nowadays! I dream of the days gone by when we could turn on the tube for some good-ole fashioned wholesome, family-oriented television without all adversities accepted nowadays as the norm.
As always Chaz, thank you for your delightful insight!
Di
Hey Di… for sure. We live what we learn. And we were all kids once absorbing like sponges the influences around us.
Is it surprising at all that I grew up with an alcholic father and grandparents…. then swore I would never be like them. And despised their drinking behaivours…. yet by my late 30’s found myself in the same boat?
Or that my ex, who was resentful and devasted by betrayal by one of her parents in their marriage, ended up doing the same? I remember when she had found out as a young adult that her parent had had an affair years before when she was very little. She was angry. Devastated. Yet when 30-something showed up and life got complicated, which direction did she go?
Not do dissimilar than me turning to alcohol. What a pair eh?
I need no further convincing. Bad influence are… well… bad. Deep eh?
Ciao.
Chaz