Infidelity is No Longer Taboo
February 4, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under Love and Marriage
It’s all over the newspapers, ragmags and television. The child of John Edwards’ mistress is his daughter. Tiger Woods and his 14 “other women.” We can’t seem to escape the subject of infidelity in today’s marriages.
If you have experienced infidelity in your personal relationship or marriage, you’re not alone. Infidelity is one of the leading reasons for divorce, broken homes, domestic violence and disrupted children.
I recently read a fabulous book entitled “Why Men Cheat” written by Paul Blanchard. In his book, the statistics concerning men in particular are stunning. Most surveys taken put male infidelity at a figure above 60% with some studies showing that rate close to 75%. These same statistics show that although women cheat as well, they are at least twice as faithful as their male counterparts. Another stunning statistic is the rate among gay males. It has been estimated that over 90% of gay males in long-term relationships cheat on their partners.
Although the after effects of infidelity often leads to divorce, some partners/spouses are able to muddle their way through to an end result of a stronger marital bond. However, there are those instances where a partner or spouse learns to accept this type of behavior and the unfaithfulness continues.
According to Mr. Blanchard, only one out of every four men actually leave their wives for the other woman. This is not surprising to me. Most men do not cheat on their wives because they don’t love them. It is usually because they are missing something emotionally. Most people believe “men will be men” and that they will cheat because of their animalistic ways, but that is not true. I have talked to several men who have experienced infidelity and almost all of them said they loved their wives but that she couldn’t connect with them emotionally. This is definitely not a valid excuse, in my opinion; however, it is something that women need to be made more aware of. Mr. Blanchard goes on to say that the biggest myth believed by many is the idea that if a man is happily married, he will not cheat. Wrong again!
As Mr. Blanchard so eloquently states, “love is not a rational feeling. Sometimes it leads to pure happiness and other times it leads to pain. It is such a powerful emotion that it changes lives and perspectives.” My take from that is his reasoning for the above. People make irrational mistakes that lead to pain in marriages and relationships in general. It’s what we learn from those mistakes that matter in the end. Unfortunately, we have to learn that divorce may be the consequence, and fortunately for some, that mistake may lead to a stronger relationship if the right help is asserted.
The institute of marriage has been attacked by infidelity. Marriage has become less of a commitment and divorce has become an all too easy option. When we commit to our marriages and take our precious vows, we are supposed to be bound to our trust and to our loyalty to our unions. As has been often stated, marriage is hard work! Although the path through infidelity is a hard one to take, I believe that one can find restoration and healing through a renewed commitment to yourself and to your marriage as well as through communication and open counseling.
Let me put out my disclaimer to you readers that by all means, I am not encouraging anyone to stay in an unhealthy marriage. However, marriage is extremely personal to each individual and where immediately heading to divorce court might be good for one couple, it may not be the answer for the next.
My question would be…”What is your marriage worth to you?” TMF readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this very touchy subject. I welcome your thoughts and opinions.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
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If you are a modern mom in the NYC, mental health professional, family law attorney, girlfriend of a man with kids or a divorced dad who wants to improve his relationship with his girlfriend or wife, I highly suggest you attend. For more information, please email rachelle.katz@gmail.com.
So Di…. you are really baiting us with the topics these days! I gotta jump in on this one.
I agree that our culture is at a point where infidelity is largely viewed with an, “oh well” attitude. By that I mean the onlookers. Those in it or close to it feel something quite different. It is still devastating and life-impacting.
While there are numerous components, the one that come to mind right now is the prevalent notion of entitlement. I have experienced an, “I deserve to be happy, don’t I”? attitude by many. And a, “well I know it is wrong, BUT, they are happy together”.
May I be unedited for just a moment? What a bunch of lame, liberal, milk toast bullshit! Yes, we deserve to be happy. Stealing a Corvette or robbing a jewelry bank, if successfully done, will bring some happiness.
I used to be very happy when drunk or on cocaine. Would anyone argue that these are wise or safe pursuits of happiness? Or good examples to kids?
I think our society has somehow chosen to ignore the cost of some pursuits of happiness. We have a subjective set of morals… culturally that is. And those that speak up and say otherwise are often labeled extremists.
Yes, we have more depression, suicide, crime, drugs, incarceration, and youth problems than ever. Now I am doing my best not to judge anyone. I have made mistakes too. For this reason, I have taken serious measures to deal with my glaring errors and continue to do so. Yet my errors have still impacted many people and in ways I can never change.
Similarly, the actions of those who betray will impact those around them. I reacted so strongly to this behaviour by my now ex, I ended up seeking out drugs. Now this was not my only choice of what I could have done so I am not blaming her. I am just saying, it hurts. Big time. No, bigger than that. The impact defined my life for about 3 years until I got help.
I have known people to never get over the impact of betrayal. They often don’t know how. Or they commit suicide or do irreparable harm to themselves and others.
Just like there are alternatives to going out and drugging when you feel suicidal, there are alternatives to cheating if you are not happy in your marriage. More alternatives than ever. Counseling, courses, mentoring, blogging, support groups, marriage revival programs.
Cheating is probably the easiest of the alternatives. It takes, like you say, a lot of hard work to make a marriage work. But the rewards are like none other.
I have known a lot of tough guys and tough circumstances. I love to see people express how tough they really are by how they remain committed to their marriage, family, and healthy and moral pursuits of happiness. That don’t just benefit themselves in the short term, but benefit those around them for the long term.
That’s tough. But that’s where the good life is.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I love your thoughts! You are absolutely right. Where there is love, there is also pain. Not only has society chosen to ignore some costs in the pursuit of happiness, the effects on marriages who experience infidelity have become minimized. It’s become so common that people think it’s supposed to be natural…the “it happens to everyone” attitude has made it even more tough. And, you’re right, infidelity is the easy way out. I, like you, have experienced this pain personally in the past and you’re right, it hurts like hell and at times can cause people to make unhealthy choices that unfortunatley lead to their own detriment. In bringing light to the subject, I am hoping that our readers can read fabulous comments like yours and if they happen to be swaying that way, they might re-evaluate their decision at that moment. Thank you for being so thoughtful.
Di