I’ve talked a lot about the importance of maintaining healthy post-divorce relationships; not only with your children, but with each other. I firmly believe that children DESERVE parents who get along or at least make every effort to. As a result, I’ve been getting tons of emails from readers who claim to know the benefit of peacefully coexisting in order to co-parent effectively, but “the how” is what they lack the knowledge in. My answer is simple – JUST DO IT! You don’t have to be best friends or even friends; you just have to be civil for the sake of your children. Put your anger [of the past] away and concentrate on doing what’s best for your children instead of doing whatever gives you temporary satisfaction. Some of those same readers seem to be confused about the meaning of the word civil. Civil is not “mean mugging” each other during drop off and pick up. It’s not subtly bad-mouthing each other. And, it’s not communicating via morse code just to avoid actually speaking to each other. Get over yourself and be selfless enough to actually be civil, especially in front of your children. Be polite and learn to bite your tongue. Say hello, how are you and use the basic manners that you learned at age 5. These are things that you do every single day. Do you curse your boss out every time he or she makes you angry? What about the waitress at your favorite restaurant? Do you fly off the handle if she messes up your order? Probably not. So, I know that you can control your urge to slap your ex upside the head, too. It really is that simple. It might not be easy to do, but it’s that simple.
Before I get those comments saying “my ex is bipolar” or “my ex is an alcoholic”; let me assure you that I am not talking about those situations. I know it is difficult, sometimes impossible, to maintain a healthy relationship with these types of individuals. However, it is possible to disengage yourself from the battle. You don’t have to fight even if your ex is fighting with you.
Rule #1: Pick your battles! Life is just too short to stew over the past or fight about every little thing.
My brother taught me that sometimes it’s best to just say nothing at all. He used to burn me up when I would get so angry with him, and he would act like I wasn’t even there. But, eventually I would just move on because it’s hard to fight with someone that isn’t fighting back. In the end, you just end up looking stupid and no one wants to look stupid. Sometimes you just have to see it as that other person’s issue and move on! Let go of the past hurt for it’s the only way that you can move on. If you often find yourself consumed by anger, then you need to get some help! It’s never too late to do so. Only “fight” when you have to and don’t actually fight. Instead just communicate your concerns to your ex-spouse; which brings me to rule #2.
Rule #2: Voice your concerns to your ex-spouse!
Don’t automatically be ready to “go off.” Instead, just talk to him or her about your concerns. For example, I recently had an issue with my ex, and I must admit that I was ready to “go off.” I even contacted a lawyer; preparing to take his butt right back to court (yes, even I slip up at times). It’s completely natural to be overwhelmed with anger when someone pisses you off, especially your ex. After all, you’re divorced for a reason, right? But, I caught myself before bringing the matter to him in such a volatile and attacking way. I first led with a positive by telling him that I truly appreciate him being so open and willing to communicate with me about issues regarding our son. Then, I expressed my concern. He, of course, countered my concern, but I did the same to his. We had a disagreement and it’s probably going to happen a thousand times over because that’s what people do sometimes – disagree. It’s okay, so expect it. It’s how you handle those disagreements that matter. In the end, my ex and I talked it out and we worked it out; without fighting.
Rule #3: Practice basic manners.
Your children don’t need parents who can’t even say hi to each other when in the same room. Remember, although your involvement with your ex-spouse in regards to setting up visitation and child support will diminish when your children are grown; it doesn’t mean that you two will never encounter each other again. You’ll be at your child’s wedding. You’ll be there for the birth of your grandchildren. You’ll be there at college graduations. You will be there, together, with and for your child, so you better practice on being polite now. You don’t want to ruin those moments and memories [with unnecessary tension] for your child because you can’t be civil towards each other. So, the next time you see your ex-spouse forget about the tension and focus on just being polite. You don’t have to invite them to dinner or anything; or even invite him or her in your house. Just take baby steps and do the following:
- Say hello the next time you see your ex-spouse
- Ask how he or she is doing
- Greet him or her with a smile
- Tell him or her to have fun with your children
- Treat him or her as you would anybody else that you are trying to be polite to
Rule #4: Don’t bad-mouth your ex-spouse’s new spouse.
If you have a concern about your ex-spouse’s new spouse, don’t bad-mouth her to your ex. Remember, that she is your ex’s new spouse. As such, it will be in his nature to defend her. Therefore, you will be starting the conversation off on the wrong foot. Additionally, when your children acquire new relatives, via marriage or otherwise, it’s important to acknowledge and respect these relationships instead of dismissing them. Acknowledge, respect and encourage your children’s relationships with their step or half siblings, step-grandparents, step-aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Remember, that society brainwashes us to believe that family can only consist of blood lines and a two biological parent household, but the dynamics of family are changing and have been changing for quite some time. Your children’s step-family is just as much family as their biological family and should be treated as such. As a matter of fact, children can only benefit from having a large loving family comprised of step, half and biological, than a two parent household without love.
Conclusion
Learning to act like adult parents is not as hard as it may initially feel. Once again, you have to revert back to the days of old when you first learned basic manners and being polite. Think before you speak or act. Let go of that residual anger that does nothing for you or your children. As a matter of fact, it only prevents you from moving forward and improving your life as well as the lives of your children. You may have every right to be angry [in some cases], but it serves no purpose to hang on to that hurt. Hanging on to hurt only hurts your children. Let it go so that you can create a healthy family unit for your children. After all, with over half of marriages ending in divorce the best thing we can do for our children is to make sure that they are raised in healthy families, regardless of their parents’ marital status.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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This is something I honestly still struggle with, and if anything it gets worse instead of better. My Ex is a master of hurtful snide comments, particularly that question my character or parenting. I know its sour grapes and I should just let it roll off, but I find myself holding onto these comments until I can later come back when he does something hypocritical. I constantly feel the need to defend myself against his verbal assaults. So do I just roll over and take it?? BTW, I don’t do these things in front of the kids, but the tension between us at games and other kids’ events is just thick and oppressive. I’m just tired of feeling like I have to just take what he dishes out all the time.
My question to you is; “what do you gain from snapping back?” If anything, it just fuels the fire. You need to realize that what he’s trying to do is get a reaction out of you. Don’t allow him to do so. There is no need to defend yourself when he attacks your character or parenting – SO WHAT! Why does his opinion of either matter to you so much? Ask yourself this questions the next time he fires insults your way. My advice is to treat him like a 3 year old or a mentally retarded adult. If either of them called you a booger girl or peanut head, would you be so quick to fire back or save your ammunition to use it against them later? I know it is a struggle, believe me, I know, but in your situation, somebody has to be the bigger person for the sake of your children. Maybe if you pave the way for more positive behavior, your ex might start to either change or realize that he is no longer getting a rise out of you and just stop his childlike behavior altogether.
My other advice would be to try talking to him. Most people would be surprised at how using a different approach can breed different results. When you bring a concern to him, don’t automatically be on the defensive, ready to argue. I know I always thought that I was being as nice as can be when bringing concerns to my ex. But, my husband checked me and told me that I was sounding really condescending; which automatically put him on the defensive. If you don’t feel as if you can speak with him one on one, please sit down with a therapist (preferably a blended family therapist) to help you work through your issues. Last but not least, if he doesn’t respond to either (he might not be receptive to it, right away and this is normal), send him subtle hints like the post that I wrote on repairing relationships with ex-spouses or what parental post-divorce conflict does to the children. Often times it helps coming from someone else and not you.
I hope I’ve helped in some way. Let me know if you try those things, and if so, what the results are.
Kela
I completely agree! I treat my daughter’s dad as a business acquaintance. I try to be very supportive in his life, if he shares that with me, wishing him well.
I was once told that if they’re trying to play a game with you, don’t serve back. I won’t participate in any games with either my daughter’s dad or my husband’s ex-wife. If either of them try something I shut them down by telling them that I refuse to participate.
For me, it’s all a state of mind. Don’t allow it to rile you up. I know that some ex’s really try to stir things up. I do vent, I have a special place for that, but I feel it’s very important to not blow up at the ex’s. Some of them delight in knowing that they’ve gotten to you…don’t let them have the satisfaction.
I think the best way to handle them is showing no emotion when having to see or talk with them. If you have to, treat them like they’re a stranger. I have no emotions toward my baby daddy, so it’s actually easy for me now.
Another great post!
Amen! I do my best now to do the same with my ex. If he calls me and is talking mess, I just ignore the statement and move on to the next subject. It really is a state-of-mind and a mind over matter situation. How you speak to him will change how he reacts and he will think twice next time.
It’s never too late to make peace with our former spouses, especially when children are involved. Being able to co-parent effectively is so important. In order to effectively co-parent, I believe, two parents have to have some sort of common civility. With determination and good intentions, you can overcome the anger, grief, and sadness of losing a marriage and eventually — believe it or not — achieve friendship — IF that is essentially what you would like to have. I believe this is exactly what has happened with my husband and his ex-wife (Motherof3girls). They are able to effectively co-parent my step-daughter because they have put the pain, anger, grief and sadness of losing their marriage behind them and both have been able to move on to effectively parent their daughter, and in turn, have allowed their new spouses to be a part of that co-parenting process. Being friends with your ex, however, is a decision that you have to make yourself, but when children are involved, the two of you being able to find a way to be on a co-parenting level and being kind and considerate to one another makes life for the children a lot easier. Cultivating that relationship takes determination and there is no “rule-book” so to speak, but for those of us who have managed to obtain friendly, caring, healthy, blended post-divorce families, it has been very rewarding.
During the pain of divorce, usually you feel obligated to be pitted against your former spouse or his new wife or husband, etc. – this is a normal feeling and often times, to me, the legal process is often very good at making two parents become enemies, but just as it takes two people to make a marriage, it takes two to break the marriage dynamic as well.
What we have to remember during this process is (a) we as individuals can change ourselves and the outcome of our lives and (b) if we as individuals take responsibility for our actions, this will sub-conscientiously allow our behaviors to change. Once our behaviors change, usually our relationships will follow and change too.
Be blessed.