Before going to church today I was all set to do another angry post. I was ready to complain about how I am just sick and tired of the whole J (my husband), K (his son) and Y (his ex-wife) saga. It’s been nearly 8 years, but things have only changed for the worse. She’s still bitter, which in turn, causes me to be bitter. It’s amazing how one person can cause so much stress for an entire family. I’m just tired…tired of her, tired of allowing her actions to control our family’s happiness, tired of the world always seeming to revolve around 3 people (my husband, his son and his ex-wife)…just tired. This is what I was going to tell you before going to church. After church I have a different perspective on things, and I felt compelled to share it with all of you.
The Pastor focused on three words today – YES WE CAN! The basic idea of the sermon was positive thinking. We can choose to dwell on that glass being half empty or we can focus on it being half full. We can choose to be excited about what we can do or we can dwell on what we can’t do. We can choose to dwell on what we can’t control (someone else’s actions) or we can focus on what we can control (our own actions).
Personally, I have struggled with this notion, but ONLY when it comes to my husband’s ex-wife. For too many reasons to name, she just seemingly brings out the “evil” in me. All understanding, compassion, reasoning and sometimes rationale seems to fly out of the window when it comes to her and ONLY her. I realize it’s because she has caused so much pain in our lives. In our eyes, she has the power to make us miserable (when she’s throwing one of her tantrums) or happy (when she’s leaving us alone). Simply because she has the power to dictate whether or not we see K and for how long. She even has the power to dictate our finances because we have to pay money (and lots of it) every time she drags us to court for frivilous reasons. But that was then. I know and have always known that a person only posseses as much power as you allow her to have over you. It’s just so hard to remember that when you’re in the midst of your struggle. As hard as it may be, however, it is necessary in order to create and maintain our own happiness, even in the midst of our respective struggles. I can choose to dwell on how much time we don’t have with K; or I can focus on how strong our family is despite Y’s continued effort to bring us down. I can choose to dwell on the fact that I can’t control her negative actions; or I can focus on the fact that I can remain positive despite the negativity. I can choose to be excited about the fact that I have a wonderful husband that loves me and my son to death; or I can dwell on the fact that Y keeps trying to tear down what we have built together. I can choose to dwell on the negative or focus on the positive. Nobody has the power to take away my positive thinking. And who knows, maybe my positive reaction will eventually evoke positive actions from her. Yes I can choose to think positively and yes you can, too!
All of our feelings and beliefs are truly based on our internal thoughts and conversations with ourselves. WE ARE IN CONTROL, whether we know it or not. We do not have to allow our negative circumstances to dictate how happy we choose to be. If you are feeling overwhelmed, bitter, angry, resentful, or just plain negative about your situation with your ex-spouse, his new wife, your stepchildren, your blended family as a whole or any negative situation, the first step to changing your attitude is changing that inner conversation. Instead of saying that “it’s been almost 8 years, but things have only gotten worse.” I need to tell myself that if I remain positive I know a change will come. It may not be when I want it to, but eventually it will. Keep your mind focused on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative. This positive attitude and outlook on life will allow you to feel like a winner when things are good and a survivor when things are tough. It will allow you to say, “yes I can” even when people are telling you that you can’t. So say it with me…”yes I can.”
I will leave you with the illustrious and powerful words of Sam Cooke:
There have been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long
But now I think I’m able to carry on
It’s been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
I can see by your blog that life could certainly be easier. I am no stranger to the challenges of a bitter ex-wife, however, after eight years (…a curious coincidence to your eight year time frame) she had her epiphany and changed.
It’s the part of eight years of struggling with her that taught me a valuable lesson. Any time I allowed her sense of ‘madness’ to enter into my new family as a disruptive force it was because ‘I let it happen’. My wife was not the one that was supposed to deal with my ex, that fell to me and only when I dealt with it did we have the peace we desired.
I hope your husband can find a way of insulating you from his ex’s intrusions, it’s the only way you can be sure of a sane existence.
Keep a positive outlook, that is never bad advice.
Very insightful and positive words – thank you! It especially helps coming from a divorced dad. You’re right, it does bring peace when my husband insulates me from her intrusions. But, as his wife, it still hurts me to see him in pain due to her intrusions. Having said that, I am aware of how important it is to keep a positive outlook on my situation.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your comments. I’m fast approaching that 8 year mark, so maybe, just maybe, she will reach her epiphany and change as well. Either way, what my husband and I have built together, let no man (or ex-wife) put asunder!
No weapon formed against us shall prosper! YES WE CAN!
This is such a great post. I think sometimes in the midst of the storm we need reminders that we do have the power and not to give it away. This post is a great reminder to keep the power.
I am sad to hear that after 8 years it doesn’t get any better. We’re going on 7 and it has only gotten worse for us, too. The bright side of all of it is we only have 3 1/2 more years of having to go through her.
I have fought really hard to keep my power and in all honesty, the more I learn of her, the more I can’t believe how pathetic her actions are. It’s hard to be angry at someone that you don’t care about. I’ve realized that in allowing myself to be angry at her that means I care and I don’t.
Right now I’m working so hard on focusing on my family and being so busy that her caraziness doesn’t affect us. I can’t control that she gets a lot of our money and yet I’m still buying my stepchild necessities and such, but I do it for my stepchild, not to help out her mom. I can’t help it that she won’t let my stepchild come visit, but I can let my stepchild know that we love her unconditionally and a date on the calendar doesn’t dictate what makes our visits special, it’s when we’re together. We can let her know that no matter where she is or what she’s doing, we want her to be happy and enjoy life, not worry about mom and dad not getting along.
Life is too short to worry about all of this dysfunction, especially when we’re allowing someone else’s bitterness and anger affect us so much. I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember how great it was and how much they are loved!
Amen to that…Life is too short to worry about all of this dysfunction, especially when we’re allowing someone else’s bitterness and anger to affect us so much. I, too, want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember how great it was and how much they were loved.
As always, your insight is so greatly appreciated!
recently I re-read a quote that has always put things into perspective for me:
“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.”
Life is what it is. If we allow our angry emotions and feelings to dictate how we run our lives, we will have a very bleak existance. Never forget that we are ALL human. No side is perfect, no side is without fault, but it is not in blaming, it is in taking responsibility for our own parts and “being the change we want to see” in others.
Yes we can do it. There will always be weak moments of insecurity where it feels better to blame, but blame is an immediate relief from long term strife. True relief comes in always knowing that we CAN do it and in checking ourselves first.
Anger is something to feel and sit with for a short time and then let go.
Good for you Kela for checking in with yourself.
Have a good one.
Amy
Thanks, Amy!
I absolutely love that quote: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” Such a profound statement! Thanks for sharing.
I like that quote too. Perhaps it will find it’s way into one of my future post. hmmmm…
I like that quote too. Perhaps it will find it’s way into one of my future post. hmmmm…
Amy! What a great post! I often have to check myself too and reading that was definitely an eye-opener.
Diane