Stepchildren and Discipline
February 22, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under parenting
A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship. A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means. However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand. This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage. Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child. However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide. It can be hard for the new parent to fit right into the rules of the family, they may not know if the teenager can borrow their credit card or how much allowance they should get. For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this? Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building? Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules? Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child. They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner) – period. In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?” Your answer is probably “no.” Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).
Every individual has a different approach to life and their surroundings. Unfortunately, for children of divorce, this is can bring major chaos into their lives, and step-parenting can become very complicated. With that, the child must comply and get accustomed to different disciplinary approaches within each household but they must also know that the rules apply, all of the time, to everyone. This is where a good co-parenting plan can make all the difference. With this plan methodically laid out, each individual in the household knows what is expected of them and what the rules are.
As step-parents, yes, we have the responsibility to earn the trust and respect of our step-children. That is a bond that takes time. Part of building a solid, healthy relationship is not just being a “disneyland parent” or the “giver of many things” but being focused on having a positive and successful relationship with that child and this includes structure and healthy discipline. Of course, step-parenting discipline should be backed up by the biological parents. Children need to know that their step-parents are an extension of their parents and they are not just using this as their own authority but that of their parents in their absence.
Granted, no one agrees all of the time about discipline; however, by talking often and being fair, you can make the transition for your stepchildren smoother. Here are some tips for you to follow:
1. Make sure to keep to the same rules as often as you can.
2. Biological parents must explain to their children that the step-parent can also remind them of rules AND enforce the consequences when those rules are broken .
3. All children (whether bio or step) in the family must abide by the same rules.
4. Create a co-parenting plan and have a family discussion about acceptable behavior in your home and the rules and responsibilities are of each individual.
5. Never argue with your spouse about your child’s behavior in front of them. Always discuss it behind closed doors. This confuses and misconstrues the issues for children.
Keep an open mind and keep the lines of communication open with them. Be honest with your children (all of them, including your stepchildren). Let them know your expectations of them. Lastly and most importantly, always and consistently be fair.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
“21 Quotes That Will Change Your Life!” is the latest (and first) eBook creation from Today's Modern Family writer and The Joyful Mind Project contributor, Aisha Quinece. It’s 94 pages long and filled with inspirational quotes, stories, reflections, and insights specifically designed to help you grow while creating the life you always knew was possible.
To receive your FREE copy today, all you need to do is SUBSCRIBE to her newsletter, “Create Your Life” or, follow her onto Facebook and LIKE her page. Visit www.aishaquinece.com to do so.
"My hope is that the book inspires you to continue making meaningful changes in your life while making a positive difference in the lives of others." ~Aisha
I really like this!
The part that jumps out at me is….
“If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?”
I agree that most would ANSWER “no”. Yet in many of our circumstances, the practice is “yes”.
Given that many divorces include some measure of hurt and/or hostility, if a child were to say something negative about their other parent that you are now divorced from and perhaps still feel some pain or resentment about, then clearly, it would take a very strong and mature person to confront that behaviour meaningfully.
I know for me, while in pain and bitterness, I looked for every reason possible to validate that my ex was a bad person. I did my best not to bad mouth and I did my best not to allow my kids to say bad things about their Mom. Yet in my weakness, I allowed both to happen to a degree. In theory, the wrong thing to do. In practice, a hard thing not to do.
If we’ve done it, we should dust ourselves off and find some help in doing things better next time. Yesterday is gone. Today is the only day we can control so lets make a change in today’s behaviour. When tomorrow arrives, we will deal with it then. But if we make wiser choices today, and get the help we need, tomorrow will be easier to tackle and we can build on successes.
With all that said, I so agree and it is a wakeup call to me, to look at my ex as my kids mother no different than if we lived in the same home and were happily married. Great perspective to keep in mind.
Some thoughts on the role of step parent in disciplining step children. Will save for separate reply.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I totally agree! Look forward to your thoughts on the discipline issue.
Di
Disciplining step children is a complex thing. The word, “limited” comes to mind on this subject. By that I mean that I do not see any way (yet) that we as step parents can play anything more than a supporting role in disciplining children. I dont believe that us air-dropping into their lives puts us in a position to be directing things and certainly not disciplining in the early years at least.
I think our main roles are to be positive examples to our step kids by simply BEING good people and also to support our spouse in matters of parenting and discipline.
In matters of safety, however, I think we should step up feely and put our foot down more than we may on any other issues. This is simply wisdom that serves the benefit of the family.
In our household, where I am the step Dad, I continually try to be this positive influence. I have sought to establish credibility with my step kids by having a relationship with them. I talk with them … particularly listen. I play video games with them and take them on outings.
The vast majority of the confrontations for behaviour are done by my wife but I will often simply stand beside her to send a silent message that I am in agreement. This carries a strong message to the kids.
Occasionally, I will speak up explicitly and give direction or reprimand. But even though I have known the kids 5 years and married and living in household 2 years, it is still early for me to be any more of a parent role in the family. There is not substitute for time where kids see you live and react under a multitude of different circumstances for building respect and credibility. These are the foundations of any parenting relationship.
We will often have what has become referred to in the house as a “Chaz Talk”. Where my wife and I will sit down with one of the kids over an issue… typically an issue of behaviour.
My approach is to sit down and discuss what the situation was. No matter how wrong the child may seem to have been, I always want to give them the chance to tell their side. Then I ask a bunch of reflective questions that help them see what went wrong and where they were (and weren’t responsible). I would rather they discover this as a result of questions, not just me or their Mom telling them.
If there is a consequence rendered, it is Mom who delivers it with me simply stating that I think it is fair. Again, as step Dad, I am not yet in a place where me issuing the consequences feels like the thing to do. And may never be… who knows. Today its not.
I like being a step parent. My step kids are younger than my own. Having them in my life is a great chance to re-live the parenting that I missed when I was emotionally unavailable during divorce and spin-out.
I like to be available as the go-to guy and do my best to be a wise and reflective voice of reason. The kids now often come to me for solutions… which I don’t simply give them… but rather lead them through series of questions to let them discover their own solutions. It has become fun and effective. Just like I do with my own kids.
Ciao.
Chaz