Wedding Vows the 2nd Time Around
May 8, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under Modern Family Weddings
Lately, my husband and I have been talking about renewing our wedding vows next year. When we got married, we did it Vegas Style! Well, although the idea of a cheap, quickie wedding appealed to us at the time both time wise and financially, we have begun to regret the fact that we didn’t involve our children. I have been reading up a bit about second time around wedding ceremonies and blended family wedding vows and thought that I would share a bit of the information I have discovered with our TMF readers.
If you are thinking about having a blended family ceremony, it is important to honor each other’s children. Every situation is of course unique and delicate but these children will become an integral part of your new life and it is important to acknowledge and include them. With that, also acknowledging to yourself that your spouse and his/her children were “one” before you came along and that your vows do not circumvent the relationship they have with their children will help you to understand and bond with your step-children.
Here are a few sample second time around wedding vows (courtesy of www.idotaketwo.com):
Bride & Groom
“God has given us a second chance at happiness. I come today to give you my love, to give you my heart and my hope for our future together. I promise to bring you joy, to be at home with your spirit and to learn to love you m ore each day, through all the days of our lives. My love for you is endless and eternal.”
“I am proud to marry you this day. I promise to wipe away your tears with my laughter and your pain with caring and compassion. Together we will wipe clean the old canvases of our lives, and let God, with His amazing artistic talent, fill them with new color, harmony and beauty. I give myself to you completely, and I promise to love you always, from this day forward.”
Vows Including Children
After the wedding vows are recited by the bride and groom, the children will now repeat “We do” after each of these questions:
“And now, (children’s names) do you promise to love and respect your parent’s new husband/wife? Do you promise to support their marriage and new family? Do you promise to accept the responsibility of being their children, and to encourage them and support them in your new life together?”
Note: Obviously, if the children are having are having a hard time accepting your new marriage or are showing signs of resistance, then I would not include them in the “vows” process. Each individual family has a different set of dynamics going on. But certainly, do not force them if they are uncomfortable.
I would love to hear your thoughts on these vows or if you would like to share vows that you have already taken, feel free to comment, we would love to hear from you.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
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Thanks Di…
From the hip…. I am not a big vows person. Call me jaded. This is just a perspectived filtered by history. I am not proselytizing.
I think we should live our vows more than say them. A phrase I often use in life is, “Its in the doing”. This applies to relationships, recovery, careers, fitness, and pretty much everything.
My historical filter is that I come from a family who far too often said, “One day I’m gonna”, and “You know I really shoulda”. Seldom present in the moment. Often talking about what they’re gonna do in the future or shoulda done in the past”.
Vows trigger this allergy for me. Also, my first set of vows where thrown in my face in bitter anger and blame. Thus more allergic reaction.
Involving the kids? To me, I would rather show them by loving my wife. Let them draw their own conclusions. Or have them celebrate an anniversary with us. Let them confirm the history report of what they have seen and experienced, rather than have them participate in the ceremonious stating of good intentions.
In this we are all individual and have our tastes and preferences. So I am not wishing to rain on your parade. I think I see where you are coming from and see the value in it in the conext you describe.
I suppose Baskin Robbins makes 31 flavours for a reason.
Ciao
Chaz
Chaz,
I always appreciate your insightful comments. You are always objective and I appreciate that. I do agree with you about “showing” your children how much you love you wife/husband and allowing them to draw their own conclusions through example as opposed to just allowing them to be a part of the ceremony. However, I have seen great outcomes when children have been allowed to feel as if they are a part of the joined “team” from the start. Of course, this is never pushed on them either, only if they are willing participants. Allowing them to feel included and that they matter from the get go can help to alleviate concerns that they are being forgotten about when dad/mom remarries. Again, as you stated, this idea isn’t for every blended family but I wanted to put the idea out there!
Thank you again for stopping by!
Di
Di… I do take your point about involving the kids in the whole process. I can see how it does include them in the launch of the new family rather than potentially leaving them feeling like an obligatory inclusion to Mommy’s and step-Daddy’s new marriage after the fact.
Again, I am highly jaded. Perhaps I have some recovering and maturing to do in this area. My ex had a very ceremonious second beginning including the kids. Yet it all seemed so forced as it was under very awkward and controvercial circumstances. And now, fast forward a few years, one of the kids dispised their parent and step-parent, and one of the parents has essentially abandoned the child as payback.
The question jumps to my mind, what good did the ceremony do when the day to day “doing” is dysfunctional? Especially when there was undoubtedly a huge elephant in the room by way of a huge issue that everyone pussy-footed around. Namely betrayal that made this new union possible.
Which leads me to the “Chaz Theory of Inverse Marital Likelihoods”, which simply states, “The likelihood of a marriage being successful varies inversely with the size and grandeur of the wedding ceremony”. I do not yet have the scientific data to support the theory so I suppose it can be called a hypothesis. Maybe would make an interesting poll for the BFSO / TMF web site readers?
The hypothesis is supported by a small, non-scientific set of personal observations. Including, but not limited to my attendance at THE MOST elaborate wedding I have ever seen. Rolls Royce Limos, Releasing of the Doves, finest hotel and banquet facility in our city, hundreds of guests, live entertainment, and a special appearance by the finest choir in our entire city who sang a medly to the bride. Estimated total cost $250,000.
Oh ya, and here was the kicker…. the bride gave a speech telling us all how much we, like her, needed Jesus.
C’mon… how long do you think it lasted? Thats right, nine months.
Ok… so maybe this is an extreme example. And I am indeed speaking from a set of individual experiences that may be circumstantial.
But I do take your point. I see the sense of what you are saying. I simply need to deal with some attitudes of mine still.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I also see your point of view as well. It is well known that sometimes people (even for first marriages) spend more time worrying about the ceremony than the health of their relationship even investing large sums of money but downright knowing there are issues that they need to resolve but instead would rather not disappoint all whom they have invited to the ceremony, so they go along pretending their prior issues don’t exist. However, I also can say, in the case of the example you provided above (i.e., children despising their parent/step-parent and the experience of abandonment) leads me to think that these issues probably were occuring prior to the marriage ceremony itself and those issues were not properly addressed and festered to the point whereby fast-forwarding two years ahead, they are now huge sores that have become hard to heal. So, in essence, the ceremony itself really is a moot point when it comes to parents not taking the responsibility to address the issues their children may have.
Kela and I like the poll idea and you might just see it up soon! Thank you again for your thought provoking comments. I always enjoy them.
Di
No problem Di…. and thanks to you and Kela for a steady stream of thought-provoking posts on such valuable subjects.
Your comment about the issues existing before the wedding…. I would say indeed they did. One may have been able to forsee stormy waters ahead based on some of the attitudes and behaviours by child and parent.
I like what Dr. Phil says in Relationship Rescue. He states clearly that you cannot function in a relationship unless you are functioning as you. A new marriage will not solve the problems of who you are. Yet many people, I am sure, try to seek refuge or reprieve in the feelings or security of a new marriage.
To me, the overlooking of macro issues and simply “vowing” them over, is sadly naive. We recovering alocholics have tremendous experience at the making and breaking of vows. We had all at some point vowed to stop but never did… not without help anyway.
In our cutlure of serial-marriage, a vow would often appear to mean very little. I guess what I am saying is that I want to strive for something different. I do not feel I could vow my way into happiness with my wife. I feel I need to continually work on who I am and what I do in order to build happiness for us and a strong, lasting marriage.
So perhaps with the work done and eyes open, a vow can be a powerful thing. And involving the kids could teach them much and make them part of it.
Ciao.
Chaz
I really like the idea of including my kids in my wedding vows. The 1st time around I wrote both of our vows and he said the empty words but this time I think my fiance and I will write our own and h’s already taken my kids on as his and we want to let them know that we are all 1 team and I’m glad I found this! Thanks!