I’ve held off on writing this post because I didn’t want it to sound like another angry post. In my effort to remain positive about my blended family situation I now TRY to avoid posts filled with anger, name-calling and just pure hate. Having said that, every now and then I just have to let out a frustrated scream…”ahhhhhhhhhh”
Background Information
At the end of October me, my husband, his ex-wife and her current husband attended a family mediation session. The divorce mediator that my husband and his ex-wife were using suggested that K (their son/my stepson) see a child psychologist based on the information that she was provided with during their sessions. The child psychologist that they chose is also a family mediator as she deals with many children from divorced families. She insisted on all of us having a few sessions, prior to her seeing K, in order to get a better understanding of the issues that he might be faced with.
It was an extremely tense environment because we had not been in the same room in about 6 years! However, I entered the session with a very open mind as I was very interested in Y’s (husband’s ex-wife) viewpoints. I really wanted to know why she felt the need to alienate K from his family for the past year. I thought to myself that maybe she does have a valid reason for doing so. Maybe, just maybe we have just been misunderstanding each other this entire time. Honestly, I knew that this was far from the truth, but I was still hopeful.
At any rate, if you readers can remember some of my earlier post in which I indicated that K had done something that was very wrong and raised a lot of concern for not only M’s (my bio son) well-being, but his as well. This was the basic reason for us seeing the child psychologist. The psychologist started by asking this basic question; “What are your concerns?” Below are our answers in the order that we gave them.
Me: I’m very concerned because we ALWAYS focus on how K feels about something or Y feels about how K is going to feel that we seem to forget that there are two children in this blended family. And, I have to focus on M’s well-being as well. While I am extremely concerned about BOTH children one did something wrong (K) and one did not (M). Therefore, I have to make sure that both are okay, especially the one that I am raising full-time in my home. This not only pertains to this particular situation, but any situation in our blended family. I think that Y thinks that because she shares a child with my husband I must consider his “wants” over my child’s needs, and I just can’t do that. I want to be respected as a mother, and more importantly, I need a little understanding when it comes to us making decisions for both children.
Y: It’s not that I base my actions on lack of concern for M. I just don’t ever know what’s going on (This is such a lie). I feel so in the dark. I don’t know how M is feeling or what his needs are, but I do know my child’s needs and I have to base my decisions primarily off of that.
Her Husband: I just want to make sure K isn’t treated differently when he goes back to their house based on what he has done. He’s very sorry for what he did, and I’m confident that it will never happen again.
My Husband: No one is going to treat him any differently. My wife loves K and would never do anything to hurt him, no matter what. All of her actions up until this point have been solely based on concern for K and nothing else. I just want to know when my son can come back to see his family.
Before I go on, let me say that Y is so full of …She claims to be in the dark, but we tell her everything knowing that it ALWAYS leads to some long contentious court battle. As a matter of fact, we wouldn’t even be here (attending family mediation) had we not revealed to you what occurred in our home. It’s the reason we’ve been going through this mess for a year because we told you what had occurred. So, how do you feel in the dark? And, you say that your decisions aren’t based on lack of concern for M…please. You have directly stated that you don’t have to be concerned about M, and you’re right. But guess what, that can’t apply to me because I’m M’s mother. You also stated that you have no idea how certain things affect M because we don’t tell you..another lie. For example, remember when we told you that it was disruptive to the start of M’s school year to have K here for an entire month, at the very beginning of the school year? We said that for any child, after being out of school all summer, it takes a minute to get back into the school year routine, and having K here just hampers that. We thought that you’d understand since 3 years earlier you took my husband to court to prohibit him from making his morning phone call to K on the very basis that it disrupts his morning routine!!! Now if a two minute phone call can disrupt K’s morning routine, what in the hell do you think having K here for an entire month, at the beginning of the school year, does to M’s routine? Instead, we requested June and July, instead of June and August. You said that you didn’t care how it affected M, and you told everyone, including the Judge, that we said that K was a disruption to our lives, instead of telling them what was really said.
As you can see I was nothing short of flabbergasted and pissed when I heard what came out of her mouth. The whole point of mediation is to uncover the TRUTH so that we can all begin to work towards some sort of compromise and solution. It’s not to lie because when you do that we just end up spinning our wheels.
It’s so funny how she and her husband claim to be so very concerned about how K is going to feel or be treated when he returns to our home based on his wrong-doing. Number one, they don’t know me AT ALL. I would never stop loving either one of my sons based on a mistake that they made. Number two, K and I had a great relationship (I say had because I haven’t seen him in over a year. His mother will not allow me to have any contact with him because she thinks that my potential actions might have a detrimental effect on his mental health). Number three, my mind doesn’t operate like hers. I would never do harm or have any disregard for a child, even if he or she is not mine. Through it all, no one asked K how he felt, until yesterday. My husband had his normal 5 hour per month visit with K and asked K if he had any questions regarding what has happened. His response: “I don’t know why a Judge would say that I can’t see my family. I just don’t understand.” My husband said that the Judge based his ruling on what your mother said. K replied, “why does mom not want me to see my step mom?” My husband told him that it was her way of protecting him. K’s exact words, “That’s crazy, she (he’s talking about me) would never do anything to hurt me.”
I’m so happy that K still feels that love that I’ve instilled in him since he was 4 years old (he’ll be 12 next month). He knows that I love him, despite what his mother says or has done. He knows that I’d never hurt him or treat him differently just because he did something wrong. It just hurts me that I can’t be the one to reinforce this notion to him. More importantly, it vehemently disgusts me that Y is alienating K from his family just because she can’t get her way. But, there really is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is continue to love him the way I know how. My husband and I will continue to negate whatever his mother says via our actions. And, we will continue to pray that God grants her some sort of peace so that we all can be free of this unnecessary stress.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
I am sorry you are hurting, but through it all, remember that one person’s truth is another one’s lie. She shared her perspective, yours is different, and the truth… is somewhere in the mix.
Don’t ask god to grant her some sort of peace, ask him to grant it to you and to grant you understanding. All you have to do to be free of the stress is let it go. In the end he is NOT your son. If you truly do want what is best for him then let him be raised by HIS parents in THEIR way, not yours. HE will make his own decisions as he grows, but if you distort everything his mother says he will see you as she describes and understand why she described you as such.
Let it go. Support him and your husband and his mother and let it go.
Amy
I have to say that I disagree with Amy. He may not be your biological son, but that doesn’t mean he’s not your son. He IS your stepson and that means quite a lot. Stepmothers should not always have to play the long-suffering peacemaker and just “let it go”. It’s painful to watch your family, whether that’s your husband and your biological children or your husband, your biological children and your stepchildren, go through turmoil, especially when that turmoil is being caused by someone who is spouting “best interests” but hardly living it.
Unless there is some sort of abuse or neglect, it is ALWAYS (look up the statistics) better for a child to have equal and open access to both parents. Any parent who alienates the children from the other parent IS abusing them.
That is not something you should just “let go” and that is not something she has based on some sort of truth.
My message was misinterpreted by stephanie.
I said “IF” you want to be stress free. If you enjoy the stress then keep fighting and keep debating what is best…
Also remember that Statistics can make anything look like a good idea if you set the research to get the result you are seeking. Each family is different and blended families are no exception, and they are should not be just another statistic.
Stephanie, I appreciate your thoughts and you always have the right to disagree, but lets keep it neutral.
Most people given the chance are doing the best they can and believe that they are doing the bets for their children. Sometimes our views are clouded, but when there is stress it is important to step back and look at yourself. It sounds to me that the other side could be thinking the same thing… that the stress will only disappear when the other side lets it go.
It comes down to how much stress you want to put yourself and your family through. Letting it go is not a negative thing, but a way to forgive in order to preserve your sanity.
Amy
Wow! I must say that I don’t agree with you Amy, but we’ve had a history of disagreements. As Stephanie said, just because we are not biologically connected doesn’t mean that he is not my son. He IS my son, and I have helped raise him since he was four years old. One thing that ex-wives, such as yourself, often do is trivialize stepmother’s roles and existence. I am an important person in his life, and I have NEVER twisted his mother’s words. As far as the truth is concerned, the TRUTH is that she has kept him away from his father, his second mother and his stepbrother for over a year, and that is definitely NOT in the best interest of the child. Furthermore, I do support my husband, and my husband wants his son involved in our lives. That’s what I’m supporting and what WE are fighting for. If I can just “let go” of not seeing him for over a year, all you ex-wives would be singing a different tune. But, when I want to see him and be involved in his life, that’s wrong, too! Please quit continually putting us in positions where we just can’t win. It isn’t fair to anybody but YOU because once again, it gives you that momentary satisfaction and control over the situation that you undoubtedly obsess over. If anybody should be letting anything go, it’s her. AT that point, the stress will disappear.
Sometimes, Amy, while the other party is allowed to have their view points, it doesn’t make it right. Some situations are just black and white. I’m not the one keeping my step son away from his family, his mother is. I’m not the one who tells the child that his family doesn’t want to see him because he’s a disruption;his mother does that. I’m not the one who has us in court after VIOLATING A COURT ORDER, requesting that visitation be limited to 5 HOURS per month; his mother does these things all by herself. I’m not the one who continually violates visitation court orders to limit his time with his father and family; his mother does! By that same token, I’m not the one that her son is going to have questions for either because I don’t put him or myself in those type of positions. I am honest about my love for him and considerate of his thoughts and feelings, and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with me wanting to be apart of his life.
As far as stress is concerned, don’t get me wrong, I don’t continually live in a big ball of stress. My husband and I have both learned that fighting has gotten us nowhere. But, we are human and will not tell you that it doesn’t hurt that he has not been allowed to be an integral part of our lives. And, I have asked God to grant me some understanding, and I do understand how she feels, to a certain extent. I have explained this over and over in my posts. However, we are ADULTS and we cannot act on our impulses or feelings just because we feel a certain way! Life simply just does not work that way. Finally, if you feel that alienating a child from his family is doing what’s best for him or her, then you really need to do a self-assessment check. Keeping a child away from his father, IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA! And, that’s not me twisting the statistics to convince readers that I am right. THAT’S JUST COMMON SENSE!
I have a question for step-moms…
If an out of control bus is heading toward your step-child and your biological child and you can only save one… which one would you save?
It is not that step-parents are not wonderful people and we can debate the whole who child is it… but when it comes down to it blood is thicker than water. When you divorce does the ex’s family stay close to you or do they stick behind their blood kin?
Again I do see how what I am saying can be seen as a generalization and not every family is like that, but in many cases it takes a really, really terrible thing to tear blood relatives apart. Even children adopted at birth with no contact of their biological kin, long to know their biological roots. They may decide that they want nothing to do with them, but it is their choice. We need to stop doing this to our kids. In this case if bio-mom is so terrible then do what you can to be happy and let it go… or continue the unending battle. A wise person once said it takes two to keep a battle going, a war can not take place if only one side is fighting… some times we have to give it to god. Do the best we can with what we have , let the other side do the same and stop being angry.
Just felt it needed to be said.
I feel for you and don’t envy the battle, it sounds like it reall stinks for the kids.
Amy
I don’t want you to think that I think her keeping him away was a good idea for any reason. That is wrong, pure and simple, but at some point it has to stop. If he is 12 and this battle contiues for 5 more he officially would have been in a custody battle his entire childhood. That is just not healthy. So you fight and you get him back then what? she files again and you go through it all again. For what? We are adults alot longer than we are children. All I am saying is that telling people they are lying does not make it better to communicate. That is her truth no matter how far from yours it may be. See it as such and let it go. You don’t have to be right either.
Amy
Amy, giving it to God doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. Good fathers will ALWAYS long to have their children be apart of their lives and will obviously hurt if someone or something is preventing that from happening. We have turned it over to God and KNOW that he will take care of it! We NO LONGER fight back. We go to court and mediation because WE ALL are ordered to do so! It is not by choice. At the end of the day, his ex-wife is just a nagging thorn in our side (that’s the best way I can describe it). She NO LONGER CONSUMES US. We are happy because we have turned it over to God. However, once again, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hurtful. Geesh…we are human!
Also, through your analogy about blood relatives, you’ve seemed to forgotten one thing…MY HUSBAND IS MY STEPSON’S BLOOD RELATIVE. He’s not just some dude from off of the street. As such, my stepson longs to be a part of his life (not just 5 hours per month) just as the adoptive children you described do. How would you feel if your ex-husband got upset with you, VIOLATED A COURT ORDER, and allowed you to only see your son for 5 hours per month??
I didn’t tell her that she was lying. I utilize my blog to say things that I normally wouldn’t say because I AM AN ADULT! I don’t just fly off at the mouth and say everything that I’d like to say to her. Secondly, sometimes a lie is just a lie. If you tell me that you are not and don’t have to be concerned about my son, but then turn around and tell the mediator, “it’s not that I’m not concerned about him,” then that’s called a lie…period.
What do you mean when you say if we fight to get him back, then what? We start trying to rebuild our relationship with him and regain what we’ve lost, that’s what? Why are you trying to make it seem like that’s some horrible thing? I really don’t understand. Once again, if my husband was the type of father who just said, “forget it, it doesn’t bother me that I never see my son,”, then you’d be calling him a deadbeat dad.
Amy,
I have to agree with blendingin that your stepchild/biological child analogy was out of line. I would totally throw myself under a bus for my adopted daughter. A bond is not formed strictly from being born to a person, but is developed through nurture over time. It appears to me that blendingin has had ample time to form such a bond with her stepson. There are biological parents that live with their children that NEVER form a bond.
It sounds to me like blendingin’s ex-mennace has control issues. Period. It seems to me as if she puts her own intersts above the best interest of her child. It is sad.
I find it very sad that this situation is happening at all. In my own personal experience, my stepdaughter’s mother doesn’t know me or anything about me. She goes on assumptions and gossip. She has never taken the time to actually get to know me, after repeated attempts on my part to get to know her. But sadly after she created a huge drama and conflict with me over absolutely nothing I am finished trying!
I agree with Jodi and Blending in…blood has nothing to do with love. I love my stepdaughter as much as my own bio-daughter and I think it’s a direct insult to any step parent to say otherwise.
Anytime my daughter’s bio-dad has a new girlfriend I am very nice to her and I try to take the time to get to know her and her children, if she has any. They are all part of my daughters life and it’s my responsibility to be the example for my daughter as how to treat others. If I can’t treat her father and his significant other with respect what in the world am I teaching her? We all love her and it’s not a competition, it’s a full circle.
My stepdaughter has other siblings on both sides and I don’t ever discount her relationships with any of them, sadly her mother seems to do that with my daughter. When we go on vacations I always have my stepdaughter buy her half brother and stepsister, from her mother, something special. She loves everyone, as she should, and nobody should try to tell her that any of her relationships with either of her 4 parents or sibling are less important!
I am sad that my stepdaughter’s mother doesn’t have the same mindset as my husband and I. I have no doubt that my husband and I love each others children as much as we love our own bio children.
I don’t think our family courts are set up to deal with each individual family. There are generalized criteria set and the courts won’t change that, ever. It will always be battle after battle until all parties decide to be mature adults and recognize that all parties are important to the child/children’s life, until all parties realize that loving a child is not a contest!
Amy, I’m guessing you’re not a stepmom?
Thanks for letting me say my peace.
I forgot to say that the biomoms that try to alienate their childrens biodads and stepmoms from their lives, are inevitably driving a wedge between themselves and their own children. Eventually those kids are going to grow up and figure things out for themselves. What will your relationship be like when your child is an adult and they figure out that you were trying to keep them from their dad and stepmom?
Thanks Jodi and Stacy! I couldn’t agree more. And, let me preface what I’m going to say with this: I welcome criticism. If I am wrong, I don’t mind my readers telling me that. However, it has to make sense. Telling me that a child that I’ve helped raised for the past 8 years isn’t my son doesn’t make sense. My ENTIRE family has embraced this child. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, aunts, even my ex and his new wife, and none of them are biologically connected to him. But, that is not an essential requirement in our family. We know that children need all of the love and support they can get, and if you are willing to give it, we dare not turn you away.
Like you Stacy, I’ve made repeated attempts to not only get to know his mother, but show her that I am not a threat to her. I’ve tried to be her friend. I’ve welcomed her into my home. I’ve called her just to say hi; how are you? I wanted her to know who I was so that she’d feel at ease. But, some people are just content being bitter and I accept that. It’s a shame that so many ex-wives have such a unilateral view of how this whole blended family dynamic works. They are obsessed with believing that it’s all about them and their child/ren with our husbands; but that just isn’t the case. When you do blend families you have to compromise and work with everyone involved in order to raise happy, healthy children. It just can’t be like Amy said, “Let them [his parents] raise him, their way.” It especially can’t be this way when one parent’s way means keeping the child away from his family. How can and why would we support that?
I am on both sides of the fence. I am both an ex and a current wife; so I ALWAYS empathize with both sides. By that same token, as I stated earlier, I am an adult. As such, I know that even if I have felt a certain way (just read my posts) as it pertains to my ex. I would never act in such a way that prohibits as much contact as my son would like with his father. Additionally, I NEVER make my son’s second mom feel like she isn’t important to my son. I KNOW THAT SHE IS! I thank her, on a regular basis, for the important part that she plays in my son’s life. I welcome her opinions, thoughts, beliefs and participation when it comes to raising our son. If she didn’t want to be involved, that’s when I’d be concerned.
Amy, can I ask you a question? Not trying to be mean, crude or disrespectful at all because that is not what this blog is about AT ALL. But, I take serious issue with your first post on this subject. By your own words, quite honestly, you sound like a very bitter bio mom. K is CERTAINLY Blendingin’s son because she is his step-mother and just because you don’t biologically deliver or have that child doesn’t make you stop loving them as your own. I have a step-daughter that I love just as much and equally as the three sons that I gave birth to. I would lay down my own life for her. I am just as much involved with her life as her step-father is and she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love her and would do anything for her. Blendingin has instilled those same qualities and beliefs in K.
Blendingin is doing exactly what she should be doing by HELPING her life partner and husband by taking an active role in THEIR son’s life. The bio mom makes it extremely and unfairly hard to have that relationship which is a travesty not only to Blendingin’s husband, but to more importantly, K. And it is a shame that the justice system is allowing this kind of behavior.
Your comments are based on your own life and your own problems with your ex-husband and do not directly relate at all to Blendingin. Having a second mom is a BLESSING and you as a mother should want that involvement for your child. Especially if your child has a good step-parent. If you don’t and any other bio mom/dad that doesn’t want their child to have a healthy relationship with their step-parents be it a step-father or step-mother is doing an extreme disservice to their own child. It’s almost as if you are saying you prefer your child have a problems. I find that sad and hard to believe that you understand anything about this blog and what it is intended to do — bring the blended family together.
Blendingin, you are one of the kindest, most loving people I know and I admire all that you have done in respect to trying to forge a bridge with Y and with K. You are doing the right thing by telling K how you feel and he knows it in his heart and in the end, he is going to end up really resenting his mother for keeping him away from his father. Also, in Indiana I know this to be true, and I know for another fact that it is the same in most other states that once a child reaches the age of 14 they can decide for themselves who they want to live with or how much more/less time they want to spend with their non-custodial parent. Mark my words, this will backfire on Y in just a few short years. You can ask the judge to speak with K on his own and ask his opinion on his vistation and how he feels, etc. They will have to oblige becaue you will then have the laws that set precedent on your side.
Diane
One more comment, Stacy, everything you say in your comments are exactly the way I run things with my step-daughter. When we go on vacations, etc., we always bring something back for her sisters (by her mother and step-father) and we often include them in other family functions.
I know the courts are trying to do better at this and I have first hand experience by working at a law firm. Bio dads have a lot more rights than they used to and the courts are encouraging joint legal and physical custody more and more. More fathers just need to not be afraid and move the court to consider joint legal and physical custody and not shy away thinking that bio mother’s only have that right. Push for more visitation time. Look at your court orders closely — every state has a standard vistation schedules (outside of what is ordered on a weekly or monthly basis — i.e., every other weekend, etc.) that allows for consecutive weeks during the Summers/Spring Breaks/Holidays, etc. Be your own best advocate. Keep the court busy. Thats what you pay your taxes for. Show the judges you want more time and they will grant it as long as you are worthy of it and most likely you are.
Just a few cents of advice.
Thanks, Diane! Although I don’t need to hear those words in order to continue doing what’s right for my stepson they are certainly nice to hear every now and then.
I know I am doing nothing wrong by loving by stepson. I am not a pushy stepmom; that’s just not in my nature. I NEVER interfere in their (my husband and his ex-wife’s) decisions about K until it affects me or my son. At that point, I HAVE to intervene because as a mother, I have to look out for my son’s best interest, too. I just don’t understand why another mother can’t wrap her head around that and compromise so that BOTH children’s needs are met.
Whenever my ex and I make decisions about our son I am ALWAYS mindful of the fact that he and his current wife share a child. Therefore, I am flexible with parenting time so that it doesn’t interrupt his school schedule or when he’s ill, etc. I NEVER force my way in just because my ex and I share a child. I am considerate and understanding of him, his current wife and their household. I just don’t understand why Y can’t be this way. Instead, if she doesn’t get her way, we just can’t see him for as long as she deems necessary. It is sad; really sad!
It really is. I totally agree. I, myself, am not a pushy stepmom or force myself on or in any situation. It never works that way. I listen and try to help when needed but I just do my best to be a support system for my husband and an intermediary between he and his ex-wife should a problem arise. I very rarely have to do that. I am lucky that my relationship with my husband’s ex-wife is phenomenal and caring. I appreciate her and her role in my step-daughter’s life and I know she appreciates me and mine. That’s where our relationship is so special! It’s not always peachy-keen, but we work out whatever comes our way.
I happened to drop by here the other night to see this post and comments and there was one thing Amy said that really made me think. I was very reluctant to post because we (our families) are (in my opinion) in a very peaceful place right at the moment and I don’t want to drum up any negativity but this is something I really felt needed to be said. It is in response to this statement:
“If an out of control bus is heading toward your step-child and your biological child and you can only save one… which one would you save?
It is not that step-parents are not wonderful people and we can debate the whole who child is it… but when it comes down to it blood is thicker than water.”
Here is a question to answer that question. If you have two BIOLOGICAL children and an out of control bus is heading toward them and you can only save one, which one do you choose? They are both blood and surely, as a mother, you love them both equally. At that moment in time, blood isn’t of any relevance. As a stepmother and a biological mother, I can truly say that ‘blood’ has no relevance to the amount of love I feel for either child. I love them both equally. There is no rhyme or reason to how or why it is, it just is. Some things (like who, how, or why you love) can’t be explained. If I were so unfortunate to be placed in that kind of situation, I really can’t give an answer to who I would save. Just as if I were asked to answer that question about two biological children.
Amy, you aren’t a stepmother right now but someday you might be. When the day comes that you find yourself with a man you love that has a child that is not biologically yours, ask yourself the question that you have posed to us. If you still feel the same as you do now, that blood is thicker than water and without a second thought would save your child over one that is not ‘yours’, then I would hope that you would not marry into that family and be a stepparent to that child. It is the stepparents that have that attitude who give stepparents a bad name and are the ones that cause the most harm to the children they help to raise, not the ones whose love sees no bounds.
Like I said, I am not writing this to start anything. This is a complete aside from our situation and I just wanted to offer up something as food for thought. Amy, I appreciate you asking this question because it allowed me to take a moment to reflect on how I feel about your son and the place he holds in my heart.
Take care all, and Happy Thanksgiving.
Danielle,
I always appreciate your insight; thanks for sharing. Personally, the issue, for me, isn’t whether or not blood is thicker than water. I don’t know where that came from. The issue is whether or not I deserve a place in my son’s life that I have helped to raise for the past 8 years!! More importantly, the issue is also whether or not my husband deserves this type of treatment. Simply put, ex-wives can’t continually revoke or drastically limit visitation RIGHTS based on how they feel (because they get mad). My husband’s ex-wife treats visitation as if it were some sort of privilege rather than a right. My husband has a RIGHT to see his child, and my stepson has a RIGHT to see his family…period. It has nothing to do with blood versus water or who’s going to jump in front of a bus for who. It just comes down to basic rights.
Well, I’m off to enjoy some of my sister-in-law’s famous apple dumplings.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
Danielle,
Thank you for your comments. I feel exactly as you do. Unless you are a step-mother who loves their step-child unconditionally then you won’t understand your statements and I do. Our responses to Amy’s dialogue had everything to do with whether or not blood is thicker than water because it was insinuated that Blendingin should allow only the bio parents to raise their child and that somehow her feelings or her thoughts about the situation were null and void because she isn’t blood related. They absolutely do! And, furthermore, we are a part of our husbands which make us definitely an important part in our step-children’s lives. I feel very strongly about this and I feel that I as a step-mother can show her and teach her things just as her parents and her step-father can, individually. I can never and would never try to over-step my role and be try to be her mother, but she and I have a special bond and together that to me is definitely thicker than “water!”
Happy Thanksgiving to All!
Diane
Danielle, I appreciate that you feel that way. I think your biological difference was well put.
Thank you for taking time to think about my comment, and not just react. That is really all it was meant for. And to answer your question, In an instant I would likely save the child that I could save. Sometimes in life we really do have to make those kind of choices. They are not fair choices, and either decision would likely leave me guilt ridden for not choosing the other. It wasn’t the right question to ask, but hopefully it made for some thinking time.
Although, when I hear you say that you love your child and mine and your husband’s child equally, I feel sad. It sounds nice and sweet, but it denies the differences and uniqueness of both of them. I grew up with a mom who loved my brother and myself “equally” so I have a bias.
As far as me being a step-mom. I don’t think it is a pre-requisite to love a child as my own in order to be a part of their family. I surely would love the children, but if they have a mom and a dad, then it is not my place to love them as my own, as they are not my own. It is my part to love them as children and human beings, to respect them and help teach and care for them, but not to love them as my own child. It is just not my place.
I just think each situation is different and my role is/or would be the role that best fits with the family I am in. Most importantly it would be dependent on whether or not my involvment would be a help or a hinderence to the family units and especially on how it would affect the children. I am not an all or nothing thinker. I truly believe that there are many many ways to love people and I choose to love each in that way. In my world, equal is reserved for math class, and people are not numbers.
And yes, as Danielle stated we are mostly peaceful. We don’t argue, we don’t talk, we don’t work together to move in a positive direction for both families, They do their thing and I do mine and our son lives in a parallel universe. It is hard for me to accept, but I do.
Blendingin, I am harder on you because you are training to be a family counselor. I was hoping that you would drop your bias. Yes, you are both a bio- and step-parent, but your two situations are not the only situations. There are other views. Relationship and family counseing is a very sensitive area and needs to be unique to each situation and care needs to be taken to make sure to allow each family to work out what is bets for them and accept there decisions. Maybe try to sit back and put your self in your counsleor role with your family, take away your feelings and look at it objectively. It sucks, yes. It is not fair. From what you have said there is an underlying reason the visitation ended that I am no quite sure of, but needs to be taken in to account, Mom and dad need to be looked at in a truly objective manor and in this situation, you need to step-back and let mom and dad hash it out and accept their decisionss. Trust your husband to do what is best for him and his son and accept it. I know it hurts you and it is hurting the child, but he needs you more htan ever right now… to allow his parents to work through a difficult situation. Be a support for him. You will get through this.
Take care,
Amy
Amy
Amy,
I really don’t need you to be hard on me because I am in pursuit of my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. Although, I respect your opinions, I don’t need them to validate my educational training. I have professors for that, and they assure me that I am on the right track, but thanks anyway. As far as viewing each situation differently, I do. Once again, as I’ve stated over and over again; THIS IS MY BLOG. As such, it is comprised of not only my published articles that I’ve written on the subject, mixed with some opinion, but also MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. What you need to do is remain unbiased. Instead, you tell me that my stepson IS NOT my child and are very adamant about it. That might be how you feel, but it isn’t how I feel. What you do Amy, is derive conclusions about my situation based on how you feel instead of the information given to you. I do sit back and allow my husband and his wife to work out their differences. I do support my husband and like I’ve stated before, my husband wants to see his child so that is what I am in support of. NEITHER OF US WILL SUPPORT HIS EX-WIFE IF IT CONTINUALLY MEANS KEEPING MY STEPSON AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY. If you can’t grasp that, Amy, then I really don’t know what to tell you. Other than my husband’s ex-wife, I’ve never dealt with someone like you before. However, I am open and willing to try to understand your position. I just don’t, at this point. All in all, I just hope that you don’t allow your unilateral view points to interfere with your son’s relationship with his paternal family.
I’ve stated over and over again about being truthful with ourselves; not allowing our internal emotions that have absolutely nothing to do with other person to interfere with doing what’s best for our child. If you are bitter because your husband moved on, then deal with without it affecting your child. If you just can’t deal with someone else being apart of your child’s life, then deal with it, but don’t let it affect your child(generalization: I’m not necessarily talking about Amy). Most ex-wives have much more power than their ex-husbands and their new wives, yet they are always the ones playing victim. In my case, my stepson lives with his mother the majority of the time, when she is actually adhering to the court order. She chose his school. She chooses his activities. She determines his doctors, dentist, etc. She makes the majority of decisions involving this child. By that same token, when she gets upset, she determines whether or not we see him and for how long. How can I or we be doing anything to her?? We don’t have the power to do so. All we do is react to what she gives us. As I’ve stated before, ex-wives can choose to be difficult or choose to be helpful by encouraging their child to forge relationships with ALL family members; not just yours and not only your ex-husbands. Get that emotional baggage off of our plane. Be appreciative and grateful that you have second moms and bio-dads who even want to be apart of your child’s life. There are so many of both who don’t even desire to have a bond with their child. Deal with your emotional baggage in a way that doesn’t affect those around you, including your child. Be mindful of the fact that your child needs your support, too. He needs you to not make decisions based off your emotions, but instead do what’s best for him. He needs you to be certain that he continues to have a meaningful relationship with the other side of his family, and he needs to actually witness you supporting that. No child needs a parent who keeps up constant conflict just because they have issues. The blended family is not the place for you to work through your personal issues. They do have therapists for that!
Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!
My sentiments exactly Blendingin. Amy, I am sure that if Danielle didn’t care for your son or didn’t want to love him, I am certain you would make an issue out of it as well. Take heed and maybe your situation will improve.