Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting
March 17, 2010 by Kela Price
Filed under Stepfamilies
Divorced Parents on All of Us
I often watch the television show, All of Us, produced by Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith and is loosely based on their own lives. It’s about a divorced couple who is working together to raise their son. The ex-husband has a live in girlfriend, but the ex-wife does not.
If you watch the show, you will immediately pick up on the obvious double standards that exist in their co-parenting relationship. For example, the ex-wife is allowed to freely enter her ex-husband’s house, using their son’s key, whenever she likes; but, her ex-husband has to knock when he goes over to her place. The ex-wife demands to be told what’s going on in his relationship with his long-term girlfriend (when they are getting married, when she could move in, etc), but when he asks what’s going on with her new boyfriend, she tells him that her personal life is none of his business. On another episode, the ex-wife demanded to be part of the birthday planning that her ex-husband and his girlfriend was planning for their son, but she had already had a birthday party for him, and neither her ex-husband nor his girlfriend were invited.
I realize that everything on television is not real, but Will and Jada Smith have admitted that the show is loosely based on their own stepfamily. Loosely based means that although some concepts may be exaggerated to a certain extent, something similar has happened in their own lives. Not to mention, that I’ve spoken with several divorced dads and stepmoms who also frequently complain about the double standards that exists within their stepfamilies as well. For example, ex-wife wants to know everything that’s going on in ex-husband’s house and relationship, but doesn’t offer and even refuses to share, information regarding her own relationship or household. Ex-wife demands to be invited to any and everything regarding the child, but doesn’t even tell ex-husband about the activities that she plans for the child. Ex-wife is adamant about having unlimited access to the child while he or she is in her ex-husband’s care, but dad’s access is very limited and strictly based on the ex-wife’s rules alone. Additionally, according to author, trailblazing researcher and psychologist, E. Mavis Hetherington, ex-wives tend to be more intrusive and remain bitter and angry for much longer than their ex-husbands, post-divorce.
All of the above information supports the claims that double standards, more often than not, exist between the ex-wife and the ex-husband. What I, along with many others, can’t understand is why they exist. More importantly, why are these double standards continually accepted by society? Why do mothers think they have more rights than fathers who are just as involved (or at least want to be) in their child’s life? Why does society view ex-wives who exhibit this behavior, as victims who are just in pain, or the protective mama bears who are just trying to protect their children? Why does society convince us to believe that the children need protection from a father who is fighting to be with his children?
What’s even more important than why is how? How do we change our perception of how co-parenting relationships should operate? I’ve always been an advocate of and highly encouraged healthy boundaries from the very beginning of the divorce. Having a child gives neither parent an all access pass into each others’ lives after the divorce. Neither parent needs detail regarding what’s going on in their ex-spouse’s relationships or marriage or household (unless of course it is harming the child). Furthermore, when the child is in your house, the parent caring for him or her at that time is in charge of the child. Both parents are in charge of their respective households and allowing overlap only leads to the double standards mentioned above.
Overall, it’s important to realize that you can have a great co-parenting relationship without being totally engulfed in each others’ lives. And, fathers need to realize that they aren’t doing a disservice to their children by setting healthy boundaries for their ex-wives. Ex-wife should not be allowed to have each foot in both her and her ex-husband’s household and vice versa. Doing so, only increases chances of resentment, conflict, miscommunication and all out war.
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I agree. I have spoken with many ex-husband’s in recent months who have the same exact complaints. Mothers who use their children as excuses to be an intruder on their child’s relationship with their fathers are not only doing a disservice to the person they made the conscience choice to have a child with but to their own child as well. The cause for concern lies in the fact that somewhere down the line, the child ends up “reading between the lines” and resents the parent.
Humankind has always been self-serving and largely self-deceived. This hasn’t changed, nor is it likely to any time soon.
Double-standard is simply another way of saying unfair, unequal, unbalanced, and often times describes hypocricy.
Again nothing new. It just still sucks.
The most I believe any of us can do is speak out in our own situation, with a clear understanding that double-standard behaviour is a far bigger thing than any of our situations. So we do our best without any expectation to fully control our situation.
And where possible, influence others around us.
In doing so, we have done as much as we can without frying ourselves into exhaustion, bitterness, resentment and futility.
Ciao.
Chaz
While I agree that children are not an all access pass into a divorced couple’s private lives, I DO think that when my daughter is visiting her father I should have an all access pass TO HER. That means I should be able to communicate with her in what ever way is appropriate for her age (phone, email, webcam, etc.) so I can stay in tune with her life. School events and extra curricular stuff? I’m going even if it is his visitation time. Also, I should be able to drop by and check on her any time…provided I give the common courtesy to call first and knock on the door when I get there. But, the thing is, in all these areas…I expect for him to feel he can do the same. And should he be solely responsible for her when she is in his house? Depends. Yes, he gets to decide what she watched on tv and deals with discipline when she is with him. But there is a line (and I’m not totally even sure where it is)when if something is going on with that child that we both need to be involved with then it is up to him to call me(emergency medical situations and whether she can miss school to go on an out of state trip with him are scenarios that come to mind). In short, neither parent can just do what they wish during parenting time…they still need to be accountable to the other parent.
Thanks for your feedback, Jenn! I agree with most of what you said as I think the majority of it should go without saying. Of course you’re entitled to go to extra curricular events, even if it’s on his parenting time and of course he should call you if an emergency arises. What I disagree with, however, is having an all access pass to her. I do believe that she should have an all access pass to you but when you allow so much freedom like dropping by whenever you want to check on her and having unlimited access to the child during the other parent’s visitation, in my experience, parents have abused such flexible rules. Some custodial parents, including myself at one point, have admitted to calling NUMEROUS times a day just to check on the child and I don’t believe that’s necessary. Again, I do think that the child should have unlimited access to either parent but as parents, we shouldn’t allow our emotion to dictate our decisions. Let’s be honest our desire to call is more about satisfying our need than it is the child’s. If they need us, trust me, they will call and they will not feel any less loved by us, if we go a weekend without calling numerous times a day. Once per day, yes – but not multiple times a day.
Thanks for stopping by and keep that great feedback coming. I love hearing from parents who are in the trenches everyday!
Kela
Kela…My daughter is still very young (she is 5 now and she was 2 1/2 when we divorced) and at that age no, they can not get a hold of us if they want to. They rely on their parents to pick up the phone. That being said, yes, you are right, calling multiple times a day and dropping by with out a heads up would be abuse (and I’ve never done that).
I think you are right that the children should have an all access pass to the parents…but until they reach a certain age it is up to both parents to make sure that happens. Thanks for the great post!
Jenn,
Okay, that explains it. I was going to mention that age definitely plays an important factor in determining the frequency of contact when your baby is away. At that age, the child really needs to maintain that frequent contact with both parents and you’re right, it’s up to the parents to make sure that happens. In our state, courts usually award short frequent visits for children who are very young as opposed to longer extended stay visitation. I can definitely understand your rationale!! It’s hard for parents to be away from their children, especially without contact, when they are that young. And I know how much they change at that age and flexible visitation and rules allow for both parents to be present during those changes as much as possible.
Kela