It is hard for me to write on controversial subjects using my own blended family situation because my situation is very different from most of our readers. I get along very very well with my husband’s ex-wife. She is very good about including me in all decisions that she feels may need input from all of the parents in my step-daughter’s life. But, in reading our blog and listening to other readers describe their feelings and concerns, I feel the need to ask…..Don’t we step-mom’s have a right to have a say in what goes on in our step-children’s lives? I know we didn’t give birth to our step-children and we may or may not have been in their lives very long, but we are, most of the time, their main caretakers when they are with our family.
Don’t ex-wives want to know that their children are safe and loved during visitation with the non-custodial parent and vice versa if the father has custody? So shouldn’t all step-parents have a say in what goes on in their lives? I just think that step-moms sometimes get the brush off more than step-fathers because usually, that step-father is the main father figure in the step-child’s household and the bio mom almost always never second guesses herself and allows him to be included in decision making.
I would like to hear your thoughts on this. I want to state again, I don’t personally have this issue, but I am always somewhat baffled at some of the responses and comments from bio moms that don’t think their children’s step-mothers deserve any say in anything with their step-children.
Diane
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Absolutely.
Stepmothers, and any stepparents, should be involved in the decision-making process for anything that impacts them, which would include anything that impacts the stepchildren.
I don’t mean that they should necessarily be primary decision-makers, although in my situation I am the primary caregiver for my stepchildren because their mother has abdicated just about all responsibility for them and I DO have the role of decision-maker in their lives, but that stepparents in general should be involved in the decision-making process.
That may be just that the stepparent and his/her spouse discuss events or opportunities and the spouse represents the stepparent’s interests in discussions with the ex. It may be that all are on friendly terms and stepparents can be directly involved. It may look different for each family, but stepparents should absolutely, without question, be involved in the decision-making process for their stepchildren if the decision in any way impacts them. I can’t think of a many situations in which stepparents aren’t impacted by decision-making for their stepchildren, so I would say that it would be best to err on the side of over-involving stepparents.
I agree with Stephanie.
Personally, I am by no means a primary decision maker for my step-son. When my husband and Amy email back and forth about decisions that need to be made about their son, I don’t send a supplementary email interjecting my two cents about the matter. My husband is perfectly capable of representing what WE believe is best for our family as a whole. He is able to do this because he respects me and values my opinions and always discusses matters with me first. This is the case with ALL aspects of our life, not just what pertains to my step-son. Neither of us goes and makes a decision about anything before first consulting with the other and that’s the way it should be. For my husband to work solely with Amy regarding matters pertaining to their son with no regard to me would be like my husband making decisions about the money he makes with a financial planner but not including me in the process. They both would be working together in the best interests of the subject (i.e: my stepson, money), the decisions made would have an effect on me and our family as a whole, but because neither are technically ‘mine,’ it is being implied that don’t have the ‘right’ to express my thoughts and feelings about it and that frankly, that just isn’t right. What it all boils down to is a matter of marital respect and working with your spouse to make good decisions for your family/household and THEN working with the necessary parties outside of that immediate circle to execute a decision/compromise that will work in the best interests of everyone involved.
So, that is how I see it. Like Stephanie said, no two people or situations will be the same and of course the answer to the question at hand will be different accordingly. This is just the way my husband and I see it, and how we operate. Thanks a bunch for letting me share, and take care:)
~Danielle
The most important factor that blended families must consider is that there is a marriage involved. That marriage must be protected and respected if both parties in the marriage want it to last. As such, the married couple must discuss matters (most matters involving the children will affect both people in the marriage) with each other and then work with the parties outside of the marriage in order to work out a compromise or make a decision that will be best for everyone involved. Many ex-wives (this is just a generalization based on my experience) think that it should work the other way around just because THEIR child is involved. This is not only disrespectful, but completely inconsiderate, to the women who are often primary caregivers to your child. Stepmothers, however, need to also be respectful by not calling, emailing or writing to the ex-wives to interject their ‘two cents.’ Instead, they should communicate with their husbands and then trust that they will represent their views as a whole. Having said that, there are some families where the step and bio parents can communicate directly about issues involving the child. In my experience, however, I would recommend leaving important matters in which potential tension can erupt, up to the biological parents. Otherwise, it will just turn into one big argument. This can happen even in the most harmonious blended families, if not handled properly. Everyone must know their boundaries by knowing when to step back and allow the biological parents to work it out. The step parents can still communicate their views to their respective spouses and offer their support, but in contentious situations they should allow the bio parents to correspond.
I agree with everything said here, but I do know that sometimes things are actually discussed with me before they are discussed with my husband because sometiems he can be very forgetfull. I think it helps that we have a great relationship because we (me and my husband’s ex wife) rely on eachother when it comes to things like special events, pick up and drop off’s, etc. I guess I am just blessed. But, I believe that if more bio moms and step-moms try harder to work together (of course, if there is a mutual agreement to do so and one party isn’t just plain crazy — there are a few of those as we know) tensions and stresses can be relieved so much better. But, when there are potential tensions between my husband and his ex-wife about an issue, I obviously don’t send in my two cents with an email or anything of the like, but usually I am asked my opinion regardless. I think step-parents can be such a great influence on the lives of their step-children and it’s is so much better to be loved by 4 parents!!! My step-daughter always says she is lucky because she has 4 parents! That is a great feeling!
IMHO – someone would have to be incredibly naive to not think a birth parent is going to speak with their spouse before giving their decision to the other birth parent. I am NOT friend’s with T and I do not directly ask her for her opinion on things but I know, 100%, that A and her talks about stuff before giving me a finally decision on things. I also know that emails from A are either 1) written by T or 2) represent their opinion on the matter at hand.
Same goes for me & my hubby – WE – decide what we are going to do about something before I send him an email. We decide everything together just as A & T do.
I feel that it would be disrespectful to a marriage not to include the other parent in the decision making of the children. With that in mind, I don’t want to hear from T directly, she can write the email to me from A’s email address but I don’t want to hear from her. Now that I am thinking about it, I’m not quite sure she writes the emails. Emails directly from her are very rude but emails from him are a little softer so maybe she just gives him ideas but he is the one that actually writes it. Either way, I don’t want to hear from her directly but I know, without a doubt, that they discuss things before talking to me about it.
It is weird to me that they talk about things but they assume me & hubby don’t talk about things. A would send my hubby emails trying to “tell” on me when he didn’t like a decision we made, like I decided it without speaking to hubby and A was going to “show” him what I was up to and make me change my mind. But I would BCC: my hubby on all the emails and we would discuss what I was sending before I would email it.
In conclusion, all 4 parents should, and probably, are included in the decision making; even if the stubborn parents doesn’t like it.
I completely understand how you feel, Serendipitous. When there is tension involved or has been involved, but not anymore, it just makes the situation way too complex to speak directly to a step-parent about decisions involving the child. Secondly, if it is disrespectful to exclude the step-parent, it’s equally disrespectful to bypass the bio-parent and go directly to the step-parent about issues or to make decisions involving the children. The step-parent should absolutely be involved, but it is his or her spouse’s job to include him or her, not the ex-spouse.
At the end of the day, the biological parents should correspond regarding decisions and issues pertaining to the child. It used to burn me up when I would bring an issue about our son to my ex, but he would immediately put his wife on the phone to discuss it with me. This issue would be about him not paying the court ordered amount of child support or something of that nature. I certainly don’t mind her being included (it’s not my place to tell her that she can’t be because that’s her husband) in the decisions, but I didn’t have the child with her so I don’t want to discuss certain matters ONLY with her. And, I have no animosity towards her at all and never have. As a matter of fact, we get along great! We aren’t best friends, but we’re definitely friends. Again, I think that step-parents should absolutely be included in the decision-making process, but not at the exclusion of the bio-parents. With that said, I do agree with Diane, my ex’s wife and I do discuss certain matters like pick up and drop off times, etc. Men are way too forgetful!!
Thanks for your comments, Serendipitous!
Thanks for all the good comments. Serendipitous, I agree with you about speaking to the bio parent first. My husband is very forgetfull and my husband’s ex, Julie, would tell me things because she knew that I would make sure they would either (a) make sure they got done and (b) remind him of the same, etc. but at one point, my husband actually seemed to get a little peeved at her because she came directly to me on certain matters and asked that he be told first (“both Julie and I knew that was really just a pride thing”) because she obliged and he still ended up forgetting things he shouldn’t have been forgetting. All in all, we are back to the way we were. Obviously, situations or concerns that are of major nature are definitely discussed between the two of them first, but I still handle certain matters so that he doesn’t forget. I am a legal secretary by day and I am a very organized person and it just works better for us because I remember everything. ;o)
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One other comment, I do have to say in response to Serendipitous’ comments about her situation. One thing I think is disrespectful of her ex’s wife is sending rude emails on her husband’s behalf. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT AS A STEP-PARENT. I don’t and would not speak for my husband unless for some reason he didn’t have the ability to do so on his own or unless he directly asked me to. To me, that is an insecurity on the part of her husband’s new wife.
T does have issues with insecurity, i’m not sure if it is insecurity about her marriage to A (Which I have told her time and time again that he is all hers and I want no part of him) or her role in K-boy’s life (which again I have told her that K-boy is very luck to have all this love around him). I’m not really sure what her issue is but I know she has HUGE issues.
When it all comes down to it I can’t tell A or T what to do in their marriage or what they do when they have K-boy, I understand that I can only control me and what I can do when K-boy is with me.
I can’t stand her but I can’t ignore the fact that she is his stepmom and the person that takes care of him majority of the time when he is with them. I would be lying to myself if I didn’t think they would discuss stuff regarding K-boy. She is, after all, one of his parents and deserves to a say in what happens with her family and what works best for them.
So yes, stepPARENTS should be involved in decision making for the children that they take care of. And the bio-parent should also get a say in the decision making for the children.
I agree, it is totally wrong to send rude emails to the ex-wife. It just makes the situation more complicated. Having said that, I will not tell you that I haven’t done so. In the past, my husband showed me certain emails or sent them to me, and the ex-wife was just berating me! Because I am human, I got upset and felt the need to retaliate. Even though I felt like it was completely justified for me to do so, I still wish I hadn’t. It just made our situation that much worse. It is my husband’s job to defend me. By that same token, it’s his job to protect me from his ex-wife’s wrath. Meaning, I should have never seen the emails. He should’ve just handled the situation. Additionally, his ex-wife should not have sent the emails. It’s immature and doesn’t make the situation better; only worse. There’s no reason for personal attacks because they only make the situation personal; not about the child.
Serendipitous, I respect you because although you dislike T, you still acknowledge her presence in your son’s life.
I agree and respect that as well. I also feel that email is such an impersonal way of communicating because it doesn’t show people’s true emotions and people can be so crude in writing as opposed to being in person. You can’t read a person’s true feelings via email and the person writing most of the time can end up being more rude than usual due to the fact that it’s easier to write than it is to talk.
Recently my husband was informed by his ex-wife that she “would not be sending any emails because she had no guarantee that he would receive them, be the one reading them, or responding to them”.
The insinuation is obvious, that I would keep her emails from my husband and/or reply to them on my own. I am his wife now and we have absolutely no secrets. I would never take it upon myself to try to handle things with his ex. She’s HIS problem, not mine and I frankly don’t have time to deal with her petty dramas. I found her insinuation and behavior very juvenile. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years, together for almost 7, she’s sent plenty of emails in the past, so why all of the sudden is this a problem now?!
My husband and I discuss EVERYTHING and he asks for my input when it pertains to dealing with his ex and his daughter. Sometimes I think she still has a thing for him because she tries her best to drive a wedge between my husband and I, and she tries to find excuses to call him over things that could easily be emailed, plus she still hangs onto his family like a tick on a dog. My husband is a very busy man and he doesn’t have time for her petty little tantrums and drama. She calls over insignificant things yet never notifies him when it’s something important.
Apparently her insinuation is based on her own behavior, but I am a different person than she is and I put the girls first always. I am his wife, I’m not going anywhere and she’s just going to have to realize that! My husband and I discuss everything and a decision isn’t made in our home without both of us making the decision together, and she’s fooling herself if she thinks it’s otherwise.
A step-parent has a say! My daughter’s father acknowledges my husband’s role in our household and treats him with the respect he deserves. I am the primary care taker for my step-daughter when she is in our home and she and I are very, very close. I have a say whether the ex wants to acknowledge it or not.
It’s a very sad thing that she touts herself as a Christian and a family counselor, but the way she acts toward myself and my husband is hardly a reflection of either. I just wonder if she’d advise her clients to behave, toward their ex and current spouse, the way she behaves toward us. It’s dysfunctional on SO many levels!
So to my husband’s ex…You can create all the drama you want, you can throw your insinuations, you can behave like a tantrum throwing child all you want, sista, but I am his wife, I am in your daughter’s life and I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!
P.S. My husband nor I have ever sent his ex-wife a rude email. She on the other hand has sent plenty! It’s easier to reach him through email because he’s so busy and he works nights, so he’s not always available to return phone calls during an hour when she would be awake.
I agree wholeheartedly with you Stacy! It seems as though your husband’s ex does still have feelings for him and that is where the problems she creates exist. You are doing the right thing!!!
I am the primary parent of my two boys and then the sometimes parent of my husbands two girls. Truthfully with my boys I discuss what is best for them ie..school and what goes on in our household with my husband, then I relay the info to my ex if I need his back up on an issue. On the flip side if something comes up with the girls he deals directly with his ex. Sometimes I get to have conversation with him and discuss “our” position on something but mostly they make the decisions. They are only here every other weekend so it would naturally make sense that their mother be the primary decision maker for them.
I always agree that the natural parents are the primary decision makers, not just because they spend more time with her or him. I think that the natural parents are for obvious reasons in control but that step-parents should be included as long as they are playing a major part in the child’s life. It shouldn’t be one-sided as it is in most households wher bio mom has primary custody. The step-father usually has more say than the step-mother. I don’t personally have these types of issues, but I also am not offended if for some reason a decision is made and I am not a part of it.
Thanks for your comment.
It goes without saying that the biological parents should definitely be the primary decisions makers, if they are both an essential part of the child’s life. But, the step-parents should be included in CERTAIN decisions; mainly the decisions that will affect them and their households. I am definitely not offended when my husband and his ex (although my husband is often excluded from most decisions concerning his son) make most decisions without me; such as school or extra curricular activity choices, doctor or dentist choices and other things of this nature. I do, however, have a problem being excluded from decisions that I have to be involved in. Simply put, they (my husband and his ex-wife) just can’t make the decision and then inform me about what I’m going to do. If it’s going to directly affect me or my biological child, then we should all sit down and work toward an optimal solution that’s best for everyone; not just them and their child.
I’m a Mom and my ex-husband (in which we’re both remarried) have 50/50 custody. However, we live in different towns and my kids go to school in his hometown.
My problem is that my exes new wife is my children’s primary caregiver. She is currently housesitting for her mother, in which her and my children are staying there, but my ex husband is staying at their house. This is strange to me because my exes wife’s mothers home is in the same town as my exes home. My ex said that he’s getting a lot of work done while they’re gone.
I work from home and want my kids to live with me and go to school in my home town. My ex will not give them up. he says that their home is there and that their school is there. Although I agree that stability in the same school is important, my kids aren’t being taken care of by him. They’re being taken care of by their stepmom. (who is very nice by the way).
Should I take this to court since obviously my ex isn’t the one primarily taking care of them and I have the circumstances and great desire to have them with me?
What’s your thought?
Hi Jakki! Thanks so much for stopping by.
I am sorry that you’re in this position. It’s tough when you’re really trying to make decisions based on what’s best for your children. I am sure that your decision to allow your children to remain in your ex’s hometown was based on just that [doing what's best for them]. However, being cared for, primarily, whenever possible, by both of their biological parents is equally important. My questions to you would be: 1) How many days of the week do you get to see them as you stated that you share custody? 2) How many times a week does your ex actually have them since his wife is caring for them outside of their home? 3) Is there a reason why your children live with your ex in the first place?
All of those questions would definitely influence whether or not I would take my ex to court. But, just from the information you’ve provided above, if my children weren’t being primarily cared for by me or my ex, then something would definitely have to change. While I’m sure that your ex’s wife is a great person (after all, she’s caring for your children), I don’t think it’s fair to you, to her or to your children to have her primarily care for them; especially when neither you, nor your husband share a residence with them.
Here are a couple of options to consider:
1. Take your ex to court for physical custody as it’s almost impossible to have joint physical custody when you both reside in different hometowns. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they will adjust to a new school. If one is a senior in high school, then it might be best to allow him to finish out the year in his current school. Other than that, kids move all of the time, and they adjust.
2. You mentioned that you worked from home, so how possible would it be for you to move to the town where your children reside? This way, they could live with you, stay in their school, but still have unlimited access to their father.
I hope I’ve helped in some way, Jakki. I’ll repost this scenario so that readers will have a chance to respond as well.
Grace and Peace,
*Kela*
I became a stepmom to my then six year old step daughter when i was 21. her mom did NOT want anything to do with me and I was shunned from the family for quite some time. however, after proving myself in a number of ways that i only want what’s best for “our” daughter (I call her that because me, her two biological parents and her step father all consider ourselves now to be one parenting unit) I was then allowed to at least have input on major decisions pertaining to her life. Obviously at the end of the day it is the biological/legal parent that gets the final say, no matter what the opinion of the other parents may be, but it definitely eases tension between the adults and makes a much smoother lifestyle for the children when everyone can respect eachother, AND their opinions when it comes to the benifit of the children.
Sarah:
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Wow, your family has really come a long way and I say “Kudos” to all of you. It is nice to hear about families that do their best to make it work out for everyone and not just the parents involved.
Please feel free to stop by anytime!
Diane