It’s ALL About Me!
May 11, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under Love and Marriage
In our relationships there are times when all we think about is our own personal interests and our own needs. We actually refuse to see our spouse or significant other’s point of view, nor are we open for communication. With that being said, conflict is inevitable; however, most of the time, it isn’t the conflict itself that is the problem or how it is potentially resolved, but it is about our own attitudes and issues.
Sometimes in our relationships we get in a funk. We fall into that “it’s all about me” attitude and we aren’t focused. This holds especially true when conflict arises. We tend to convolute the issues by bringing up past issues and problems that hurt us, or ones that we make “all about us” and we don’t allow our focus to be on the present or our actual feelings today. At that moment, we skew all understanding of what is really happening and we make our situations more taxing.
Having empathy in our relationships is one of the single most important values to have. When conflict arises, instead of tending to only think about ourselves and our own personal feelings, we need to instead flip it and have empathy for our partners. With that, we can in turn see one another’s point of view. We can also see our problem or issue more objectively which will then lessen the focus on the argument at hand.
The following are some tips on ways to improve your personal attitude when you are suffering from what I call the “it’s all about me” syndrome:
- Listen to one another intently. Do you ever find yourself sitting there when your spouse is talking to you and you are thinking about tomorrow’s work or what you are going to cook for dinner that evening? Many of us have been guilty of this. It is important to remember that solid communication takes two to achieve. In our marriages and relationships we have to remind ourselves what is most important to us. Let’s be perfectly honest, there are times when what our partner has to say to us (or what we have to say to them) isn’t really that interesting. However, truly engaging ourselves with one another, no matter the subject, reflects true communication.
- Own your own issues. Rarely does fault lie with one person in a relationship. When we argue or have hard times, we tend to place blame unfairly. We tend to shy away from admitting when we are at fault or plain wrong. It takes learning humility in order to feel confident in admitting your own faults. The positive to having such humility is that it opens the door for your spouse to do and feel the same and sets an important example. As I always tell others, humility should certainly not be taken for weakness. So, own your own issues, admit when you are wrong and move past the problem.
- Empathy, empathy, empathy. I cannot stress it enough. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and walk in them. Feel what they feel. By doing this, you will see a clearer view of their reasoning and their opinions. Hopefully, with both of you exercising a little empathy, your focus will lessen on the issues.
- The “Right” Factor. You do not always have to be right! Get over yourself. You are a partner in your relationship. The definition of partner means two people in a marriage or relationship that share a common interest, an ally, a teammate. Instead of demanding to be right, find compromise. Look to resolution instead of allowing “the win” of the argument to matter. In a relationship that you value, being right or “winning” should be the last thing on your mind. Because feeling like you have to ”win” at the expense of your relationship or your spouse/partner’s feelings, means something is desperately wrong.
Finding balance between our feelings as spouses takes work. Having respect, listening and reminding ourselves to be effective communicators with one another will lead you out of the funk of ”it’s all about me” and into “we are a team” attitude.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
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A strange duality… the propensity of humanity to be self-centred while we equally need others, relationship, community and inter-dependence. How do we balance it? Big question.
Certainly we cannot abandon self. As much as we hear this taught, I still do not see how it can work. We are primarily responsible for our own selves. If we don’t take this responsibility, nobody will do it for us. Not effectively.
So I truly believe that we are hard-wired for self-care and self-preservation at a primal level. So what happens when the heat gets turned up? We digress to primal self-preservation. Perhaps anyway.
I think people successful in relationships are people who maintain an effective balance of self-care and giving and care of others. Too much self-care is selfishness. Too much care for others can be codependence and self-neglect.
But ya, I too can get quite “all about me” when tired, cornered, or angry. I think it is just human nature that we have to mature through in our journeys of personal growth.
So here we go again…. we are the only ones who can take charge of our personal journeys…. back to the “self” thing again.
Tricky stuff!
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
You are absolutely right. It is tricky to learn how to balance our interpersonal pitfalls but it is absolutely cruical within our relationships with our husbands, wives, partners, etc. Without that balance, albiet there are going to be times where every human errs and back-slides, we set our relationships up for lots of trials and tribulations.
In my opinion, some ways to balance this would be:
1. Learning to have strong two-way (NOT just one-way) communication with your partner;
2. For every negative issue that arises, find something positive to also focus on;
3. Have patience;
4. Learn to have a caring reciprocity and a “give and take” attitude;
and most importantly,
5. Be willing to compromise. This, to me, is the most important asset a couple can share. Without it, it’s darn-near impossible to make your relationship work. If your attitude is one that you ALWAYS have to have the last word or it ALWAYS has to be “your way or the highway” then there is a serious problem.
I understand that in the midst of anger or being backed in a corner, one obviously at times will resort to becoming self-preserving. It is hard not to, but doing ones best to balance same will result in not only a strong mutual respect between you and your partner, but an even stronger individual.
Again, thank you for such a great comment!
Di
No problem Di… glad to contribute. The subject of your post is extremely important and one that I have known both sides of first-hand.
I have been the selfish one who would not listen. For me, it was a sneaky form of being one-sided. I never said any of the common verbage like, “my way or the highway”. So I thought I was being fair and gracious. My M.O. was more often to state my point then shut down. Basically, I would play the impossible role. My wife would then often give in rather than put up with my withdrawal. Yuk! Was that ugly of me.
This of course was just one among many dynamics that killed my first marriage. But through the pain of it, I did learn to open my mind and ears so much more. Life is so much different now. So much more peaceful and so little stress and conflict. Not yet perfect, but so much better.
For example, today, I was at work and had to cut short a conversation with my wife due to a business urgency. She sounded a little miffed at me telling her I had to go then she just hung up. No good bye like we usually do. I was hurt and a little pissed. The setting and my old programming was trying to get me to be resentful and show her by being cold when I got home.
Instead, I simply said that it “felt like” you hung up on me and that was hurtful. My wife explained what happened and realized she may have hung up too abruptly. I opened my mind and simply accepted what she said. I apologized for having to end the conversation quickly. We hugged and put it behind us. Done. Exchange of information (two way), grace for the rest (patience), no resentment, focus on the positives of our life together and evening ahead. Basically most of your list above.
We both listened, heard, repaired, and moved on. So, so, sooooo much simpler than trying to prove either one of us was right. Marriages have crumbled over lesser issues.
Glad there are better ways. Thanks for posting abotu them.
Ciao,
Chaz
Chaz,
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Many will read your response and hopefully follow in your footsteps. As you explained, it is easier for us, during times of disagreement and/or just times of irritation, to take the easy road instead of the high road as you did with your wife. Instead of coming home and making things worse, you had empathy for her but at the same time, you expressed yourself. That is having successful two-way (not one-way)communication and it is so extremely important.
As I have said in the past, there is something very intimate about truly “listening” to our partners/spouses. Again, thank you Chaz for such great comments. You’re wife is a lucky gal!
Di