It’s Nothing Personal!

In the past, I have been told these words but it wasn’t until experiencing a small blended family crisis of my own last year did I really and truly find out how powerful those words can be, how powerful the meaning of them truly is and how I could apply them in several aspects of my life.   I found, through that experience, that my life, is better understood when I resolve myself to not take issues or situations too personally.  Life is easier this way for me.  Moreover, life is entirely too short for allowing myself to make issues “about me” instead of applying them to their rightful owners.  Now, does this mean we cannot be helpful at all regarding issues within our blended families should we be asked for help?  Absolutely not.  However, what I am saying is sticking our noses in other folks business and taking on their problems is not healthy for us period.  History tells us that stepmoms tend to try to carry the cross for everyone in the blended family, especially for our husbands when issues arise within the blended family, and it is not good for our mental, physical or emotional health and well-being.  This philosophy holds true for our work environments and also within our own households with our own children as well.  And, to be perfectly honest, once I jumped on the bandwagon, there was no stopping me.  I applied this rule within my life with my grown children as well.  I don’t take it personal.  Their issues are theirs and theirs to deal with.  I can give advice and if they decide not to take it, well then they deal with the ramifications. Not me.  With that being said, my stress level has become next to nil.

Historically, stepmothers have always felt the need to be the “be all and do all” or the “fixer of many things” not realizing that some of those stresses and issues just aren’t ours to deal with and sometimes our involvement, especially when unsolicited, can be downright irritating.  We skew the understanding of our roles. What stepmothers need to understand is that just because you are a stepmother and wife doesn’t mean that you have to own your husband’s problems or issues.  Should you be there for him?  Yes.  Should he be able to lean on you for understanding? Absolutely.  Should you take over and handle issues for him that he is perfectly capable of dealing with and should be handling himself?  Absolutely Not!  And, furthermore, if he doesn’t ask you for your help or if he happens NOT lean on you and prefers to handle an issue directly with his ex wife about his children, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL!  Having these very unrealistic expectations of yourself and your role will cause more confusion.

So, stepmoms or soon-to-be stepmoms, stop trying to micro-manage every aspect of the lives of those around you and take that energy and time to work on yourself.  Whether that be by spending some quality “me” time with yourself at the spa or, like I try to do once or twice a year, rent a hotel room for a night and enjoy the quiet, relaxing time  alone.  Your children, your husband and the pressures of life will be there upon your return.  Take time to re-evaluate and re-invigorate  your role and yourself.

If you’re doing all you can at your job and your efforts go under-appreciated, don’t take it personally and bring it home with you after work.  If your stepchildren are having a hard time accepting you, do what you are supposed to do as a step-parent and don’t take it personal.  If your spouse’s ex has an issue with you, assign that problem back to it’s rightful owner and don’t take it personal!   Release that stress.

Remember, being the “be all and do all” won’t make your step-children love you more or make you feel more appreciated, it will only run you down.  Taking care of ourselves, our families and being who we are within our blended families is enough.   All the rest comes with time and is gravy!

Peace & Blessings,
Di