When Counseling Doesn’t Work
June 30, 2010 by Kela Price
Filed under Love and Marriage
Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills. Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.
That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.
Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.
It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.
Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.
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Your post brings out many important points that I sincerely hope will reach many readers.
As a veteran of a lot of counseling, both personal and marital, I concur wholeheartedly that there are circumstances in which counseling is not effective. Yet, were the right factors are in place, counseling can be the gateway to a saved marriage, an family remaining intact, healing, and restoration of relationships and individuals.
Some of the factors as I have experienced them are:
– Realistic expectations of the clients.
– Willingness and open-mindedness of the clients.
– Competence of the counselor.
– Followthrough by all parties outside of the session work.
– Time.
I had a bad experience with a counselor who quite recklessly recommended separation to my and my now ex without any kind of plan or guideline for what the seperation was going to look like or what it was going to accomplish. No dialogue about how we were going to raise kids, pay bills, deal with our personal issues, where everyone was going to live, how much communication, what mode of communication, etc.
I won’t blame the demise of my first marriage on this counselor’s incompetence. His efforts however did not help. They moved us further onto the slippery slope of divorce at a time our marriage was troubled. Kinda like seeing a doctor to help you with a bad back and he recommends lifting heavy weights using only your back. Duh.
This is now many years ago and I have since found out this counselor is known in his community as a marriage-buster. He is that incompetent. Frankly, he can be described as foolish. But he does have a diploma on the wall and that appears to be all it takes in our juristiction.
In addition, my ex had made up her mind that she wanted out in advance. So there was really no meaningful willingness on her part. We had 2 sessions with this guy, then she refused to have any others. Yet claimed we had “done everything”. So clearly her mind was made up and the counseling was just for optics.
On the positive side of things, I have since seen 2 different counselors who helped my new marriage along. We went to a counselor when we decided we were headed for what felt like marriage. So we went to someone we had researched and trusted. Laid all our cards on the table and asked her if we were nuts. She said, ‘no, you are not. But you do need to be realistic about some important things’, such as completing the emotional detatchement from our previous marriages, the state of our finances, our parenting and step-parenting roles, career impacts, and extended family involvements.
When this first counselor became unavailable in the past year, my wife and I began seeing another who has helped us work through complicated issues now that we are married and living in a blended family.
I found the first bit of guidance hard to take, but I thought I would play the first card of open-mindedness and followed his advice for my part in an early issue. Lo and behold, it got the desired result. Thus my strong point about open-mindedness. None of us know what we don’t know. And why would we pay someone for guidance, just to revert to our old thinking anyway.
We should go in with the attitude that we are going to borrow the thinking of someone who is likely to be wiser and less emotionally tangled than we are in the current situation. Of course, we should never throw common-sense or wisdom to the wind. But we must be willing to take advice to some degree that we are paying for.
Albert Einstein is quoted as saying, “We can’t solve problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them”.
And like it or not, we are part of whatever problem exists that we are seeking counseling for. Even if the fault is 98% them, and 2% us. If we do not take full responsibility for our 2%, we are not doing our part and we likely have far less chance of coming to a solution. The mere act of our open-mindedness will help the cause and serve as an example to our spouse who may very well need this encouragement.
Reality is though that the proportions of fault are far more likely to be closer to 50/50 or at least 80/20.
And final point about timeframe. Yes, we live in a 1-800 and Drive-through culture. We can get anything at any time. We can bank 24-7 and eat 24-7. We want a pill and an instant cure. I have yet to see this exist in relationship counseling or personal growth. We have to do the doing over time in order to change.
Thanks for this post. It is most valuable to those considering counseling.
Ciao.
Chaz