What are your top (re)marriage concerns?
July 12, 2010 by Kela Price
Filed under Stepfamilies
Many of you know that Diane and I also own and operate a counseling practice that caters only to people experiencing stepfamily issues. When we do sit down with couples, we immediately realize the source of the problem, and often times, it’s with the remarried couple. The wife doesn’t feel appreciated, respected and/or supported by her husband. The husband feels as if the wife just nags all the time for no reason and doesn’t understand why she just won’t concede because his children are important to him. Both just assume that the other doesn’t or won’t understand. Neither take the time to actually convey how they feel, until they sit down with one of us.
Diane and I firmly believe that the source of strength for the stepfamily is the marriage. If the marriage is not solid, the stepfamily won’t be. Our focal point is not on getting the children to love their stepmom; getting the stepmom to be friends with the ex-wife or getting the divorced parents to be friends. Although there is nothing wrong with any of the above-mentioned, it isn’t what we think is necessary to create a solid stepfamily. The stepfamily can still survive if the stepmom and ex-wife aren’t best friends. It can survive if the divorced parents aren’t friends, but it will not make it if the remarriage is in disarray.
And so, we want to hear from you? What are some of your top (re) marriage concerns? You can either leave them in the comment section of this post or email us directly at info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. The follow up article will be filled with tips based on your concerns.
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Remember TMF readers, stepfamilies don’t fail and marriages and remarriages don’t fall apart overnight. Couples go through a process way before they arrive at their desire to divorce. Usually, one or the other in the relationship endures a time where they know that their are serious issues but they choose to ignore them until it is at the breaking point stage. With that being said, there is hope. Core values can be taught that can help you get through the issues you are facing as a stepfamily. We are here to help!
Peace & Blessings,
Di
1. Insecurity.
2. Being too dependent.
3. Being irresponsible financially.
I guess this is not about remarriage, but more on the problems that occurs among most couples. If only there’s a quick solution, but I understand it’s always a process….
I agree that in a stepfamily the marriage must come first or it will not survive. I do not agree that a strong marriage will make a strong stepfamily. A strong stepfamily, in my experience, is dependent on the bio-mom’s attitude. If mama isn’t happy, no one is happy. In my case, I feel like we have two stepfamilies going. My kids, husband and I are one stepfamily. My husband’s kids, he and I are the other stepfamily. The stepfamily with my kids is very stable. We all enjoy each other’s company. My kids and husband e-mail and call each other and do stuff together. I might add that my kids also have a good relationship with their father and their stepmother. My second stepfamily, on the other hand, is incredibly dysfunctional. My husband’s ex-wife is extremely bitter adn her kids know it. As a result, his two oldest children have completely cut him off, for years now, and his youngest daughter is on the road to cutting him off as well. She will disappear once she turns 18 in a few months. We survive that stepfamily turmoil because we share a deep love for each other and are determined that his children and ex-wife will not come between us.
Hi Ellen,
You made some excellent points and as I’ve said before, nothing I say is absolute as there will always be some exceptions to every rule. The good thing is that your husband, your kids and yourself are very stable.
I might also add that my situation is much like yours and ironically, I still consider my family to be strong. My husband, my son, our son and I are a very strong family and we all get along very well. My son also gets along with his stepmother, father and other siblings, too. My husband and his ex-wife’s relationship, on the other hand, is like the Civil War all over again and as a result, my husband has suffered years of parental alienation. However, my son and stepson still talk on the phone and text each other frequently. Sometimes we all get on speaker phone with him and talk about the memories that we created over a period of years. More importantly, we don’t let the drama overshadow our marriage and family anymore and to me, that’s what makes us strong.
Everything won’t be perfect and you’re right, there may be years of rough patches. Conflict in the stepfamily is inevitable, but if you maintain consistency and unity, which are built on the foundation of a strong marriage, the chance of it [conflict] correcting itself is far greater than the alternative. It all starts with a good foundation and that’s what you can control – your marriage.
Thanks for stopping by and good luck to you and your family!
Warmly,
Kela
Thanks Kela for responding. I guess I forgot to mention, that my top remarriage concern is parent alienation syndrome. You are fortunate that at least your son and stepson speak. My stepdaughter who is still speaking (barely) to her father (she has never really spoken to me in 6.5 years) has told him in no uncertain terms that my kids and I will never be a part of her family. She doesn’t even consider her father to be a part of her family. As far as she is concerned, her family is her mother and two older siblings. It is so sad that some bio-moms spend inordinate amounts of energy getting their kids to hate half of who they are. I worry about the long term damage to their physical and mental health. marriage is more important than