Advice from Relationship Coach…Lacee Jacobs!!

Diane,

I want to acknowledge your courage, your pain and the overall challenges that you have needed to endure to raise your son. I know that if  I had been in you shoes, I may not have done anything differently. Before moving towards offering the help you’ve requested, I want you to know that I have compassion for your journey.

My intent is to offer you support that could end your suffering. Many times in relationships, we choose suffering without knowing that we are making a choice. it is usually an unconscious choice that is accompanied by payoffs and hefty prices.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by this based on your experience.

Your Potential Payoffs:

• Being Right About Your Son’s Father – We love to be right. We choose being right over being in a relationship every day.
• Feeling protected – If you stay bitter, you may never have to be hurt again by this man. If you truly forgive him, you may be thinking to yourself “who knows what he could do this time around?” The big walls we construct for people gives us some false sense of safety.
• Attention/Sympathy – This one is always a hard pill to swallow. It requires us to be really honest with ourselves. The truth is if feels good to have someone show us attention. The best way to find out if this is true is to ask yourself how many times you’ve told this story about your son’s father over the years. Notice your motivation for telling the story.
• Enrollment- sometimes we are just looking for someone to side with us. We feel like if we can get people on our side then it won’t hurt as much.
• Playing Small – In a speech by Nelson Mandela, written by Marianne Williamson, he said that our greatest fear is that we are “powerful beyond measure.” Notice your choice of words, “it’s eating away at me (1st paragraph) and “My son doesn’t understand the things that his dad took away from me during those years of abuse. He took everything from me. My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart.” It feels like you have given your power away. Who would you be in the world if you took all of your power back? When you share your story again, reframe your words and replace “he took from me” with “I gave him” and see if you notice anything differently. Changing our language alone can start to empower us. I hope you begin to see that you are powerful enough to rewrite your story.

Your Potential Prices:

• A stronger relationship with your son
• A stronger relationship between your son and his father
• A working relationship between your son’s father and you that models forgiveness
• Greater success in your life. It takes tons of energy to keep this in place.
• Your self-esteem
• Peace
• Harmony

I do not know if any of the statements I have made are true. I invite you to write down what you believe are the payoffs and prices for you. Once you have completed your list, ask yourself if you are willing to continue to the pay the prices in order to receive the payoffs. If you are no longer willing to pay the prices, make a list of what you need to do or who you need to become to have your prices become your payoffs.

Example:

I choose to be forgiving in order to create a working relationship with my son’s father.

I will bring a heart of peace and encourage a relationship between my son and his father.

I will only tell my story when it will be used as a tool for making a positive different in someone else’s life or I am seeking support for my own personal development and growth.

I will release the past so that my family may have peace and harmony.

I pray that his exercise will have you moving towards a greater sense of awareness and unconditional love for yourself and others.

Thank you for allowing me to contribute.

Lacee Jacobs

Certified Relationship Systems Practitioner

www.myinspiredinsights.com