Dad’s: Stop Wallowing in Guilt!
August 13, 2010 by Diane Greene
Filed under Stepfamilies
Parenting from guilt can be considered one of the seven deadly sins of the blended family and remarriage. Knowing that the adult problem of divorce affects not just our lives but that of our children, is not only discomforting, but heartbreaking. When a woman divorces, she more than likely becomes a single-parent overnight. As a result, it seems as if she turns on a mechanism that doesn’t have time to cater to the effects of guilt feelings right away, due to the fact that she has to put on and wear several hats at once. Single moms are actually encouraged to put guilt aside and avoid blaming themselves. However, with most of my male clients, I see the “guilt parenting” from the start. In fact, most men that I meet that are divorced say the same thing…”My children don’t live with me so when they are with me, I overcompensate for not being there on a daily basis.” So, essentially, most fall into the trap of being a “Disneyland Dad” and/or they allow negative thoughts to consume their feelings which in turn causes them to hazardly parent their children. They believe that by “doing” things with their children instead of actually “being” with their children it will make up for their daily absence in their lives. WRONG! The myth that a non-custodial parent has to pack every single minute of the time they share with their children with fun activities and/or by giving or buying them things actually does more harm than good. Dads….your children need a father not a playmate. They need a structured environment, not a funhouse. They need you to parent without guilt.
Loving our children doesn’t mean that as divorced parents, everything is always going to be hunky dorey. We don’t prove to our children that we love them by showering them with gifts every other weekend or spoiling them beyond comprehension. When we do this, our children equate “love” with “things.” More importantly, loving our children means disciplining them when their behavior isn’t favorable (whether that be due to blended family issues or any concerning issue for that matter). Many times, many non-custodial parents (and some custodial parents) will not hold their children accountable for their behavior, especially when there is a step-parent in the home which in turn sends destructive mixed signals to the children.
Often times, Dads try too hard to protect their children from the issues that ultimately they will have to face as a child of divorce. Albeit natural, we all want to protect our children from pain, but at the same time, we cannot brush problems under the rug and believe they will simply go away. By doing this, they are not allowing their children nor themselves to heal from the wounds divorce creates in the first place. With the guilt, they over-protect, which is a lot of the time to the detriment of the mental well-being of their new wives, their children and themselves as well. As Dr. Wednesday Martin has said about divorce…”when unions dissolve, children do suffer.” My advice would be “why make them suffer more by pushing them into “poor Dad or poor Mom” mode?
Parents, let’s be realistic. We make mistakes and some of our mistakes are big ones! NO parent is perfect. Looking back on my 23 years of parenting, I know I have some guilt. Heck, I can’t blame anyone but myself for some of my errors. However, if we wallow in the guilt of our past mistakes, it hampers our ability to parent effectively. Plain and simple, there are no easy answers to parenting. It’s all about trial and error and making the best of the situation we have at hand.
Parents, children equate love with discipline, structure, boundaries and the love that we show them on a daily basis, not by the “things” we do with or buy for them. For example, making them respect their step-parent at all times is huge. This teaches them unity, love and respect. If you allow discord, you teach discord. If you allow unruliness, you teach unruliness. In other words, if you teach what it really means to parent effectively by showing love and respect, they will always find and implement that in their own lives.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
“21 Quotes That Will Change Your Life!” is the latest (and first) eBook creation from Today's Modern Family writer and The Joyful Mind Project contributor, Aisha Quinece. It’s 94 pages long and filled with inspirational quotes, stories, reflections, and insights specifically designed to help you grow while creating the life you always knew was possible.
To receive your FREE copy today, all you need to do is SUBSCRIBE to her newsletter, “Create Your Life” or, follow her onto Facebook and LIKE her page. Visit www.aishaquinece.com to do so.
"My hope is that the book inspires you to continue making meaningful changes in your life while making a positive difference in the lives of others." ~Aisha
Di,
I’ve been divorced for ten years now and have a ten year old son whom I love dearly. My only goal is to be a part of his life, a positive influence, and guide him into adulthood, you know, a good father. Which is why I chose to stay local instead of move away when my marriage failed. My ex, does everything she can to erase me from his life and constantly tells him what a horrible person I am and that he is a fool, is living a lie, for loving me or wanting a relationship with me. She has remarried recently and he likes his new step Dad. I have a fair amount of respect for him too and the fact that he seems to treat my son well, this is a blessing.
I read your article above and would agree that I exhibit some guilty father characteristics however, I’m not a Disneyland Dad and I do set boundaries. I spend time with my son every opportunity that is afforded me even if it’s just to hang out. I want to be the best dad for him that I can but I have guilt because I left an abusive marriage and feel like I abandoned him in it. Though I knew I would be a better father for him outside of that environment than within I feel like a failure on some level because of my decision.
The fact is, being a divorced father who wants to be involved with his son is not an easy life and I do try to make the best of it for the sake of my son and myself. I’ve tried to move beyond the past and heal and have urged my ex to do likewise. I’ve tried to make amends and have extended an entire olive tree in an attempt to reduce conflict but she won’t have it. As a result I feel as if I’ve been at war for ten years and there is no ending in site. She makes constant assaults on my time with him either by playing on his feelings to convince him that he doesn’t really want to see me after all or by enticing him with fun activities and scheduling events during our time together. In addition to this making demands and attempting to set rules of how I can spend my time with him to exert her control over my visitation.
I find myself operating in crisis mode on a regular basis because I don’t know what she is going to do/try next and I feel like I have to protect myself and defend my visitation rights. I call her out on a regular basis when she tries these things, I try to have rational discussions with her about issues my son tells me that happen at their home. Only to have her retaliate against him for sharing ‘secrets’ of his home life. She thinks she is hurting me by playing out this childish vendetta. But in the end it is only my son who suffers. Why can’t she see this? At times I wonder if I’m having a positive impact on my son or if I should just leave. In the end I will never give up on my son and I will always be here for him. If you have any insight it would be greatly appreciated.
J.
J.
Let me start by saying that I appreciate your comment and your honesty therein. Let me reassure you that just from your comment, I can tell that you are absolutely making a positive impact on your sons life. What parents don’t realize when they are playing these childish games is that they are not fulfilling their end of the contract that they are responsible for in their childrens lives. As parents we are responsible for making sure that our children have healthy relationships with both parents. At times, I even feel that some parents hold their children emotionally hostage in order to avoid their own feelings of abandonment in their own lives. To me, your ex is playing he victim with your son so that he falls into the trap of feeling as if he is responsible for her happiness. In a healthy divorce, both parents help their child (as you are) work through their feelings. Unfortunately, your ex, like I said above, isn’t holding up her end of the bargain.
I would say that you need to make sure you reinforce your court ordered visitation so that you are consistent (as you have been) with your time with him. Your normalcy with him will be what he holds onto. Do your best not to allow her to infringe on your time with your son. You have a right to have uninterrupted time with your son. Follow the court order to a “T.” Keep a journal of every time your time is interrupted, changed, etc. If you have to, go back to court. Lastly, remember, your ex wives truth is different from your truth. So, how she sees your situation is different than how you see it. What she tells your son about your divorce, you can do nothing about. All you can do is continue to do what you are doing and be a good dad. Your example will always shine through in your sons eyes, regardless of what your ex tells him.
Please feel free to stop by anytime. I value your opinion!
Di
Di,
Thanks for your input it definitely helps and reaffirms my mission. This week is my son’s spring break from school and I was to have him for the entire week. Yet another occasion where things didn’t go as planned. I dropped him off last Monday evening because he had a scheduled event with his mother and I was to pick him up the next day at 9am. I receive a text message at 8am telling me that she was not going to be dropping him off at 9 and was in fact going to be keeping him the rest of the week because I left my son at home for half a day while I had two business meetings to attend to. Despite the fact that I had a trusted adult in the house while I was away to watch him; she texted me that this situation was unacceptable and that she would take vacation time to spend the rest of the week with him and that I had the option of putting him in a camp but chose not too therefore my time was forfeit. I texted back to her, texted because she refuses to speak to me, that she can’t do this based on our parenting agreement.
Enter the manipulator. I receive a call from her cell phone, which is extremely rare, and it’s my son telling me that he wants to spend the rest of the week with his mother. Inwardly I am enraged because this is typical behavior for her and yet again my visitation is being sabotaged. She typically has my son do her dirty work but I remain calm. I tell my son that this is my scheduled time with him and explain how important it is to me that I get to see him. I ask him is this something that he really wants or is it something that his mother wants? He asks me to hold on and I hear him speaking in muffled tones to his mother. He rejoins our conversation only now to say that he wants to spend every other day with me instead of the whole week. I sigh and tell him to go somewhere where he can speak freely. I ask again if this is what he really wants and he says yes. I am upset by his decision, I’ve been stymied again. I concede to this new arrangement and end the call. He is in a difficult position and it’s hard for him to speak to me when his mother is standing right there listening in and guiding his conversation. She will not allow private phone calls with me whenever possible even going so far as to delete my number from his cell phone to prevent him from calling me when she’s not around and she checks the call log to see if he called me back if I leave a message for him when she’s not there.
I pick him up the next morning and he can tell that I’m not happy. I simply tell him that when we get home we need to have a talk. I didn’t speak the rest of the trip back to my house.
A break through.
We arrive at my house and I sit him down next to me at the dining room table. I face him and explain that I was disappointed and saddened by his decision to cancel half of our time together. I reiterated that the times I get to spend with him are limited and every second is precious to me. I remind him that he gets to spend nearly every weekday and every other weekend with his mom and step dad. I tell him that his mothers agenda is to reduce any time I have with him as much as possible and to alienate him from me by the derogatory statements she makes, limiting communication, and by other assaults on our relationship. I go on to explain that I know he is in a difficult position caught between our competing wills, that I don’t want him to be caught in the middle, that I don’t want things to be this way.
He sat there for a moment on the verge of tears, silent. I tell him that I am not angry or upset with him and want him to be honest with me about his feelings, that he is in a safe place and that anything he tells me I will not share with his mother. He takes a deep breath, his shoulders slump and he tells me that the reason why he wanted to split the week was because he was trying to make both of us happy and he thought a compromise of this nature would do that and keep him out of trouble with his mother. I said thank you and told him that he is a great kid and that his heart is in the right place. I told him that I loved him and was proud of him for being strong enough to share his true feelings with me. That there is nothing more important in my life than him and despite all the drama surrounding our situation we are in this together, I am not going anywhere and that he is worth it.
I told him that, like him, I would like nothing more than for the four of us; him, mom, dad, step-dad to all get along and be friendly. I said I’ve tried to improve things and cultivate a new kind of relationship with his mom and step dad but these efforts have been completely rebuffed and that unfortunately we are not dealing with a rational person.
I told him now lets look at the problem and see if there is anything we can learn, see if there are any tools we can use to improve things for us and ultimately find a solution together.
I explained that there are a few things he needs to understand about this situation before we can move forward and that we will have to set up some rules and boundaries to keep things on track. I described the current situation from a perspective that he hadn’t thought of. I said his idea of compromise is a good one but is not a useful tool in this case because it can easily backfire on us as we’ve seen this week. He said well at least we get to spend half the week together, that’s a win. I said no it is not a win and here’s why. Anything less than spending our full measure of time together is a loss for us. In your mothers mind any time no matter how small that she can take back is a win for her. I told him that our relationship is important and we both must work together to protect it. He agreed. I said we are going to try a different strategy and that is to set boundaries. From now on, I said, I will deny any changes to scheduled visitation not authorized by the parenting plan. I told him that this would take the pressure of the decision off of him on who to spend time with and is the most positive step I can make toward an immediate change that will have the greatest impact. This way she can be mad at me and not you. I told him this is my boundary to enforce. For him I said that when ever his mom tries to alter the visitation schedule all I want him to do is simply say ” I am supposed to be with my dad. Why are you changing the schedule?” This is your boundary to enforce as best you can. I said this is the first of many steps we are going to take to improve things and that we should start small and work towards larger changes. We will try this for a few months and see if we need to make adjustments or try something new.
J.