Stepmoms Stop Whining

The title of this post may seem a bit harsh but as a reformed whiner baby, let me explain what I mean when I say, “quit your whining!” Like Peggy Nolan, publisher of Stepmom’s Toolbox blog and co-host of Stepmom’s Toolbox radio show, said in a recent guest article, “you can’t make someone love you by the number of things you do,” so quit whining about everything you do and everything that’s done to you and just stop doing it. Now before I get a load of emails from ex-wives and even some stepmoms, claiming that the big bad stepfamily counselor told them not to love their step children and/or support their husbands, I can assure you that that’s not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that it’s okay to verbalize what you will and won’t do, instead of doing it and then whining about it later.

The number one stepmom complaint that I’ve heard, read and even experienced is they [husband and ex-wife] makes plans for their kids without consulting me, yet they expect me to be involved in the plans.  For example, husband and ex-wife sign kid up for little league soccer, but neither of them can take him; or they scheduled an orthodontic appointment for you to take her to, without consulting you. I know it isn’t right but you don’t have to whine about it. You don’t even have to get angry. All you have to do is say NO! Let’s use the same orthodontic appoint ment to illustrate what I mean. When you find out that the appointment has been scheduled for a time that you can’t take her and no one has consulted you, you simply go to your husband and say, “honey bear, sugar foot, cupcake, baby (whatever pet name you use), you really should have consulted me prior to scheduling that appointment because I can’t take her. Since you two made the plans, one of you will have to take her.” If hubby says, okay and he’ll have ex-wife take her then you further explain that he’ll also need to be present for drop off and pick. And you let that be the end of the story. You don’t have to fight, get angry, or give him attitude about it. You simply have to state what it is that you will and won’t do and then go about your business.

As I stated earlier, I am a reformed whiner baby. I used to whine and complain all the time about how my husband and his ex-wife would take advantage of me. They made plans all the time and he got up and went to work and she was no where to be found. Bear in mind that I had to go to work, too. He just left before me and I was always left, baffled asking, “what in the hell just happened here?” After complaining for years, literally, I realized that I was becoming a bitter whiner that was just unpleasant to be around. That was until I got a clue; I actually have more power over the situation than I think because I can simply say no and let them deal with it. Now this of course ruffled the ex-wife’s feathers, but my husband actually understood where I was coming from because I approached him the right way. From that point on, he never made plans without consulting me again.

Here’s the revelation ladies: you have way more power than you think you do and will fair a lot better and reduce stress by controlling what you can instead of trying to control how everyone feels about you. Running yourself into the ground by doing a bunch of things in hopes that you’ll be appreciated or considered the good stepmom only makes you a bitter person.   Additionally, remember it’s all in how you approach your hubby as well; just say NO, without anger or attitude and go on your merry way. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be and fit this unattainable notion of what a stepmom is. As I’ve said before, a stepmom doesn’t have to be the resident punching bag in order to be a good stepmom but often times, it’s the stepmother herself who places herself in that position. Just know that you can be loving, kind, supportive and caring without being taken advantage of. Putting your foot down (in certain situations) doesn’t make you bad, but it will keep you sane.