In doing some recent research about the relationships step-parents share with their step-children, I was refreshed with an article I read a while back, a few years after first becoming a stepmom. The article begged a post here on Todays Modern Family not just because of its relevancy, but because of the importance it holds not just for step-parents facing this issue, but for gay and lesbian couples as well. I recently experienced such an experience with my step-daughter and I just had to post this article in its entirety for our readers. I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding same.
Are Step-Parents Real Parents: Published by Time Magazine (Circa 2006)
This week the Supreme Court let stand a ruling that ultimately could affect as many as one-third of all Americans – anyone in a stepfamily. But you’ll probably never realize it from any news reports on the ruling.
The case comes out of Washington State. Sue Carvin and Page Britain were lesbians living together since 1989. Their baby, L., was born in 1995, using an at-home artificial insemination kit and some sperm donated from their gay friend. Page Britain carried L. and gave birth, but Sue Carvin became the stay-at-home mom while Page worked to support the family. Their child called Sue “Mama” and Page “Mommy.”
For several years they were a model of lesbian co-parenting. But Page grew upset that Sue didn’t earn much money, and Sue was hurt that Page didn’t recognize the value of her sacrifice. They split up when L. was seven years old. Ever since, they’ve been fighting for custody in the courts. Or sort of. Because the courts couldn’t agree on whether Sue Carvin even had the right to fight for custody. She nurtured the child, but she wasn’t the biological mother. So what was she, in the eyes of the law?
Washington State decided that Sue Carvin has the right to argue she’s a “de facto” parent. This new classification can apply to any non-biological parental figure – and it specifically mentions stepparents. So while the case appears on first glance to be about gay-and-lesbian rights, it may have a far broader impact.
Consider that for every 1,000 couples with children in the United States, only two of those couples are same-sex-oriented. Meanwhile, thanks to the huge number of second marriages, a third of all Americans are part of a stepfamily. The question “Are they real parents?” applies not just to gays and lesbians – it applies to every stepfamily. That’s what the kids are testing when they angrily scream, “You’re not my real mommy!” And when the biological mother hears that her son has been spanked by his stepmother, she wonders, “She can’t do that, can she?”
While we closely monitor how gay rights are granted and taken away, we pay almost no attention to the fact that stepparents are in the same legal limbo. Despite being ubiquitous, step-relationships are rarely recognized by the law. In most states, stepparents are considered “legal strangers” even if they have cared for and supported a stepchild for years. They have almost no official responsibility and barely any rights.
What kind of rights are they deprived of? Some are remarkably banal. For instance a stepparent can’t sign a child’s school report card or field-trip permission form. Others are significant. A stepfather can’t include his stepdaughter on his family health insurance plan, for example. And she can’t inherit from him when he dies.
In the last few years, state family courts have tried to accommodate the stepparents and stepchildren who appear before them, without granting so much that it subtracts rights from a biological parent. In Colorado a stepparent can now sign the form that allows a minor to apply for a driver’s license. And in Oregon, a stepparent can petition the courts for visitation of former stepchildren, if that marriage has ended. In Arkansas, it’s even theoretically possible now for a stepparent to win custody over a biological parent. But in each state it’s a different story, and many states are still in denial.
So a stepmother can take a month off work to care for her sick stepson, thanks to the federal law on Family Leave. But if she has to take her stepson to the emergency room, state law might prevent her from authorizing medical treatment. And if her son ends up dying due to hospital negligence, she can’t sue.
The legal field is sitting on a huge time bomb. One-third of Americans are just one unfortunate circumstance away from ending up in court demanding their rights – where they will be told that those relationships aren’t real, and don’t count.
The U.S. Supreme Court has never been pressed to rule whether a stepparent is a real parent, and if so, under what conditions. But when it declined to review Britain v. Carvin, Washington State’s test for “de facto” parents instantly became a model for other states to replicate. Through a case everyone thought was about gay rights, stepfamilies just opened the door to the recognition they truly deserve.
Over the next 10 years, there will be an explosion of cases testing just how “real” stepparents are. This will never get the attention surrounding same-sex cases, because stepfamilies are just as populous in red states as blue, and no politician can use it to their advantage. Nor are stepfamilies subjected to the same degree of prejudice. Stepparents might be vilified, but they are vilified one at a time – not as a class. However, the systematic bias against them is very real.
Just as the law prefers parents to be one male and one female, the law prefers to limit the number of parents to two. Maybe this is because two is the number of people it takes to make a child in the first place. Maybe it’s because all the government forms are already printed with two signature lines. Maybe it’s because two worked so well for us for so long. But that hasn’t been the reality for several decades, and it’s time for the law to catch up.
Give me your thoughts TMF readers, we would love to hear your opinions on this subject!
You can read the full article at:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1195205,00.html#ixzz0yHi6btPl
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
Kind of a tricky place to be… suspended between what has existed for thousands of years of history versus what we could call the New Reality.
As a parent and step-parent, I see it two ways. One, I would not want to have any of my rights or roles as a parent shared equally with their step father. Even though he appears to offer some levels of support and guidance.
Yet, he is still a visitor in my view. I am my kids biological parent. He does not share equal anything with me, especially since I never asked him to. He can certainly strive to be a positive influence and can, as an adult of the household and husband of my ex, stand for what he is entitled to in those roles, but father he is not. If there seems to be any passion or pain woven through my reply, it’s because I take this very seriously and it had been the source of much pain and an ongoing struggle for me.
Although very happily remarried, I never asked for the divorce or to be apart from my kids. This was a decision solely of my now ex. She wanted it, initiated it, and insisted on it. Now, she refuses to take responsibility for it and has attempted to replace me with him in many respects. At the very least, she has refused to work together.
For a parent who has been extremely involved in his/her kid’s life, it is an utter insult to name any other adult a parent. They are not. A step parent is in a secondary position. They are free to be as good a person and influence and they choose to be. They can be this kind of a person for anyone they influence. But equal to a parent they are not.
Now from the other side, I am also a step parent. My step kids are at a distance from their father right now. They reside with us and Dad has kind of gone off the deep end with a new relationship with a new girlfriend that he puts ahead of the kids. It is sad. So if I am true to my beliefs, I will not try to replace him as Dad. To my step kids, I am Chaz. Mom’s husband, step dad, fun guy, go-to guy, … but no substitute for Dad. And I tell them this plainly. I will care for, help, and defend them. I will do homework, ride bikes, solve problems, and enforce the household rules. Yet I continually support the fact that they owe their father the respect and reverence he deserves, even if he is currently off the rails.
His behaviour, good or bad, does not affect my decision to be the best man I can be. No different than my closest friends of 20 years whose kids call me Uncle Chaz and I try to be the best man I can be in their lives. I do not compete with their Dad in doing so. I see step parenting the same way.
On the lesbian parent situation… well… let’s be reasonable here. It is going to be complicated isn’t it? How could it not be? One of the women birthed the child. Only one could. It is a simple, physiological reality. So, when things go off the rails, like any other pairing of people, what was once “ours” during happy times is now “mine or yours” during crisis. And the non-birth parent is going to be at a disadvantage.
Just like any couple for whom the ship is sinking, one or both will so often grab the first lifeboat and save themselves. I see it happen time and again.
Let’s be honest here, a child between gay or lesbian parents is going to be complicated. They cannot produce the child together and it is by far the exception.
I think the greater onus is on parents to take their responsibility to keep their families intact than it is on the courts to rule “fairly”. The onus is also on adults to be realistic about their relationships and personal responsibilities for being wise and mature people. Not like a bunch of children who get married, produce children, then act selfishly or irresponsibly such that children are left in these messes that the legal system needs to clean up for them.
A parent, in my experience, is not just a person who wants a child. As tough as this may be for some to hear, I believe it is first, the person who biologically created the child, then secondly, if and only if the parent is not in the picture, the role can go to others who are willing to step in and take the responsibility. Stress on RESPONSIBILITY.
The bottom line from where I stand the behaviour of adults and parents. An adult is not measured by age, it is measured by maturity and responsibility. I hope many adults can stop playing house and take responsibility for the long term, through thick and thin, not matter how inconvenient it may seem, to fulfill their role as parents.
Then the question of what the courts should rule will be asked less often and be less necessary.
Mommies and Daddies…. time to grow up!
Ciao.
Chaz
Thank you for that very insightful response Chaz! Your experiences have made you a strong man, father and step-father and your children and step-children are very lucky to have you!
Di
So I was looking for something totally different then this when I found it, but I did. Chaz, I think you are so afraid of losing your own children you would stop other step-parents from making sure they would not lose their family.
I am a mom of 3 step-sons, 1 biological daughter and 1 biological son…Now I love each and every one of them as equal as possible. I have raised 2 of my step-sons since they were 5 months and 15 months, many of times with years with no word for the biological mother. I have looked into adoption, oh yeah – can’t do that unless she signs off her rights. HMMM…she won’t give me that satisfaction. I have me with my husband now for almost 8 years. My boys are now 8 and almost 9. And for these years I have been their mommy…I have done everything from staying up all night with them sick, to Dr. Appointments, all School Functions, etc.
So now you are telling me that after all of this time if my husband gets into a car wreck and die you think this biological mother who has been gone can just walk into my home and take them with her and I should be able to stop her. No won’t happen…I have family that I can get help from if needed but I will sell everything I own to keep my children together in my home with me no matter what ever happens. These are my children and they call me Mom, Mommy, Momma – whatever fits the occasion at the time. I should have all legal rights to fight for them as much as my husband does or the biological mother.
Jenn,
Don’t be discouraged. Your case is so much different than the normal step-parent relationship. What I think that Chaz was trying to put across was tricky. He is a very involved parent, and his experience through divorce and remarriage has brought him to two very different sides of the fence on this subject. Where his parenting is concerned and because he is very involved and close with his children, he doesn’t see the stepfather in a first place position and rightfully so. He does acknowledge however that he teaches his own stepchildren that even though their dad is rarely involved or around, he is still their dad. Chaz is making it clear to them that he will encourage that relationship when the time comes, basically, and that is a good thing (as long as there isn’t any harmful behaviors that the bio-dad exhibits that would be cause for concern). In the interim, he points out to his stepchildren that he will take responsibility and care for them, love them, protect them too. All the things a loving father (and stepfather) provides and that their dad should be doing for them on a daily basis. Encouraging his stepchildren to respect the fact that they do have a bio dad is important, even in his absence and even if they don’t see it at the time. See where I am going? This way, the children don’t grow up with negativity on that end, they can make their own decisions about their feelings later without pressure.
However, in your case, I can totally see why you feel the way you do. I probably would too. I commend you for your standing up when most women might have run from that situation altogether. It is unfortunate, however, in our country that the bio parent does have a lot of rights, even when they haven’t always done the right thing or haven’t been there at all as in your case. Just remember, all that you have been to your stepchildren has not been done in vain. They will always love you and respect you for standing up and doing for them what their mother couldn’t or just plain wouldn’t do. You’ve set a great example!
Please continue to stop by our site. I enjoyed your comment on this post and look forward to your comments on other posts as well.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Diane