The following was written by guest blogger, Chick Hughes
Too much emotion. Too soon devotion. Too many tears. Unfounded fears. When verbalized, all synonymous with drama in the eyes of the all-American male. Men love many things…a hot curvaceous girl invitingly shooting him come-hither eyes, a winning touchdown seconds before a game’s end, freaky uninhibited sex in…well, anywhere…location doesn’t really concern them, a thick juicy steak big enough to consume the plate it’s served on…just to name a few. Any combination of which will render him putty in her hands. But one sure fire way to callously jerk him from his state of euphoric bliss is to throw a little DRAMA his way! Men infamously hate drama…and, of course, women cannot seem to exist without it. I once read a one-liner from a man that summed up how he claimed men feel about drama. In reference to a particular girlfriend of his, he wrote “The juice wasn’t worth the squeezing.” Wow, that says a lot, does it not? Too much juice on her end and not enough thirst on his. Men and women have so much to learn about one another…but in order to learn and enjoy the “juice,” he has to take the time to squeeze. Otherwise, he’ll have so many different flavors of “juice” on his palate, his mouth will be in a permanent state of sour- induced contorted twists. And, walking around with a face like that, his “juice” problems will be all dried up.
Why do men hate drama?
To a man, a woman who is verbalizing her feelings in depth and dwelling on them is creating drama. He hates drama because he doesn’t understand it. Men don’t verbalize problems or feelings. They internalize…go into their mental cave to fix the problem. And if she tries to force her pretty little only-trying-to-help head into that cave, she’ll likely lose it. WARNING: NO interruptions while the “fixing” process is underway. He’s a problem-solver, not a detail thinker. If she complains, cries, or presents him with a problem, he immediately puts on his fix-it hat. He feels he needs to determine the problem, triangulate a solution, and put that solution into motion…then, and only then, in his mind, has he done his job, protected his woman, and made her happy. This is his way of showing his love for her. But, too many emotional details cloud his plan of action and only frustrate him…however he forges on. Once he’s zeroed in on and offered a solution, she gets angry. He’s confused…she had a problem, he solved it, but she’s still angry? He’s not sure what she wants from him. Both have hit a dead end. Let the fighting begin. After going a few rounds, he realizes that he doesn’t know how to fix the problem because she won’t allow him to. She’s just tied his hands behind his back while spoon feeding him a steady stream of drama that he doesn’t know how to digest…eventually he’ll get full and spit it back at her, walk away, and distance himself from the perceived problem. If he’s not allowed to fix it, he feels like a failure. If a man is made to feel like a failure, he pulls back. If he pulls back, she assumes he doesn’t care. Result: more DRAMA…more pulling back…more drama…more pulling back…disconnect. Tip for men: Listen, don’t fix. Determining the “whys to her cries” without attempting the fix may just turn those cries into bedroom surprise.
Why do women create drama?
Some have theorized that women create drama in an unconscious attempt to put a man on the spot and find out his emotional strengths and weaknesses…in essence, judge him on how he handles emotional situations…is he a listener? encouraging? patient? selfish? empathetic? supportive? It’s hypothesized that this “test” acts as gauge as to what her future may be like with him. While this is not a scientific theory, it’s a theory that very much intrigues me. By nature, we strive to find the best suitable mate for ourselves AND the best possible father for our children. His emotional gauge is vital information to this search. A way of eliminating the “bad eggs” and revealing the “golden egg.”
Some scientists claim that a woman who creates an excessive amount of drama and displays needy or clingy behavior was likely the child of neglectful parenting…that the child was accustomed to begging for love and attention and is, therefore, conditioned to think drama is the only way of achieving it. Ironically, in the end, that drama will only achieve the opposite, as she’ll suffocate any man who attempts to love her. Fan a flame, you see light. Suffocate it, you see nothing.
Cold hard truth? Women are emotional beings. Emotional all of the time, yes. More emotional once a month, absolutely. You can bet…she hates her monthly friend more than he does. He may be held captive and forced to watch the hormonal sideshow starring the two-headed, flame-eating woman… but she’s the one tied up emotionally and taken hostage by her alter ego freakshow only to later wonder… “Who the hell was that?” But that’s just once a month…best advice…lower your head and NEVER, ever look her in the eye, as it’s seen as a challenge. And going up against two heads spitting fire cannot end well. She shares her feelings, emotions, and problems not because she wants him to “fix” them. She shares them to establish and nourish relationships. She shares them because she loves him, because she wants to bond with him, because she needs to feel that he understands her. It’s just that simple. She’s not looking for a solution. She doesn’t want, or need, him to fix her problem. If she does, she’ll ask. Otherwise, she only wants him to listen. She wants him to validate her feelings and empathize with her. She wants him to be quiet, listen…and say “I know. You’re right. I can totally see why you would feel that way. Is there anything I can do?” Validation…check. Empathy…check. This response will calm her, reinstate him as her rock, and make her fall in love with him all over again. Soon her meltdown will begin to solidify. Once it does, she’ll be equipped to move on, get over it, and possibly get it on. Emotion (hers, not his) followed by sex is the ultimate connector. With the almighty power of this combo, not only is he her emotional rock…he’s her sexual Hercules.
Men must realize that women and drama go hand in hand…understand this, accept it, and learn how to respond in a way that will make her respond. Cutting off her emotional sharing will in turn cut off her connection to you. Keep all connecting roads open…and you will find many short cuts to the destination of your sexual choice. Women must realize that sometimes we overdo the drama. While it’s a necessary evil with us, too much “evil” will wear down the devil himself. Keep the emotional sharing on a short leash. Too much running rampant will result in piles of crap everywhere. And if he’s not allowed to clean it up, he may leave the park.
Realistically, it’s not within a woman’s grasp to attain No-Drama mama status. But, with a little understanding and effort, she can totally rock his world as his Low-Drama mama.
Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://chickhughes.com/ to read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.