Being a stepmom has been one of my greatest accomplishments. It has also been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever undertaken. I say this not because I have a terrible stepkid that presses my nerves everytime she is with us, as a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite. I have a fabulous stepdaughter with whom I feel I share a great bond. Are there times when I know she doesn’t like what I have to say about a particular subject? Sure. Are there times where I am sure she has a slight attitude with me? Probably. However, for the most part, my life with my stepdaughter is great. She is one of the most important people in my life. She is my only daughter and I enjoy the time I share with her. At the same time, however, my “stepmom” life has had it’s ups and downs mainly due to the fact that I had to retrain my brain on my standards by accepting and learning from my mistakes, and understanding my role.
Think about this, approximately half of all Americans live in a step-family. Therefore, every single day there are stepparents out there, just like you and me, who are undauntedly taking on the task of step-parenthood and this job is one of the most difficult jobs there is. One of the main mistakes parents make when step-parenting is that they feel as if they have to be the “be all and do all” for their stepchildren. We feel we have to stop everything just to accommodate everyone, including our own children, our spouse, the exes or the family pet for that matter, all of which usually goes unappreciated. If you are guilty of this as I once was, STOP! Know this, everyone ends up resenting the martyr. Martyrs make people feel guilty and when guilt arises in any relationship, resentment builds. Having this attitude is an unrealistic expectation that you are setting for yourself and essentially for those around you.
Another unrealistic expectation that some stepparents have is that their stepchild is going to, or should automatically like or love them; they will surely want to call you “mom” or “dad” and that all of you will be one big happy, loving family. This idea is totally unrealistic. Eventually you might get there, but it takes understanding, effort, hard work, consistency, and most importantly, time. Remember readers, stepchildren experience a wide variety of conflict when a divorce creeps into their lives. They don’t need extra baggage.
Another issue I have seen with stepparents is they want so badly to be a “friend or confidant” with their stepchild that they go way too far. For example, they turn the clock back and try to relate as if they were the same age, they withhold information from the child’s parents, they want to be on their level in order to gain acceptance. You are a parent and it is your job to do just that — help to parent your stepchildren along with your husband and/or wife. I tell my clients all of the time, a child has a child’s place and so does a parent.
Lastly, I would like to impress upon you readers, and I know you have heard it all before, however it is worth rementioning. Never, ever ever bad-mouth the ex in front of the children. For example, don’t stand at the front door and mimic your husband/wife’s ex. Don’t use pet names for him/her in front of the children and never fight with your husband or wife about the ex in front of the children. This only adds fuel to an already grieving child. Private feelings about the ex should only be discussed in just that — private with your spouse. What this eventually causes with the child is resentment and coarse feelings for you and for your spouse. This even holds true when your stepchild is badmouthing his or her parent and/or other stepparent. Do not fall into the trap of agreeing with them. If your stepchild brings you a valid concern, take it to his/her parent.
As I always like to state, children live what they learn. If they see us handling our situations with anger, back and forth drama, they will do just that. Do not become a stepparent that expects gratitude, things will not always be “peachy keen,” but at the same time, remember, you are the grown-up and we need to handle our standards in that fashion.
Peace & Blessings,
Di
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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Are you kidding me? I think this is so funny that this is on the same page as Amy Chua. Do not expect gratitude, what should we expect a public stoning? You should expect gratitude and respect and decency and you know what it’s not crazy to expect love either. If you are giving all of those things to your stepchildren you should get some reciprocation eventually. No one likes a Matyr well no one likes a doormat either.
Marie,
I feel as if you misunderstood the point I was trying to make. A lot of step-parents go into their circumstances “expecting” gratitude and love from their step-children automatically. As if because we are good, decent people who happen to love them (remember we are adults and can make adjustments better than children can) that they are supposed to just be able to turn the light switch on for us immediatly. Statistics show that for some it can take up to 7-10 years before a step-family really blends and becomes a completely cohesive unit. In my opinion the “martyr” and a “doormat” are somewhat the same person. I was simply stating that by trying to “be all and do all for everyone all the time” in order to “prove” our love is not healthy for us nor for our step-children. Most of the time, stepmoms tend to fall into this category in order to feel accepted. It’s not necessary. To answer your question, “if you are giving all of those things to your stepchildren (love, gratitude, respect, etc.) shouldn’t you receive some reciprocation eventually?” My answer is simple, in a perfect world of blended families, yes. Does it always happen that way? No. Again, your stepchildren do not have to like you, nor do they have to love you, but they do have to Respect you, absolutely. As far as gratitude is concerned, it takes time. I am not saying that your step-children will not do or feel all of the above for you, personally, but there are other step-parents that go through serious issues that involve what I describe. This post was mainly for those experiencing the issues I described in my post.
Thank you Marie for your thought provoking response. Your opinion matters to me! Have a great day.
Diane
Diane,
Might you have any advice for a step mom and father who have full custody and the BIO mom wants to play “friend” instead of parent, make inappropriate choices and bad mouth us to the children? It’s a very long story and while I’ve done partially what you said above and have STOPPED trying to please everyone. My biggest frustration is that while I love being the step mom — I just want her to be the mom. Again, there is much I’m not detailing here, but as a child with step parents growing up I don’t recall any of them EVER having as many issues as there are in my life.
Mechelle,
Let me begin by saying thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read my post. I also want to give you “kudos” for your statement that you love being the stepmom but you would prefer that bio mom be “mom” to her child. I am also glad to hear that you have stopped trying to please everyone. Take it from me, it never works. It will be a work in progress for you considering you and your husband have full custody, but it is a very unrealistic idea that you have to be the “be all and do all” for everyone in your unit. It is actually very unfair to you as well. In answer to your question, I would leave you with this…you will never be able to control what bio mom does in her household. Albeit, I don’t know your particular circumstances but I would guess that befriending her child, in her mind, is just an effort to cause conflict at your house. Badmouthing is her way of causing division through your stepchild. What does your husband say about the issue? I would say as long as your stepchild isn’t taking what his/her mother has to say and brings it to cause conflict in your home, then let her opinions be her opinions and move on. Don’t worry about what she thinks about you or your husband. Her truths aren’t your truths. At the end of the day Mechelle, there is a reason why you and your husband have full custody. Your parenting means you just contribute what comes naturally to you. At one time, I was just like you, doing for everyone but myself. My perspective didn’t change until I decided to change my question. Who am I really doing all of this for? Am I really looking out for my stepdaugher or am I doing this in response to my own insecurities? Once I found the answer to my question, my life changed. Keep on practicing what is realistic and don’t put everyone else’s needs before your own. Your emotional, physical and mental health is important. Feel free to email me anytime if you need to. You can find my email address under the “contact us” section above.
Again, thank you for such a great comment.
Diane