There are two primary choices in life:
1. To accept conditions as they exist; or
2. Accept the responsibility for changing them!
This holds true in our marriages, our co-parenting responsibilities and most importantly, our personal lives. Learning how to let go, moving on and rising to the occasion of what’s really important is key to being released and truly happy.
For years, I have to admit that I was such the people pleaser that I constantly worried about what people thought about me. I constantly felt I had to conquer all problems that one might ask me to help them with. I had to be the best wife, mom, stepmom and friend that walked the planet earth and I wanted everyone to know it. I wanted to be appreciated and liked by everyone. I wanted to be appreciated and liked by my children all the time. I wanted to be accepted and liked by my stepdaughter and her mother so that they would know that I was committed to my stepdaughter and to my family. I wanted to be the “fixer of all things” for my husband so I would go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex wife so that I could “fix” everything and be responsible for his issues that involved his daughter and ex-wife so that our family could work cohesively all the time — or so I thought. Through all of this however, I wasn’t being myself. No matter how much I tried to hide the big elephant in the room, I couldn’t – because the big elephant was ME!
What I was doing was not only unhealthy for me emotionally but also I was putting undue pressure on others in my life to fill the need that they always had to make me happy. As you can see, I have used the word “I” so many times above because “I” was making it all about “me.” Life isn’t always happy. Parenting and co-parenting isn’t always cohesive. Kids and parents aren’t always going to get along, wives and ex-wives aren’t always going to like one another all of the time, dads and step-dads might not always see eye-to-eye. I am not perfect and once I realized I didn’t have to be perfect in order for people to appreciate me, a huge weight and monkey was lifted off of my back. I don’t need approval from anyone but myself! I realized that I am who I am because God made me to be a beautiful, loving, caring, kind and yes, an imperfect individual person. Accepting the fact that I don’t have the responsibility to make everyone happy all of the time, opened the door for my relationships to get better. The realization that my children will be fine if I am not pleasing them all the time, that my husband can ”fix” his own issues, that my stepdaughter will know I love her and that I don’t need everyone’s approval was liberating. The fact that I didn’t have to go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex (not to mention the fact that it put her, at times, in an awkward position) just to prove to her that I love and am committed to my stepdaughter and our blended family was essential to my, my husband’s ex-wife and our blended family’s emotional health.
The mere fact that I am no longer worried about what people think about me, how they feel about me or what they say about me, whether they are my friends, my colleagues and even my family was absolutely life changing. With acceptance comes change and it is our own individual responsibility to make ourselves completely happy in our lives. No one person can make us well-rounded and happy if we are not happy first with ourselves.
That being said TMF Readers, my new mantra, love me or hate me….THIS IS WHO I AM!
Peace & Blessings,
Diane
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
Hey Di,
I loved, loved, loved this one! As you know, I was that people pleaser as well in my stepfamily. I wanted hubby’s ex-wife to know I was committed to my stepson and I of course, wanted my husband to know the same. I went overboard trying to make sure everyone liked and approved of me. However, I did so at the expense of my emotional health, and when I kept failing, that need for approval turned into frustration, resentment and then full fledged anger because I felt unappreciated and not very liked at all. Like you, it took me a long while to realize that I don’t need to kill myself for anyone’s approval. I was approved when I said “I Do.” Now, all I needed to do was to be myself and contribute to my stepfamily in such a way that was natural instead of forced. I stopped being who everyone else expected me to be and realized that my authentic self IS good enough!
And so…I am a loving mother and stepmother, I am one who adores her husband, I am fiercely protective of my family, I am strong, I am ambitious, I am caring, I am kind, I am a nurturer, I say it like I mean it, I can be a bit fiesty at times, I am loyal to a fault…love me or hate me, THIS IS WHO I AM!
Thanks for an insightful post and hopefully it will inspire other modern moms and dads to have the courage to stand up for who they are as well!
Muaah,
~Kela
Thank you, great post. By the way, I just read a great ebook that helped me a lot with learning to say ‘No’ to people and stop being such a people pleaser. It’s very funny and compassionate. “Rediscovering the power of No”, by Irina Avtsin. There is an excerpt on the web http://www.letsdoarealitycheck.com/12.html, I’d love to hear your thoughts if you read it.
Thanks again!
Thank you, Kela. This post is one that I too hope modern mom and dads, wives, ex-wives and step-dads will read and appreciate. Once I really looked and decided to ask myself the hard questions, it all came full circle. It’s about responsibility too. We, as individuals, owe it to ourselves to be whole and true. Thank you for your support.
Loretta, thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read my post. I will be getting my own coyp of the book you mentioned above and am looking forward to reading it. Thank you for the tip and feel free to stop by anytime. We love to have your comments.
Diane
Diane,
Great post! I, too, had struggled with these same issues in my life in the past. You get to a point in life that you realize and put into perspective what is most important to you. Life is way too short to be worrying about who likes me and who doesn’t or who I have to impress to get business blah blah blah. It took me a long time but I’ve finally evolved to a place of contentment and that doesn’t involve the approval of outside sources. If I’m good at what I do or if I know I’m a good person with good intentions then that carries over from personal to business and back.
As women, we need to take this to heart more but it is so hard to do. We are brought up to think that we need outside approval to be happy. My own mother (who is the best mother on the planet by the way) is 60 years old and STILL longs for the approval of her father because he’s never fully given it. The cycle never ends and there will always be an empty place inside you waiting to be filled until you fill it yourself. Of course, we all need to give love and be loved but approval is not love and that’s where we get confused. I can love my husband, my daughters, my friends unconditionally – doesn’t mean I always have to approve of what they do or how they do it (and vice versa)but I’ll always love them.
So, to stand up and say “This is Who I Am” is this: I am a strong woman, I am passionate about so many things, I’m selfish at times, I can be obsessive compulsive with my career, I am a great mother, I’m a loving wife, a child at heart, someone who hates to be or feel trapped, lover of all living creatures, and determined. So, like you say, love me or hate me THIS IS WHO I AM and I’m really loving it. Oh, and my husband affectionately says my mouth runs like a faucet so I’ll take that as a compliment – LOL!
Wow! I think we started something here and I like it. Isn’t it empowering to know that you can stand and say, “love me or hate me, THIS IS WHO I AM” and mean it? More importantly, what I’ve learned is that you cannot, no matter how hard you try, have true relationships unless and until you show your true self in that relationship. And you cannot present your true self until you are first, honest about who you really are and then accept yourself as you are.
THIS IS WHO I AM – pass on the empowerment ladies!
Muaah,
~Kela
WHOOSAH Ladies!!! Amen, Amen and Amen again! The most important part of LOVE, whether that be with our mates, our friends, our children, etc. is letting go of the fear that we need to be “approved” by others. I choose not to be a victim of how the world or the people in it “see” me. I was determined to ask myself the hard questions and when I did I allowed myself to see myself for WHO I REALLY WAS and it was liberating! Again, loud and proud ladies, THIS IS WHO I AM!!!
Thank you for the above comments, they are not just thought provoking, but inspiring. Another mantra is this…”ALL THAT I GIVE…I GIVE TO MYSELF…BECAUSE MYSELF MATTERS!”
Diane
Hi Di….
This is a fabulous point to bring attention to.
If we can’t simply ‘do’ without the support of recognition then we don’t know who we are. Fear is telling us we need to be someone and we lack the confidence to know who that is. So we need to “sell” them on who we are. And more importantly, we need to know we closed the sale. We need to know they bought it. We are not being givers, we are being takers. Eeek!
I look at my role as Dad and step Dad. Years ago, I so needed to be recognized as this Super-Dad, including by my kids. It wasn’t enough to BE who I was, I had to impress, I had to have the recognition.
I eventually learned that the defining line between being healthy and unhealthy in this area was how I felt about the responses of others. What I didn’t know was that I was tying an expectation to my conduct. I will be super-dad, but it better get a result. I better be thanked and recognized. The grapevine better report back to me that people think I am the greatest. I need to be validated in order to make this worthwhile.
This is no longer the case. Well rarely anyway. Today, the only satisfaction in doing the right thing is knowing in my heart that I did what was right before God and man(kind). God and mankind no longer had to recognize it. Although I do feel that God does, but that is God’s business. As far as mankind goes, it is no longer required. I appreciated when it happens, sure. It is some icing on the cake. But the cake is knowing that I put something positive out into the universe. I planted some good seed that invariably will sprout something nourishing for someone, somewhere. I don’t have to be recognized as the farmer.
The funny thing, as I have experienced it, is that when we detach ourselves from expectations and recognition, and just focus on ‘being’ a good person and ‘doing’ good things, it is amazing what blessings do flow back our way. The recognition that comes back to us in more honest and authentic.
One amazing example that comes to mind is the day one of my kids came to me with a problem that they felt they couldn’t bring to anyone else. This was after a period of time where things hadn’t gone so well in my parenting due to my reactions to some hostilities with my ex. I had learned that I could not impress my way back into my kids lives, so I was left with just BEING who I was. I spent a lot of time and effort on learning who I was and just being who I was. The result was not a headline or pronouncement of what an Uber-Dad Chaz was. It was a quiet, tearful, conversation with one of my kids that started, “Dad, I have this problem and you are the only one I feel I can talk to about it. You are the only one I think would understand”.
It was years ago now, and nobody else has ever known about this. This was not a result of me selling my kids on who I was. It was a result of me just being authentic and honest, and letting them draw their own conclusions.
This brings to mind a quote by a local billionaire in or area. Who is in fact an incredible salesman. He started out with nothing selling cars and now own dozens of dealerships, radio and tv stations, airlines, grocery store chains and a litany of other businesses. He is known to quote the age-old adage, “There is no limit to how far you can go as long as you don’t care who gets the credit”.
Funny thing to hear from a super-salesman isn’t it? Having met this man and grown up in a city in which he is a household name, I can see it to be true. People simply know his capabilities. They speak for themselves. His proof is in the doing, not in the accolades and drama. His simple, quiet actions speak far louder than anything else. And he keeps doing them in spite of what anyone does or doesn’t say. He knows who he is, and just keeps doing the doing as he has for over 40 years.
So whether it is a simple parental conversation or success of a global business, I have learned the same remains true. We just need to be who we are, independent of expectations of accolades and affirmations.
Ciao
Chaz
Chaz,
THANK YOU! You teach me something new every single time you post a comment to one of my articles. Something you said is most profound…”When we detach ourselves from expectations and recognition, and just focus on ‘being’ a good person and ‘doing’ good things, it is amazing what blessings do flow back our way. The recognition that comes back to us in more honest and authentic.” That is extremely powerful to me and so true. Another….”There is no limit to how far you can go as long as you don’t care who gets the credit!” That is more than true, it should be a mantra that all of us live by.
Today’s Modern Family is so proud to have readers like you that can express themselves so freely and “teach” at the same time. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your insight. It is more than appreciated!
Again, thank you.
Di
This website has been such a blessing to me. Recently, I have really been struggling with deep anger toward my husband’s x and my step-son. I felt betrayed and used by him, and a pawn for kicking by her. I used to take and feel her lies about me very personally. I felt so angry at the injustice I felt at how she could be so destructive, abusive and nasty. I began to feel like the bad guy. In the past I also tried to be super step mom. Feeling like I had to fix the abuse she put my husband and step-son through. I am learning gratefully, that it is not mine to fix. It was an experiance they went through at a time that did not include me. Her tirades and manipulations affect me now, but my husband does take action when it is very necessary. I cannot change his responses either if I do not feel they are correct. It is hard to life this unfamiliar family unit that is something I never experianced myself as a kid growing up. I really appreciate Chaz’s post also because it was very comforting to find out when you begin to be yourself, like me or not here I am, that you do get a fantastic outcome. An honest loving relationship with your family members. Which is all any of us really desire. At times I wonder what it would be like if the x approved of me, but the lessons I am really trying to learn in order to help my own self-esteem, is to not worry about that. Just to fill the hole in my own heart that needs fulfillment and acceptance from my self.
Thank you everyone for being here and passing along your pearls of wisdom.
Ami
Ami,
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate your post and I understand what you are feeling. Chaz has a great way of uplifting doesn’t he? “Comforting” is a great word to describe the feeling of deciding to be just exactly who God planned for you to be and to stop being the doormat and allowing people to control how you feel about yourself. Once I decided to stop letting my experiences define me, I became a better wife, friend, mother, stepmom and, most importantly, my true self. Ask yourself this question (like I did — in my post I refer to it) am I really doing all that I do for my stepdaughter? Or, do I just want approval? Once I was able to honestly answer those questions, I became a different person.
Feel free to email me anytime Ami. I am glad you stopped by.
Diane
diane@blendedfamilysoapopera.com
Thank you Diane,
I truly appreciate your offer to me. Thank you for your generousity and encouragement. I like your question technique too and will use that for myself. I think it will help me out on many levels. Not only with my stepson, and husband, but my job. I am finding myself at a time in my life where I am wanting to really be who I am and not just a doormat. I am wanting a change in my work life too.
Have a wonderful day Diane!
Sincerely,
Ami
Ami:
There is an article on here that I wrote back in July that I want you to read. Here is the link: http://www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/4060. If you can’t access from here directly, copy and paste that link into your browser. I think you will enjoy the article and it will be beneficial to you.
Have a great day and I hope to see you here often.
Diane