It’s been quite a while since we’ve seen K. We hear from him everyday, but it’s been a long time (over a year) since we’ve seen him. Although we miss him terribly, it gets easier and easier as the time passes. It’s sad that we’re getting used to not having him around. Honestly, you can only cry, fight and throw childlike tantrums for so long. At some point you just have to move on with your life and that’s what we’ve decided to do. Even my husband is getting used to not seeing him. It’s getting to the point that I’m uncertain as to how our family will adjust when and if he does come back to our home. It’ll sort of be like we’re adopting an older child who is coming to live with us for the first time. So much has changed since we’ve seen him and I’m sure he has changed as well. It will be like learning each other all over again. I wish his mother knew how her actions may have totally changed the bond that we’ve formed as a family, and how that will affect not only us collectively, but her child, individually.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
Hey Admin…
I know the feelings of missing children and having them unjustly separated from you due to the actions of others.
My ex will only make efforts that are within her scope of what she feels is fair and right with respect to how our children are raised and how they spend time with me as their father. She does not show any willingness to take neutral guidance. She is accountable to nobody. This behaviour has kept me apart from my kids more than I feel is right or fair. And more than any of our family feel is good for the kids.
With that said, and like you, I have had to come to an acceptance of these unjust facts. They are nothing either of us can change. Certainly not easily or inexpensively.
We cannot push water uphill. I know this because I went nuts trying to do so … figuratively speaking of course. One cannot reason with a self-service sociopath…. which I strongly believe my ex-wife is. And perhaps your step son’s Mom is…. I will leave that up to you.
It hurts. That is about as much as any of us can say. I have resigned myself to simply stating that missing my kids hurts. I try not to let my thoughts go beyond that otherwise I end up resentful and depressed. And this helps nobody.
I believe that God put certain forces in the universe that rebalance the life from time to time. Some call it Karma, I call it the law of Sowing and Reaping. Every religion and culture has some version of it.
This week, the law delivered some justice back to me that I could never have engineered myself. Someone close to my ex knows someone else going through a divorce. Out of the blue they called me…. a little uncomfortably…. and asked if I would be willing to refer their friend to my lawyer.
This little experience felt to me like God saying that others recognize that I was treated with injustice in a bloody court battle a few years ago by my ex and her vengeful lawyer. I won, she lost. So now years later when someone close to my ex needed a lawyer, they did not go to her, they came to me for mine. Why? Because they recognized that I was in the right and showed up at court equipped with a fair and competent lawyer.
All the campaigning in the world I could possibly do to state to my ex’s side that the court battle was unfair and injust would not have spoken as loudly as one of them approaching me for my lawyer’s name and number.
There are other instances too of this law of Sowing and Reaping that show up unexpectedly.
My point? Just keep being the best you that you can be. It hurts to miss “K”, I understand. I miss my kids too as do many of us. In the mean time, the I believe that God as I understand him is lining up some rebalancing for you and yours.
I do not believe God behaves spitefully. I believe he simply rebalances in the direction of justice.
I think you will be surprised what shows up. Things have for me many times…. and all unexpectedly.
Ciao.
Chaz
Correction….. “self-serving sociopath” is what I meant to say.
I completely agree, Chaz! I know the feeling of controlling your thoughts out of fear of it leading down that resentful road. I’m a big advocate of self-talk therapy in my home. Like it or not, there are some things that you just can’t control and learning to accept them is key if you want to maintain a sane existence. I tell all of my blended couples that the main goal is to NOT allow the mayhem to destroy you or your family. As such, you have two option: 1) You and your ex-spouse and current spouse can work together to acheive that blended harmony that we all hope for. 2) You can choose to accept things for what they are and move on with your life; knowing that you’ve exhausted all of your options when it comes to making it work. At some point, when dealing with contentious blended family situations, we have to let go and let God. It’s the only way that we all can achieve some type of peace. Otherwise, we could all be fighting and living in an emotionallly oppressive environment for many years. And, that is not good for ANYONE; you, your current spouse, your stepchildren or your biological children.
I, too have concluded that my husband’s ex-wife is a self-serving sociopath who only makes decisions based on how much it will hurt my husband. I say this because ALL of her decisions end in an extremely limited amount or no contact at all between my stepson and his family. It is sad, but true and after nearly 8 years of fighting we are just tired. And so…we have moved on; hoping that one day K figures out the truth [he is starting to do so at 12 years old] about his mother and how she has alienated him from his father’s side of the family.
You call it sowing and reaping, others call it Karma and I call it the universe correcting itself. I am a firm believer in this. We have had our share of small victories along the way as well where I see the universe slowing working to right a wrong. It feels good when the professionals, whose opinions she relies on so heavily, let her know that she’s making a big mistake by trying to play God with her son. And, it’s not just because we want to be right. It just makes us feel less crazy.
Thanks for your insight, Chaz!
*Kela*
Kela…. wow… a virtual ditto on our circumstances. My wife could write your story about dealing with my ex regarding my son.
We totally relate to what you mention about trying to work together with the two families. Unfortunately, that did not work out in our situation. My wonderful, gracious wife decided with guidance that perhaps she should reach out to my ex in an effort to co-parent better for all of us.
Eveyrone warned her how difficult that might be. It lasted about 6 meetings and then a problem arose. My ex went into her avoidance mode over the situation. My wife suggested we employ the expertise of a counselor or mediator of some kind. My ex would have no part of that. Either my ex controls things or avoids in protest. Two speeds… control or avoid. Nothing else. Without accountability, she has no compu8lsion to change.
Anwyway… enough wiht the ex-ranting.
Given the situation that I find so impossible, I have gone with option 2 and learned to exercise my acceptance muscles in new and extreme ways. I tell you, the results are amazing in so many areas of my life. I can turn things over to God and just plain old life. Giving up attempts to control so many things is so freeing. And I have stopped as much as possible the foolish notion that “they can’t treat me this way or that way”. Newsflash…. Yes they can! And they do! But so what. It is their discrace, not mine.
Unless it is a matter of illegal or danger issues, I just accept and let it happen. I do my best to mitigage harm to me and mine, but if people say bad things about me, or whatever, I largely just accept it.
In the long run, it will be clear what has all happened. Truth does ocme out.
So anyway…. yes, acceptance is the road I am currently on. It is so much more manageable. Especially when dealing with self-serving sociopaths.
Ciao.
Chaz
Even though I am part of the BFSO blog, everyday that I read a new post, it teaches me something new. Even though the issue I am about to describe doesn’t directly relate to an ex withholding visitation and me hurting from that, reading these posts have made me realize that I need to get on the path of acceptance with some things in my life. My husband has Multiple Sclerosis. There are times, in the past, that I try to pretend that our lives are the way they were before he was diagnosed, I push it aside. Sometimes, it affects our marriage and our blended family. It’s weird, but reading Kela’s and Chaz’ posts here, I need to get on that path of acceptance as well. It’s hard to accept things that you know are going to hurt you. Things that you definitely know will be on the horizon for your life, but I need to.
Thanks for your post Kela, and thanks to Chaz for his enlightening message.
Your posts have made me so appreciate my blended family and my husband’s ex wife for never allowing any issues to get into the way of her daughter’s relationship with her father and vice versa. The Rutland/Greene family is very lucky to be a blended family that works.
Di