The last 16 months have been a whirlwind for me and my family. The addition of our little miracle baby has been welcomed but so chaotic and full of changes. Before Bam Bam (that’s what we call him), my husband and I were raising a 13 year old who was self-sufficient. He could make his own food, iron and pick out his own clothes, and carried his IPod Touch around like it was a cochlear implant. Motherhood and parenthood for that matter was very different.
I have always been an advocate of mothers and stepmothers taking time to indulge in a bit of self-care. It is so important to not completely devote yourself to being a mother or a stepmother in order to be a good mother or stepmother. I’ve received angry emails from readers stating that I was wrong for telling stepmothers to assign ownership of certain responsibilities to their rightful owners and use that down time for themselves. I told them that it is completely okay, natural and healthy to tell their spouse that they will not be responsible for their stepchildren every single time they come to visit. Instead, I told them to use that time to take a nap, have a girl’s night, get a hobby or do all of the above. This advice is especially true for the stepmothers who have kids of their own and can never seem to get a moment of down time.
Well, for the past 16 months this has never been more true and apparent to me. A woman cannot soley focus on her children and/or stepchildren and husband without: 1) losing a huge piece of herself and/or 2) going insane. She needs time to de-stress, regroup and recharge in order to be a good mom/stepmom and wife. There’s just no way around it and women should not feel guilty for demanding to recharge her batteries. During the first year of my son’s life as I operated on maybe two hours worth of sleep, little food and no energy, my husband, friends, family, pastor and other new or renewed moms would tell me to take time for myself. They almost begged me to step away from my sweet little angel so that I could recharge. Because he was a preemie and is still experiencing health issues as a result, I didn’t want to leave him with ANYONE. But, this meant that I was with him all of the time and it just wasn’t healthy for either of us. Thank God for my wonderful husband who took time off of work to not only take care of us but to remind me what I have been advocating for the past several years – “me” time! When I wouldn’t budge, he started arranging girl’s night outs for me. He called a few of my friends, made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, made reservations at a spa for all of us and paid for everything. Once he did that a few times, it became a habit and now I look forward to spending time away from my angel. I have even revisited my love of photography and look forward to the moments I get to use that creative outlet. I need it in order to be the best mommy I can be to my children and you moms/stepmoms need it too. So take a little time to indulge in regular self-care and do so without guilt. Your entire family will be better as a result.
The first step to attaining any sense of self-confidence, strength, or sanity is by taking responsibility for each and everything in your life and this boils down to choice. When we choose good for ourselves, we create good for ourselves. Everything in life is a choice!
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This is so true! So many moms feel guilty when they decide to take a night to go out with the girls, go get a pedicure, or take a long bath. I hate to say, though, how many dads do you know that play golf every weekend? I can think of at least 3 or 4 off the top of my head. Everyone needs time alone, but moms especially need to stop feeling so guilty about it! You deserve it!!
Kela,
This is a fabulous post. It is so important for all moms/stepmoms to remember that having “me time” doesn’t have to be used or thought of as just getting away from your kids but to remind you of the importance of “yourself!” In my own experience as a busy mom and stepmom, I found that my days started to “blur” together when I didn’t stop and take a breather. I was making the important people in my life (i.e., my children, stepchild, husband, parents, job, etc.) ALL OF MY LIFE and I felt selfish thinking otherwise. I finally realized that my children, my husband, etc. are not ALL of my life, but a part of my life and it’s okay to focus on myself sometimes. In fact, by not taking care of ourselves as women we cannot effectively take care of our family members, jobs, etc. That blur I was talking about above is called “burn-out” and even worse you can cause yourself to have a nervous breakdown. Realize the importance of “yourself” is one of my mantra’s for 2012!
Again, thank you for this great reminder. Women need to hear this to keep our sanity!
Diane
Thank you both Traci and Diane for reaffirming what I already know to be true. “Me” time for moms is essential, crucial and very necessary to the well-being of the entire family. Diane, you’re right, your kids, husband, step-kids…should be part of your life, not your whole life and anyone attempting to establish expectations other than that is being unfair to you!
Traci, I too can think of several husbands who workout, golf, watch football games with the fellas and/or all of the above on a regular basis. Moms and stepmoms need that on a regular basis as well and shouldn’t feel guilty for setting that expectation.
~Kela
Ooooooh Kela, My sister (mother of 6) used to LITERALLY preach this to me religiously. I didn’t give in until last year and HONEY!!!! I forgot about the Delina before the husband and kids. WOW!!! It’s amazing how we loose our former self in the hustle of everyday life. All mom’s should take the time out for themselves. It’s not even about spending a lot of money. ME TIME can save your MIND!!!! LOL I don’t know why we always put ourselves last. When I find myself getting burned out I say hmmm, I need a “Mommycation.”