Sexless Marriage – [seks les mar-ij]
noun
1. A married couple who has sex 10 times per year or less.
There are many reasons that sex seems to “get laid” (no pun intended) down by the riverside in remarriages and marriages for that matter. The stress of raising kids, combining households, running your household, the economy, dealing with ex-spouses, co-parenting issues and trying to learn each other all seem to get in the way of SEX! Not to mention that at a certain age and after a number of years of marriage, one just loses his or her motivation AND runs out of new ways to keep it spicy in the bedroom. Not only that, but finding the time to have sex seems darn near impossible.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in the beginning, we had sex MULTIPLE times a day! We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Since we came into this marriage with 2 kids who were both 4, we found creative ways to make time for sex. We would both come home on our lunch breaks, have late night quiet sex or have all day sex on the rare occasions when both kids were out of the house. Now…after long days, promotions hence more responsiblity at work, school activities and preparing to do it all again the next day; we’re both lucky to stay up past 9:30. I think being newly in love helps to keep that adrenaline pumping and stamina up or something. That or maybe we were just younger then and therefore didn’t require much sleep. We still can’t keep our hands off of each other, but we THOUGHT that finding the time to take it a step further would be impossible. That was until we changed our mindset and decided to put the focus back on us. We refused to fall victims to this sexless marriage epidemic that plagues over 50% of all married or remarried couples. We discovered that it was less about making an appointment for sex, but more about making US a priority and sex would naturally evolve.
Although sex is a small portion of the union, it still plays an important role in marriage. As such, it is crucial that remarried couples carve out some time just for YOU and only YOU; not the kids, not the drama with the ex-spouses, not the economy or the finances, but just YOU.
Here are some ideas that have helped keep my husband and I in love after 8 years of blended family marriage.
- We limit the drama discussions. If there is an issue with an ex-spouse that can’t be resolved for whatever reason, we don’t dwell on it. We move on and don’t discuss it over and over and over again.
- We have date nights once per month – NO KIDS. Don’t feel guilty about dropping the baby off at grandma or grandpa’s, aunt or uncle’s or a trusting friend. Your marriage and your kids will thank you for it later.
- We talk about sex A LOT!
- We touch each other often. Whether it is a kiss while I’m making dinner, a pat on the butt when he comes in from walking the dog, or holding hands while riding in the car; we make it a point to maintain frequent affectionate contact.
- We recently discovered sexting; texting little romantic/sexual messages.
All of these things help keep sex and US on the brain and help to keep it HOT in the bedroom. What about you? Give our readers some tips on how you keep it hot and spicy in the bedroom. You can email them to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com or comment on this article.
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I love this….
I actually started a blog on Hot Marriage but frankly kinda let it die of neglect in favour of my main blog. But I felt it was important so am glad to see the topic posted.
My wife and I are bound and determined to build a hot (second) marriage. We do not want to settle for boring or mundane. This is not what we signed up for.
Funny thing is that your point 5 on the list… sending sexy texts is something I started doing recently. Now keep in mind I am in my 40′s but it is still fun and thrilling.
On the subj of age… you know… I swear society is gettin younger. Is there not a saying that 50 is the new 30? Well frankly… at 40-something, I do not feel like what 40-somethings looked like years ago.
My wife is still in 30′s and if I may say so…. takes great care of herself. All this to say that there are more opportunities today to be youthful as the years go by.
In fact, my wife recently had a cheeky (female) friend of ours pay her a compliment by referring to her as a “MILF”. Now my wife didnt know what she was talking about and was both shocked and pleased when she found out.
We certainly did not have the clearly defined term like this or the one I like to tell my wife she is… a “Yummy Mommy”. These terms, although one of them a little crude, were not in circulation a decade or two ago describing the desirability of women in their late 30′s and up.
So all this to say that I agree with your list and this post. And am happy to report that my wife and I practice most of the things on your list and are achieving the desired result.
In fact, I would say we are having the best sex of our lives.
I know an older couple in their 80′s who are just nuts about each other. They used to assist with marriage retreats held my a church I used to attend. They would have been in their 70s then.
The husband would share with men when we had the men-only break out discussions that he and his wife were enjoying fabulous sex regularly even at their age.
So I believe it is possible. But we must do what it takes to make it that way. I personally have experienced they key to being a deep connection and trust. And to understand that the little things count in the relationship.
Basic kindness and courtesies can never be overlooked. And meeting your spouse’s sexual needs is the best way to have ours met.
So ya…. great post. Very timely.
Ciao.
Chaz
Great sex in their 70′s??? Wow!! That’s a beautiful thing!
And you’re right, those basic courtesies mean so much when trying to keep it hot and spicy in the bedroom. As a matter of fact, women especially need this because experts say that a deep connection and trust is more important to us and helps to create a healthy sex life. I’m not saying that it’s not important to men, but experts say that it’s more important to women. For example, most men get turned on if their wives are naked in the kitchen table when they arrive home from work. For women, we get turned on if our husbands take the trash out without being told or cleans the entire house so we don’t have to. This is what the experts say, but I would imagine that there are exceptions to this rule.
Thanks for your insight, Chaz. It’s always appreciated.
*Kela*
Don’t forget, you can now subscribe to our RSS feed!
Kela…. whats RSS feed and how do I do it?
And btw… one other tip that my wife and I use to keep marriage on a sound course is to have a counselor who we can go to if we are not seeing eye to eye. We are less prone to letting the inevitable disagreements grow to a level that it affects us in our intimacy as much.
We read a book by a Dr. Gottman when we first got married (7 Princples that make marriag work is the title). Amazingly practical.
Ciao
Chaz
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I am definitely an advocate of counseling! It always helps to speak with a counselor, relationship coach, blended family counselor, etc. whenever you are having difficulty getting on the same page. It’s so sad how so many people wait until their marriages are literally falling apart before they go to see a counselor. I’m glad that you and your wife don’t do that.
I’m going to see if I can get that book. I’ve actually never heard of it before. Thanks for the tip!
*Kela*
Dr. Gottman is unique in that he set up a weekend suite lab where he observed a ton of couples who volounteered. And a bunch of other unique research. He is out of Seattle. I am hearing more and more that he is widely read and respected.
For me and my wife, he has has been practical so that is all I am after.
Ciao
Chaz