“It has been said that one can measure a persons greatness by seeing how much it takes to discourage them………”
My husband (left) and sons (center/right)
It is known that some step-fathers in blended families make no bones about establishing their positions in their respective units. Some get along with their step children, others prefer to simply state their territory and do not say or do much to establish a mutual bond or common ground with their step-children at all. Other step-dads come into the picture with their different hats on and ready to be involved in every aspect of their step-children’s lives, while others simply step back and take a neutral position and allow the bio-parent to parent alone.
When I married my husband, I had been widowed 6 years. Being a single mother, one of my personal inner struggles was talking to my boys about things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about as a woman. No matter what my heart felt with regard to my being able to parent as a mother and a father, I had to accept and realize that as a woman, I could not fill those shoes. We can do our best job, but we cannot replace or begin to understand the things young teenage boys go through, and as a woman, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how good of a mother I was, I could NOT always relate.
When I married my husband, my older boys were 15 and 16. Everyone knows how teenagers can get on your last darn nerves. They think they “know” everything about life and they actually know nothing at all. This is an understatement in and of itself. But, as much as my husband didn’t like their attitudes at times (more often than not), he still sat them down when they wanted to talk, he explained things to them about his life experiences, gave advice to them about peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, etc., all the things that their bio father would have done had he not passed away. He even did not hesitate to put one of them in his place when he got a little too cocky at one point with me. No matter the situation, the boys know that my husband loves them and they love him back! Most importantly, they trust him and they know he will protect them.
The older boys are grown men now (21 and 20) but they know they have a security blanket with their step-dad. What I found to be really special is now, my 21 year old has his own son who is 10 months old. He and my husband have had private talks about the mistakes my husband made as a young father and what it means to make sure you are ALWAYS there for your children.
On the flip side, I have a girlfriend who’s current husband cares nothing about her children and the children care nothing about him as a step-father. They argue, fuss and fight constantly. They have no mutual respect for one another or for themselves. The step-father and children make no bones about not caring for one another. As a step-mother myself, this is nothing short of a travesty.
Being a great step-dad is a trying job, I’m sure. Wearing that hat requires strength, courage, humility, trust and confidence, especially during times when you feel like you may have stepped into a black hole of problems. By being that man of character, you are teaching, building and strengthening your step-children’s future in many more ways than you know.
Some step-fathers come into the lives of children with no fathers (due to death — as in my case), dead-beat fathers and some part-time fathers. Some even come into the lives of children with great biological fathers who can appreciate the important role a step-father has in their child’s life and in the blended family unit. All of these scenarios takes courage. I give all props to ALL the BFSO step-dads who cherish and uplift not only their biological children, their step-children and their spouses lives, but to ALL those who set an awesome example for seasoned fathers, young fathers and all the future step-fathers of the world who may just happen to be reading this blog. So, for those of you who have decided to build character instead of making bones……MY HATS OFF TO YOU!
P.S. Thank you Randy, Desmond and Jay; three amazing step-dads I know and love! Keep building character!
Di
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
Oh Di ~ this is great. My hubby is much like your hubby. He is so involved in K-Boy’s life and activities. He often plays games with him, takes him to the park and they love to talk sports. My hubby was a pitcher in college so he offten works with K-Boy on his pitching and giving him lots of tips. It is a great relationship.
This weekend hubby is taking K-Boy to compete in his first golf tournament. It is something that is very special to hubby. It will be hubby, K-boy, our brother-in-law and our nephew…a father/son team. Sadly, last night we found out killjoy is now going to compete in the golf tournament after hearing that hubby and K-boy were doing it together. Hubby is very upset about this, he was really looking forward to having this activity for the 2 of them. Oh that killjoy, living up to his name again
With hubby’s reaction to this made me happy, it shows that he really does love and care for K-Boy (not that I ever doubted it) and it brings their relationship to a whole new level. Hubby is a great dad!!!!!!!!
It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that the boys get along and play nice
Serendipitous, thank you!!! I think it is great that your husband is standing his ground and still doing the golf tournament with K-boy! You know, and it is really special that he does baseball with him too. It is so important for boys to have a man to look up to and even though your son has Killjoy, he has double the dad with both his father and his step-daddy! And, remember, the old saying…..”anyone can father a child….it takes someone special to be a “daddy!”
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and comment. You know, I always appreciate your input and words!
Di
Hey Serendpitious!
I used to have this same problem. My wonderful husband has coached M in every sport that he’s every played in. At first, my ex was opposed to this. He didn’t want to be fully engaged in anything that M did, but he also didn’t want hubby to do so either. He kept puffing his chest out, telling the world that he was daddy, but didn’t step up to fill the role. Now, he has expressed to me that he honestly appreciates hubby being there for our son because he can’t be; however, he hopes to make him as happy as we do one day (this is what he says, but I’ve yet to see action follow his words – at least he’s saying it now). Hopefully, one day your ex will see the important role that your husband plays in K-Boy’s life and allow them to have their one-on-one father/son times as well. It doesn’t mean that you are trying to replace him. It just means that your husband desires a special place in K-Boy’s life, too! I always say that too much love is a great problem to have.
Di, thanks for the shout out to my husband. He is a pretty wonderful guy, huh?
*Kela*
He sure is! The boys, Sash and I are pretty lucky too. I hope that your ex will succeed in his goal for M one day too and you’re right….too much love is a great problem to have!!
Di