Battling Over Visitation
May 21, 2008 by Kela Price
Filed under Stepfamilies
It seems as if my husband and I are always confronting some type of legal issue because his ex-wife frequently throws temper tantrums. They are so frequent that if we don’t hear from her or her attorney for a couple of months, our extended family starts questioning whether or not she’s feeling okay. I swear she makes it her life’s goal to ruin our lives. She does this every time she doesn’t get her way.
Before I start giving you examples of her childish behavior, I should mention that we live in separate states (about 3 hours away from each other). In the beginning my husband and I would sign both of our children up for extra curricular activities (basketball, baseball, tae kwon do, etc). Well when she found out she started complaining that she was not invited. She said that she is his mother, and should be invited to all of her child’s activities. Keep in mind that her child (we’ll call him K from now on) does the same sort of activities where they live, and she and her husband attend those activities. So, she is not missing out on K’s extra curricular activities. Furthermore, we can’t be in the same room with each other without arguing, mean mugging or just good old fashioned tension, and lots of it. So why would she want to come to the activities that we plan for him? Why – because she wants to be difficult, and that’s the only reason why. Trust me when I say she is not that in love with her child. She wasn’t concerned about these things before I came along. We attended several activities, without her, prior to her finding out that I was here to stay. However, she threw a temper tantrum, and took us to court demanding that she receive a schedule of all of his activities that we sign him up for. I should also mention that she’s an attorney so it’s easy for her to draw up a legal document, call one of her friends and have the Judge rule in her favor. The justice system is not as just as you think it is, but that’s another story. As a result, we just stopped signing K up for extra curricular activities. She thought she was hurting us, but in the end, as you can see, she only hurt her child. Now he watches my son (we’ll call him M) while he participates.
We are still battling it out in court (about 5 years now) over visitation. She gets one month in the summer and we get 2. We initially we got him in June and July and she got him in August. However, when she realized we were happy with that arrangement, she had to make sure she put a stop to that. I think she sends out a “happy radar” every now and then. If she sees that we are all content in our neck of the woods, she has to stop it. At any rate, she petitioned the court to request that she get July and we get June and August. Her reasoning behind this ridiculous request was that K had to attend summer camp (not summer school). We were confused as to why he couldn’t attend summer camp with us like he had been doing. But, she claims that he needed time with his friends. I could have sworn that he spends time with his friends all year, and time with friends shouldn’t be priority over visitation with your father, but once again, the Judge ruled in her favor. So we don’t see him in July or August, and we only get him in June. Once again, she thinks that she’s hurting us, but she is hurting her child more.
Before you start assuming that we are being difficult, let me explain. Our state starts school at the beginning of August (7th), and K’s school doesn’t start until the beginning of September (after Labor Day). So, for an entire month there is no where for him to go. M is in school, we’re at work; our mom’s are both teachers so they’re in school; my dad is dead; my husband’s dad lives about 18 hours away; and there are no summer camps. As a result, don’t you think it makes more sense for us to have him in June and July and she get him in August? Because the rest of the kids, where they live, are out of school one would logically assume that there is somewhere for him to go there.
Having said that, we still tried to compromise. She suggested that her grandparents and parents keep him during the day, and we get him at night and on the weekends. I countered that by suggesting that we just get him on the weekends. Our children are now both 11 years old, and the beginning of the school year is difficult for any child. You have to get back into your groove after being away all summer. So, having K return after being gone for a whole month would pose a distraction for M. Keep in mind that they are both the same age, and are only children within their respective households. So, when they get together they want to play because they haven’t seen each other for a whole month. I didn’t want my child’s sleep patterns to suffer due to the excitement. Furthermore, the fact that we are having to compromise is ridiculous. There’s no need to go through all of this when there’s a better solution – we get him in June and July and she gets him in August.
And so, the battle continues, and honestly, I think K will be out of school by the time this matter is solved. I hope that those difficult baby mama’s out there will read and learn from this. Your tactics do more harm to your child than they do to your ex. K misses out on extra curricular activities, and has minimal time with his father because his mother can’t deal with her own issues.
I realize that this situation is tough as I experienced certain feelings when I realized that my ex and I were definitely over. Even though I was with a man that I was completely in love with, you must realize that I shared a strong history with my ex, including our child. I also had to face the fact that I could no longer give my child what every child wants at some point in their lives, and that is for their parents to be together again. When he said he was getting married, that was confirmation for me, and it kind of hurt. However, as stated in my Wives Wars article, “you must deal with your own issues in a way that doesn’t affect those around you, especially your children.” I knew that I couldn’t let my feelings affect me doing what’s best for my child, and that was to help him get used to another type of family – the blended family. I wanted him to realize that everyone of his parents (mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad) share a special place in his life, and although things would not be as they were before, they could still be really good, maybe even better. This means that the adults have to realize their places in the child’s life. You won’t be that full-time father if you’re not in the house full- time. You have to share those responsibilties with the child’s stepfather. Additionally, as a mother, you can’t be fully thrusted into every aspect of your child’s life because you have to share him with his father and his stepmother. As long as everyone respects each other as parents, and realizes their respective place in the child’s life, the child can and often will adjust.
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
“21 Quotes That Will Change Your Life!” is the latest (and first) eBook creation from Today's Modern Family writer and The Joyful Mind Project contributor, Aisha Quinece. It’s 94 pages long and filled with inspirational quotes, stories, reflections, and insights specifically designed to help you grow while creating the life you always knew was possible.
To receive your FREE copy today, all you need to do is SUBSCRIBE to her newsletter, “Create Your Life” or, follow her onto Facebook and LIKE her page. Visit www.aishaquinece.com to do so.
"My hope is that the book inspires you to continue making meaningful changes in your life while making a positive difference in the lives of others." ~Aisha
hello
I am French and I chat on French forums for blended families: 90% of us second wives see our man’s ex as crazy; like another person said here, certifiable and in my case, indeed bipolar…
Luckily she isn’t too vindictive (even though she left so why should she be?) but is manipulative, unstable and she affects the children enormously by putting huge pressure on them. When you say she doesn’t like her child in your case, at least it’s just one, for me it’s three. Two of them see a psychologist to help them but the person who really needs it doesn’t.
I keep my distance, I try to give those children as much love as I can but I can’t give them a mother’s love; neither can she which is sad…
Her family try to cut us out too, and my presence has certainly changed things around here… they can’t bear the idea that my man can be happy again and when we marry next year, they’ll know I’m here to stay too.
My step-kids love me, they don’t associate their pain with me at all; she made it very clear that it was her choice to divorce so neither their dad nor me can be accused of anything…
I hope (but frankly what’s the use) that she finds peace in herself. I hail the day that the kids will be grown up and we won’t have to deal with her so much..
And you what: she works on the floor below me !!! As they say: keep your friends close and your enemies closer !
Only kidding, she’s not my enemy and I have made it clear to the children; you need to know how to play your cards right and I think I have managed well so far…
Good luck to all of you
Hi Slyvie,
Thanks so much for your comments; they are so greatly appreciated.
I can definitely empathize with you and your situation. It’s unfortunate that sometimes adults need to be reminded that it’s not about them, but the children. If she is hurt or bitter for whateve reason, then she needs to deal with it in a way that doesn’t affect her children!! Any other way will call for psychological intervention for ALL parties involved (second wife, divorced dad and children). Trust me, her behavior can drive everybody crazy.
Having said that, I encourage you to keep a level head when dealing with the ex-wife. But, don’t make it your focal point as you still have a future husband to consider. The best thing you can do for your family unit is create a happy, loving home for your stepchildren and any future children. She can only get to you, if you allow her to.
Good luck to you as well,
Kela
What a disaster!!! I would die if I had to go to court all the time over these issues. My son is 7 and I have had ENOUGH of this crap. Oh goodness!! What a mess and the ex is married, I can’t believe she still acts like this.
I am new to your website, so how are things with your ex? Are they bad like this and is he re-married?
My ex is remarried and things definitely aren’t as bad, but we do have a whole different set of issues!! Read the rest of the blog to find out.
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. I always appreciate them.
Oh boy do I know how you feel. Check out my blog! I only skimmed the surface but its now getting worse. We (my girlfriend and I) just found out that my ex is 4 months pregnant and is making my 13 year old daughter hide it from me because after she gets married she plans on having the new stepdad (who my daughter hates) adopt my daughter. I hear through the grapevine that my daughter is livid and wants no part of it so my ex is grinding on her daily. She has systematically for the past 7 years whittled away at my visitation and contact with my daughter, admitted in court that she hid my daughter from me and violated court orders. (read the blog) The court is aware of her inappropriate sexual exhibitions in front of my daughter yet still gives her what she wants, no matter what the law says. The DA here that handles the child support issues (California sent it here for collection after missplacing a couple of child support payments)said that if she had walked into their office with the same story and documentation that she would be facing several class B felonies. OH and it took them 9 months to find those payments. wooo hooo…….Meanwhile the child is miserable, wants to live here but her mother says if she does that it means she don’t love her anymore, blah blah…guilt trip on top of guilt trip…and it goes on and on and on. Two years of litigation later (we just found my daughter) the court file is about eight inches thick…and now she wants to remove me completly as my daughters father, and California might just let her do it.
An added thought. My girlfriend (fiance/partner) of five years, has, since meeting my daughter, never tried to “replace” her mother. Up until my ex started hiding my daughter, she defended my ex. She has a good relationship with my daughter and they spend a lot of happy hours together. My daughter was even willing to go live with her somewhere else, and visit me and my ex, but we never even mentioned this as maybe a reality. My dauther knows that my ex needs serious couseling (my ex is bi polar and refuses to get help) but says there is nothing she can do about it. My partner has tried every way possible to communicate with my ex, but can’t because my ex refuses to acknowledge her existence.
I can totally relate!! My stepson and I had a wonderful relationship before the ex-wife started sabatoging it. At one point, he even said that he wanted to live with us, too. As soon as she figured this out, she started to come up with every excuse in the book as to why my husband couldn’t have visitation that month (birthday parties, funerals, weddings). We went from two weekends a month to one weekend a month to one weekend every few months, to 5 hours one time each month. Oh and did I mention that during those 5 hours he isn’t allowed to see me (the court agreed with her) because she said that I was trying to label him as a bad kid (huh) during the time that I was so sick (I was sick for a year) that I literally couldn’t hold my head up, let alone find the time to do the things that she was/is accusing me of. And, let me also mention that my stepson has questioned REPEATEDLY why he can’t see me and my son. He’s asked my husband if I just don’t want to see him, so you know that she is filling his head with something because he never would’ve asked this. He knows and has always FELT my love for him. I’ve been the primary caregiver (when he’s in our home) for him since he was 4 years old (he’s now 11). I treated him as if he was my own son because that’s how I see him. He trusted me enough to tell me things that he wouldn’t tell her or my husband. But now, because she’s insecure, you totally remove him from our lives. The sad thing is that she really believes that she’s hurting us. But, the truth of the matter is that while it does hurt my husband and I, we’ll eventually get over it. My stepson, on the other hand, will likely suffer (a great deal) due to the absence and rejection (this is how he’ll view it) from his father.
If your stepson is 11 then he should know the truth. Do not let him go on thinking that it is you that does not want to see him. GO BACK TO COURT! This child like every other child needs his father and 5 hours a week is not enough. Take her to court for violations…we get all those same excuses and one of my favorites “they have to go shopping.” Yep she made me wait a day after I was already there so that she could take my daughter shopping. I also get the excuse that this person or that person is leaving for the summer or the week or whatever and my daughter just has to say bye to them. To my ex everyone in my daughters life, all of her friends, are more important than me. She always uses the “that what our daughter wants excuse.” Then I get my daughter and find out that was not what she wanted. My daughter wants my ex to have an abortion….I wonder if she is going to get what she wants this time!