My Second Mom – by another blended family blogger
July 25, 2008 by Kela Price
Filed under Daily Dose
I recently read the following post that was written by another blogger who happens to be the product of a divorced family. Her mother and father were divorced, and her father remarried. She wrote the post about her “second mom.” It’s always refreshing to hear from adult children because they provide so much insight regarding how the blended family has and continually affects them. This provides us with the opportunity to put those assumptions to rest and hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.
My Second Mom
June 1st is my dad and step-moms anniversary. I hesitate to call her. It’s not like she won’t already be thinking about it and I want her to know how I feel. I just don’t want to remind her of her pain.
My dad is gone, but I still want to celebrate the union that made Gramma sweet family. That day almost thirty years ago tied our souls to hers and we’re never going to let go. The heart break is, he’s gone.
I don’t want to just remember the fact that if he were still here they would be celebrating another beautiful anniversary. There marriage was one to aspire to. They loved each other with a passion beyond your imagination. They supported each other and treated each other with kindness. They trusted and respected each other. They enjoyed each others company immensely. They had their individuality, but they were the best of friends. I can’t even imagine the weight on her chest. I can’t even imagine the crushing numbness that comes with losing a spouse.
But she, Gramma sweet, is one of the most amazing women I have ever had the blessing of knowing. She took my dad in holy matrimony with three children and a hurting ex-wife. She made herself available to us in a way that our blood parents could not. She loved because she wanted to, because she could, because she chose to. Not because we were born to her.
God works in mysterious ways. Growing up a child of divorce, I had a lot of questions. Ironically, I never wished my parents back together like some kids do. I just wanted them to be neighbors. I didn’t want to give up my step-parents. I knew even then that they were a blessing in disguise. That’s why I want to celebrate tomorrow, because tomorrow is the anniversary of Gramma sweet telling the world not only how much she loved my dad but also how much she loved us kids.
Some people are lucky enough to get one set of beautiful people to raise them. Divorce can turn even beautiful people into complete fools. I was doubly blessed. Not that my parents never made any mistakes, they were human after all. Looking back I see that most of the mistakes were made by me.
If I could take her pain away I would. I would take it all and swallow it hole. I would carry it with me until the end of time so that she did not have to suffer. I would spend every last day begging God to bring him back only for her, not even for me. I love her. She is my parent, my friend and my mom.
I used to be afraid when someone would say, "who does she think she is?" Now, I have the courage to stand up and say, "This Is Who I Am!" Remember, to be who you are, not who people expect you to be. Contrary to what some people may believe, the authentic you IS good enough.
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I had to forward this to my ex, who told me today that he will never again have a “family” and never give of himself 100% ever again. I told him that’s a very sad way to view life and love, and that “family” comes in all different forms (I had your blog in mind when I said that). Perhaps this will speak to him.
That certainly is a sad way to live life because it’s definitely possible to love again. In my experience I’ve learned that just because two people are good, it doesn’t mean that they will be good together (my ex and I). By that same token, just because a situation isn’t ideal (my current husband and I) doesn’t mean that it won’t work out. I’m not saying that the blended family is easy, but neither is a “traditional” marriage and family (I’m sure you can attest to that).
At any rate, I truly appreciate your comments, and I wish you both the very best!
Hello
I find this post inspiring; I am step-mum to three kids and I have taken their dad and them wholly into my heart. Their mum is still very much around thankfully and my love for her ex and her kids is even helping her to be more tolerant towards her ex and find ways to move forward in life. I hope and I am convinced that the children know that my love for them is free, I don’t demand love back, I give them plenty of space to be what they want to be. They don’t feel obliged to like me and vice versa. If I need to be alone, I tell them and they see that I need to be myself and live my own life. They don’t feel that I am an adult who’s life revolves around them so that when I give them attention it isn’t because I have to but because I feel like it, I chose to like a friend.
I feel very lucky whenever one of them kisses me, tells me I’m pretty, gives me a hug, wants to chat with me…
Blended families are here to stay and can help broken relationships find at least a working solution.
Thank you for this.
Thanks so much for your response to the second mom post! It truly gives those who think of us as the “evil stepmother” a different perspective; one that I feel is necessary to start working toward those working solutions. Open dialogue promotes change, which is the reason I started this blog. Thanks for chiming in; your comments were so refreshing.
Thanks for sharing these things. I am also a stepmother to three pre-teens and it is a challenge for me and I guess for all of us, to find our way through this set-up of a blended family.