(Step)Martyrs Are Not Lovable!

This story was first published by Peggy Nolan, Founder of The Stepmom’s Toolbox,

Sometimes I think if I see one more stepmom write:

“but I do everything for them! I cook, I clean, I chauffeur, I help with homework, I clean up their mess, I wipe their snot, and I work full time! I do it all and my (step)children turn their nose at me. They don’t respect me! They don’t appreciate me! And they never say ‘thank you!’”

I’m going to respond, “Of course they don’t!”

Why? Because you’re nothing more than an unending supply of give, give, give so they can take, take, take!

Your cause of giving produces a like effect of taking. There’s a payoff for both the taker (they get their every whim catered to) and the giver (you get to moan, groan, and complain ad nauseum about all that you do for a head tilt, a nod, and a little tea and sympathy).

In Winning Love, Wallace D. Wattles states, “you do NOT make people love you by the number of things you do for them. If they love you, it will be for what you ARE.” Stepmartyrs (and martyrs in general) “overdo the matter of service” and without fail “receive the contempt” of their step-children and in many cases, their husbands.

Stepmartyrs are not true, authentic people. You want to be liked, loved, and appreciated but you go about it in a tried but misguided fashion. Instead of being YOU, you pretend to be someone you think everyone else expects you to be. You deny who YOU really are. You stifle your authentic and glorious self. You make the mistake of “sacrificing yourself for others.”

What if, instead of sacrificing yourself, you made the MOST of yourself for others? Maybe your answer depends on another question: Do you want others to pity you or love you?

Wallace asserts that “If you wish to be loved, you must live your own life. And the more full and complete the life, the more love you will win.” When you grow you, when you become a better you, you inevitably become more loveable…and that’s what you really desire…to be loveable.

Are you ready to start living your own life and make the most of YOU?

What three Stepmartyr things can you give up in the next 30 days?

What three things can you develop in the next 30 days that will help you become a better you?

Halle Berry and Ex Co-Parent in Africa

National Photo Group

Halle Berry and her estranged boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, flew to South Africa on Sunday where Berry will spend the next several months taping the film Dark Tide.

Berry and Aubry split after 5 years but not before conceiving their beautiful 2 year old daughter, Nahla.  Although the two broke up and have not yet worked out permanent custody arrangements, they will be living together in a home that was rented for Berry while she’s on location. Aubry, a successful supermodel, did not want to miss out on months of seeing his daughter and has decided to move half way around the world to take over parenting duty while Berry works. Berry 43, will pay Aubry 34, to be her full-time nanny while she works.

In May a source told Radar the following:

It’s been pretty difficult for Gabriel to see Nahla the last few weeks. He’s really getting sick of it and it’s getting to the point where he is seriously considering his options regarding pursuing permanent custody. The latest issue is that Halle is due to move to South Africa during July, August and September to work on a movie and she wants to take Nahla with her full time. That would mean Gabriel not seeing his daughter for three whole months and there’s no way he’s going to allow that.

Gabriel requested that he be allowed to keep Nahla with him in Los Angeles, but Halle wouldn’t let that happen, so the two reached a total stalemate and it started getting nasty, with both of them looking into entering a legal battle.

In the end, they reached an agreement. Basically Halle is going to pay Gabriel to be a kind of full-time nanny and to come to South Africa for the three months she’s there, and to be Nahla’s full-time caregiver.

There have been no reports of the pair permanently reconciling. This arrangement is just so that neither of them have to go several months without seeing their daughter.

Good luck to the Berry/Aubry co-parents!

Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment

I subscribe to the Daily Babble newsletter and this week the very first article immediately caught my attention.  Teaching Kids About Disappointment was the title of the article; written by Harlyn Aizley, author of Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. The subtitle to this article was Why Are We So Afraid To Tell Children That Life’s Not Fair?

Harlyn’s article was about five year olds being disappointed at a birthday party, but it was the grander message that I found really thought provoking. Afterward, I pondered on the very question that she raised in her article; why the hell are we so afraid to tell our children that life sometimes isn’t fair?

As an ex and a stepmom I am well aware that life hasn’t always seemed fair for our children. The families, as they knew them, dissolved right before their very eyes. My son’s father lives out of the country for ten months of every year, which means he doesn’t get to see him very often.  He and my stepson are only 3 months apart and went from being only children, with the attention all on them, to having to share the attention with the other and with us. When my husband and I got together, they were barely 4 years old and I can totally see how life seemed unfair to them then and even now. After all, dad isn’t always able to be at school plays or basketball games because one (my ex) lives out of the country and my stepson’s dad (my husband) doesn’t live in state with him. However, from day one, I have been an advocate of empowering my son to accept change and define happiness or “normal” for himself. It is the reason that my ex and I have never attempted to alter my son’s reality. Dad is in Spain because that’s where his job is and mom lives in the states. I wasn’t going to move to Spain so that he could be closer to him. We don’t vacation together for his benefit (not knocking those who do, by the way) and we live our lives separately because we are no longer together.  Instead of altering my son’s reality I was successful in getting him to embrace this change and then define his new normal. I told him that yes dad works out of the country and you don’t get to see him very often, but that just means when you do see him it will be that much more rewarding. Instead of encouraging him to be angry about sharing me with two other people, I told him that he would now have a best buddy, whom he had a lot in common with, to create special memories with. Additionally, he would have a full time father figure to do things with that mom is no good at, like playing baseball or Yu-Gi Oh. Over time, he began to see my point and now, his modern family is normal to him and he’s very happy with it!

That being said, I never encouraged my son to suppress his feelings. I acknowledged his angry, hurt, sad, and confused feelings. I told him that he was absolutely justified in feeling the way that he did; however, I have never allowed him to use his circumstances as a crutch. Life sometimes sucks is what I told him, but you have to make the best out of whatever cards you are dealt. This is the way things are now and they are never going to be the way they were, so how do we move forward with what we have?

His life over the past 10 years has afforded him some life long lessons that he will take with him when he becomes an adult. The truth is, is that life isn’t always fair and nobody is going to twist and bend like a pretzel to make sure you are never disappointed. Life is full of disappointments! Additionally, you have to learn to move forward and choose to be happy instead of angry or victimized. Giving into that anger is what permanently scars you; not the disappointments themselves. It has also taught him that he is in charge of his happiness; not his dads, his moms, his siblings or anyone else. Finally, it has encouraged him to accept and embrace change because although it’s uncertain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be worth it.

I realize that what I’m saying is easier said than done, believe me I do. As a mom who always wants to protect her cubs, there have been times when I have wanted to give my son whatever he wants just so that he doesn’t have to feel pain, hurt or disappointment. But then I realized that doing so means that he will never be equipped to handle the real world and all the real life challenges that it brings.  Allowing our children to appropriately deal with and accept disappointment teaches them to live in this world and not some world that is designed specifically for them.

What are your top (re)marriage concerns?

Many of you know that Diane and I also own and operate a counseling practice that caters only to people experiencing stepfamily issues.  When we do sit down with couples, we immediately realize the source of the problem, and often times, it’s with the remarried couple. The wife doesn’t feel appreciated, respected and/or supported by her husband. The husband feels as if the wife just nags all the time for no reason and doesn’t understand why she just won’t concede because his children are important to him.  Both just assume that the other doesn’t or won’t understand. Neither take the time to actually convey how they feel, until they sit down with one of us.

Diane and I firmly believe that the source of strength for the stepfamily is the marriage. If the marriage is not solid, the stepfamily won’t be.  Our focal point is not on getting the children to love their stepmom; getting the stepmom to be friends with the ex-wife or getting the divorced parents to be friends. Although there is nothing wrong with any of the above-mentioned, it isn’t what we think is necessary to create a solid stepfamily. The stepfamily can still survive if the stepmom and ex-wife aren’t best friends. It can survive if the divorced parents aren’t friends, but it will not make it if the remarriage is in disarray.

And so, we want to hear from you? What are some of your top (re) marriage concerns? You can either leave them in the comment section of this post or email us directly at info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. The follow up article will be filled with tips based on your concerns.

When Counseling Doesn’t Work

Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills.  Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they  think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.

That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.

Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.

It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.

Stepmom Standards

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. Comedian, actor and author, Steve Harvey was on talking about his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Steve Harvey’s wife also appeared on the show and Steve told the story of when he knew that she was the woman for him. Apparently Mr. Harvey had been a player and one time when he and Mrs. Harvey (she was his girlfriend at the time), were on an overnight date, Steve’s phone rang in the middle of the night. It was another woman and he actually took the call. Mrs. Harvey said that she calmly got up and started packing her things. Steve asked her what she was doing and she replied, “I’m going home. You can be a player if you want to, but I’m not going to have any part of it. You will treat me with respect.” Steve told Dr. Phil that it was at that moment that he knew that she was the woman for him because she had standards and expectations and she made them perfectly clear.

There is a chapter in Harvey’s book on setting standards. “Here’s what’s happened over the years. Women’s standards and requirements have lowered. And as men, we know that. We have taken advantage of it. We’ve created terms that we feed to women that allow us to exist as we do. We created the term nagging. There’s really no such thing as nagging. As soon as a woman starts registering her complaint, we call it nagging. We let you know it will drive us away,” said Harvey. “So many standards have been lowered by women that now a man doesn’t have to climb over a very high bar to get to her. So now you have more men who can get away with more things with more women without any repercussions, ” he explained.

I am going to have to agree with Mr. Harvey. Many times women lower their expectations for how they should be treated based on what other people will think of them and this holds true for the stepmother as well. The stepmom or future stepmom might believe that she can’t require her husband or future husband to treat her a certain way because he has kids with another woman. She might feel like she can’t demand respect in her home because then she will be seen as the evil stepmother. She might feel as if she can’t expect her husband to make their marriage a priority because she will be seen as the woman taking him away from his kids. There are many other situations and reasons why a stepmom or future stepmom might not want to make her expectations perfectly clear, but I caution them not to lower their standards and expectations. Like Steve said, when women lower their standards, a man doesn’t have to work very hard to get to her and he is able to get away with more things. He’s able to use the “it’s for my kids” or “but she’s the mother of my children” excuse for mistreating you. It’s okay to put your foot down and demand to be treated as you would if he had never been married and didn’t have kids. This doesn’t mean that he is disowning his children or disrespecting the mother of his children just because he treats his wife or future wife the way she should be treated.

That being said, setting standards is different from delivering ultimatums and/or whining. When Steve Harvey’s wife left that night, she didn’t say you have to stop or I’m going to leave. She told him that he can be a player if he wants to, but she wasn’t going to have any part of it.  Stepmoms need to apply the same method to their respective situations. Realize that you can’t force someone to behave the way you want them to and after talking or arguing about your feelings for so long without change, then it’s time for YOU to take the situation into your own hands. Often times, when people are confronted with conflict we give our power to the person we’re in conflict with. We do this by continually whining about a situation that we’ve expressed our feelings about, over and over again, and still expecting the other person to take action. What we must realize and accept is that sometimes that other person just isn’t going to take action and we must be prepared to take that next step either way. Stepmoms need to start setting standards early (before you take the trip down the aisle). If there are things that you know you won’t tolerate, make it perfectly clear early on and be prepared to act on it so he knows what your expectations are.  Let him know that he can continue the behavior, but he can do it without you.  Let him know that you won’t tolerate rude and invasive exes or disrespectful children, from the very beginning. Tell him that you understand how everyone must feel, but you will accept no excuses for being mistreated in any way. Outline your standards and make your expectations of him perfectly clear. Make him work for you because you are worth it.

Our Favorite Hollywood Blended Family - The Smiths

The Smith Family

The Smith family, which includes actor Will Smith, his beautiful wife, actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith and their 3 children, Trey (from Will’s prior marriage), Jaiden and Willow, are one of my favorite Hollywood blended families. The entire family, including Will’s ex-wife, Sheree and her husband, former NFL player, Terrell Fletcher appeared on the show.

When Oprah expressed that stepmom and ex-wife apparently get along, Jada responded by saying that she and Sheree made a conscious effort, early on, to get along.

“Sheree and I BOTH had to make that decision because at the end of the day, we had Trey and he had to be our primary focus,” she says. “So we had to put aside our own craziness, our stuff, all the baggage that comes with it. She and I just had to focus on, ‘What does he need?’”

The equally beautiful and marvelous, Sheree Fletcher, also chimed in by saying that while getting to that place took time and lots of “conversation”, it was extremely important.

Sheree Fletcher

“You realize, [Will and I] had our chance, now it’s about those kids,” said Sheree.

Will and Jada also discussed their plan for marriage, specifically called a Marriage Business Plan. This plan outlines their goals for their life and marriage.

“If you don’t have a purpose for your relationship, if you don’t have a place that you’re going, something that you want to accomplish, something that you want to do, you can really get lost in the murk of the journey,” Will says. “There has to be a vision. Like, why are we together?”

Will and Jada also said that they stay out of the spotlight (drama) because they believe the higher power put them together. As such, they focus on the greater purpose of their marriage instead of focusing on the drama. In turn, they have been able to create and sustain wonderful relationships within their blended family and raise 3 incredibly grounded children in Hollywood.

A very big round of applause goes to the Smith’s blended family for creating a solid marriage for their children and putting all the craziness (as Jada describes) aside to create a healthy family for their children. I LOVE IT!!!!

Stepmom, Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Aha Moment: She tried to micromanage the world. By letting go and doing less, actress Jada Pinkett Smith realized she could actually be more.

Source: The Oprah Show and Oprah.com

Sometimes There Are No Do Overs!

Bruce, Demi, Ashton and daughters

Quite often I am asked one question; How do you repair a broken relationship with your ex-spouse? Most times, when ex-spouses present this question to me, they are wanting an answer that includes a magic formula for having a Bruce and Demi or Nicole and Eddie Murphy relationship in which everyone (new partners and all) get together on the regular and become fast friends.  The problem is that this is not always possible, and sometimes an ex-spouse has to accept that although you’ll never be great friends, you can have a co-operative co-parenting relationship. Aiming for unrealistic expectations usually ends up with hurt feelings and kids caught in the middle.

Most divorces end with a certain amount of anger, disappointment, uncertainty and confusion. One or both parties may say or do things that they really don’t mean to hurt the other due to the above-mentioned emotions.  It’s a natural human reaction to sadness, anger and disappointment. You’re hurting so naturally you want the other party to hurt as well. When these impulsive reactions are minor and short-lived, it’s easy to forgive, recover from and even end up as friendly co-parents. However, sometimes there are no do overs and it can be impossible to recover from certain actions enough to actually be friends afterward.

For example, in a situation where a parent alienates a child for years, but then has a change of heart or the court intervenes and orders that the other parent be able to have regular visitation with the child, it will be hard to recover from that in order to be friends.  Or, how about the recent Dwayne Wade vs. his estranged wife case, where the ex-wife goes as far as suing the new girlfriend because her children got medium sized gifts, but the new girlfriend got the biggest gift of all for Christmas. There are also cases where the ex-wife constantly has the ex-husband in court for things like forgetting to administer medicine during visitation or calling the child outside of the court-ordered time. These types of things may even be forgivable, but they certainly aren’t forgettable.

In cases where there are simply hurt or unresolved feelings it’s easy for the divorced couple to repair their relationship, move forward and eventually become friends. But, when a parent has missed out on years of his child’s life as a result of the other parent, or has had to spend thousands of dollars in frivolous court battles, it’s darn near impossible to forget those things. You can repair your relationship enough to be cordial for the kids, but it’s unrealistic to assume that you’ll be great friends afterward. As a matter of fact, it’s unfair to ask the victim of such acts to just forget about missing out on years of your child’s life or the thousands of dollars spent unnecessarily in court, etc.; let’s just be friends.

Here’s the revelation: Sometimes there are no do overs. You might be able to make it better, but you won’t be able to make it right. When going through a divorce, consider the fact that there is a line that you cannot cross if you ever want to go back and repair a broken co-parenting relationship. Remember, when it’s all said and done, just because you feel better doesn’t mean that everybody else does. So think before you act impulsively and consider the long-term effect that those impulsive actions will have on your children. Lastly, it’s equally important for all divorced couples to realize aiming for friendship is  not a realistic goal for all divorced couples. For those who have been through war and suffered some lasting damage as a result, just being cordial is good enough.

Sandra Bullock Adopts Baby Boy!

People cover of Bullock and baby

Just 10 days after the Oscar’s in March, Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James, split following reports that he had cheated. Four years prior, Bullock and James had begun an adoption process. However, Sandra finalized the adoption of her brand new baby boy, Louis Bardo, Bullock, as a single parent.

Bullock adopted the 3 and a half month old from New Orleans, and the 45 year old Oscar winning actress says she couldn’t be happier.

“He’s just perfect, I can’t even describe him any other way,” Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE. “It’s like he’s always been a part of our lives.”

Currently, James is in treatment for a sex addiction, but there’s  no word on whether or not these two will repair their broken marriage and family. Bullock has been like a mother to James 3 children; Sunny, Jesse and Chandler, and they all miss her very much.

This poses a question that I’ve been thinking about for quite some time now; especially since the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the first. What happens to the children of an unfortunate second divorce? What happens to the relationship with a step-parent with whom they’ve grown close to? What happens when their biological parent finds yet a new love and even gets married again? How many parental relationships do these children have to attempt to work on; their biological parents, former step-parent and new step-parent? Is it best for a former step-parent to just back away so that the children are able to cope better? I am going to answer these questions in an upcoming article.

For now, congratulations to new mom Sandra Bullock.  I wish the best of luck to this modern family. I hope they can find a way to make it better for the children who are always caught in the middle.

“Thank you to all the parents who love children no matter where they come from.” ~Sandra Bullock

Dwayne Wade’s Estranged Wife is Suing His New Girlfriend

Dwayne Wade

I really thought I had experienced and heard it all before as a stepmother, but this just takes the cake.

Associated Press recently reported that the Miami Heat basketball star, Dwayne Wade’s estranged wife is allegedly suing Dwayne Wade’s new girlfriend, actress, Gabrielle Union! Why? Because she alleged that her ex-husband’s new relationship is causing her and their two sons, ages 8 and 2, emotional distress!

The two separated in 2007 and have been in engaged in a contentious divorce battle ever since. Adding to this nasty battle, the former Mrs. Wade, allegedly filed this lawsuit, which lists her two sons as plantiffs, in Chicago earlier this week. In it, she claims that Union engaged in sexual foreplay (hugging and kissing) in front of the boys (side note: I guess she was able to do this all by herself) causing them “severe emotional and mental distress.” Get this…It also claims that her boys only received “medium sized gifts” from Wade this year while Union received the “biggest gift of them all.”

Additionally, Wade’s estranged wife expressed that Union often plays the roles of the super sexy seductress, and has apparently “decided to take that role off the film and into the home of a married man, and in the presence of his two minor children.”  As such, she is seeking damages in excess of $50,000!

Union issued a statement insisting that the allegations were indeed false and Dwayne said that they are “baseless and meritless.”

The court ultimately rejected these claims as frivolous and Union apologized to the Cook County court for taking up their time for these “erroneous” claims.

Gabrielle Union

Wade’s soon to be ex-wife also claimed in the suit that Wade’s oldest son has been suffering from anxiety resulting in “severe hair loss and bald spots” and the younger son is suffering from feelings of rejection and depression (side note: apparently this is Union’s fault, too and the fact that the two decided to divorce BEFORE she came along doesn’t matter).

A friend of Wade’s estranged wife claims that the former Mrs. Wade threatened to find a gun and shoot the basketball star and voluntarily admitted herself into an Illinois hospital to deal with anger related issues; however, Mrs. Wade says that the allegations are false and has filed a suit against her for libel and slander.

Finally, the attorneys who represented Wade’s estranged wife in the divorce has been excused from the case, citing an “impasse and irreconcilable differences” between attorney and client.

My Commentary: As the former long time girlfriend of a basketball player, with whom I share a child, I know how that world can be and therefore, I am not excusing certain behaviors. I also know how painful separation and divorce can be for all parties involved; however, it’s not the girlfriend and in some case, new wife’s fault. You can’t blame EVERYTHING on the newcomer.  In this case, the divorced parents need to hold themselves accountable for how they are affecting their children throughout this process. Hugging and kissing isn’t what is causing their son emotional distress to the point that his hair is falling out. Mom and/or dad who act impulsively, put their kids in the middle of frivolous court battles, and  apparently aren’t communicating like adults who want to cause as minimal damage as possible to their children, are the ones who are the cause of their childrens’ emotional and mental distress.

There’s no debate that divorce is hard, especially when it includes deceptive acts such as cheating, but what’s done is done. He cheated, he’s moved on, and though it may not be easy, you have to move on to. Don’t make a bad situation worse by throwing your children directly in the middle of a court battle. Instead, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and focus on you and your children.

Moving forward, I hope that they can work out their differences without causing further damage to their two beautiful children; they certainly don’t deserve this. I wish them all the very best as they try to work this out.

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